"The Toys Are In A Different Town." The "Toy Story 3" Review

It's been an interesting day today. I got yelled at by an old woman to stop at a four way intersection right after I stopped. I saw my cousin and his wife (and two kids) at the store while carrying a 24 case of Dr Pepper. Sadly, I couldn't stay too long, and anyone who knows him knows what a good guy he is. I took an hour and a half walk because my neighbors are still trying to kick me out of my apartment by blasting their TV so loud that I can tell you what channel they're watching over my loud (yet soothing) air conditioner. But, the true highlight of the day was watching a movie (as I do on some Tuesdays). What made this movie special was the fact that I watched the other two parts back when I was a kid, and they stuck with me for this long. In fact, I went into this feeling a little nervous that it would ruin the first two movies (much like God of War III did the first two games). Its only natural to hope that your favorite characters don't change too much, or worse, ruined, after ten or so years.

And while I may not be a fan of some of Pixar's works (I still, to this day, refuse to watch Cars and Wall-E), I have to say this with a sense of nostalgia, joy, and, Heaven help me, sadness: Toy Story 3 is truly a classic. Why is this sad?

Remember the day when you were a teenager, and you realized that all the toys you played with, all the fun you had when you were a kids is gone, never to come back? It makes you happy to look back at, but for that moment, the joy is intertwined with a sharp pang of loss. That loss is growing up, and realizing that you want to stay a kid forever, but also realizing that you have to move on. You may have teared up a bit, or bawled like a baby, or done nothing at all except suck it up and move on. That's what Toy Story 3 does.

I have some minor gripes with it, though. The first is the biggest, even though it only lasts for five seconds. Toy Story 3 is a family movie, I think we can all agree on this. For the love of God, and all that is holy, stop putting political views into movies that aren't political. At one point, a character says to another, "Leadership should be chosen by a general consensus, not by brute force." While it isn't blatantly obvious as to what is being referred, this is a family movie: children won't get, and adults won't appreciate any "hidden messages" that may (not necessarily are) inferred from this one line, or any line like it. That line could have been, "We choose are leaders, they aren't chosen for us!" or something like that. See? Points made without being tangled up as propaganda. I had a discussion with the person I saw this with about this line alone. She thought, at first, that I took offense to it because I thought it was a backhand about the Iraq War. I can see why she would have assumed this, what with me being a soldier. If it was or wasn't, I don't really care. I'm tired of politics being introduced in places where it shouldn't be, i.e. family movies or, even punk rock music. Remind me why Green Day, a band that was initially an anarchist punk band is now the mouth of liberal media? But that's a rant for another day.

The other small gripes I had were that it was too sporadic and spontaneous at points (seriously... what was with Ken?), and at least on of the toys being down right scary looking. I mean, seriously, Big Baby and Mr. Tortilla Head were disturbing. Oh, and the joke with Barbie saying "Nice... ascot," very slowly was completely unnecessary. Also the same with some of the "gay" jokes that were thrown is pretty subtly.

Now, for the good stuff. There's a lot of it, so I'm only going to really go into the extremely good points. For starters, the story was excellent. It starts off with a high note (I swear, Alexis and I are going to repeat "Evil Dr. Porkchop" jokes), and ends with one of the most heart string tugging endings that I have ever seen since the end of Pan's Labyrinth. I won't spoil everything for you, right before the middle of the movie, a scene happens that shows how the movie is going to end, and you can't help but make adults chuckle out of the sheer innocence of a child's play time. It reminded me of when I was a kid, and also of when a certain child started to rub my head while telling me about the "shampoo" he was washing my head with. Contrast wise, there is a scene towards the end that will have you on the edge of your seat with true feeling of dread and sorrow of possibly losing a part of one's childhood. Seriously, watching this scene made me feel like I was watching some old friends die (mainly because some of my childhood was playing with a Buzz Lightyear toy), and the pay off is well worth it. You'll get a laugh, but it will be more of a laugh of relief than of humor.

I'm hard pressed to think of any plot point that was just used as filler. The one that I thought was going to be a one time joke, becomes something extremely important towards the over all story. Seeing Buzz Lightyear in Spanish mode was interesting, but I still want to know why he was doing Zoidberg's mating dance. Visually, this is one of the most enchanting movies I have seen done in CGI. There's a scene with Big Baby that strikes fear into your heart, but at the same time, makes you feel sorry for him. There are also scenes where the loyalty of the toys' friendships are put to the test, and the results are well worth the watch.

