Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Ho-Ho Horrible Holiday Special Part 2: Santa's Slay

NOTE: Due to the dullness of this movie, the format will be a series of terrible highlights as opposed to a general review of the entire movie.

'Twas the week before Christmas

And in my living room

I found a DVD

That could be my impending doom

It was entitled Santa's Slay

And Bill Goldberg, it did star

As I watched I wondered

Perhaps this is fetched a little too far

As over the top

As the concept should have been

This movie was dull

Bland and boring as sin

So what follows are scenes

A horrific recap

That shows why this movie

Is a tedious piece of crap

We start with a family

About to face peril

Because Chris Kattan is there

Oh -phew- No Will Ferrel

That was a close call

For these cheaters and at least one liar

Until Bill Goldberg smashes in

To light Fran Drescher's hair on fire

He drowns her in egg nog

And,with a turkey leg, to try to be slick

He imitates Heath Ledger

And shows her husband a magic trick

We meet our heroes

Emo Nick and Mary

And their boss, Saul Rubinick

Who is just a little too hairy

Mary likes hip hop and rap

Playing in her truck that's not red

In fact it's gray

And she's about as white as Wonder bread

Nick's grandpa is insane

And reveals Santa's past

Being the son of Satan

... Okay, movie, kiss my ass

Santa was challenged

By an old angel with a plot unfurling

For a thousand years, Santa must be nice

If he loses a match of curling

Of course Santa loses

And the writers, alas

Either forgot what they wrote

Or failed Elementary maths

For, you see, the date then

Was ten-sixty-five

And with sixty years left in the deal

Santa starts taking lives

He follows a preacher

To a strip club, of course

And kills the bouncer

And the valet, by his "horse"

By "horse" I mean Oxen

But that doesn't matter

The characters think it's a reindeer

Before their corpses splatter

In the club, Santa's killing

Starts to get a old

So in the midst of the chaos

He cleans a stripper pole

A bit later on

Hairy Saul meets his fate

As Goldberg pins him with a Menorah

Killing the poor, "evolved ape"

Santa also kills

Nick's grandfather so old

Who looks predictably similar

To the angel in the story previously told

On a snowmobile Nick and Mary

Lead the 'roid raging bastard on a chase

To their high school

Where they must escape, post haste

As they run, it seems

Jerry Lee Lewis was hired

Because Santa is spewing

Great balls of fire

Eventually the chase leads

Santa to his demise

As Mary's father

Blasts him from the skies

In true ridiculous fashion

Santa's sleigh ride did end

When her father shot a rocket

At the rein-oxen's head

But Santa's not dead

Oh no, he still glowers

I believe he's still in space

Gathering power

My apologies

To Mr. Jhonen Vasquez

But my ending to this movie

Is much better, I sez

As Santa is free

Of all is killing spree

So he takes a plane

To the North Pole to freeze

This movie did suck

But I assure, dear reader

The worst is yet to come

From the holiday horror theater

For now, The Window Keeper's signing off

To kill that jolly fat bastard

For his gift this year was the movie

Demonic Toys vs Puppet Master

Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Internet Personalities That Are Rising To Awesomeness

This time, the list is dedicated to the Internet personalities that have shown that they are awesome, funny, clever, and consistent in their quality (or, in some cases, improved). The guy who was pissed that Nostalgia Critic was on this list can die happy with some of these people, I bet.

10: 8-Bit Mickey: I will admit that I do not like 8-Bit Mickey's humor. I don't find him funny, at all. But, I have to respect him for two things. The first being going out on "The Tester." He tried to do something he loved, and had fun with it. The other thing, and the most important reason he's on this list, is his video about the Westboro Baptist Church protesting the Holocaust Museum. He first stated that he was going to run around in a speedo with a vuvuzela. Instead, he interviewed both sides, and made his personal judgment known to his fans. He didn't feel a need to make a joke out of it after seeing how serious it was to both sides, as well as himself. Doing what he did took balls, and I respect that. He may be # 10 on this list, but he's higher on the list of people I respect.

9: Guru Larry and Wez: I first saw Larry Bundy on Screwattack Europe's website, when his shows were "Retro Corner" and "Games That Yanks Can't Wank." As much as I liked those early efforts (from what I've seen, anyway), he's only improved. He expanded his "Can't Wank" series to British PSA's that are incredibly morbid for what they were supposed to be, and made a smaller series of videos where he and Wez find the biggest assholes the internet has to offer in multiplayer games, and give them a test of their own medicine. There is only one other English person I can think of that can do a gaming show, but with a different brand of humor.

