Brain Junkfood: House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut

I would be a discredit to gamers if I didn't talk about games that everyone finds as a guilty pleasure. Without any good or comical male chauvinist influences in games that mock the norm of casual sex (or have attractive looking women... seriously, what the fuck is that thing?), Sega saves the day with not one, but two stereotyped males! One of them is the rookie, by the book agent, and the other is a fowl mouthed, slang spewing cliche, one that makes Samuel L. Jackson seem uncool. Sorry, Mr. Jackson... I didn't mean it. But, as the late, great Billy Mays would say, wait, there's more! We also get to play as two strippers in this version of the game! I'm not just talking about the original game, folks. I'm talking about House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut!

Like all great House of the Dead games, Overkill is a lightgun shooter. You use a special controller, in this case, the Move controller, as a gun, aim, and shoot at the badguys. But, also like all House of the Dead games, they make fun of one of the worst lines in game history: "Suffer Like G, Did?" But, instead of using just the line, Overkill names an entire song after it. And, like the theme, all of the music is based on the Grindhouse style. This makes for some interesting lines, let me tell you.

The plot is that Agent G ('Fraid you'll never know what the "G" stands for) and Detective Isaac Washington are dead set on arresting evil mastermind Papa Cesar for unleashing a mutant outbreak. Cesar is holding Dr. Jasper Guns hostage, but when Cesar threatens Jasper's sister, Jasper injects himself with the serum to turn him from Stephen Hawking to a giant brain with a body. After Jasper is killed, you follow Cesar through such locals as a carnival and a train, aided by Jasper's stripper sister, Varla Guns.

There's a side plot in the PS3 Extended version where you play as Varla, and her friend, Candi Stryper. Candi is also Jasper's girlfriend, and has some of the funniest lines in the game. In one section, Varla insults her, and this dialogue comes up:

Candi: Well, nothing you, Varla Guns!
Varla: What?
Candi: My mother told me if I didn't have anything nice to say, then say nothing. So, nothing you!

Needless to say, when Candi's arm gets cut off, she says nothing. Literally, she says, "Nothing!" over and over. Considering that she's the only other character who isn't crude, it comes off as all the more hilarious. Even when asked how she made a gymnastics move in a leg brace, she replies, "Jasper used to ask me that all the time." Yes, Dr. Hawking is apparently a pimp. Don't boo me, you know its true!

Back to the crude characters, our main villain is a prison warden named Clement Darling, who immediately looks like a zombie. He takes a piss in front of his car, but gets some on his leg. Frustrated, he says this to G and Washington: "Oh shit. I just pissed on my left leg of my pants. Now, if I meet anyone new and interesting, they're going to be inclined to believe that I'm the type of guy who pisses himself. Even though, I'm not the type of guy who pisses himself, they'll think that I am!" Instead of killing him, G and Washington go to the prison, only to find Darling is the bad guy. He switches his mother's brain with Varla's, so that his mother will stay young. He wants a young mother because he wants to have sex with his mother. Damn it, Freud, stop placing your theories in my video games!

After a missing reel of our heroes killing his mother, she turns into a giant monster, and you have to kill her with randomly found miniguns. After she dies, Darling asks to redeem himself... by walking back into her... well... let's just say he's conceived again. Washington blows the place up, while G professes his love for Varla's brain. They then get attacked by a zombie.

While not the weirdest game I've ever played, it is the weirdest light gun I've played since Beast Busters, and that game had pregnant zombies that gave birth when killed. I do miss the '80's light gun games... It isn't for everyone, but it is worth looking at. Especially if you played the original games.

Now, to start the new year right... by ending the Soviet Union! Will I feel a bit Empty after the next Brain Junkfood? Stay tuned...

Upcoming Brain Junkfoods and News

Some news first. I got a new computer! She's running great, and while she can't run anything too new, she can run some PC games. This opens up my options quite a bit with the Brain Junkfood articles, seeing as there are a lot of weird/bad PC games. Here's an updated list for the coming year.

House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut (Next one, actually)
Urban Chaos
Soldier of Fortune: Payback
Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge
You Are Empty (February)
Yard Sale Hidden Treasures Sunnyville
Painkiller Blowout (Painkiller, Overdose, Battle Out of Hell and a surprise)
Still Life II (I actually can't believe how badly acted it is)

As I hit my stride in writing articles again, I may push more Brain Junkfood articles through the year. What I mean is that they won't be monthly, but possibly bi-weekly. As for the HHMR's, those are going to be monthly, as my schedule allows (school, work, etc.) If anyone has any requests, let me know (Brain Junks, HHMR's, or what have you).

My 2011 Gaming Picks

It's that time of the year, again. That time where everyone thinks of the past year in gaming, movies, whatever. And, what a year we've had! We've had the return of an icon, remakes, and some of the most underrated games we've seen. These are my personal picks for the year. A few ground rules.