Again, I don't want to get too detailed with this, because this is a movie that you should go see for yourself. If you have kids, watch it with them. If you don't have kids, watch it with some on you love. Or with friends. Or even alone. Whatever you do, don't let this beautiful animated masterpiece go by because you don't think it'll live up to it predecessors. It does, and more.

I give it 5 and 1/2 out of 6 Boot-Dwelling Snakes.

Sunburnt, Dazed, and Transformed: Updates

I finally got a new Horrid Horror Review up, after almost two weeks. I've been up to a lot since then, working on some art and design stuff, watching crappy movies (I still can't get over how bad The A-Team was), and playing some games. So, what should I talk about first?

Figuring I'm behind on my gaming, I should probably get to that. I finally (finally) beat Mass Effect 2. And I have this to say: That final boss shouldn't be in this game. First: The build up was good, but the reveal was too soon in the game. Second: I am so sick of bosses that are over grown bullet sponges with no difficulty at all. Its attacks are easily avoidable, and its a pushover once you have the laser rifle. That said, I still would say play it. The writing is too good. Add to that the fact that you can do missions you haven't completed in game, and even cuddle with your love interest after the game. Yeah, I've been cuddling Tali... So?

After watching the travesty of a movie called The A-Team, Alexis (my girl for all of you people who are clueless as to what my social life is anymore) and I went around town. I sold some stuff (okay, one game, and I can't remember what it was... oh, it was WET), and she bought me two gifts. The first was found when I was cashing a check. It's Myst for the DS. Normally, I shy away from Myst games because I like my graphic adventures with more interaction than "solve this puzzle, move forward." I like people in my games. I have to say, though, that it is fairly interesting. I think I'm a late bloomer because I tried playing Myst when I was in my "I hate myself" stage, and I didn't think I could play it. But, yeah, it's pretty good.

The other was, surprisingly enough, Red Dead Redemption. As some of you know, I stray away from Westerns, games and movies alike. I will admit, I did like Tombstone, but games like Gun and Call of Juarez, as well as most other Western movies failed to really impress me. I can't make a judgement on Red Dead Redemption yet because I've only played an hour, but so far, despite a slow start, it's not bad. Considering that I don't play a lot of "freeroaming" games (save for Infamous and Spider-Man) that's pretty good praise.

I did spoil myself a bit (for $20) and bought Lego Indiana Jones 2. I like it except for one glaring flaw: the vehicles control like a thrown brick. They're hard to turn, or even control, due to the controls matching your orientation on screen, and being very liquidy. This is bad when several levels have you driving to smash other cars, and you can barely control where you're going. On top of that, your partner seems intent on getting right in your way constantly. Need to make a hard jump? Bam! He's right in front of you. Fighting a guy? Bam! You killed your buddy. I do like the humor and the hubs, though. Then again, I miss the chests from the first game being scattered for level specific treasures. Wouldn't it be cool if you could build the "Super-Fridge" from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

Finally, Alexis and I pitched in and bought Transformers: War for Cybertron. Six word that'll make fans squee: No Shia LaBeouf of Megan Fox. This is actual Transformers, not Michael Bay's crap. We're talking Megatron being a pompous douchenugget, Starscream trying to take over the Decepitcons from the inside, but too cowardly to take on Megatron himself. Hell, Bumblebee talks in this, and is voiced by Johnny "Vash the Stampede" Bosch, who does his voice pretty damn well. If you grew up with Transformers, you'll love this game.

Again, finally, I borrowed Ratchet and Clank Futures: Tools of Destruction from a friend of mine (who, in turn, is borrowing Alan Wake from me). I'm impressed by it. Its been a long time since I've played a game or watched a cartoon that brings me back to feeling like a kid, in a good way. This game does it. It almost makes me want to wake up at 6:00 in the morning to play it in my pajamas. Granted, that would look weird considering I'm 26, have no real pajamas to speak of, and I have my work around my living area.

In speaking of work, I have some design stuff, that I don't want to get into too heavily right now, as to not jinx it. I am, however, working on a poster sized picture of Sodom and Gomorrah. The trick is, I need to draw it on two different sheets of paper due to me drawing Sodom's portion a little too big. It's going to looks pretty cool, though. I have Sodom sitting on a table with Gomorrah on her hands and knees beneath her looking vaguely impatient. As two what the background (and other elements) will be, I'll keep that a secret for now.

