Double Movie Review and Updates

First thing to get off my chest: Two A's and a B in my first quarter of WSU. I'm off to a good start!

Second, thing: I watched Metropia with my girlfriend (Lizzy) and a few of my other friends. I kept reading how "revolutionary" it was. I think by "revolutionary," they actually mean "shitty". First off, the movie is animated with edited photos that make "real" people look like Anime characters. Now, the movie's budget is 32 million, according to IMDB. I'm calling bullshit, and here's why. To Photoshop one picture like they did for all of the characters, it costs $5000. Multiply that by sixteen for mouth and eye movements, add 100,000 for photo-manipulation of each different pose and animation , then multiply by 60 for total screen time in minutes, then, finally, multiply by 10 for each of the main characters. That's 108 million, not including voice actors. It would actually be cheaper, and better looking, to make it a live action movie.

Maybe then, they would put some time into the most important part of the movie: the script. I cannot tell you with a straight face what this movie is about. A man hears voices and gets help from a supermodel to get to the bottom of it. That isn't the reason why I can't keep a straight face, though. The reason is because during the movie, I had no clue of what was going on because nothing is ever explained! I still have no idea why the bad guy was bad, and what was going on. It isn't because it was a mind bending "Sci-Fi" film, it was because the writers tried to keep everything a mystery by never addressing simple questions, you know, like, "What the flying monkey-fuck is going on?"

I think towards the end of the movie, the writers left in the middle of writing process. I'm not joking, this is an actual scene:

Ivan Bahn (the "Bad Guy...?"): What are you doing here? (grabs Roger)

Roger (Our.. hero... I think): Don't fucking touch me! (Bahn lets him go. Roger grabs a fishbowl and casually walks out of the room).

Ivan Bahn: (Waits 30 seconds, then looks around, and then confused)Why'd we let him go? (angry) GO AFTER HIM!

After watching that part alone, I couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't only out of place, the only appropriate place for that kind of writing is a "Sea Lab 2021" episode. In fact, I'm sure they did that in an episode... or 12.

Today, Lizzy and I went to see Faster. I didn't exactly have high hopes for this one, but I needed an action movie to get my mind off of a few things. Faster isn't an action movie. I know, I know, I was shocked, too, when I saw that the Rock wasn't in a Family movie, and that Faster wasn't actually an action movie. It couldn't be, because its both boring and unintentionally funny. First of all, the characters names: "Driver" (okay), "Cop" (really?), and "Killer" (you aren't even trying to be clever, are you?). ""Killer," the hired assassin sent to kill "Driver" is insane, and ultimately shouldn't exist because he doesn't get killed, instead, he's sent away with his tail between his legs by the dumbass who hired him.

Oh, Billy Bob Thorton plays "Cop," whose real name is, brace yourself, "Slade Murphies." "Slade," as in "Evil Roy Slade" or "DC's Deathstroke, Slade" and "Murphies" as in Robocop's "Murphy." You know what would've been a more serious name? "Splint Chesthair, Roll Fizzlebeef, Rock Slamfist, Slab Rockgroin," or even "Big McLargehuge." You know, anything that the cast of MST3K named Reb Brown in "Space Mutiny."

Again, the writing demon strikes. This was meant for TV, I think, because there is no excuse for lines like, "Oh, C.R.A.S.H? Cops that go in with guns blazing and porno staches?" How about the fact that so many characters that are introduced had absolutely nothing to do with the story ("Killer" being the biggest one), yet got high tier billing. While some of them had nothing to do with the plot, at least this movie had a plot, unlike Metropia. Though, I'm not convinced... I think Faster was either a movie that occasionally forgot it had a plot, but it might have been a movie that occasionally forgot that it didn't have a plot, and one snuck in.

Finally, some news: I am still writing the scripts for "Muzzle," but it's proving very arduous, and for very good reasons. Firstly, I'm trying to get a good timeline of events, but my life has changed so much and so fast that it's very difficult. I'm trying to figure out a smooth transition from "Wounded" to the story where I meet Lizzy, because my depression as well as the depression that another character goes through, is a big story event over the course of the series.

The other reason as to why it's hard is because of what the first storyline is about. See, one of the characters in the first chapter is, to put it relatively "nice" (though it's still not the right word), sexually assaulted. The person who went through this is a very close friend of mine, and is helping me write the chapters the revolve around this. The tricks are that I'm trying to handle this with as much comfort and care as humanly possible, while addressing that I'm not doing this as a trope, but as part of the overall story, and that it's incredibly painful to write.

Okay, so I've written stories where a man has his skin forms tentacles from his flesh, where a woman dreams of being eaten alive, wakes up to find that her doctor was her killer in the dream and kills herself, and made characters that are purely evil, with no good in them whatsoever. But, those are fictional stories, and while this one is a fictionalized version of my life, it's hard to write about this because, while it is fictionalized, it's based on a true and horrifying event in my friend's life. I'm trying to portray how she's reacted to this, but at the same time, show that this didn't happen because she was "weak" or "too independent." In short, I'm trying to get as close to the real motive (which, I warn you all, is incredibly disturbing), with out even hinting that this was thrown in for no reason other than publicity.

