How Far We've Fallen: Why the Series Finale of House Sucks

You know, I got to give David Shore credit: he made a "medical" drama last five more seasons than it should have with the same three stories, and a romantic sub-plot that is more cliche than calling something cliche. Among the wreckage of story lines involving House's vicodin addiction, everyone lying, or House announcing to the world that God doesn't exist (yes, Shore, we get it, you're an atheist, let's move on), there were some great episodes ("Half-Wit," "House's Head" and "Wilson's Heart" being my personal favorites), but, let's face it, the moment House tells the ghost of his best friend's girlfriend that he wants to die because he doesn't want to be in pain, you probably cannot top that.

Instead of trying, we get House going through rehab... again, House seeing ghosts of dead team members, Kutner inexplicably killing himself, House and Cuddy dating (because fans wanted it, and nothing more), House speaking against religion, committing crimes, and going back to vicodin when he fears too much change or loss. Joy. It's the same season with "Huddy" thrown in for fan service. Oh, did I mention Olivia Wilde being in half the episodes she was contracted to be in, because no one liked her character, even after not one but two lesbian scenes in one episode (during sweeps, no less).

The last season has House in jail, then out of jail on parole. Why? Because he drove a car through Cuddy's house. Foreman is now chief of medicine, and tries to keep House on a short leash. Of course he fails constantly, because House is always right. House's tenure should only go so far, but, hey, it's the David Shore ego hour.

Fast forward to the past few episodes. In a twist that only the dimmest of bulbs couldn't see, Wilson the oncologist has cancer. House struggles with accepting this, and becomes a dick... well more of a dick. He finally learns to accept this, after flushing tickets that Foreman gave him down a toilet, clogging a pipe, and causing the roof to collapse on his patient. Wilson has only five months to live. Foreman tells Wilson to spend those months with House... then sends House to jail for vandalism for six months.

House makes a deal to do his job to avoid jail time. Instead he tries to kill himself in a burning building. Wait, no! He tries to convince other people to "take the fall" for him, including Wilson (more on this soon), and ends up on his patient with ALS. While we are tricked into thinking House died in the fire, it was actually a clever ruse by House. It was his ALS patient who died, House switching the medical records, and House gets out of work and jail time to ride off on his bike with Wilson.

This is where it takes a turn for the dumb: "Taking the fall" meant "dying in the fire."He wanted Wilson to "take the fall" for him. In other words, he wanted to kill his best friend, and use him to fake his own death. Wilson thinks that this meant jail time, which means House lied to him. There's a term for this: CONSPIRACY TO MURDER! Also, INSURANCE FRAUD! If Wilson means that much to House, why ask him to do this?

Then there's the "Happy Ending." House and Wilson ride off into the sunset. House, who faked his own death and has to make a fake identity for himself ala David Banner. He either must find a way to control the raging beast that dwells within him (Vicodin), or come back and serve jail time for vandalism of the hospital, arson, insurance fraud, and murder, all of after Wilson dies. Also, if he decides to keep hidden, he cannot be seen at Wilson's funeral, lest he be caught.

Which is inevitable as Foreman finds House's ID, and takes that as a sign of, "I'm still alive." This means that House intends on attempting to come back, or that House tried to get a one up on Foreman and is taunting him. Foreman can easily get the last word by calling the police.

Finally, there's the implication of House being selfish for faking his death in order to spend time with Wilson (whom he offered to kill earlier). This is against his character as proven in "Wilson's Heart." House and Amber are talking on a bus "near death experience. Amber tells House to go back because Wilson needs him. House tells her this: "Because, I don't want him to hate me." Yes, that can be seen as selfish, but think of this: Wilson is his only true friend. He knew that he would potentially lose him over this, and could not blame him.

You want to know something else? He could have stayed, but he went back anyway. He did this knowing that Wilson would hate him. Because, you know... House is selfish like that.

They should have ended the series a long time ago, that's for sure. But, this ending was a joke. I'm not mad that it wasn't a happy ending, I'm mad that it was ridiculous. There is closure, but it feels like a Season Finale, opening more questions than closing an entire show. It's like ending this post in mid sentence, after mentioning the walrus. Oh, I didn't mention the

This... Is... The Payne Killer: The Max Payne 3 Review

It says a lot about Rockstar that the only reason I don't like one of their games is because I don't like playing the bad guy. Yes, I don't play Grand Theft Auto for it's story, only to create chaos. But, it also says something about them when every one of their games is released as a buggy mess. I still cannot play Red Dead Redemption without John Marston trying to ride off into the sunset, and getting stuck in an invisible wall. They weren't always like this, as I remembered my days playing the first two Max Payne games. As I started to play the third, I thought it would hold up. Then, I learned my lesson.

The story is actually pretty damned good. Max is hired to be a body guard to a rich Brazilian family, and ultimately fails at saving the wife of the rich business man. He goes on a rampage of death and redemption from his alcohol and painkiller abuse to save her, which goes terribly wrong. While one has to wonder how Max always gets involved in these mad conspiracies, the game delivers a hard, gritty story that does keep the player interested. It protects itself from cliches by throwing in elements of the darker crimes that have not been explored in the previous games, and fit the setting. By the end of the game, though, you realize that you've played this game before, as it is pretty much the first two games combined. That's not a bad thing.