I'm also trying to do ad designs for a table top game I'm planning to do with the guys. It's called I Am Nothing, and it's based on the horror concept of the same name. I'm also going to design some character sheets for it (and a reboot for the Goria one I started with a D20 system). The system I'm using now, the "One-Shot" system, was actually designed by a friend of mine, and I'm very excited to use it, and expand some elements. I will need to use a map, but not a conventional one. I'm actually mixing elements of the Doom boardgame (i.e. the board) with it to keep my maps straight. Technically, I'm not supposed to, but it keeps me organized.

In speaking of the Doom boardgame, holy crap is that game a pain if you're a Marine in it. I won my second game in a row as the Invaders. I'm going to have to make some house rules. Anyway, that's all for now!

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Nightmare Man

I know I was going to do Scarred next, but I saw this more recently, and I came up with an idea. Welcome to a new feature for Horrid Horror Movie Reviews known as "Cocktease Horror Masterpiece Theater." What is Cocktease Horror Masterpiece Theater? Well, let me explain. Cocktease Horror is when a movie decides not to have nudity, or has nudity in socially unacceptable points. In the former, nudity is usually replaced with a striptease down to underwear that has nothing to do with the plot other than make men horny... only that's not a plot point. In the latter, you have nudity only in rape scenes, or in the case of Terror Toons, when a porn star plays a six year-old.

While Scarred does fit into Cocktease Horror, I'll get to that next review. For now, its time to take on the predictable and horrifyingly bad Nightmare Man.

Normally, I skip the credits, but I'm to a point where I may have to start doing a design series for this blog anyway, so why not? The credits look like they were done by a monkey. You have flashing negative images in the background, the names of people in white with red outlines, and letters coming out of the names in red, pulsating letters that draw your eyes away from the cast. This is troubling when you have people who want to be associated with the movie they're in. Considering that the red letters take your attention away, maybe the designer saw the movie and did the actors a favor. Oh, wait... Richard Moll's in the credits. He was good in the first House movie, and fantastic as Two-Face in "Batman: The Animated Series." Who is he in this movie? The killer? A cop. Our main character's husband? No. He's none of those. In fact, he's not in the fucking movie. Why is he even listed if he isn't going to show up? Did he read the script and decide to not hurt his career?

The actual movie starts when a woman opens a package and opens it in front of her husband, explaining that its a mask of an African fertility god. The husband looks at the mask, a demon with horns, and says something with a French accent so thick, you can't understand him. The woman puts the mask in the box, and takes her dress off to go shower. Oh, but she makes sure that the camera only gets sideboob with no nipple. As she showers, the lights go out, and she goes out to find her husband, Bill. A frenchman named Bill? Really? Anyway, she goes upstairs after Bill says he's in the attic, but she gets attacked, stripped (so we do see her breasts) and raped by a guy in the African Fertility God mask. She wakes up in her car, showing that Bill is driving her to a therapy session.

We find out that after she was raped, Ellen lost her mind and grew a fear of the mask. Bill took her to a therapist, who couldn't help beyond giving her Naproxin. If her psychological therapist thought a pain killer could help with her "schizophrenia," then the therapist needs help. Bill, being a dumbass, forgot to get gas, and the car breaks down in the middle of the woods. Bill leaves Ellen alone, with the demon mask which scares her to death, causing her to yell at Bill and throw the mask out. After Bill leaves her alone (kudos for being the husband of the year, jackass), the demon starts terrorizing her. She takes her pills, but that doesn't help her out. In fact, the demon gets more aggressive, including opening her trunk and cutting through the car seats.

Ellen runs into the woods, the demon after her. In the meantime, we meet the rest of our cast: for college aged coeds, two male, two female. Due to the fact that only three of them are named, and due to the comical nature of the deaths, I've renamed most of the cast:

Ellen: Busty main character (seriously). Known as "Cheerleader"

Trinity: Blonde girl that likes tough bad boys. Known as "So-And-So"

Guy that is never names: Blends into the crowd with his femininity . Known as "Whatsherface."

Mya: Unattractive, kinky haired, and obnoxious. Known as "The Ugly One."