8: Ashens: Ashens isn't your usual personality. He has a Doctorate in Psychology, and a dry sense of humor. I first saw his reviews on YouTube, as well as some his other works. He's now doing a series about bad games, giving thoughtful analysis of why they're bad, and why "professional" reviewers are not to be trusted. All of this, and a dry, sometimes self-depreciating sense of humor thrown in for free, makes Ashens worth keeping an eye on.

7: Linkara: Last year, Linkara would've been a lot higher. I don't know if it's because of stress (with a move and fans demanding a new episode about Power Rangers), but outside of Atop the Fourth Wall, he has seemingly become a jerk. Yet, I can understand why he would be upset about certain things, such as when Blogger screwed up, and told people that it wouldn't publish their comments unless they were smaller, yet did anyway after three (at least) people had to edit them down (admittedly myself included). All of them, again, myself included, apologized about the mix-up, and explained it to him. That being said, he does make up for it in his videos, and his comments.

This one is going to be a bit long, so bear with me. One episode of Fourth Wall involved two comic characters, Big Barda and Superman, being forced into porn by a villain named "Sleeze." Linkara went on a rant about how this is rape, and should not be used as a character building device, like this. While he made a point to say that it was an over used trope, and he disapproved of it, never once did he tell people who disagreed that they were wrong. He respected their opinions enough to publish them, and not say that they were wrong as long as they made their points civilly. That says something about the character of the man behind the character.

6: Bennett the Sage: When I first saw Sage, my initial reaction was that he was a self-important prick. After seeing a few of his later reviews, and guest appearances on some other webshows, I have to say, I was wrong. Again, he has a dry sense of humor, yet, he isn't afraid to get a little crazy at times, too. But, it's his game reviews that got my attention. I may not agree with all of his points, but I can trust his opinion more than other reviewers due to the fact that Sage isn't a reviewer first; he's a gamer first.

5: Papa Burch: How can you make a show about an obnoxious, child-like girl and her straight-laced, game article writing brother funnier? By making their father a foul mouthed, womanizing slacker. Papa Burch doesn't do anything but say offensive phrases that you wouldn't expect from an old man, such as "I'm in it for the hoes," or "When I grow up, I'm going to fuck your mom. Then I'm going to have a little girl that looks exactly like you, and make her life a living hell." What makes Papa Burch work so well is that he does this with a straight face, as if this was how he acted normally. If it is how he acts... God help us all. If it isn't, then the man needs an acting career on the internet. Want to know how not to make the show funnier? Base two episodes off of a guy beating his pregnant girlfriend.

4: Angry Joe: Another show I didn't like when I started is The Angry Joe Show. In fact, I still don't like it. But, I like Angry Joe for the sheer fact that he seems like a genuinely good person. When he was supposed to interview Geoff Keighley, Keighley immediately put Joe on the spot, and tried to make him look bad. Despite wanting to make Keighley look like the ass that he is, Angry Joe repressed it. He kept his professionalism about him, and drove on. It takes a big person to do that. Also, I have to admit, some of his reviews do bring up good points. The only big set back is his humor, but that's just my taste. And I can't fault him on that.

3: Allie Brosh: "How can you make a blog that's about your life interesting? Why would anyone want to read it? What makes your life so interesting, that people need to read it?" Those aren't the questions you ask when reading Hyperbole and a Half. Her articles cover topics such as dogs not handling a move well, the childhood fascination with cake, shower products for men, bad grammar, and how bad days work. And, to make it better, all of the posts are illustrated with purposely badly drawn art, just to add to the emphasis of the ridiculousness of it all. Want a laugh? Read "Sneaky Hate Spiral." You'll be glad you did.

2: Brad Jones: You have to give props to a guy who eats chocolate covered bugs at the request of his viewers. And that's not the worst thing he's done, either, for his fans. Taster of questionable drinks, watcher of bad exploitation films, and sleazy promoter of big box movies, Brad Jones has to be one of the most strong willed people on the internet. After seeing some of the movies he has seen, I don't think I would be sane (... says the guy who watched ThanksKilling...). Yet, he still shows that he enjoys doing what he does, even if he's acting jaded. I don't think I've seen anyone take more of a beating on the internet, and still come out of it smiling. Even better is the fact that his different characters are diverse in nature. You can bet that no matter what you watch on his site, you'll find something that will make you laugh.