At the same time, I'm trying to make the comic both drama and comedy all at once. The first chapter, while mainly serious, does have some humorous moments in it, but not so much as to make light of the situation. In fact, the humor is kind of dry to show that it's more or less to relax us.

I'm also doing pin-ups of my more "serious" comic characters, i.e. not "Muzzle." My pin-up for "Sin" from "Goria" is done in line art form, and I'm working on coloring it. I'm going to start drawing the following:

1: Gomorrah (Goria)

2: Mina Ross (Goria)

3: Taylor Murdoch (Shade)

4: Mystery (Goria)

5: Vomir (Goria) (...Now, that's going to be tricky...)

6: Fay LeCroix (I Am Nothing)

7: The Terror Twins (Goria)

8: Li Chan (Shade)

For now, this is me getting ready to watch Shutter Island with Lizzy. I'll see a good movie, yet!

Jason Who?: The Splatterhouse Review

There's a point in this game where after you shove monsters onto "butt-plugs" attached to chairs that go into an incinerator, your mask comments, "You see, this is the kind of shit that got us an 'M' rating." In any other game that was meant to be scary, this would come off as cheesy, almost like "Jill Sandwich," or "Master of Unlocking," or even "Don't open. THAT DOOR!" Funny how those all come from Resident Evil... But, somehow, Splatterhouse is different. It doesn't try to be serious horror, it doesn't even try to be scary for the most part. It tries to be mindless, bloody action.

You know they succeeded when the title screen pops up, a squirming zombie that Rick punches so hard that he explodes into bloody chunks. Those bloody chunks are the menu. And, that doesn't even begin to describe the bloody violence that's in this game. It's incomparable to even an "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoon. The violence is over the top, and the writing is disturbingly crude. And yet... the game is one of the most amazing action games I've played in a long, long time.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is a great game due to it's serious writing, amazing graphics, beautiful soundtrack, and mostly phenomenal game play (I've had some control issues with the game, but I still loved it). Splatterhouse is great for different reasons. The writing is not serious at all, the graphics are great in a comic way, and the soundtrack is mostly purely heavy metal. Castlevania is the Pan's Labyrinth of video games, with its classy story and presentation. Splatterhouse is the Dead-Alive of video games with its decadent violence and writing. Both are extremely worth the price of admission in there own rights.

What's tricky about Splatterhouse is that it never seems to know when to draw the line. The "Splatter Kills" offers you a chance to see some gruesome monster deaths, whether it's ripping arms off or pulling the lungs out of a gaping hole that used to have a head on it. The violence, while over the top, is both sickening and funny at the same time. The Mask's commentary is rude, disturbing, and sometimes a little upsetting ("Oh, Dr. West, it's so BIG," while imitating Rick's girlfriend, Jennifer), but usually very funny. It adds spice to the "Save the girlfriend" plot while making fun of itself. But, where it does get a little carried away is with the collectable pictures that Jennifer leaves for you to follow her trail. Why is she carrying naked pictures of herself, and with as much gore and violence there is in the game, the nudity seems a little too forced.

The story, though, is written very well. It flows soothly from level to level, and despite its humor, does have some scary parts. The first time you meet one of the bosses (a rehash of one from the original game), you're left with a feeling of both dread and nostalgia. As far as remakes go, Splatterhouse isn't a remake so much as it is a tribute to the original games.

This shows in the level design, as well. Not all of the levels have boss battles, instead opting for a massive battle in the end of certain levels. But, where the level design stands out with the occasional side-scrolling sections of the level. They're done to feel like the original game's levels, but even have covers of the original games' music tracks. They sneak in sometimes in the non-side-scrolling parts as well.

Presentation is done very well and with style. You barely notice the cell shading due to the frantic nature of the game's combat system. The sound is eerie and the voice acting, especially Jim "I was once attached to a dog" Cummings as the mask. I love Jim Cummings's voice work, and this is no exception. The team could've hired Mark Hammil to use his Joker voice for the Mask, and it would've felt incomplete. Cummings brings the Mask to life.

The most important thing in this is the game play. Compared to this team's last game Afro Samurai, they learned there lessons. You can control the camera, but the set camera never acts against you. Combat is smooth and ferocious, unlike God of War's and Dante's Inferno's combat where you'll always get countered when you can't help but stop fighting. While the "Splatter Kills" arguably pull you out of the game, it never punishes you for using them, often pausing the combat so you can get back into the fray. Even the platforming (which, I think, outshines Lords of Shadow due to the camera work) feels natural. If you die in this game (and you will... a lot), you can count on the fact that it's because of the right reasons. How's this for a kicker: Even after dying, the game is so fun that you don't mind doing that part over again?

What we have with Splatterhouse is a properly done remake. It's done with respect to the original game (and includes all three of the originals on disc) to the point that it isn't a remake; it's a modern homage to the original. It's at the right difficulty, but its consistently hard, and always fun. Namco, if any of you guys read this, know this: after Afro Samurai, I was worried when you started doing this game. After playing it, I am very pleased. Splatterhouse may be the best action game we've had in a long time.

