Brain Junkfood: Painkiller Blowout Part Two: Battle Out Of Hell & Overdose

You know, sometimes I really don't know what I'm getting myself into with these articles. I mean, sure, I knew that I was going to kill clowns in an amusement park, but, how was I supposed to know that the plot of Painkiller would change completely.


Yes, in Battle Out of Hell, you fight clowns. And orphans. And children in burlap sacks. I know this may not make sense to you now, but...

Oh, fuck it, I still can't make sense of it. The point is, in Battle Out of Hell, you kill shit. A lot of shit. Shit that looks like clowns, shit that looks like Russian Soldiers, and shit that looks like an armored demon. A lot of shit. But, it's not the list of enemies that makes no sense. No, something makes fighting anthropomorphic popcorn demons seem sane.

What is that, you may ask? Well, reader, it's simple. It's the dumbest plot twist ever written: The person helping you is trying to take over Hell. Yes, Eve, as in Garden of Eden Eve, helps you kill the devil, then, kill Alastor, who steals the devil's power, so she can become the devil. This makes less sense when you consider why she does this. There are three reasons:

1: God chose her destiny, so she had no choice to bite the apple, thus creating sin on the world. Therefore, she wants revenge on Heaven, by destroying it.
2: Samael trusts Eve, and he's a servant of God. Despite this, Eve hates both angels and demons, because they both made her sin.
3: She's convinced that Daniel (who looks even more like Butthead) loves her, despite him killing the devil so he can be at his wife's side. I'll excuse this, mainly because he does go to save Eve.

But, the first two? She sinned because she couldn't help it? Really? According to her logic, we're all destined to not have free will. I've heard this before, and it still sounds as insane as Scientology's beliefs. This would mean that we had no choice in anything in our lives, thus all evil would be destined to exist. No one would have a choice. We'll be so much a fictional universe as this game. How would you feel if at any given moment, you felt you could stop reading this article, but I told you that you had to read on? Guess what? You have to read on!

If you're actually still here, then I should probably tell you that this ends exactly like the first game, Daniel fighting legions of demons. If you're wondering why I'm not talking anymore about Battle Out of Hell, let this be your answer: Painkiller: Overdose. Yes, I actually played through this game, and let me tell you, the title was apt. I actually think the only thing that can cure the headache that game gave me is a painkiller overdose.

I never knew I could hate a game more than Call of Juarez: The Cartel. And it's not just because it's bad. It's because Overdose had the potential to be a good game. It just falls flat because of quite a few aspects, the first being that it's just Painkiller with more linear levels. I'm hard pressed to think of more than two levels where you don't walk in a straight line, kill everything, then walk in a straight line. Can you see how annoying that would get? The levels where it isn't a straight line are the good levels, too. Those are the Slaughterhouse and the Movie Studio.

Those of you who played the game, yes, I'm skipping the Amusement Park as an example of a good level. Mainly because it's the same level as the Amusement Park in Battle Out of Hell, only with a pirate ship in the end instead of a roller coaster ride. Seriously, that's the only difference. Did I mention that the guys who made the original didn't make this one? Yeah, Mindware made this game, and they sure as fuck don't know what the hell they're doing game design wise.

I say that in specific because the character design isn't bad. Of the characters not used in the original game, I fought cops, graffiti artists, geisha girls, burning demons, Cerebus, butchers with cow's heads, movie cut outs (that spawn from film strips), and lighting guys. Oh, and... Frankenstein? What the fuck am I fighting Frankenstein for? Did he steal my Girl Scout Cookies? Figuring that this time around, you're playing as Belial, the half-demon/half-angel child of HATE (which he reminds you of every chance he gets), that may be possible.

Let's talk about Belial. He's a terrible character thanks to the creative teams lacking of creativity. Here's Belial's top ten one liners.

10: Kiss my shiny half demon butt.
9: Kiss my half angel ass
8: Another one bites the dust
7: Taste like chicken
6: I'm a regular Johnny Appleseed
5: ?
4:?
3:?
2:?
1:?

He only has five taunts. He says the same five things over and over until you want to shove your head into a wall. What's more is "I'm a regular Johnny Appleseed," is said when he kills someone. How the fuck does that make sense? Did Johnny Appleseed run around with a shotgun and kill 66 people so he could turn into a demon? Where was this in history class? No, in fact, he was a missionary. Which makes this make even less sense. Was Sylvester Stallone copyrighted? How about "I'm a regular Chuck Norris?"

Even the decorations can be creepy. In the slaughterhouse, phrases like "I'll join PETA, I promise!" and "I'm sorry! I'll never eat meat again!" are scrawled in blood on the walls. The enemies can range here from butchers to pig carcasses made into scarecrows with human heads placed upside down. Also, there are henhouses that spit out demon chickens. What's with the games I'm playing lately and demon chickens?