Jack: Tough bad boy. Known as "Thompkins."

Unfortunately, Mrs. Commander...son isn't in this movie, but the guy that shows up to kill the Teen Girl Squad does. I'll give you a hint: he's the demon. Anyway, So-And-So and The Ugly One hint that their cheating on their boyfriends with each other. Cut to Cheerleader being chased by the demon. She gets his knife and runs off. Cut to the kids playing truth-or-dare. So-And-So Dares The Ugly One to tease Whatsherface. This leads to The Ugly One doing a striptease until she starts to take of her bra. Luckily, So-And-So stops her. But this means that The Ugly One has to dare her to do something.

Cut to Cheerleader still running away, and being pinned by the demon. Cut to The Ugly One telling So-And-So to fake an orgasm. As she does, she starts writhing and calling out Thompkins name, which pisses him off. He tells her to stop, and asks her a truth question: "What's your favorite--" Thankfully, Cheerleader screams causing attention to be drawn to the woods. As the rest of TGS go to see if they can see anything, when The Ugly One shows up with a crossbow. Still in her underwear, she goes into the woods with the crossbow and finds Cheerleader, bringing her inside. Why does Cheerleader have a crossbow in the first place? To protect herself from bears. In that case, she better hope for a headshot.

They take Cheerleader in, and let her call Bill to tell her where she's at. Bill asks to talk to a guy, and she hands the phone to Thompkins. He explains to Thompkins that Cheerleader is insane, and may have done her own injuries. Explain how she ripped the back of her shirt from behind? The Ugly One comes in and Thompkins gives her the phone to give him directions to the house and so she can hear how insane Cheerleader is. Thompkins explains it to So-And-So and Whatsherface. Whatsherface claims that he knew she was insane, but So-And-So is sympathetic. Suddenly, Cheerleader screams, causing the TGS to run in the room. Cheerleader forgot her pills, and wants to go get them.

Whatsherface tries to stop her, but she knocks him out of the way. She then shoves So-And-So and The Ugly One out of the way, and Thompkins punches her in the face. While Whatsherface cheers about this, So-And-So takes offense to Thompkins action. Whatsherface goes outside to smoke, followed by The Ugly One. The Ugly One pulls down her panties, making Whatsherface's jaw drop. Instantly, Whatsherface is shot in the open mouth with the crossbow. ARROW'D! The Ugly One sees the demon with the crossbow, and runs inside to tell the remaining TGS that the demon is real. Thompkins doesn't believe her, though, despite the fact that Cheerleader has been KO'ed for the past ten minutes. So-And-So sees the demon outside, and the TGS barracade themselves behind the couch. This is good strategy, except for leaving Cheerleader on the couch.

While hiding behind the couch, Whatsherface asks Thompkins what the last word in his question was. He looks at her and the following happens:

Thompkins: Position, okay? What's you're favorite sexual position?

So-And-So: Bottom.

The Ugly One: Oh, her on bottom, not me. (After realizing her mistake, mouths out "Oh, shit."

Thompkins looks at So-And-So like he's hurt. Demon comes out and scares them.

Why did The Ugly One say anything? Did So-And-So take her line? Judging by the shocked expression on Thompkins' face, I think so. Anyway, the demon breaks through the bathroom door and stabs So-And-So in the jaw. STAB'D! He the shoots Thompkins in the chest with three arrows. ARROW'D AGAIN'D! He then runs off, leaving The Ugly One to tie Cheerleader to a chair. After a while, Bill shows up, shocked that his wife is tied up, but not at the dead bodies. He says he'll go to get Cheerleader's meds, but goes into his car. He then sees Whatsherface's dead body, despite being in front of it the whole damn time. He then starts talking to the demon, who is really a guy where the mask. It ends up that Bill devised this whole plan to kill his wife.

Back in the house, the killer attacks The Ugly One, but Cheerleader turns into a demon and kills him, knocking the mask off. The Ugly One runs away, and Cheerleader, covered in blood, tries to seduce Bill. Bill runs away when Cheerleader turns into a demon, but Thompkins and So-And-So are reanimated to hold Bill down as Cheerleader squeezes his heart. She then runs after The Ugly One who has the mask.