1: This is based on my opinion, not from other reviews. These are games that I liked/hated for my own reasons. I may mention other reviews in this, but it's not from an influenced stand, it's from a research stand.

2: I played these games, but not necessarily finished them. If I didn't finish them, I didn't review them. I may have done a first impressions on them, but if I didn't play it at all, it's not on the list (so, no Modern Warfare 3, or most RPG's).

3: There must be a basis for my selections, be it technical, story, or innovation. It isn't just because I'm defiant, and rebelling against "professional" game reviewers.

Let's start with the negatives:

Most Disappointing Game:

The list of games that disappointed me this year is pretty big for me, especially considering that for every good game, we had two bad ones. Homefront and Dead Space 2 were both contenders for this due to story elements that don't meld at all. According to Homefront, gas will be $20 a gallon... in two days. Then there's the man-made alien technology in Dead Space 2. Another runner was Killzone 3, a game that was so over the top dramatic that it made soap operas seem like Oscar winning movies, and an ending so preachy that I thought I was leaving church, and was just told I was going to Hell for masturbating. You can't beat Killzone 3, and feel like you achieved anything but senseless slaughter, and it reminds you of that in the ending.

But, there's only one game that disappointed me so much that I could not press my self to review it. Only one game could take a giant leap backwards after the developers showed they could make an outstanding series. Yes, folks, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception is my most disappointing game this year. I can't say it's just one thing about it, either. The story was dull, and taken from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with scenes from Quantum of Solace, The Posiedon Adventure, and The Living Daylights. Seriously, they stole the plane scene from a Timothy Dalton Bond Movie. If you don't believe me, Playstation Magazine mentioned it in their review, (no, I'm not breaking my own rule here, this was actually research). The villain was supposed to be a strong psychological villain, but as soon as she gives away a major plot point, her role is pretty much as a shadow to her body guard, who is one of the lamest and cliche villains ever written. Imagine Star Wars if Darth Vader said that he was Luke's father, and Luke just said, "Okay, whatever!" then had a duel with Vader's second in command. Upon his death, Luke will also say, "Yippie ki yay, motherfucker!" You want to know the kicker? I paid for the collector's edition. At least I got a belt buckle out of this crap!

Worst Graphics:

Hell, I don't even have other nominees than this one. Call of Juarez: The Cartel gets it just on principle. The evidence? The transparent rain texture was lifted what would roughly be three feet from the floor, so the splashes from your footfalls were at your knee. Then there's the infamous "three sided rock" that you can see through. Did I mention the overuse of bloom? Everything shines in this game, for no reason.

Worst Script:

A thought for Epic Games. When you introduce a character, and he's supposed to be a big human foil, it's generally not a good idea to have him instigate a fight, then, when challenged, have him go, "Okay, I'm leaving," after having him say how big and bad he is. It's also not a good idea to make an emotional moment in a game, but have it come from someone who would not do that due to loyalty. It's also not a good idea to say you're doing a new game that's never been done, only to show a tower defense game, but I digress. Despite this, Gears of War 3 is safe. Dead Space 2, and Uncharted 3 are on this list, for reasons all ready stated.

But, there can be only one winner. Again, Call of Juarez: The Cartel takes this. No other game has had issues with the voice actors lines not matching the subtitles. I also can't let, "It's dark as fuck!/"It's dark as cow's guts!" slide. There's also the racist themes that make it seem like all Mexicans are drug dealers, and all white people are women-punching pimps.

Worst Movie Based Game:

Only one movie based game was so bland, boring, and terrible that it earned this award with flying colors. Thor: God of Thunder, with it's one button combat, flat acting, and last gen graphics, pretty much asked for this honor. Consider this: Its only redeeming value was that it wasn't Saw II: Flesh and Blood. Normally, that's not a hard thing to do, but I'm not convinced that Thor even wanted to be better than Saw II.

Most "Awesome" Glitch:

L.A. Noire made this list for the "Elevator Glitch," which made your partner get stuck in the elevator of a building, and you could leave him behind. But, it doesn't beat the other nominee that has several glitches, including one that takes away your ability to attack if you die too many times. Dead Island deserves this award, not just for that, but also for the woman with man parts, the spinning car, and being able to fly through the island. The link has a a few of these glitches, for your laughs. Congrats, Dead Island, you "deserve" this.

Worst Game of 2011:

Between these games, only one can get the worst: Killzone 3, Uncharted 3, Thor: God of Thunder, and Call of Juarez: The Cartel. Let me put it this way, games aspire to be as bad as Call of Juarez: The Cartel, so that they can learn what not to do. While the rest of the nominees were, to me, bad games, it was only due to some bad issues I had with those games, but they did have some redeeming value. Hell, I could laugh at Thor. Call of Juarez: The Cartel was unredeemably painful. If I laughed at it, it's only because it kept me from smashing my brain with the disc.