Over all: A

+ Extremely fun to play

+ Comes with the classics

+ Awesome presentation and sound

+ An Homage to the Originals

+ Difficult but fair

+ Decadent

-/+ Really? Naked photos?

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Feed

WARNING: LIVE WITH OUT WARNING!

Oh, yeah... WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SOME OF THE MOST DISTURBING IMAGES I HAVE SEEN WHILE REVIEWING HORROR MOVIES. THESE INCLUDE A MAN WITH AN INFECTED, OOZING WOUND FULL OF AN ALIEN SUBSTANCE, AND A MAN DANCING TO "ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI" WITH A MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

ALSO, TO SOFTEN THE BLOW, I AM WRITING UNDER A CLEVER GUISE...

***

Just so you know, I am very, very sick. I've been fighting what must be a mutant flu virus this week. I feel miserable, but I can take solace in the fact that people are willing to help me set aside this misery by sending me horror movies that will make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, and bad horror movies are the best way to induce laughter. What's that? Today's movie is what?

Oh, no... Please... Anything but-- I can't even keep crackers down, and you want me to review Feed? Excuse me for a minute...

We start the movie with a man driving to a fast food joint while another drives to a house. Our first guy, Michael, brings the food back to a woman wearing the Fat Bastard body suit, strips naked, and feeds her burger after burger. Our second guy, Phillip, reaches a house in Germany, where he argues with his boss about helping the German police raid the house. Ultimately, Phillip goes into the house, and finds a penis in a frying pan. Don't panic, this isn't a sequel to Teeth. I know this, because the "penis" is literally just a sausage with a divot cut out of it so it loosely resembles a penis. After being scared by a random German cop who makes weird faces at him, he goes to the bathroom where he finds a man feeding another man in a bath tub. What is he feeding the man? Why, himself, of course. After Phillip vomits, he arrests him, and goes back to Australia.

In Australia, he gets in an argument with his girlfriend over a new piercing she got while he was away. I'll give you a hint, it's the kind that isn't work safe to show, if you know what I mean. She comforts him by saying that while she's "fucked four men and two women" while he was gone, she's still here for him. I'm hoping she's supposed to be a porn star, because that's the only way this makes any semblance of sense. We never do find out, though. While a sex scene ensue, we also see Michael feeding Deirdre even more fattening food.

Phillip has a nightmare in his office and goes to wash his face. He then talks to his boss in the bathroom, on a roof, and then on a balcony. Seriously, they finish a sentence, and the scenery changes as if they teleported there.(I'm in my living room): I'm not kidding. (I'm outside of a baseball stadium): It's done that poorly. (I'm in a pet shop): It's like the director never heard of continuity. Him and his partner start scouring porn sites, hoping to find criminal activity. Phillip finds Michael's website, and is horrified that these women are willfully eating to obesity.

And there, we have the first thing wrong with this movie. Phillip seems to have an irrational hatred of people eating. It's supposed to be because of the cannibal from the first case, but the way the movie is done, it seems like he just hates eating. To further prove this, the first sex scene starts when his girlfriend sits on his face, and he throws her to the floor. Our next one starts as she starts eating ice cream while bumping up against his head, saying "feed me" while watching him try to crack Michael's website in order to catch him doing something wrong. Once he starts to get it on with her... he throws her on the floor, which upsets her, obviously. Of course, to make it up to her, they do it, and we also see Michael feeding Dierdre ice cream, and... let's just say that he put his own special marshmallow topping on it.

Phillip wakes up and finds the word "PIG" written on his chest, and that his girlfriend left him. In order to get his mind off of her, he requests to go to Toledo, OH, where the website is made, in order to arrest the website's producer. What's the crime, feeding people? Yes, actually. Without any proof whatsoever, Phillip is convinced that the women are being fed to death. His boss forbids him to go, going so far as to suspend him for a month. Which of these do you think he'll do?

A: Drop it and try to get his girl back.

B: Quit and find another job.

C: Go to Toledo anyway and find Michael.

Most people would do "A" or "B." Phillip, being an insane moron, does "C." Let's review, here: Our sympathetic main character has an irrational hatred of people eating, throws his girlfriend on the floor constantly, and is so obsessed with stopping people from eating that he travels around the world, with no proof of any real crime, to stop it. Our hero is a psychopath, plain and simple... and we're supposed to be rooting for him at this point.

Anyway, his partner finds that the IP address leads to an abandoned house, where Phillip only finds Michael's prayer book. He goes to The First Church of God's priest, and interrogates him about Michael. Get ready for this one, because barring the fact that there must be at least thousands of "First Church of God" establishments and Phillip just happened to find the right priest for the right one on the first try, see if you can keep up with what Michael is supposed to be. Michael, at a young age, was raised by a morbidly obese mother. He was also lusting after his mother up until she died. Michael is masturbating to his dead, fat mother when the priest finds and adopts him, but he believes that Michael is a sociopath. This goes against the whole "Oedipus Complex" thing that the writers were going for. See, sociopaths don't form true lasting relationships, having either very little or no feelings for people whatsoever. That being said, while lusting for his mother is creepy, most people who believe in the Oedipus theory will find that the child doesn't act on it due to fear of castration. Sociopaths run on impulse and damn the consequences.