1: The Spoony One: Let me put this out here: this isn't just Spoony so much as it is the site itself. His girlfriend runs a lot of the behind the scenes work on the site, and does an excellent job keeping up on it. But, Spoony is the one people see, and have come to see on the site. Instead of focusing on different characters for different niches, Spoony decided to make almost every review a different experience. From having clones of himself to watch a movie about Bruce Lee clones to watching a Ring-esque video edited from an FMV game, he makes sure to keep the audience watching by trying something different, and possibly embarrassing... such as dressing up as a teenaged girl. He has been the one internet personality that I've seen that has been consistently funny and clever.

To make it better, he has done things for his friends that are commendable. When Brad Jones's YouTube channel was shut down, Spoony posted the videos to get the Cinema Snob's name out (which is how I heard of him). He still posts Guru Larry's videos up. He even shows a rapport with his "Channel Awesome" buddies that I don't see with a lot of the other guys. While Spoony's in it to have fun, he doesn't seem to let it dehumanize him either. Being as popular as he is, too, that says something about the staying power of his web-persona as well as himself.

Upcoming Stuff:

Horrid Horror Movie Reviews:

Santa's Slay

Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys

Scarecrow Gone Wild

ZOMBIE MONTH:

Zombie Strippers

House of the Dead

Zombies Anonymous

Quarantine

New Series: Over-Analyisis:

X-Men: Legends

Blowout

X-Men: Legends II

Cold Winter

Prey

Narc (PS2)

The Punisher

More thoughts on Goria

And character designs for I Am Nothing and Goria

Last, but not least:

I Am Nothing: The Darkest Light: "Minxton has a habit of finding the flaws that make individuals imperfect. The city also warps those fear, maladies, and differences into their destruction. Young college student Gary Delmar knows this all to well. He has tried to hide his sexuality from the city, lest it make it his destruction. After believing he fooled the city by killing his lover, Gary starts to see that maybe he was wrong. The city still wants him to suffer. Is it Gary's guilt over his sexuality, the guilt of his crime, or something much worse than he could have ever thought?"

I'm starting with Gary Delmar's story because it adds some challenge to my writing. I've had characters that were lesbians, bisexuals or pansexuals. I never wrote a homosexual male character. For those who are worried about this, Gary isn't going to be over the top like the cast of Cthulhu. Think more Patrick from Pictures of You.

Also, for any future commenters: I will not be spammed by arguments that are childish. I respect different opinions, yes, and I will allow them on here, if they're handled like mature adults. If you come off as a jackass, though, I will leave the first comment up, but none of your other comments will get in. Please, be respectful. Also note, I don't write as "myself" all of this time, as I do write under the persona of "The Window Keeper." Keep that in mind as well.

Ben

Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Internet Personalities that Need To Go Away

I'm here with another Top Ten. This time, I'm focusing on Internet Personalities. Not the good ones, mind you, but the ones that need to drop off the face of the planet. To meet the criteria to be on this list, the personality must be offensive, unfunny, made for the sake of being childish, a blatent rip-off, or a mix of all of those. Without further ado:

10: Phelous: Believe it or not, he's not on this list because of pettiness. He's really not funny. He dies almost every episode... so, what? He still comes back, rambling like a drunk (seriously, he sounds and acts like a drunk in every video). To add insult to injury, even when he makes a "new" character, they act the same as he does. You know how Will Sasso has to tell you who he's impersonating everytime because he only does one character? The Internet's answer to that is Phelous.

9: Film Brain: He actually started off good. Nothing is wrong with making fun of bad movies, and occasionally ripping ones that were acclaimed that may not have deserved it. And that's purely an opinion based thing. What puts Film Brain on the list is that most of his reviews are nitpicks as of late. I did a break from the "Horrid Horror" because of this. I know Film Brain takes breaks, too, and I can respect that. What I can't, though, is when you call a movie terrible for little reasons that don't matter that much. I'll take him off the list if he reviews Metropia, though.

8: Lee From Still Gaming: While he doesn't appear much, Lee annoys the hell out of me. What started out as a clever solution to not having a web cam turned into a crutch. What's truly bad is when he's not putting stills up for his reviews and ends up rambling about nothing. Like in his "101 in 1 Game" review, when he had to repeatedly tell people that he wasn't drunk.