Now for the positive:

Most Underrated Game:

People actually refused to read my blog after I gave Duke Nukem Forever a positive review. I say this; I'm still nominating it. Mainly, it's because people had their expectations way too high. Bulletstorm, and Spider-Man: Edge of Time are both fun games, that got tossed aside for no reason. Yes, I think Edge of Time isn't as good as Shattered Dimensions, but is still good game. Only one game was poorly received for reasons I can't figure out.

And that game is Bodycount. It got punishing reviews for bad gameplay, graphics, and lack of story. It's gameplay was fast and furious, much like the arcade style that it's based on. The trick was that it was a lot of fun, and didn't need much of a story. Either do other games that get good reviews, yet Bodycount got blasted for it. While being tough, the game is rarely unfair, and the destructible environment adds to the challenge, and fun, of the game. For added fun, play through the game while trying to get all of the trophies, especially the insane ones. You can kill a sniper with a grenade.

Best Open World Game:

There was no shortage of Open World Games this year. Batman: Arkham City, while in a small world, was open enough for the size of the city, giving the player hours of content aside from the main game. Infamous 2 stood out from the original, as well as the genre itself, just by the sheer expanse of the story. But, there's only one Open World Game that left me in awe.

L.A. Noire had it all: a gripping story, beautiful graphics, an amazing cast, and new technology that they made a use for, beyond just bragging points. The facial and body animations were realistic, especially for the time period of the game's setting. While it faces tough competition, L.A. Noire is the one game I keep coming back to for an open world fix.

Best Shooter:

This year has been saturated with shooters, much like every other year. Bulletstorm was a wild romp that was both crude, and had an emotional sub-plot. Bodycount was a thrill ride of a game, and deserved much more credit than it got. Crysis 2 showed that the first person shooter genre can evolve to a true story telling genre instead of simply killing.

It's Battlefield 3 that takes it for me, though. Never have I played a game that capture the soldier's experiences during war so well, that I, as a veteran, was impressed. I've never had a moment that filled me with such dread as when I walk into a vacant street, and hear, "That's weird, there's no civies," and knowing that there's going to be a sniper attack, just seconds before a shot rings out. Battlefield 3 is by far the most realistic war game I've ever played, and the best shooter this year.

Best Platformer:

This year saw the return of Sonic the Hedgehog with Sonic Generations, a game that amazed me immensely with how they could actually do Sonic right. Little BIG Planet 2 arrived, with a way to make entire games as opposed to just levels. While they were both great, I chose one that makes me happy when I play it no matter what.

If you haven't played Rayman Origins, you need to now. Ignore the busty nymphs if you have to, but play it. Between tough boss battles, French hunters, the cute Teensies (I swear one says "Wiggy wiggy!" when you beat a level), and the Pig Latin,... there are too many things to list. Rayman Origins is the most fun I've had playing a platformer in a long time. It can get frustrating, but it's still worth the play...s.

Best Graphics:

While I'm impressed by Arkham City's graphics, it still looks like the Unreal 3 engine. It still a nominee, though, because of just how impressive it is. Battlefield 3 looks amazing and real, yet it still had some uncanny parts to it. Infamous 2 in particular caught me off guard with how detailed everything looked. Crysis 2 showed a mostly photo realistic world falling apart around you, creating many gasp-worthy moments, inspiring both awe and horror.

But, it's L.A. Noire that once again takes it. The facial animations are amazing, especially with how close to the actual actors they are. The city comes alive with reactions to you, as well as pulling over when your siren in blaring. There are details in L.A. Noire that I still haven't spotted.

Best Non-Shooter Action:

It really comes down to three titles here: Spider-Man: Edge of Time and Batman: Arkham City. I have to say, though, Arkham City takes it. Its a game where you can take your time to do what you need to do, and even return to do some bonus side missions, challenges, or get gadgets you didn't get before. On top of that, the game is varied enough that you aren't doing the same thing in every mission. You even have a side mission that ends with Batman losing the case. Also, it has an "alternate ending" if you play some of the DLC. See if you can find it.

Game of the Year:

There were a lot of good games year, and a lot of overlooked ones. But, there were very few stand out titles for me. These titles do represent the best this year had to offer, and hopefully a growth in the industry. Here's the nominees and why:

Batman: Arkham City: All ready established as one of the best games made with Batman, Arkham Asylum was a tough act to follow. Rocksteady managed to more than follow it, though, by adding not just more gameplay, but more land to the playing field. It also has a variety of side quests, and more single player DLC that adds to the story. The one bad thing I can say about that is you have to buy the game new to get it. Even then with this game, it does feel a little bit of a gyp. Don't let it be said that Arkham City isn't worth a visit.