Also, if Michael is supposed to be pure Id, why is he acting in a slow manner? The Id demands instant, immediate gratification, yet Michael is doing something that will take years to do. This includes planning, going against the anti-social thing again. All in all, Michael is summed up as a Freudian Sociopath... which does not and, more than likely, cannot exist.

Anyway, Phillip meets Michael's sister, who asks where he's from. He says Sydney, Australia, and she asks, "Isn't that close to Japan?" If you couldn't tell, this movie paints Americans as fat idiots. In speaking of fat, this woman's supposed to be fat... but she isn't. It's not very convincing when she invites Phillip to Burger King. Next scene, Phillip breaks into Michael's house, but can't activate the website's files. He sees an Asian woman, who panics when she sees him. He runs out and has a long winded, yet, boring confrontation with Michael. Phillip runs off like Napoleon Dynamite. Minutes later, Phillip breaks into a house, finds a bag of dead raccoons (that look like owl pellets), and Michael. Michael called the cops, and Phillip runs away like Napoleon Dynamite. No, that isn't a typo, the movie is that redundant. In speaking of redundant, the set for Michael's house is exactly the same as the house in Germany in the beginning of the movie, decor and all.

The next day, Phillip is woke up by Michael-- WHAT?! Seriously, Michael brought Phillip breakfast. After warning him to stay away, Michael brings the creepy cop out of his jurisdiction, who may or may not be armed, breakfast, and they have a casual talk about how women are too thin. Disturbingly enough, I think Michael's right. Women are supposed to have curves, yet beauty has been defined as of late by women with no figures, long hair, and clothes. Our "beautiful" women today don't have child-rearing hips that men find attractive, they look like boys. At this point, I was thinking that Michael, while insane, had a point. That point was ruined when he drugged Phillip, and started imitating Gordon Gecko's "Greed is good" speech that cause Phillip to flash back to him raping his girlfriend. This is doubly stupid since there is absolutely no build up to that conclusion, seeing as that she comes on to him, and during the sex scenes, we're not lead to believe that she was being raped. It seriously comes out of nowhere. After Phillip passes out, Michael injects Phillip's stomach with a syringe full of fat. The fat from the previous victim of Michael's "plan," no less. Phillip comes to, and cuts the newly formed fat pocket-- excuse me...

*vomit* Anyway, where was I? Oh, fat pouring out of Phillip's gaping... wound...

*vomit* Seriously movie, what the frying fuck is wrong with you? No one needs to see that, ever. God... I'll never eat Custard Donuts again.

Needless to say, Phillip is pissed. He buys a gun, goes to Michael's house, shows his wife the site (and somehow proves that the last woman died), and kidnaps her while he drives to Michael's mother's farm house. He lives Sexy Asian Wife tied up, and slowly walks into the farm house, even tripping into a pile of bags of fat and "Lucy's body" that's being eaten by rats. While this is going on, Michael is trying to persuade Deirdre into eating pure fat (Lucy's fat, if you haven't guessed) so she can die... or weigh over 1000 lbs. Deirdre has such inspirational ambitions... To get Deirdre to relax, Michael starts dancing on her bed to "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" on her bed. Anything potentially frightening has just been destroyed by the image of Matthew McConaughey's even more retarded and repulsive looking twin dancing for a woman who can't move.

Phillip finds this, and instead of laughing, decides to threaten Michael. Michael jumps off of a balcony, lands on his feet, and runs. He fell two stories, and he's not even hurt? What is he, a superhero? Well, figuring that while the chase is going on, he disappears twice from Phillip's view, he might be. Phillip finds Michael's invalid father, who contributes nothing but confusion to the story. As the chase continues, Michael climbs on top if a refrigerator, and knocks Phillip into a boiling pot of fat, then onto Lucy's fat bags.

Phillip comes to, and finds himself in Deirdre's room. Michael threatens Phillip with the gun, and goes so far as to scare Deirdre after admitting he killed his mother. Michael apologizes to her, then tries to suffocate her. While doing this, Phillip reaches for the gun. After fighting over it, Phillip wins, and points the gun at Michael. Deirdre cusses at Phillip, even after Michael tried to kill her, what, four times now, and Phillip gets so fed up that he shoots her. The scene fades to black, and we hear two gunshots.

Phillip is now living with Michael's sister, and goes to the farmhouse, where Deirdre's body is still rotting. He sits on the balcony, facing a now starved Michael, who begs for Phillip to feed him. The end of the regular movie. The alternate ending is the same, except Phillip's boss comes out and shoots him.