7: The Nostalgia Chick: There are a lot of things wrong with this one, a "feminist" Nostalgia Critic... that refers to herself as "Chick" being the smallest. How about the Showgirls review that over analyzes the movie (as bad as the movie was) to the point where she claims that in only made women look bad. This is despite the fact that everyone looked bad. Not her biggest complaint was the use of female exploitation in it... despite the fact that she had a review built almost entirely of staring at David Bowie's batch. That's nowhere near as ridiculous as the claim of "James Cameron if the only man who can write a good female character." This was said about Ripley from Alien. Ripley was meant to be a male, but the casting changed because not having a female would hurt the viewership of the movie. I understand wanting equal rights, but she's just a hypocrite... and not a bright one, at that. Oh... and the awful, over exaggerated Sarah Palin impression in "Kickassia." Not funny.

6: Tommy Wiseau Impersonators: What started as a childish response to Tommy Wiseau's idiotic move of suing reviewers for making internet reviews of The Room has turned into a monster. The Nostalgia Critic and Obscurus Lupa both reviewed the movie, and subsequently, a "lawsuit" was threatened by Tommy Wiseau himself. Doug Walker decided that the "mature" answer would be to take the videos down (good...) and make a new video imitating Wiseau, making him look like a bumbling moron (...and you were doing so well...). To make it worse, almost everyone on the site decided to do this same thing, including Phelous (who still acted like himself). The videos have been put back up, but questions of whether or not the lawsuit was even real are being risen. ("The Critic reviews The Room (2003). He considers it "so bad it's good", but criticizes the acting, out-of-sequence editing, unbelievable characters and repetitiveness. The episode was temporarily unavailable on the main site, along with another Room review by Obscurus Lupa, due to claims of copyright infringement from Wiseau Films, however both videos have subsequently been reuploaded onto blip.tv. Soon, on December 12, 2010, The review was posted back on the website. This may have been an attempt to purposely invoke the Streisand effect.^[1] The review was reposted in December 2010. ") Yet, the impressions still go on.

5: The Happy Video Game Nerd: A game reviewer that loves every game, and is happy. And unfunny. And unoriginal. Seriously, he didn't just change a word from "Angry Video Game Nerd." You're just imagining that.

4: The GameTrailers Annoncer: While he's not trying to be funny, the fact that this guy can't even pronounce certain words properly is amazing. The character, "Lynn" from The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena was known as "Line," for example. But, the biggest one was when Akira Yamaoka corrected the guy about the pronunciation of his mast name. During the "apology," the GameTrailers Announcer purposely got the name wrong, again. Amazing.

3: Doug Walker: He started the "Tommy Wiseau" club. He made the blatantly bad "Melvin, Brother of the Joker." His aversion for Christmas has lead him to make both Santa Christ and "Zodmas," a Holiday celebrating the birth of General Zod from Superman II. His Junior review consisted of a screaming Ah-nold baby and a Ah-nold rock of An-nolds repeating "This film is BORING BORING BORING" with a psychedelic background, and not much else. His ego can fill a universe. And to make it even worse, when he says, "You may disagree, but... I'm right," he actually means it. If you disagree with him, in his mind, no matter what, you're wrong. The guy is a massive prick that overstayed his welcome. It's a shame that the good reviewers on his site are starting to act the same way (namely Linkara, sadly to say).

2: The Amazing Atheist/The Distressed Watcher: This guy got his start by, no shit, making videos about how bad every religion is, and how worshipers are all idiots. While Penn Jillette is an atheist, he actually encourages people to spread the word about their religion. The Amazing Atheist would just berate you about it. Then, the Distressed Watcher is made. When his reviews of trailers fell flat, he started reviewing pop songs... after Todd in the Shadows started reviewing them. Following on the heels of other personalities, he's now riffing bad movies, and posting "original" art for the promo-pics. Original art, being screenshots from the movie edited in PhotoGoo. What's next, The Worried Gamer? "How dare Lords of Shadow mention God?" How full of hate does one really need to be?

1: Yahtzee Croshaw: Yahtzee took a hiatus from creating sub-par games when he became a massive prick, claiming that all games were inferior. Now, he's reviewing them, saying that all games are inferior. When he started, he wasn't that bad, usually finding redeeming factors in games. Now, every game is bad, no reason. What's worse is that people blindly follow his advice. The breaking point, though, is the analogy of America being like a fan-fiction writing girl that needs to be raped. This was about CoD: Black Ops, and his reasoning was that Americans just want WWIII. Whatever cave he went into the first time he went away, he needs to return, and stay there. No one in the right mind takes him seriously, anyway.

Unfairly Biased or Individual Point of (Re)View

I will be the first person to admit this: I am an opinionated son of a gun. When it comes to things that really annoy me or really please me, I can't shut up about them (which is still why I quote The Warrior's Way line of, "Ninjas. Damn," because of its sheer stupidity and delivery). I have stated controversial opinions about games, politics, movies, even TV shows. Most of the time, I get the obvious look of, "Shut the hell up, you moron," while other times, I get actual debates over different opinions.