Battlefield 3: Realism in war shooters is hard to come by, and DICE does it exceedingly well. Battlefield 3 is no exception, keeping the difficult firefights constant, and rethinking strategy a necessity. The trade off is that the campaign is short, even for me. But, I was blown away by it, nonetheless. Modern Warfare may have started the trend of killing a playable character into a big event, but Battlefield 3 perfected it to a stunning, and stomach churning, result. It also perfected the formula of being a game that feels like war.

L.A. Noire: Being innovative is tough to do, and while I don't like Rockstar, they do a damn good job staying on their innovation A game. Team Bondi's L.A. Noire is a game so interesting, that when I was talking about it with my family this past Christmas, my father, who has never liked video games (with some minor exceptions) was intrigued. Being able to spot a liar is a little tricky at times, which adds to the challenge of the game. But, some aiming issues do hold it back a little. The story makes up for it in a big way.

Rayman Origins: Ubisoft wasn't joking when they said they made a game that was 60 + levels of HD glory. They also weren't joking when they made the game. Not only is the gameplay addictive, but so is the music, the graphics, and the over all feel of the game. The best part is you can play it with someone else, and discover more secrets, or even beat each other up. Rayman Origins proves you don't need 3D graphics to be stunning. The draw back of the game is how difficult it can get at times, but the fun counters it immensely.

This is a close list, too. As I'm writing this, I'm finding it difficult to pick one winner. But, I'm going to have to pick one, right? And that one is, by a hair, L.A. Noire. As intelligent as it is innovative, L.A. Noire is a full package between fun, story, and concepts not prior executed in video games. L.A. Noire used the facial motion scanning not just for the player, but to make the characters feel real. It worked, too, giving one of the most intriguing and heart wrenching stories in gaming to date.

For those of you curious, the number two pick was Rayman Origins. The only way L.A. Noire won it was for it's innovation with the motion scan. It was that damn close.

Horrid Horror Movie Special Salute to Darren McGavin

Here's an update. I will not be doing One Eyed Monster after all. It's not because I'm lazy, but because it actually was a pretty good movie, and I found myself making jokes that were made in the film itself. Any movie that is as insane as this, and realizes not to take itself seriously, is worth the watch. Just make sure you are an adult, as it is a pretty raunchy movie.

With it being the Christmas Season, I decided to do something different, and not a review a horror movie, but highlight one of the actors that has helped define the industry with one of its most prolific characters. He not only portrayed one of the industries human horror hero icons, but inspired a hit show made by Chris Carter: "The X-Files." The sad thing is most young horror viewers today do not know about this man, which they should. With out further ado, I'd like to posthumously introduce William Lyle Richardson, better known as Darren McGavin. Those of you old enough may remember him by another name, too: Carl Kolchak.


After earning his Bachelors on Fine Arts for Drama from the Actors Studio in New School University, Mr. McGavin had near constant work throughout the 1950's through the 1970's, including playing tough talking Private Investigator Mike Hammer, a character created by writer Mickey Spillane. It wasn't until 1971 when he was cast as the reporter Carl Kolchak that would define him a as cult favorite actor among the horror circle. The Night Stalker was the highest rated television movie of 1972, followed by the sequel The Night Strangler in 1973.

With the success of these two movies, NBC picked up the contract to make a show based on the character of Kolchak, spawning the series "Kolchak: The Night Stalker. The show, due to censorship and budget issues, wasn't extremely violent, going for the cheesy end of horror. Mr. McGavin wanted to make the series more serious, but was unsuccessful. As it began its decent to complete camp, the series ended after only one season.

Mr. McGavin took more acting roles, including the father in The Christmas Story. In the 1990's, Chris Carter, partially inspired by the theme of "the unknown amongst us" that "The Night Stalker" was modeled from. The series became "The X-Files," and Mr. McGavin was set to guest star in three episodes. Due to his ailing health, he only appeared in two episodes. This would nor be the first time this happened. He was scheduled to appear in the Pilot episode of the remake of "Kolchak: The Night Stalker," simply called "Night Stalker," but was too ill. Still wanting the torch to be passed on, he agreed to using a video sample of the original Kolchak to be digitally placed into one of the scenes.

In 1997, he appeared in another show made by Chris Carter: "Millennium." I want to talk about this episode, "Midnight of the Millennium," which I think is one of the most impressive roles I've seen Mr. McGavin take on. The premise of the series follows Frank Black (Lance Henricksen), an ex-FBI profiler who is taken into the enigmatic "Millennium Group" to help uncover the reason for the rise of unusual crimes. Frank has the uncanny, and disturbing, ability to get into the mind of the killers using empathy. By the second season, this leads to a rift being caused between him and his family.