Why does this movie exist? It's disgusting, and offensive. The hero is an antisocial rapist/murderer, and the script and direction go everywhere at once, to the point that the narrative doesn't make a single lick of sense. I'm hoping to God that this is the last movie like this I have to review... especially since Netflix keeps suggesting I watch Salo, now.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to try to keep down the last of my lunch.

I never should've eaten at Michael's Burgers and Wings...

Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Return of HHMR

It's been a while since I did one of these, so as a joke, I suggested to some friends that I do this one as a return edition of the HHMR. My full intention was actually going to be Terror Toons 2, the sequel to the movie that singlehandedly broke my brain. Instead, I did this... a movie that is glorified and reviled at the same time. This movie is considered both a cult classic and a disgusting joke. I've heard that it makes Dead-Alive look like a Disney movie. I find that hard to believe, what with the lawn mower and the "rebirth" scene. Surely, this couldn't be better than Dead-Alive's most iconic line, either. So, ladies and gents, put on your shit-eating grins as I rip this movie a new asshole! What movie is it?

Why it's one so reviling and disturbing that only those who have stomachs of pure lead and the personality of pure awesome should watch it. You know the type: Chuck Norris, Isaiah Mustafah, Bruce Campbell, umm... this guy (here's a dare, read the rest of this review with this song playing). Or so I was told before I rented this piece of shit from Netflix. So, what vile, stinking mass of left over waste that the Angry Video Game Nerd left on Bugs Bunny, that isn't fit for consumption for the hungriest of sewer rats could this movie be? What terrible mass of digested food down the toilet pipe of Hollywood is it?

The Human Centipede. Oh, sweet merciful crap... I now feel bad for all of those fecal puns. Anyway, on with the review...

We begin the movie with a trucker taking a shit in the middle of a field. You know the movie's going to be good, now, don't you? Dr. Heiter, our mad scientist, takes time away from looking at a Photoshopped picture of three dogs "attached" to each other, mouth-to-ass, to step out of his car with a rifle "hidden" under is labcoat (by hidden, I mean "barrel sticking out from his shoulder"), and shoots the trucker. We then meet Jenny and Lindsay, who have, I'm thinking, half of a brain cell between the two of them. They get lost on the way to a club called "Bunker," even after asking for directions. Wouldn't you know it, the two get a flat tire, and right after that, a strange, old, German guy starts asking them if they're always horny, because he saw them on a "Horny Video." Jenny realizes that he said "fuck" in German, and they roll up their windows as he waggles his tongue at them, and drives off. This is supposed to be scary, but it's about as horrifying as this image, and as about as much to do with this movie, too.

After Hans the Horndog drives off, the two decide to walk for help, finding a house in the woods. Dr. Heiter lets them in, and of course, drugs them. They wake up to find themselves strapped to hospital beds, and Heiter killing the trucker because he isn't a match for the girls. Heiter then goes and grabs a Japanese tourist, and explains the procedure of what he's going to do.

1: Cut the tendons of the knees, so they can't extend their knees. Um... why? How, exactly, do you expect them to be able to move without feeling pain?

2: Pulling the teeth out of the two girl's mouths.

3: Cutting the lips and a circle around the anus, as well as part of the skin on the jaw to sew onto the ass of the person in front of them, creating a chin rest.

4: Sewing the people onto each other.

As he preps them for surgery, Lindsay tries to escape by hiding in Heiter's bedroom. This doesn't work as Heiter bashes the window open with the barrel of his rifle. Not the, broad, wooden butt of the rifle, but the narrow barrel that repeatedly bounces off of the glass. He does break the window, but Lindsay runs off into his swimming pool, managing to fall in it. Heiter decides to trap her by closing the pool cover, but the power goes out... for some reason. I honestly think that it was an outtake, and they decided to roll with it. Lindsay goes back to the lab, grabs Jenny, and tries to escape through the broken window, while dragging Jenny up stairs and through broken glass. Jenny isn't the cow from Me, Myself, and Irene. I doubt she survived, especially after Heiter shoots Lindsay, causing her to drop Jenny.

Heiter works on the centipede and sees it's a success as he starts taking pictures of them as the parts wake up. Dear Lord, is it comical. Imagine, if you will, a picture of a guy with his face pressed up to a fat person's belly. That's exactly what this looks like. When they try to move in unison, that's when you can tell that they aren't connected, and that's why there are bandages around their heads. You know, to keep one segment from wandering off the set out of the stupidity of this script.

As the days go on, Heiter tries to teach his new pet tricks like getting the newspaper. When the centipede fails, he stands over them, and walks while straddling them, but not sitting on them. The Japanese guy, one night, decides to "bite" Heiter's ankle, leaving a circular hole like stabbing someone with a pencil, not a bite mark. Heiter kicks him, and the next day has boots so he can't be bitten. He tells the Japanese man to bite him now, then tries to imitate a chicken. I'm getting sick of the Tommy Wiseau jokes that the "That Guy With The Glasses" crowd is doing, but it can't be avoided here. Heiter's chicken impression is actually worse than this: Tommy Wiseau imitating a chicken.