Cheerleader and The Ugly One fight until The Ugly One stabs her in the face with the mask and beats her to death with a rock. ROCK TO THE FACE'D! The demon comes out and tears The Ugly Ones' clothes off, including her bra (the only other full breasts we see), and rapes her. The police find her, and the movie ends with her in a mental asylum. The doctor says she's going off her meds, and The Ugly One turns into a demon.

This movie needs to die. It has nudity on the worst places (not that it really needed it anyway), the casting is horrible, especially when you have a French guy playing an American who no one can understand, and the plot is predictable with senseless tidbits of "sex" and stripteases thrown in for no measure at all.

Hang on, though. We're not done with Cocktease Horror Masterpiece Theater yet. We still haven't gotten into the lecherous father and horny park ranger story of Scarred.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to clean his crossbow bolts.

Oh, sh-- ARROW'D A YET AGAIN'D!!!

If You're In Trouble, Then Maybe You Should Call... Someone Else: "The A-Team" Review

Augh. I just got back from seeing a clinical counselor. You see, it seems that my childhood memories of a team of badass ex-Green Berets has been ravaged by opportunistic writers. I remember a tall, buff black guy who pitied fools, a pretty boy con man who wooed women, but never took it things farther than needed, a crazy pilot who latched onto bizarre things, and a man with a plan, no matter how crazy it was. What we have now are a man with a plan that makes no sense and gives up when things get tough, a buff black guy that can't act his way out of a fight with pitiful fools, an ape-ish looking man who sleeps with every woman he meets, and a crazy pilot who latches onto bizarre things. Okay... so Murdock was still awesome.

The A-Team is a Frankie "Dishpan" and Boy George cameo short of being a complete waste of time, mainly because of Sharlto Copey, who plays Murdock. He seems to be the only one who has even done research on his character. He plays Murdock like Dwight Schultz would, and it can be taken as a tribute, much like Karl Urban's McCoy in Star Trek was. The rest of the main cast ranges from out of there league to terrible. Liam Neeson sucks as Hannibal, mainly due to the fact that he acts too serious, and gives up towards the end. George Peppard's Hannibal never gave up; He adjusted his plan to fit the situation. If things got rough, then Hannibal would smile and get rougher. He wouldn't throw his hands in the air and call it quits.

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson is not B.A. Baracus. He's a cartoon character in this movie, used as the butt of "I Ain't Gettin' On No Plane" and Pacifist jokes. The one time B.A. fights, it's over so quickly that it wasn't worth the time. Finally, Bradley Cooper as Faceman. The man looks like an alien-ape, yet sleeps with every woman (including his own prison guard, without getting in trouble) he meets. Yet, he "loves" Jessica Biel's underwhelming character (that frankly was only there to have "eye candy," but more on that later). He also encourages people to punch him in the face. Um... Wasn't Face's greatest tool his face? Also, why is Face the big hero of the movie, anyway? It's the "A-TEAM" not "the Faceman Hour."

The minor cast is miss as well. Jessica Biel plays the CID officer who wants the A-Team captured... I think. I couldn't tell you because she's only in uniform once in the movie, to get demoted. Most of the time, she's in a half buttoned shirt that shows that she has no decent build to show off. I don't mind if a woman isn't absolutely curvy, but when she's on the "my breasts sag more than my grandmother's" list, a bra and buttons are a vast improvement. Pike, the forgettable villain, is a skinny jerk that can somehow beat B.A. to a pulp.

Finally, though, we get to Lynch, played by Patrick "I was Nite Owl" Wilson. If you liked him in Watchmen, you'll hate him in this. He should stay as far away from villain roles as humanly possible. I kid you not, at one point, he breaks into song about his evil plan. It had to have been an outtake. I mean there is just no excuse for that kind of lame writing. Then again, the same guy got Mauy Thai and Brazilian Jiujitsu mixed up. He tries to choke someone out, and calls it Mauy Thai. At least he says that Jiujitsu os better, though, but if he's going to say he used Mauy Thai, he should use it!

I would go into the story... but I'm sure that this movie didn't have one. The crime that the A-Team is framed for was written so poorly that I'm not sure what it was they were convicted of in this movie. But, I drew the BS line when a military judge says that Rangers are outlaws and have no place in the Army (which is the opposite of what one would actually say) and that the guys who did the crime (and the military knows it) cannot be tried by UCMJ due to being civilian contractors. They committed a crime against the Army. Civilian or not, that falls under UCMJ jurisdiction.