This leads us to the Christmas episode, "Night of the Millennium." Frank's daughter, Jordan, draws a picture of an angel that looks exactly like the one Frank's mother drew before her death. This, added to his wife and child being separated from him, and trying to find the perfect gift for his daughter, leads Frank on a soul searching journey through his memories. At one point, he comes across a man who tells him this: "Tonight is the Night of the Millennium. At midnight, the souls of those about to die in the coming year will be seen going to mass."

Frank eventually goes to his old home, where his father (Mr. McGavin) lives. Frank make a b-line to his mother's old room, and sees that it's covered in pictures of angels. As he comes back to his father, he sees his father in tears. I may not be able to quote all of this, but what his father says is powerful, especially when taking his next actions into account. [Paraphrased]"She kissed me on the forehead before she went in that room, Frank. After she drew you that angel? We both knew what was going to happen, and she had... accepted it. She welcomed it, even. She told me that she would move that angel (points to the angel statue on the table) after she died. I've been waiting for forty years, and that angel still hasn't moved."

Before he leaves, Frank gives his father a picture of Jordan. Overwhelmed with joy, his father tells Frank to give the angel statue to Jordan, which causes this to happen:

Frank: But... it hasn't moved.
Mr. Black: Oh yes... yes it has. As far as I'm concerned, it has.

At the end of the episode, Frank and Jordan leave the church when the sound of a bell causes them to turn. Jordan asks Frank who one of the spirits she saw was. Frank turns, and sees his father, smiling at them. The next episode, you find out that Frank's father died on Christmas day.

While the episode seems sad, it is more than that. It showed Frank reuniting with his estranged father, and allowed him to say goodbye to both him and his mother. It was also one of the only episodes where Frank didn't have a murder to solve. It also showed that Mr. McGavin could play a kindhearted man who was down on his luck, willing to show vulnerability, and then acceptance. I keep going back to him saying the angel didn't move, then changing his mind after he sees Jordan. It's as if he realized that the statue didn't need to move, but his wife's soul did.

Mr. McGavin sadly passed away on February 25th, 2006 at the age of 83. But, he has left several things to remember him by, whether it's Kolchak, or the father from The Christmas Story. For me, it was his portrayal of Frank Black's father, a man whose life changes in one night for the worst, then changed again for a more joyous, reflective experience right before his character died. If this was his last role, it would've been a perfect sendoff to a good actor, and a good man. Thank you, Mr. McGavin, for giving us a variety of defining characters for a genre who rarely has good, well developed human characters.

For now, this is the Window Keeper, wishing you all a happy holidays, a happy new year, and to keep you're eyes to the sky. I'll see you next year with a true doozy.

Horrid Horror Movie Intermission: Top 5 Upcoming Movies, Movies I Won't Do and Favorite Horrid Horror Movies

I have somehow built a life off of watching bad horror movies and potentially warning people about them. Hopefully, along the way, I made some people laugh as well. That's why I want to share some of my favorite movies I reviewed, and share some of the ones I'm excited about and some I will never do. To start on a positive note, let's start with my Five Favorite.

5: Cthulhu

No, I didn't like Cthulhu, but it still made this list, mainly on principle that I remember so damned much of it. It may have to do with the fact that it's a Cthulhu movie for gay people, which Lovecraft may either applaud or raise from the dead to murder people if he knew it existed. There's also the ridiculousness of, well, the whole movie. Russ' overdone lisp, Tori Spelling and her husband that looked like Howdy Doody, and, of course, "Ask anyone in the town. They'll tell you that you're getting a ride from the most rampant homosexual in Rivermouth." I still to this day cannot tell if this movie was pro or anti gay. You'd think since it was produced by a gay/lesbian production company, it would pro gay, but it made Elton John look subtle. Of course, to top is off, there's Magic Cat, the cat that appears, gets nuzzled for ten minutes straight, then disappears from whence it came. It would've felt adlibbed if it wasn't so bizarre that it felt like an outtake that made the final cut.

4: Dark Ride

It sounds like a bad joke: Meadow Soprano, a movie fanatic, their friends, and retarded Albert Wesker go to an abandoned theme park and dance with little boy statues, then get killed. Maybe that's why I can't take this movie seriously. It also may have to do with the fact that everything about this movie screams "What the hell?" Wesker's constant gaping steals the show, along with the classic slur of, "What you think I'm only good for shlisz I don think shlzlo!" Or, even, "Get fucked! And stay fucked for a while!" I still have no idea who wrote that, much less whether or not I want to shake their hand or punch them in the dick.