And, as strange as it sounds, I love hearing reasons as to why people like the games they do (we're sticking with games for this, but this applies to everything else from politics to religion, etc). I don't understand why people like Halo because I think the story (and the levels, and about everything else) are the same game after game with only graphical evolution. Why would I want to pay more of my hard-earned cash to play the same game, but with better graphics? I hated God of War III because of its ret-conning story and stupid, stupid writing (a robotic Pandora... in ancient Greece... really?). But, I understand how people would like the game for its game play, as well wanting to see how the trilogy ended. When I wrote that review, I was more pissed with the storyline and bugs than anything else, and I'm sure they patched it by now.

Judging how many games are terribly written or done (or are just remakes of the game before under the guise of "sequel"), critics begin to show their true colors. I will admit to being biased in a few reviews ("Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock" being the one that comes to mind), but that's from a gameplay standpoint. What I've been realizing lately is this horrifying fact: Mainstream reviewers are enforcing bad games being made by major developers, and punishing the good games, or games made by smaller developers.

Think about it: Critics praised every Halo game since the first for being intelligent and "one of the best shooters ever." What was so revolutionary about it? It was structured with missions, but every FPS was doing that at the time (save for Serious Sam). Was it the online multiplayer? Could be, by why are all the other Halo games praised heavily more for these slight improvements? Note: I'm not talking about "the Forge," which I have to admit, was a great idea in the first place. I'm also not a multiplayer gamer, either (though I was playing F.E.A.R. 2 and Uncharted 2 online this week... don't judge me!) Yet, gamers loved it as well, it just wasn't my taste.

Fast forward to now: Halo: Reach. It's the same damn game, only with a different team. Hell, one Halo game featured a human character (don't ask me which one, I stopped caring after Halo 3, but I'll get to that in a second), that didn't have a regenerating life bar.

A better example is the Call of Duty series. I never liked the Modern Warfare series, but I played Black Ops. I liked it, but it wasn't worthy of the praise it was getting. I asked people I work with, as well as Military personnel who have played it, and they came to the same conclusion. Yet, most reviewers praised it. Why? Especially after the fact that Medal of Honor, which was the same damn game as every other modern war shooter has been since CoD 4 was lambasted at worst, and considered barely above average at best. Speaking from experience (training as well as talking to soldiers who fought in actual combat), MoH captured the actual feeling of war without killing off every other main character like CoD seems to like to do. If our military fought like a CoD 4 character (non-SAS), our country would be fucked.

What's particularly interesting is what critics have to say about games from smaller developers. Splatterhouse has been praised by critics from Blistered Thumbs's (a new game review and news site) Micah C, to non-gaming media such as Fangoria and Dread Central. Yet, more mainstream reviewer gave the game low reviews siting "poor mechanics," "load times," and being "classless" blood and gore. Poor mechanics? I played the game in its entirety, and while it was hard, I didn't have any problems with the games mechanics. Long load times? I never had the issue, and neither did a lot of the "little media" reviewers. And if you were expecting a game called Splatterhouse to be high art, you shouldn't have reviewed the game.

What irked me was when Blitered Thumbs had a debate over this very game for the same reasons. One reviewer didn't like the game siting these reasons, as well as personal taste (which he made very clear), while the first reviewer out right told him that he never had any of those issues. Then you have The Escapist, who criticized every aspect of the game, and still gave it a three star rating after telling people how bad it was because of its many "problems." I'm sorry, but a 30 second loading screen is no where near as bad as, say, a two minute loading screen. You know, like the ones that appear in F.E.A.R. 2, or Killzone 2. I love both of these games, but I could make a pot of coffee by the time my level loaded in those, but not with Splatterhouse.

What it feels like to me is one of two possibilities: Critics are being paid to review "popular" games well and "minor" games badly, or critics don't know what a fun game is anymore, what with the formula shooters we have today. The only way innovation is seen as good is if the innovation is incredibly game changing (LittleBIGPlanet), and even then the game may fall on its face (like Heavy Rain somehow managed to do despite being an amazing experience). Speaking as a gamer, I review games mainly by how good the story is, but also if the game was fun. I don't expect every game to be a work of art, and it shouldn't be. Not every movie is a Citizen Kane or book a Great Expectations. When can critics return to actually loving games for what they're supposed to be: fun?

Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Ho-ho-horrible Holiday Horror Movie Special Part 1: ThanksKilling

No.