The story of the game is boring to say the least. Belial is half demon and half angel. Both sides hate him, so Samael locks him away after Cerebus eats his wings. Now, he's free and he wants to kill Samael, presumably by taunting him to death. After he beats Samael, he goes to find Daniel, setting up for the sequel.

The journey, though is puzzling. Did you know that there are aliens in hell? How about Cthulhu demons? Why exactly am I fighting everyone in a riot? Why are cops shooting at graffiti artists? Why does Belial keep telling me that souls taste like chicken?

Most importantly, why does this game exist? I know this is ranting at this point, but quite literally, this game has nothing to do with anything previously seen in the series. I know it was originally a mod, but why did Dreamcatcher feel the need to make this an expansion? They had to have played the thing, and had to have seen that it sucked more than a Clinton Intern and the porn industry combined. I mean, for fuck's sake, 99.9% of the game is going in a line. There's no level design, period. Even when the game has an idea that is somewhat clever, it's ruined by the fact that it's in this game. The game's presence is enough to ruin the few good ideas it has.

Oh, the weapons, too, while I'm ranting. They're "new and improved." They're reskins of the original game's weapons. Instead of a stakegun, you get a... goo launcher? How the fuck does goo become a steak? How does one suck a fuck? How DOES THIS GAME

Sorry. I needed to take my happy pills. Now, you can see why this game makes me want to have an aneurysm. It's the most painful game I've ever had to play, because it ruins the series. But, we have more to come. Stay tuned as I show you what unoriginal fucks Mindware is as they ripoff the game they expanded. Oh yeah, my nightmare's just begun.

First Impressions: The Darkness II

It's been a while since I played a demo for a game set to come out, mainly because I haven't found a demo that I felt was worth reviewing (aside from Rayman Origins, but that's because you would have already known weather you liked it or not). As a fan of the first game, I decided to give The Darkness II a shot. And, I have to go on the record saying this: I'm pretty disappointed.

That's not to say I hated it, far from it. The game play is fun, and using the titular Darkness is addictive and satisfying. One tendril aids in executions, eats hearts, and destroys doors, while the other slashes and maims everything, which creates a variety of ways, especially when combined with your guns, to kill your enemies. You also have a selection of executions you can do, including ripping people in half (which is incredibly, if not, disturbingly detailed). These are fun to do, but there's a big issue I have with them. Every time you do one, words pop on the center of the screen, as well as a score counter, making it seem like an arcade shooter.

The whole game, in fact, has that aesthetic. The levels are linear, doing away with the semi-free roaming aspect the first game had, as well as side missions. You get experience to build up your powers in a more RPG style leveling for abilities. I never knew that the Darkness had the power of "Carrying More Ammo," but that's a minor rant. This works for this game, due to the fact that Jackie still has his ability to use the Darkness, but he hasn't used it in so long that he may be able to reroute the ability. In the first, he just had his basic abilities because he was learning them, which makes sense. Luckily, you have the demon arm from the beginning.

The problem I have with the other power aspect is the Darkling. You have one, and he acts like a drunk groupie for a punk band. He isn't even voice by Richard Horvitz, and is intelligent, not a follower of instincts. I know that it's a character issue, not game, but consider this: the first game is story and character driven. This one is character driven still, thus still story driven (the character is the story), yet, they altered aspects of the character within the character to make it completely different than what was established. It's like watching a movie about a killer with MPD, finding out who the killer personality was, then finding out in the sequel that the killer personality was actually Rabbit the mute boy. Figuring that the Darkling even mentions that he came from Jackie's head, this does apply.

I also have issues with the controls for the arms. R2 is used to attack with the right tendril. R2 would feel more natural as the gun attack, both because it feels like a trigger, and because it's lower on the controller. The way its mapped feels very clunky. I'm hoping you have an option to remap these controls.

But, the game is fun. It's also well acted (sorry Kirk Acevedo, you never sounded 21-23). It looks beautiful, too. It looks like an old comic book, which works for it. Stay tuned for more when The Darkness II comes out in two weeks.

More Brain Junkfood Updates *sigh*

Well, another change to Brain Junkfood, this time with "What's So Bad About This." I started playing Left 4 Dead on the PC, and, much to my surprise, I started enjoying it. Last time I had played it, it was a steaming pile a crap (on console, mind you). So, I'm taking a left turn with it, and talking about a game I like that no one else did, for one edition. I haven't decided which one yet, but I narrowed it down to these:

Jericho
Spider-Man: Edge of Time
Silent Hill: Homecoming
Condemned 2: Bloodshot

I'll let you know when I do it which one it'll be. Keep in mind that I have a lot of school work (which is hammering me hard), and I'm playing about five different games for different articles, so I may not be updating on a timely schedule.

Brain Junkfood: Painkiller Blowout Part One: Painkiller

Usually, when I do these articles, I find a picture that only has little to do with the game I'm writing it on. Believe it or not, this has very little to do with Painkiller. For starters, you never carry a Mauser rifle, not ammo belts. You also never wear a halo, much less rip one off of your head like your Arnold Schwarzeneggar. There's also the fact that your character, Daniel Garner, looks closer to Butt Head than an action star. Finally, there's the fact that you always wear a shirt.