During this, The Japanese guy realizes that he has to drop a deuce... into Lindsay's mouth. This is where I call, no pun intended, bullshit. This movie is "100% Medically Accurate." By that, they mean an actual surgeon designed how the centipede will work. Apparently, they forgot all about Sepsis, Hepatitis B, dysentery, and about every other disease you can get through eating shit. On top of that, how are the people behind the first segment even getting nutrients? They have bandages on their arms hinting at an IV, but they're never shown attached to one beyond when they woke up. Realistically, they probably wouldn't be able to move due to the pain of walking one knee caps that aren't held into place (which I know about due to having a bad knee with loose tendons) as well as malnutrition. Taken into consideration that this is the first time Lindsay has eaten while attached to the guy, she probably isn't in any condition to walk, period.

Obviously, though, Heiter, is enjoying watching Lindsay eat shit. Hmmm... he must be a politician. Anyway, as the days go by, Heiter decides to swim naked while the centipede walks around. Heiter says he's please, then starts whipping them mercilessly... for some reason. He does a check up and finds that Jenny is suffering blood poisoning, and Lindsay is constipated. He decides that Jenny should be killed, but two prying police officers distract him. As he tries to drug the two meddling cops, the centipede plans it's escape. Japanese guy grabs a scalpel and crawls off with the women in tow. Heiter, after being caught trying to drug the two cops, gets warned that they are getting a warrant. It is at this point that I realize just how dull this movie is. The gross parts are only implied, and badly. So badly, in fact, that the actress how's supposed to have been eating dookie doesn't even respond to "it."

Anyway, Japanese Man (seriously, they never name him) stabs Heiter in the knee and bites his neck. As the centipede attempt to climb the stair case, they see how hard it is as they start to rip apart. Wait a sec... If the centipede can't walk up the staircase with out starting to split, how did Heiter, who is about as thin as Paris Hilton, get them down there. For that matter, how did they get up and down the stairs after they were attached? Is there a ramp we don't know about?

Lindsay guides the head to where she tried to escape, only to find the window is now fixed. Seriously, they've been attached for a week. She didn't think that Heiter would fix his bedroom window? Heiter crawls up after them, and a kneel-off ensues between the head and Heiter. The Japanese Guy grabs a piece of broken glass, explains that he's a douche bag who left his family and his child, and kills himself. The police comeback, and Heiter goes to the pool to deal with them. He stabs one of them in the neck with his scalpel (despite not being able to stand) and takes his gun. The second police officer gets shot, but shoots Heiter in the head, killing them both. Lindsay holds Jenny's hand until Jenny dies from her blood poisoning. Alone and attached to two dead people, Lindsay cries. The End.

I knew going in that this movie was going to be stupid as hell... but here's the trick: I was expecting something that was disgusting. The movie censors itself through its poor execution and bad acting. I did some research on this movie both before and after and found two things of particular interest: 1: There's actually a sequel coming out. 2: There's a porn version, "The Human Sexipede" that was rated better than this movie from critics outside of the porn industry. When a porn parody is better than your movie according to the mainstream media, you failed.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to clean up that mess my new pet... snake made in my labor... kitchen.

Ich Bin Ein Scwartz Operationen: The Call of Duty: Black Ops Review

I'm the last person in the world to jump on the Modern Warfare band wagon. Hell, Call of Duty: World At War was the only game in the series that I enjoyed. What was I to expect with this game, another Medal of Honor themed game in modern times? Or would it be another Modern Warfare game with a fictional plot? The first pleasant surprise I got was this: it takes place in the Vietnam War era, and is an MoH type theme of special operations.

Unfortunately, that's where the story strays. You play mainly as Alex Mason (not Alec Mason from Red Faction: Guerrilla), who flashes back to various missions while being interrogated about numbers whilst in a torture chair. The premise is fairly interesting, if not a little Saw-like, except that it's actually not a terrible game. The problem here is that the story takes what is supposed to be a left turn, but to anyone vigilant, it's blatantly obvious. I do have to give Treyarch credit for making the story different from the usual "shoot everyone you see" war story that we usually see, and for making the premise pretty unique. Unfortunately, sometimes, it just doesn't stick like it should. Other times, it does some pretty stupid things to characters, for very stupid reasons. This mainly applies to the WaW characters. I'm going to be bitter about that for a little while.

As polished as the graphics are in the game, I do have some errors to point out that take you out of the realism. I encountered a bug where my partner kills me instantly, one where a bad guy was stuck inside of a rock until I killed him, and, my personal favorite, going through a level, killing everyone, and then playing through the same part, except the dead bodies are standing and doing nothing. These can be fixed through patches, and mostly aren't big issues, but that last one... phew. How do you not notice that in play testing?

Other than that, the game does look and play very good. It took me a while to get used to the controls, namely because I like using the trigger buttons to shoot, but I can't say that they never worked right. They are very intuitive, even in the quick time events. Actually, in the QTE's they're a little too intuitive. I don't think I failed a QTE even if I waited to press a button. I could really give hell about this, but those instances are so few and far between that it really makes no difference. The difficulty is hard enough as it is without QTE's being needlessly irritating.