Where Rockstar seemed to have dropped the ball was the actual gameplay. What starts off as a Max Payne game has you taking cover in the second third of the game constantly. Shoot dodging becomes ineffective, as you'll die in three hits (at most) on Medium difficulty. The challenge would be welcome, if it weren't more due to bad enemy placement, cheap deaths, and the Last Man Standing mode being incredibly ineffective. In  practice, Last Man Standing gives you one last chance to kill a guy before you die so Max can take some painkillers and heal. The problem comes from the fact that this depends on your view, and not Max's. I died countless times shooting at an enemy that Max was looking at, and that my cursor was over, but could not hit because a little bit of a wall was in my view. This is the same wall Max was using for cover, that the bad guy shot him through because he just happened to be hiding on the other side, out of my view.

There is also the instances where you clear a room, but die when you try to progress because either A: there are bad guys in the next room that kill you as soon as you even shoot dodge in it, or B: the game didn't spawn the right number of guys, so when you try to progress, another guy spawns and kills the person you're protecting.

The game gets truly cheap in the last third of the game. Every enemy takes roughly five to twenty hits to kill, even with head shots. For a game that is trying to be more realistic, this is terrible. I can understand with the guys wearing helmets taking at least one extra shot, but pumping the same, unarmored guy with round after round to no avail, when he can kill you in three hits is not what the series is about. Throw in some terrible boss battles with guys in full body armor (that you have to blindfire on because all of their bullets hit you even when you're in cover), and you have something that is overly frustrating, and, lets face it, disappointing.
The last level especially is fueled by these moments, as well as one of the most droning, depressing songs they could put in the game. This is what it sounds like when you can't afford Poets of the Fall.

The game does look good, though. Instead of going for a graphic novel feel, Rockstar uses traditional cut scenes, and has certain words pop up on screen. These do spoil the story a lot if you pay attention to them, but it doesn't matter in the long run. Characters react to bullets in realistic, and sometimes hilarious, way. Even in the slums, you're left looking around at the details in awe. But, again, questionable choices, such as Golden Guns, come up, and you're left to wonder if Rockstar wanted this to be Max Payne, or not.

What it comes down to is that Max Payne 3 is a good action game, at least 2/3rds the way through, but not a good Max Payne game. While the story is very well done, and excellent, the game itself is marred by way too many moments of "What were they thinking?" and "What do you want me to do?" If you're expecting to play guns blazing, you will be disappointed, but if you want another cover based game, mixed with a little stunt work, this is your game... or 2/3rds of it.

Overall: B-

+ Great story
+ Action packed
+ Visually appealing
- Cheap placement of enemies
- Bulletsponges
- Not Max Payne
- Terrible soundtrack
- Did I mention the bullet sponges?

Brain Junkfood: What's Wrong with This? 2: Silent Hill 2

It says something about me as a horror fan when I find something wrong with the fundamental plot of, not just a Silent Hill game, but the "best" Silent Hill game. See, I'm in the minority that thinks that Homecoming was actually not a bad game.And that's funny to me too, because... I'll admit something that I probably shouldn't be admitting. It's the same plot as Silent Hill 2. The only difference is that Homecoming explained some of the dumbest plot twists that Silent Hill 2 had. Do I think that Pyramid Head should have been in it? Well... No, but he also shouldn't have been in the second if I'm technical about it.

See, Pyramid Head represented James' guilt, and would torture him by chasing him around. He also represented Alex's guilt and chased him around. The difference is that Alex's punished the people in Alex's life, in front of him, where as James' acts as exaggerated version if himself. There's also the big issue with the game that I have that pretty much everyone disagrees with me about. The fact that, you know... it's not fucking scary!


The premise of the game, in case you've been living under a rock in the deepest recesses of the ocean buried under the corpses of primordial fish and dinosaurs, is that James gets a letter from his dead wife. At first, James doesn't mention that she's dead, but when this comes up, the player starts going "What the fuck?" The smart player starts saying that ten seconds after they get out of the bathroom you start in. You have to get the map from your car, and walk to the next town. It gets better. It's a straight shot to the next town, of Silent Hill, so James goes down a straight road, gets distracted by a red sheet of paper (more on that soon), and walks further down the straight road into a cemetery where he tells Angela Orasco that he's lost. He got lost... walking in a straight line.

Ladies and gentlemen, clue # 1 that James Sunderland is a moron.

He goes into town, finds a radio and a weapon, and eventually goes into an apartment building. He runs into Pyramid Head, who is raping two monsters. This is supposed to represent James' sexual repression. There are so many things wrong with this, that I don't even know where to start. Let's just say this first off: Why is Pyramid Head punishing James by assaulting the monsters? Secondly, and most importantly, it really has very little to do with the plot.