3: Terror Toons

This movie is infamous among Indie Horror Directors because of... well... everything. They cast a pornstar as a little girl, a drag queen for a mother, and a Will Sasso lookalike as a little boy. It ends with a barrage of fart noises as "Lazy Town's" Stephanie kills every one of the villains. Too make matters, the villains are two guys in costumes, one a purple gorilla named "Max Assassin" and the other, "Dr. Carnage" who looks like a goblin in a lab coat, and gay Satan. And it's introduced by the genetic mutant clone of Pinhead in front of Warhead mascots and Wal-Mart plates. It's a Twinkie House short of complete mess, yet a guilty pleasure.

2: Carnivore

I still have this movie. It took them 20 years to release the damn thing, and I am probably the only one crazy enough to have liked it. I'm glad I did, too, because it's the most ridiculous "serious" horror movie I've ever seen. Through it's veneer of stupidity, you can tell that the cast had a lot of fun with it, which makes it so bad that it's good. Of course, there's also the main character, barring a door with a door, and the best nonsense line ever: "Semier Spack for you, motherfucker!" Why is it a big deal that I have this movie? Because, I've never met anyone who had kept it after watching.

1: Smash Cut

In short, this line: "I kissed the severed head of my dead sister. I think I need to celebrate with some trauma counseling." 'Nuff said.

Top 5 Movies I Will Not Review

5: Splice

I have gotten this as a request, and I don't know why. First off, it's mainly a Sci-Fi movie. Secondly, well... it's not a bad movie, honestly. It raises a lot of questions concerning science as it's headed now. Sure, it may not be the scariest movie made, but realistically, what am I going to make fun of with it?

4: Saw: Any of Them

This is one series that needs to be made fun of, but with one issue: not all of the movies are terrible. It had an original concept that started a following of imitators, most doing worse jobs than the last few movies. The problem lies in the amount of backstory to get into to make fun of even one of these movies. I'd be writing a book, not a review (and I'm already writing a book). A Saw review book? Now, that's torture!

3: Dreamcatcher

I loved this movie, but I understand why people didn't like it. It was close to the book, but with some big differences, including a nonsensical ending. But, it falls under something of a misnomer, mainly because it's based on a Stephen King book. It isn't horror; it's Science Fiction. There's also the fact that had it not been for this movie, I wouldn't have some of the colorful phrases I use today.

2: The Scream Series

I'd love to review this, except for two reasons. The first: Somehow, between sequel after dreadful sequel, it became apparent that the movies sucked, so Wes Craven claimed that they were Comedy-Horrors all along... despite saying they were meant to be serious. He covered his ass, and I'm paying for it (joke). Secondly: I'd get a shit storm. People, for some reason, think these movies are great. I think they need their heads looked at, but that's just me. Let's just say that I won't be able to give Scream what it deserves: a trip to the sewers.

1: A Serbian Film

What's scarier than monsters? How about the porn industry? No? How about the Serbian porn industry? You know, with the torturing of women and the freshly born baby raping!

No, I'm not making light of this. I seriously think this is how this disgusting, vile, and horrific piece of shit was pitched. What's even worse is that someone actually made this movie. And people watched it. There are critics who like this movie! I ask this... where is your sense of decency?

Finally: Top 5 Movies I'm Looking Forward To

5: Killer Klowns From Outer Space

The title says it all, but leaves some out. Like the ending where you meet the King Clown. The movie is insane, ridiculous, cheesy, yet... it's a classic. Making fun of this movie will be an honor.

4: The Human Centipede 2

For those of you who remember the first one's review, you remember how bizarre it was. Not disgusting (which, on paper, it should have been), but bizarre. I also dared people to read the review with "Trololololol" playing, which made the movie seem even more insane. I even pointed out how the movie was medically impossible, which is something the second movie embraces. They also made it black and white. You know, because that'll make a movie about forcing people to eat shit classy.

3. Leprechaun: In Da Hood

If you think about it, how could I not do this one? It's a leprechaun acting "gangsta." I would be a discredit to movie gripers everywhere if I didn't make fun of this. Of course, after the 50 Cent game review, people may say I have a vendetta against rap. Well, I have more of a vendetta against this series of films... especially this one. And the space one.

2. Resident Evil

All of them will be heading here eventually. I know they're more action based, but that's why I'm doing them. The series stated off scary (in the games) and turned into The Matrix with zombies. There's also the fact that Wesker is allegedly so powerful that he cannot be shot, punched, thrown out of a window, etc. Wesker is the little kid playing action figures, and changing the rules when his favorite toy is taken out of commission. "You hit me with a rocket, but... I absorb the explosion!" The rest of the time, he's twirling his imaginary mustache. He's Kung Pow's Betty, but even more ridiculous.