No, fuck it. I'm not doing this. I have done Terror Toons while my brain was filled with images of poorly animated cartoons, Feed while suffering from the flu, and The Human Centipede. But, this... I can't call this a movie because it's only an hour long... Why, God? Why was ThanksKilling made?

To prove that we're in the right movie, it starts with a close up of an older woman's boob. After a minute, we pan out to find out that it belongs to porn star Wanda Lust, who is dressed as a pilgrim woman. Before you even think of asking, don't. It's never explained why she's topless, much less why the only breasts we see belong to an older porn star. As she's being chased by a monster, we occasionally see through a purple POV. At first, I thought this was "Boob Vision," but it's actually "Turkey Vision." She trips, and the turkey kills her after saying the most clever one-liner it could think of: "Nice tits, bitch." Ooh! I can do better! "Pass the breast meat." Ooh! I can do even better! I could not write this script! See how simple that was?

After the credits, which should've been headlined by the most AWESOME NAME EVER: General Bastard, we meet Chandler from Friends, who's our jock, and Fatass McGlobicus, who rips open his shirt to show the world his manboobs. Suddenly, old porn star boobs are looking very appealing. His reason is to get a girl to flash her "glorious, big tits." No one got the memo, because the only girl who flashes anyone is an "A" cup, and is wearing her bra. I will refer you to this conversation between Dexter and Deb Morgan for this girl's nickname. Seeing as she's not English, I guess we'll have to go with the former.

The other girl, um... Average Girl, gets disgusted and tells Little Miss Pardon My Tits to cover up. "It's Thanksgiving, not... titsgiving." Two minutes into the movie, and "tits" are mentioned seven times. That's gotta be a record. LMPMT tells Average Girl that Chandler likes them, she likes her "glorious boobaes!" and that she knows Average Girl does too. Suddenly, I am very disturbed... and very curious of what this has got to do with anything whatsoever! We meet our last guy, the Nerd, who slobbers at the sight of Chandler. Suddenly, this movie went from stupid to being about as weird as the "Twilight" phenomenon.

Elsewhere, a redneck is walking his dog, Lassie, (later known as "Flashy"), and musing about being a lonely hag. I shit you not, he calls himself a hag. So I don't have to skip around, Flashy pisses on Turkey's totem pole, and the Turkey kills Flashy after proclaiming, "I'm pissed." Redneck then finds the Turkey and talks to him about it. You know, because... who doesn't talk to talking turkeys with fucking axes! Redneck then vows to kill the villainous fowl. Sorry, my mind went to a better place. You know, the Adam West "Batman" series.

Back to what our movie calls "heroes," Fatass makes a joke about Nerd's Mom's poon, which confuses Pardon-My-Tits. Average Girl says she's thankful to be healthy, to which Fatass retorts with, "Gay!" Chandler, in his best '50's Sitcom Dad voice says, "No. Not gay at all." Nerd summons the lack of acting prowess of Martin Lawerence's evil clone, and claims that he's going "buck wild" and going to do "sexings" to "someone in this car." Pardon-My-Tits says, "Not me, I'm a prune." I'm sure she meant "prude." Average Girl shoots back with: "You're like harder to check than the JonBenet Ramsey case." Everyone laughs... for some reason. The actual line is, "Your legs are harder to shut than the JonBenet Ramsey case." I only know this, because she says is again later, and somehow its even more funny to the kids. As if it wasn't tasteless enough, Nerd still later claims that Pardon-My-Tit's legs are harder to close than JonBenet Ramesy's legs. For those of you who don't know, JonBenet Ramsey was a six year old beauty queen who was murdered back in 1996. The case is still unsolved. Yet, the truly sick thing is that this movie, not only makes fun of the case not being solved, but kind of also hints that she was a slut at the age of six.

Let me be serious here for a second. I don't like the idea of six-year-olds being entered in beauty pageants. It's a little disturbing to me. But, making a joke like this is just plain sick, and unfunny. The writers should really, really be ashamed of themselves for this. Imagine if someone said that about their children. That being said...

We meet Average Girl's parents: Sheriff Stereotype and Stepmom. Stepmom takes a dook in Sheriff Stereotype's coffee and says she wants a divorce. Stereotype says "All right, then." He then talks on the phone with AG, overhearing that Fatass wants a beer tossed to him. Stereotype gets upset. Why? The drinking? No, because tossing and driving is illegal. Then, this happens: "Oh, by the way, your step mom left me. Bye!" Yeah... not funny.