What will make the difference in the game being worth your well earned money is whether or not you like multiplayer and Nazi Zombies. I'm not a big multiplayer person, but the only gripe I have is the hodge podge, mix and match matchmaking. Yet, the addition of two player split screen is welcome, especially in the revamped Zombies game. The computer randomizes between four characters, each set exclusive to a map. One of which has you playing as Secretary McNamara, Fidel Castro, JFK, or Richard Nixon. They could have boxed this as Left 4 Dead 3, and I would've bought it quicker than Rock Band 4.

I can't say I hated Black Ops, but I also can't say I loved it. It's pretty much a standard war shooter, with some innovative concepts, both mission and story wise, but isn't fully explored to its full capabilities. I can say this, though: Unlike most shooters (Halo), the developers did put enough thought into the single player campaign to make it worth a playthrough, and put a twist on a classic diversion. What it really comes down to is this: If you like CoD, buy it. If you don't like CoD, rent it. Either way, give the game a chance.

Overall: C

+ Intriguing story

- Though a little hodge podge

+ Varied and Innovative Missions

+ Great graphics and sound

- Some glitches, big and small

-/+ Moments of cheesiness

+ Nixon and Kennedy hate Zombies

Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Games that are so Bad, They're Good

After reviewing a swath of bad games, it made me wonder: What games are so bad that they surpass being garbage? Well, loyal reader, here's my list:

10: Afro Samurai: I hate this game for every reason one should hate a game. The controls are mostly terrible, the camera is your biggest enemy, and it moves nauseatingly fast. Yet, I love this game for the sheer fact that, despite all of its flaws (don't count if you want to have a life), the game is one of the best hack and slash games available, just by sheer beauty of its graphics, and some of the most epic fights ever in a game. Can you imagine how much more epic God of War III would be if Kratos was fighting a robot clone while free falling? Hey, with Pandora being an android, is that so insane?

9: Damage Incorporated: A first person shooter where you play as a team of marines fighting a murderous cult? What could go wrong? Well, for starters, it uses the Marathon Engine in a time where Build was used widely (hell, even Witchaven used Build, and that game sold as well as feces in a French restaurant). You also controlled like a brick being thrown by a baby. Yet, the goofy graphics and premise (Marines vs. Not-Heaven's-Gate-Humping-Freemasons), make this game at least worth a playthrough.

8: I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream: The interface was horrible, the controls were barely passable for a graphic adventure, and it was panned by critics everywhere for just about everything between graphics and sound, to fun value. The one thing that makes IHNM worth playing is that it has one of the most awesome and frightening stories in video game history. You play as the four last humans on Earth as an evil computer tortures you (and in one instance, has another character repeatedly rape another for his "amusement"), all to see if humanity is worth keeping around. Oh, and the computer is voiced by the writer of the original story, Harlan Ellison. The guy's a prick, which is why I AM is the perfect character for him.

7: Soldier of Fortune: Payback: Bad graphics, terrible AI, short play value (2.5 to 3 hours top), a cliche story that has no ending, and voice work that makes the "AWESOME" series of videos look like an award winning movie. Yet, it has one redeeming value: it is just too bad to be taken seriously. The game is, no joke, so bad that it's funny as hell. The laugh value is worth the $10 for it alone. Though, you can't shoot people in the groin and launch their legs off, like in the first one.

6: Low G Man: The Low Gravity Man: Back in the days on the Nintendo, we only had two buttons, and most games used them as "Jump" and "Attack." Taxan decided to use this to its advantage, by making a game where the main character's special power was to jump really, really high. Yeah... Today, the concept is pretty lame, and the game was difficult. In fact, one part in the end of the game is impossible-- wait! No, its not, it's one of the first games that makes you think to solve a level. Too bad the game has the dumbest idea for a plot ever.

5: Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude: I am not defending this game in any way. It was terrible. But, its good in the sense that it wasn't Box Office Bust. Oh, and the loading screens used real women.

4: Cho Aniki: When the people created a game say that it's genre is "Shitty Game," you know its going to either be really bad, or so bad, it's good. When the game involves "erotic" images of body builders, and is a shoot 'em up like R-Type, you have to be secure in your sexuality, and keep your tongue firmly in your cheek. Sure, it's not exactly what we play in America, but, how can you not laugh at a game where a boss attacks you with a metal erection and a man coming out of his junk. Yeah... awkward...

3: Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of The Earth: This is one game where bad controls actually make the game work. You always move slow, which usually hinders gameplay. In DCotE, it adds to the panic that you are all ready feeling. It adds to the claustrophobia of the city of Innsmouth as well. Thank Shub-Niggurath there isn't a subplot about homosexuality, nor a "Magic Orange Cat." Damn you, Cthulhu!

2: Witchaven 2: The first person beat 'em up games aren't exactly popular, but that doesn't mean they're bad. Witchaven 2 is one of those games. The graphics sucked, and the controls lagged terribly. You had to walk up to a guy while attacking in order to hit him, much like Saw: The Video Game. This one has the edge over the first game because there isn't a bug where the last boss kills herself, making the game unbeatable. But, hey, we still have primitive, claymation goblins to kill!