1. Dahmer vs Gacy

I'm still having a hard time believing this movie exists, but it does. And it looks as if its more bizarre than I thought. Scientists get the brilliant plan of cloning John Wayne Gacy and Jeffery Dahmer. Why? Well, for the military, of course. That and... well... why not? Y'know, other than the fact that they're serial killers. Who's next, Jack the Ripper vs. Ted Bundy?

In Memorium

Jerry Robinson
January 1, 1922, December 7, 2011
He gave us laughs and gave Batman what everyone (real and fictional) needs: a friend.
The Comic Industry is lesser for the loss of one of the greats.
Rest in Peace, Mr. Robinson

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Bloodlust Zombies

I sincerely hope that when our planet manages to be discovered by aliens, they don't know how to watch our DVD's. I cannot imagine how embarrassing it's going to be for us if they do. Sure, they'll get to see documentaries, but how will they know what's real and what's not? I mean, it's not like Greek Mythology where a man flies into the sun, we have some realistic fiction, and special effects. But, worst of all, if they watched Bloodlust Zombies, they'll think we were all inept horndogs with alcoholism.

Continuing with "Porn Horror Month," Bloodlust Zombies stars Alexis Texas, a woman that I'm sure that even the Porn Industry is trying to figure out if she's human or not. I'm not trying to be mean (okay, maybe a little), but... she looks like a homeless woman who discovered make-up and meth at the same time, especially in this movie, where she's always squinting and has bags under her eyes so big that I thought her cheeks were collapsing. I should also note that the term "starring" is a bit of a misnomer here. Despite being the main character in the movie, she's in it for 13 minutes, and half of that is having sex with an old man. At least Sasha Grey stayed clothed in Smash Cut. Hell, she even looked, and acted, like she was breathing. Without further ado, I bring you Bloodlust Zombies.

We start the movie with scientists working on the chemical compound to turn people into zombies. They evaporate it, and feed it to two cats, causing one to attack the other. The second cat explodes, bringing us to the credits. After the credits, we meet Bobby Lee, the head of company doing the chemical testing. He tells his boss that the compound has a 83% success rate, then hands it off to Janice, an older woman who tells the TV the exact same thing. She and the TV take turns insulting Bobby Lee, to which he has the constant witty retort of "Hey, Now!" Imagine him in a fight.

Guy: You old grave robbing bitch!
Bobby Lee: Hey now!
Guy: I'm going to slice your throat!
Bobby Lee: Hey now!
Guy: Then cut your balls off!
Bobby Lee: ... Hey now.

After the meeting, Alexis Texas' character, Andrea, comes in with two wine bottles and glasses. She places the two glasses down, and two more magically appear. Then, two more appear. Either this is bad directing, or she spent extra cash on the amoeba glasses. If it's the latter, I want them... now! They eventually leave the meeting, the head scientist going to the lab, Douche and Secretary going to the office, Janice going to her office, and Bobby Lee and Andrea go to his office to have sex. At one point, he tells her not to call him "daddy" because it makes him sound old. She then tells him to say "All aboard," which he says make it seem like a gang bang. As they switch positions, they accidentally hit the "Intercom" button on the phone, which causes everyone in the building to hear them. They have the logical reaction of... laughing?

They laugh at the boss bumping uglies with his secretary? I'm sure that it'll stop once she gets promoted to Vice President, but, still, doesn't anyone find this uncomfortable? Well, no, because this is a regular thing, as Secretary tells Douche. Douche tries to picture it, but she hits him.

Meanwhile, the scientists are arguing whether wine gets cold or warm in a room temperature setting. They made a zombie cat, and this is what they argue over? When Andrea and Bobby Lee are heard doing the Right Angle Macarena, one of the scientists knocks over the vials with the compound. Luckily, none of the ones with the compound broke. Then, this bit of dialogue happens:

Scientist 1: I love you, man! In a hetero way.
Scientist 2: Right. Football... Sports!

What... the... fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? This was prompted by absolutely nothing, no build up, just random gay joke. Thankfully, the zombie cat is not pleased, and attacks the female scientist (the third one). Thankfully, the alarm was pressed during the spill so it doesn't need to pushed again. Too bad Zombie Scientist 3 attacks the other two!

Bobby Lee goes to activate the reboot for the building, while Andrea seemingly spends half of the movie getting dressed. Janice, after moping about her dead Army husband, realizes that Bobby Lee is taking too long to reboot the building, and grabs a gun. She stops by Douche and Secretary's office, and tells them to stay. Secretary gets up, and goes to Bobby Lee's office to grab his revolvers that he uses for his cowboy role playing. Let's stop and think about this for a moment, as Douche points out that the guns are fake. Secretary honestly thought that Bobby Lee would role play with actual loaded guns. Not only did she think that, but keep in mind that this is supposedly a government run building, complete with security. How in the hell would Bobby Lee get guns inside the building, much less for the purpose of playing an assless chaps wearing cowboy? Live with that image. I know I have to.