The car breaks down, making Pardon-My-Tits happy, but Average Girl either sad or happy depending on where the camera is. They decide to party there until Nerd finds the "Crawford" sign. He tells the story of how pilgrims dishonored an Indian, and one necromanced a Turkey to kill all white people. Suddenly, this movie turned into Spike Lee's wet dream. Anyway, the story has to be true, because "Turkeyologists" around the world study it. Average Girl goes to talk to her dad on the phone again, but is scared away when the Turkey calls her a "meanie." Everyone but Chandler thinks she's crazy, even after a bunny flies into the fire. In fact, Pardon-My-Tits thinks this is the cutest thing ever.

The next morning, Redneck is standing over Fatass after the Turkey dropped its Cocoa Puffs on his chest. I would say this is a euphemism, but I'm sure that's what happened. Chandler comes out and asks the Redneck an eloquent question, "Whose this creep, sir?" Redneck explains that the Turkey is killing again, and the kids drive off. Now Chandler thinks the Turkey is fake, but everyone else believes it. Twinkie House! Meanwhile, the Turkey stops a guy in a car, who tried to have sex with the Turkey. Why not? I mean, you've done everything else in this piece of shit! Oh, look, the Turkey pulls a gun out of its ass and shoots the guy.

After dropping everyone off, Chandler goes to talk to his estranged father. Estranged for two weeks, despite the fact that the movie makes it seem like years. The turkey kills both of the parents, causing Chandler to be worried about food. Meanwhile, Pardon -My-Tits is having the safest sex one can have: sex while covered up. Turkey kills the guy, then rapes and kills her. Of course, she doesn't notice that the Turkey raped her until it kills her. Ah, comedy gold... if you have no soul. Chandler and the rest of the Scooby gang find her house, but the only evidence of what happened was a feather they found inside of her, and an "extra small, gravy flavored condom." Average Girl gets the idea of going to her dad to find a book on killer turkeys.

In speaking of Turkey, Turkey visits Stereotype, who thinks that Turkey is actually a 510 year-old midget. After an awkward conversation, Turkey kills the stereotype, and wears his face to answer the door for Average Girl. Why she knocked on her own door is beyond me. Even more beyond me is why no one notices that the Turkey is not her dad. After a montage, Nerd finds a book that says they need to take the Turkey's talisman, say a Satanic chant backwards, then burn him at a stake. A hungry Fatass decides to go to the kitchen, and finds Turkey dragging off the Sheriff. He puts the Turkey in a choke hold, allowing Chandler to grab the talisman. The Turkey escapes. Fatass, annoyed at his friends for not killing the Turkey right then, goes out, finds a cartoon turkey, and eats it. The Turkey bursts out of Fatass's stomach, saying, "Gobble gobble, motherfucker!" Nerd finds Fatass, and they have a two minute long goodbye scene to the "Turkey Killed My Best Friend" song.

The remaining kids find the Turkey's Teepee, and tie him up, allowing them to do the chant. The Turkey tries to escape, but Redneck shoots the Turkey into a dumpster. After judging the Turkey dead, the teens decide to go on with life like nothing ever happened. Meaning, they forgot about their dead family, and Chandler and Average Girl have sex in front of Nerd. All while Turkey bastes in a dumpster of radioactive waste. In a residential area.

Nerd goes into the kitchen, and the Turkey sticks a thermometer in his ass, and pecks his heart out. He then stabs Chandler with an electric carver. Average Girl takes Chandler to a shed, and burns the Turkey with a lighter and spray paint, kicking him into a bonfire. After Chandler dies, Average Girl walks up to the fire, grabs a Turkey leg, and eats it. We then see a family with a turkey dinner. The Turkey gets up and says: "Do I smell... sequel?!"

I don't know how this happened, but this movie broke me. It's offensively not funny, it's concept is terrible, and when it tries to make a pop culture joke, its disgustingly vulgar and offensive to the people involved. The creators wanted a "fun, horror comedy" that people will take lightly. The only person who can laugh at this is a sociopath or the Devil, himself. These people need a run-in with a better director. Like Uwe Boll, Michael Bay, or Joel "Pink Lights and Bat-Nipples" Shuemacher. Yes, Bat-Nurps are better than this movie.

For now, this is the Window Keeper, signing off for-- What? Oh, no... not Goldberg. A Jewish Wrestler in a Christmas Movie? WHY?!

Thoughts on Goria #6: Introducing Some New Villains

I came to a few realizations today:

1: I could make a pin-up of Succubus.

2: ... and Elaine Carver, Jillian Dyer, Emily Andrews...