This is my first of many rants about this game, but only one of three that may be in here. There are only three mentions in the game of James' sexual frustration. First is this, second is Angela being raped by her father, and the third is Maria saying that James wanted someone like Mary who wouldn't yell at him, and could satisfy him. Yet, every monster is either oversexualized (nurses), or taken to mean that it's sexual. Abstract Daddy, I can see. But the lying figure and flesh lips? Let's see, Mary was coughing up a lung, and the lying figure vomits on you. And the flesh lips look like morgue drawers. Hell, even Freud didn't think every cigar was a penis!

Also in the apartment is Eddie Dombrowski, who's a little bit special. He's vomiting in the apartments, but eating pizza the next time you see him. If the cast also represents aspects of the main character, then Eddie must be James' lack of intelligence.He's made fun of to the point where he starts killing those who insult him. As he tells James this in the end of the game, James calls him insane. Yes, James, call the mentally handicapped man with a magnum insane and expect him to rethink his idea.

Of course, he tries to kill you. Clue #2 that James is a moron.

There's a little girl who is pretty much inconsequential to the plot, if you ask me. Sure, she gives you a letter, but most of the time you're chasing her to get information from her about Mary. Then, there's Maria, Mary's doppleganger. James keeps calling her Mary, and this pisses her off. She's the last boss, and "the key" to getting the best ending in the game. The more you protect her, the better the ending. But, as with anything in this game, there's a catch.

At one point, you find Angela attempting suicide. She gives you her knife, and walks away. If you examine the knife, you lose ranking for your ending. I protected Maria, but looked at the knife, and got the worst ending. This confused me until I found out about this today.

Most games in the series have you saving at symbolic points. Here, it's a red sheet of paper. This is supposed to represent the letter you have, but think about it. James picks fights with gun-wielding madmen, gets lost going down a straight line, and can't even think of why Mary and Maria look the same. He confuses them. but he doesn't get that they're the same person. Maria is, like, evil Mary. By the time he figures this out, he has been tricked into getting locked in a monster filled room by an eight year old girl, challenged a challenged person to a gun fight, mentioned time and time again that his wife died (one time, in front of him), but is still believing she's alive, and has fallen down eight bottomless pits. Seriously, one section has so many bottomless pits, that even he asks if he absolutely needs to go down them? Oh, did I mention the wallet?

Yeah, I forgot about the wallet in the puke-and-poo filled toilet. He sees it and decides to take it. Not because of the money, but because it was in there with a combination to the safe. The safe has money, right? No, it has ammo. At this point, I was carrying 120 pistol rounds. I ended the game with 260 Pistol rounds and 100 Shotgun shells. That's not counting what I used. Dead Space gives you less ammo, and that's supposedly action-horror!

Perhaps what really pisses me off about Silent Hill 2 is the fact that everyone makes James out to be evil for killing his wife. Out of the context of the game, this makes sense, killing is wrong. This is a gray area. She's dying anyway, and in pain. She asks the doctors and James to kill her. He finally does it, and people immediately think her disease killed her. Even though she allegedly said that she didn't want to die (I've played the game twice, and only heard James say that she wanted to live in the bad ending), you have to realize that James didn't want to watch her suffer more than she didn't want to suffer. Let's think about this.

James kills her and forgets that she's dead in the span of three years, much less that he killed her. She yells at him, berates him, and tells her to kill her. He has the intelligence of a toddler. My point: James doesn't know right from wrong! This renders Pyramid Head useless. What would have been better was locking James up in his room without dinner.

Or, take it another way. He thinks he failed at killing her, and came to Silent Hill to finish the job. That means that he didn't believe the doctors confirming she was dead. Which also means that if she's alive, the doctors lied to him. Wouldn't he be trying to kill the doctors (since he's too stupid to sue for malpractice)? Chances are that he's trying to legitimately get to Mary because he loves her, not because he hates her. And, yet, that doesn't explain the big issue: how did James forget that he killed Mary?

In Homecoming, Alex blocked that he killed his brother because of both shock and the fact that he never fully grew up. That's not even implied with James (though it is possible). Instead, we just have to accept that he forgot that he killed his wife, and went looking for her, despite knowing that she was dead. The addition of Eddie doesn't help things either. Nor do the joke endings. Seriously, a dog is controlling everything? What the fuck?

It also bothers me how upfront the game is about what they're trying to portray. Towards the end, James wanders through a prison. Subtle, game. It's hard to make him seem evil when all you can see is a misunderstood man who cannot tell what he did was wrong.

If I had to pick a way to close this article, it would be like this. Silent Hill 2 placed the series on the map, but critics feel the new games are taking away from the game entirely too much. Homecoming had the same plot. Downpour dealt with imprisonment. The Room had Walter Sullivan, who in the second killed himself with a plastic spoon. Take this on a deeper level. Maybe they're complaining about those games because they kind of point out how this one isn't really the best in the series. I figure it's this way:

Eddie: James' stupidity.
Maria: James' inability to distinguish right from wrong (hence she looks like Mary as a stripper, but acts "loving")
Laura: The child he could never have/ his mentality
Angela: Abuse and/or not understanding sex
Pyramid Head: Not so much guilt as it is repressed memory
Mira the dog: Escaping reality
Holes in the labyrinth: the plot holes in this game.

In speaking of plot holes, next time, we'll delve into why time travel rarely works  they way we think. Continuity away!