Let's talk about the security guys for a second. One of them sits on his ass through most of the movie, while the other one is killed by a zombie by getting bit on the neck. He bleeds out, yet his face manages to stay red. The other security guard, who is also the movie's director, sits in the office most of the time.

Douche starts to leave his office, yet Secretary tells him Janice told them to stay. Despite her leaving not five minutes ago. Then again, she did think that Bobby Lee used real revolvers in sex play. She follows Douche, but is attacked by a zombie. Douche easily kills the zombie with a test tube. He then finds the dead security guard, takes his gun and money, then shoots a zombie in the shoulder. The zombie jumps in front of the blood spatter, with a bullet wound in her head, then falls over dead. Is the budget for this movie so cheap that they couldn't re-shoot that scene?

We finally get to the one interesting character of the movie: Fat Deborah Morgan in a Leg Cast! No, that's not an exclamation, that's how I'm describing her. She knocks on the security door, yelling at the guard to let her in. After arguing for a few minutes, he lets her in. She finds out that he's going to lock them both inside, so they're safe. She calls him a pussy, pulls out a gun, and goes out, screaming obscenities at the zombies, and randomly shooting down the hallway. Fuck me twice on Sunday, she's the best character in the movie. How much do you want to bet she dies?

Janice finds Andrea in an unfinished storage closet, and tells her that she can do better than living off of sex with Bobby Lee. Thankfully, she isn't suggesting having sex with Ron Jeremy, she means that Andrea is smart and has valuable assets. Yes, and if you follow this movie's logic, we've seen them, and probably will again. Douche walks in and imagines that Andrea and Janice are making out. They hit him upside the head, and Douche and Janice leave Andrea in the closet. They argue about Janice having a gun when the weirdness continues. He starts to say that the place is guarded like Fort Knox, but they walk in an elevator, stay silent, then continue as they walk out. This is meant to be funny, I think...

Douche splits up from Janice and gets in a fire fight with Fat Deb. After they realize they aren't zombies, they decide to flirt, and show each other pictures of what the other looks like. Douche ruins this by taking a picture of Mini-Douche. Fat Deb gets up, and as Douche says he's in love, she gets attacked by a zombie, and dies. I knew it, she was too awesome to live.

Douche runs into a lab where he finds a topless female zombie. He has an angel in scrubs and a devil in biker shorts telling him to either kill her or have sex with her. He decides to have zombie sex, only to get his ear ripped off. Wait a second... isn't this the locker room seen in Doom, where the pervert finds a naked woman with her arm ripped off, and decides to rape her, only to find out she's a zombie. How sad is it that they referenced a better movie, and that movie's best part is the Rock saying, "Semper Fi, Motherfucker!" Douche kills her, and another one shows up. He kills her, too, and tries to reattach his ear. Failing this, he takes off his shirt, and wads it up into his ear hole. Meanwhile, Janice kills the same zombies Douche killed earlier, only to get bitten.

Andrea decides to leave the closet, and is chased into another closet, cutting the zombie's hand off with the door. She grabs an ax, and goes to the rebooting room, only to find that Bobby Lee is a zombie. She feebly bludgeons him with the ax (seriously, throwing a feather at him would hurt him more), and reboots the building, covered in blood. Meanwhile, security guy gets off his ass, loads himself up with weapons, and gets attacked by a zombie and dies.

Andrea goes to the kitchenette, and strips to clean the blood off of her.She then takes her bra off (told you we'd see her "assets" again) and puts on a Hazmat suit. Of course they stored those in the kitchen. You know, in case the microwave spawns a mutant chicken pot pie. Figuring they're next to the fridge, the door may buy people some time to get dressed. Why she needed to take her bra off and rub her nipples, though... topless pornstars that look like their eye sockets grew and are covered in blood are... sexy? Anyway, to end this shitstorm of a movie, she walks up to aa zombie, cuts its head off and leaves. Janice sits in her office and cries, and Douche gets attacked by the zombie cat. Heh heh... Movie used zombie pussy attack on Douche. It was super effective.

This is by far the worst movie I've ever had to review. I usually skip over things that I don't find important in these reviews as to save time for both me and you readers. Notice that I didn't mention the plot of this movie? Yes, it actually has one, but it's so inconsequential, that it doesn't matter. There's no shortage of random "What the Fuck" moments that I skipped over, too. I seriously cannot think of a worse to torture anyone than to make them watch this movie. Everyone who worked on this movie needs to be locked up in dark room, forever.

One more movie, and Porn Horror is done. And it's... an alien movie? Oh sweet mother... we're fucked. For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to avoid probes.