3: I kill off more villains than good guys, or more villains change sides, and don't get replaced.

4: I wrote a lot of characters that could fit into the Goria universe.

So, I'm doing just that. I've also come up with some new concepts for some old characters. You know, because, I matured a little bit, and realized that I want this to be Sci-Fi/Horror, but have some semblance of realism. So, let's start this:

1: Able: I can't believe I didn't think of this idea sooner. A lot of Goria's villains are Infected (Gomorrah, Vomir, Corpse, Skin-Bag), Demonic (Samael, Amon, Carapace, Succubus), Humans that are Enhanced (Sodom, Charge, Bio-Lynn, Theta) or Undead (Harbinger, The Dark). I cannot name one that is just human, but trained to kill. And, no, Trent Falon does not count. That's where Able comes in.

Able is one of the most sadistic characters I've ever made for the sheer fact that he is just human, but is fueled by pain. Able has chains tied inside of his body, coming out of his skin, attached to different types of weapons, such as weights and blades. As one could imagine, this would hurt like hell, and Able wouldn't have it any other way. Unlike Falon's sidekick, Liana Craig, who is a sadomasochist, Able is just a masochist. Pain keeps him running, and in the contrast to Pandora Celee, whose constant pain drove her insane, Able is nearly perfectly sane. And extremely intelligent.

2: The Sick Man: Originally the villain of the book I wanted to write in high school, The Sick Man is the result of the government trying to find the next terrorist biological agent. I changed it up a little for Goria. The US Government starts experimenting with the Necrocyte, and weaponizes it so that they can see if they cure. Unfortunately, one of the scientists infects himself in protest to the plan to cure all of the infected. Instead of being able to escape after his infection, he's captured, and made into a monstrous threat to anything his new captors want. The Sick Man is a male Azrael without the bones sticking out... and oddly enough, humanity. Much like Gomorrah was being manipulated by Sodom to kill, the Sick Man is forced into killing, and tries to occasionally stop himself... possibly to no avail.

3: Drem (Drem-Ur): Drem has been used by me in several forms. He was the main antagonist in another book I wanted to write, where I was killing "sinners" for his own survival, a video game concept where he singlehandedly destroyed a space station, and even as a potential "Shade" villain. Oddly enough, though, I think Drem, the Sin Eater, would make a more worthy addition to the "Goria" universe.

Part of what makes Drem stick out in my mind is that he isn't a demon, angel, or human. He just is. His personality is that of a calm, collected killer, thinking nothing of killing a room full of innocent people to get to one person, but not panicking, or, for that matter, reacting at all, when it doesn't work. His ability to make bladed weapons out of his arms, and his quiet, malicious nature resembles that of the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day, save for the fact that, no matter how hard one tries, they can't kill Drem. Even with molten metal. If his target dies by someone else's hand, he just moves on to the next without a care in the world.

4: The Til: Originally used in the short story "Death Toll," The Til is a being that is essentially a black, viscous liquid, that, in its anthropomorphic form, seems to have long horns, a spinal column, ribs, and hips sticking out. It can possess people for its own means, either killing them, or consuming their physical forms and making them into a "shell."

The Til originally wanted to take over the world, but over the years, its motives changed. It now has no other purposes than to create chaos and feed for its survival. If it's host served its purpose, the Til has no qualms about killing them and finding another host. To add to the threat, the Til can possess someone, and you may not know it until it's too late.

5: Ragnarok: Ragnarok is, quite simply, one of the most disturbing creatures one would ever lay eyes on. Imagine a newly hatched baby bird, covered in slime, missing a beak, with feathery wings coming out of its back, and perpetually melting. Ragnarok is one of the original Nephilim, angels who mated with humans, and his grotesque form isn't his punishment; it's his camouflage from the angels who may want to find him.

Ragnarok has had millennia to hone his abilities, and it shows. He can shift reality to a literal Hell on Earth, filled with monsters that mankind probably haven't thought of. Leading him are series of random, chaotic events caused by unnatural circumstances, and leading to swarms of monsters popping out of the woodwork. A massive car accident caused by an Earthquake without a fault line, causing zombies to walk through a neighborhood was his first herald. And it surely isn't the most unusual.

Some other ideas I've been tossing up involve existing characters. I need to find a new model for Skin-Bag, for one. Another is making Poisonetia half-human instead of a full-on robot. I'm also thinking of changing some of the character dynamics, such as Sin's views of the Infecting changing more gradually instead of after Gomorrah becomes good. Stay tuned for more updates!