1: Deadly Premonition: Slow controls that lag, sub par graphics, a bizarre story that makes no sense to the player, bad voice acting, and the game is a blatant rip-off of Twin Peaks, so much so that the name of the game and two of the characters had to be changed to separate itself from the show. And yet, the game is amazingly fun to play. The head scratching moments keep you on your toes, and playing the game, making you wonder not what's going to happen next, but why people don't think anything going on is weird. The game seemingly accidentally draws you into its story. It's also finished in such a way that you can't help but feel for its characters. No other game that I've played made me this happy to even have tried it on a whim. Let's Plays of it are highly encouraged, too.

The Name's Bland, James Bland: The 007: Blood Stone Review

Questions that were raised during this game: 1: Why does Daniel Craig sound like he's doing an Austin Powers impression? 2: Why does Joss Stone constantly look at me like she's frightened and M look at me like she wants me to take my pants off (for the record... EEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!)? 3: If these are the same guys who made Project Gotham Racing, the only racing game I like, why are the driving parts as slippery as driving on ice, except when you're actually on ice? 4: Did the bad guy I was fighting seriously accidentally shoot himself in the arm?

I've never been a big fan of any James Bond movies, but I can appreciate them as the cinema sub-culture that they are. The only times I played the original Goldeneye was when my older brother was kicking my ass in split-screen. Hell, the only Bond game I liked was From Russia with Love, and that was because I got to play as Sean Connery. So, with that said, this next gen Bond game should actually be a somewhat good shooter, right? It's not a movie game, and it isn't like all Bond games were bad in the first place.

*sigh* Why hast thou forsaken me, Bond! Hey, you think that's tasteless, it's no worse than the line "I put my trust in... BOND," that Dame Judi Dench says in the beginning of the game. The writing is cheesier that a Wisconsin farmland. What's worse is it isn't because of any one liners Bond says, actually, he doesn't say any at all. It's because the story takes itself too seriously, but is written to match the older Bond movies. Imagine if Dr. No had all of Bond's one-liners, and the Bond girls, taken out of it. I know this is supposed to be a darker James Bond, but the story feels like the scraps of a lighter Bond movie, but put in modern times. The only way we know it's in modern times is because we actually are "treated" to a piece of dialogue that argues how the Western World always goes to war over WMD's, only to find that "there are no WMD's." Not to get into a political argument, but... IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY IN ANYTHING ANYMORE? It contributes nothing to the overall story.

Then again, either does the story. Seriously, the game took me a whopping 5 hours to beat, and I still don't know why it happened. The end game, which is a anti-climatic cut-scene (like all of the "boss battles") completely defeats the purpose of what Bond was doing, which was trying to stop someone from selling biological weapons. The bad guy could've just done something extremely simple instead of an elaborate plan that involves MI6, but opts to do this in such a way that if one thing went wrong, only that person would've cared. Ultimately, the world is only at stake for about five minutes of the game, and the rest is filler for a badly written "story."

It's acted and rendered about as well as the story is written, too. Craig sounds like Austin Powers, and looks like a monkey in a suit. Minor characters look terrified constantly, and no one changes expression. I know Daniel Craig has the same, "I'm too cool for my own good" look constantly, but what's everyone else's excuses? About the only good acting in the game was a guy I fought towards the end who was a more interesting villain than the actual villain. I think that's because he was like a Chinese George Takei.

The gameplay is hit and miss. While the shooting works well, it's actually too easy to kill anyone. Bond automatically aims at a target near him (as long as you're already aiming near that target), and you kill him in one to three shots. Then you have focus mode, which does that same thing, but slows time town. Um... thanks, game, but you made things easy for me already!

The AI seriously doesn't help matters. We've all heard of enemies rushing into melee range when they can shoot you. How about enemies that shoot themselves by accident? 'Nuff said.

But, driving is where it falls apart. All of the driving segments have you chasing after someone. The world knows this, and does everything to get in your way. First of all, almost every road in the game is seemingly covered in black ice as steering is nearly impossible to precisely do with out crashing. The only time that changes is when you're actually driving on ice, then it feels like you threw a brick, and doesn't respond at all. It also doesn't help that the textures for ice and water look exactly the same. Since you'll crash into everything you see, the developers decided to reward you for somehow not crashing into anything in the last level. This is funny seeing that everyone will stop right in front of you, no matter what, and you absolutely have to crash through a fence in it to. I guess the Aston Martin can fly, now?

More than anything, the game feels rushed, and it pays for it. The story is hackneyed, the graphics are subpar, the acting is bland, and the gameplay is either too easy, or too hard. Bond deserves a better game than this. About the only good thing I can say is that it isn't Saw II: Flesh and Blood, and that's about as high of praise as I'll give this game.

Overall: D

+ Shooting people works

- When they don't decide life is meaningless.

+ Chinese George Takei

- Cheesy writing

- ... and acting

- Horrible people rendering

- Even worse driving segments

- No Connery