The first question I may get is, "Why is Painkiller a 'Brain Junkfood?' It's not weird!" Well, you're partly right, it isn't weird in the traditional sense. What makes it weird is the fact that the game serves as a diving board for expansion after expansion. I'm only going to cover two of those expansions, which are not the fan made ones. Yes, there are fan made expansions, and they're utter crap. But, I digress.

We should start here, because, well, the expansions won't make sense if we don't. You play as Daniel, a man who died in a car accident, but went to Purgatory while his wife went to Heaven. Samael approaches you, saying God wants you to kill the Devil's four Generals. I've always had a problem with Samael doing this, mainly because being a messenger was never his role. He has been the Angel of Death, a guardian angel of Esau, Patron of the Roman Empire, and even in league with the Devil, depending on what lore you go by. Hell, his name means "Drug of God," and he is married to Lillith in Kabbalah, but not after mating with the Angels of the Sacred Prostitution. And yet, he's just a messenger here? What, was Gabriel busy? I know Michael is the patron Saint of soldiers, as well as the head of the Angelic Army, but I'm pretty sure he'd be better at doing this than Samael.

Anyway, you go and set off to kill the four giant bosses. The first is a giant in a graveyard, but he's fought four levels after you had left the graveyard. The map Samael gave you is apparently the same on Bugs Bunny uses that tells him to make those wrong turns in Alburquerque. After killing the NecroGiant, you meet Eve. Yes, that Eve. She helps you find the next boss, Swamp Thing the Toad-Man. I feel like I mashed two superheroes into one giant boss.

If you haven't noticed, Daniel can't read his map. I can relate, because I don't understand how a board with a spinning wheel of drawings is a map. Yet, Eve and Samael read it perfectly fine. This happens in every cut scene in the game. When Daniel kills Swamp Toad, Eve and Osmodeus (yes, a demon) read Daniel's map for him. It's not that he's illiterate, the map is actually a child's toy. More proof that Samael was just fucking with Daniel's head.

Osmodeus leads Daniel to Alastor, the Devil's right hand man. After a long battle, Osmodeus shows that he is, in fact, the devil, and kidnaps Eve. Samael tells Daniel that his work is done, but Daniel wants to go to hell to save Eve. Hesitant, Samael points the way, and Daniel fights through hordes of monsters to Hell, an eternal Battlefield, to fight the Devil. After the devil dies, Alastor comes up to show that he wanted Daniel to kill the devil all along, and that he will torment Daniel as Hell takes over Heaven. Too bad this is the exact same thing the devil said when you killed Alastor.

What sets Painkiller apart is the weapons. Sure, you have a minigun/rocket launcher and a shotgun/freeze ray. But, a Stake Gun? A Lightning Cannon that shoots Throwing Stars? A flamethrower/assault rifle? All to take out ninjas in opera houses and puking sailors. Oh, and amputees, as well.

There is a massive problem with the game, though. It's nearly impossible to beat. It's not because it's hard (and it is hard). There's a bug in the second to last level that if you don't hit all of the check points in order, you cannot finish it. And the checkpoints randomly disappear before you get to them, too.

Despite this, Painkiller is one of my favorite shooters. There was a console port, but it's only 10 of the 50 levels in the game. They cut out a lot of the content that made the game as addictive as it is. And it took me a while to even beat it, mainly because I just now got a computer that can run it well.

I hate to keep this one short, but I'm saving my writing for the ones that need it the most. Believe me, they're coming up real soon. Keep tuned in as I fight my way out of Hell.

Brain Junkfood Updates

Some good news and bad news about some upcoming Brain Junkfoods.

First, the bad news. I'm delaying You Are Empty until a slightly later time. Part of it is due to the fact that the game is longer than I anticipated, mostly due to how slow the game is. No, it's not my system, the game is really this damn slow.

Instead, I'll head on to the Painkiller Blowout, which was supposed to be the February-March editions. We'll start with PainKiller, Battle Out of Hell, Over Dose, and then a surprise game that utterly blows my mind due to its existence. No, really, I can't figure out why it exists. It is utterly laughable, and a nightmare to play. A funny nightmare, but only because it's that damn bad. At least Painkiller is awesome!

Last but not least, a few people have been asking me why I hated "X" Game. Well, for some upcoming Brain Junkfoods, I will answer those questions in a special called "What's So Bad About This?" Keeping with the Brain Junkfood tradition, they will be bizarre in story, but they also ruin the game those paying attention to what's going on. Those will be:

Dead Space 2
Singularity
Silent Hill 2
Left 4 Dead Series

Keep in mind that this is based on my opinion, and is meant for humor, not to change people's minds. Except for Silent Hill 2. If you actually cannot figure out how that one is dumb, then you need your head examined.



... That was a joke.