This movie is just another remake cash-in attempt with no brain and big explosions. Maybe you want to see something nonsensical. If that's the case, go rent a Dr. Seuss live action movie. Do yourself a favor and steer clear of this mess of a movie.

I give it .5 out of 6 Foo's to Pity.

Top Ten From Hell: Bizarre Games

Welcome to another Top Ten From Hell. Today, in celebration of beating two bizarre games, I'm going to do a very special Top Ten. Today's top ten will revolve around the Ten most bizarre, ball bustingly odd video games that I've played. I mean, how hard can that be?

10: Incredible Crisis: On paper, its not odd. A series of minigames, big deal, right? The first game: Dance aerobics that change into a disco inferno to impress your boss. Later, you give a "back massage" to her, too. Failing at cunnilin- I mean, messaging her back, she tries to kill you, then tries to rob a bank that your wife is in. All while your son is shrunk down to the size of a grasshopper and your daughter makes peace with aliens. Oh, and you fight a giant teddy bear in a jet fighter. All within a day. Who is this family, and why am I not in it?

9: Katamari Forever: The King of All Cosmos has been knocked out, and its up to the Prince to go into the Kings mind and gather his thoughts by playing levels from the past games. To replace the King, the Prince and his cousins make a depressed Robo-King, who doesn't even use the Royal We. While its standard Katamari fare, Robo-King makes it all the more strange due to his restraint in insulting you. That, and dodging flaming balls that spew from his head when you fail.

8: Dante's Inferno: While not weird at its core, the setting alone puts this game on the list. Hell as never looked so frightening in a video game. Nothing makes you want to lose weight more than seeing a guy's deformed face staring at you, then finding out that he has three heads as his tongues. Also, Cleopatra with her baby-spewing nipples of death. Yes, baby-spewing nipples. OF DEATH!

7: Wild 9: A platforming game that encourages you to torture your enemies with your RIG. How do you do that? By grinding them up, beating one with another, slamming him onto the ground, tossing him on to spikes then walking on him, spin him like a lasso, drown him... this game is sadistic, yet childish in execution. It's like playing a Bugs Bunny version of Manhunt.

6: Alan Wake: While the game is good, the story is confusing. Just when you think you have it, something changes. I will give kudos for introducing a plot point, and remembering it by the end of the game, but, seriously... WTH?

5: Silent Hill: Homecoming: You play as a soldier coming home to find his missing brother, only to find out that rich families have been sacrificing children to keep the city's god at bey. Now, you have to fight the children as they come back as giant dolls and human centipedes. Yeah, this is the weirdest game in the main franchise, but its still missing something.

4: Silent Hill 4: The Room: A game that not only encourages you to "stalk your neighbor," but pretty much requires you too. A subplot from Silent Hill 2 serves as this games plot, where you have to fight serial killer Walter Sullivan, whose ghost has locked you in his old apartment. You can only escape to the town via holes that lead you to a haunted "Otherworld." Where the game goes crazy, though, is towards the end, with the Giant Elaine Head. Oh, and the umbilical chord as a weapon. Yeah... this game's fucked up.

3: Chakan: The Forever Man: Listed as one of the hardest games on the Sega Genesis, Chakan had you playing as a guy who beats Death is a duel, therefore becoming immortal until he rids every universe of evil. You'll fight octopi, "man-oxes," and an H.R. Giger painting. What do you get when you beat the game? An hour glass because the developers forgot to put the real ending in the game. No joke, either. That's what happened.

2: Deadly Premonition: An FBI agent who talks to himself, a killer that can turn super Saiyan, and a town that is infested with crazy people and Joker faced shadows. You'll ask yourself, "why doesn't anyone see that York's crazy? Why doesn't he mention the 'zombies?'" Then you find out what's going on between bizarre murders, including a trap that strangles someone with wet silk, and (my "favorite") a woman giving a tour of a museum with her tongue cut out. Oh, did I mention that the last boss turns into a frog/troll doll?

1: Killer7: When the fact that you play as a guy with seven personalities isn't the weird part of your game, you know a games strange. You'll fight afro'ed terrorists, exploding clones of Gary Busey, duel an old pederast, fight an anime girl (and Power Rangers), and talk to a gimp... and that's only scratching the surface of how unusual this game is. By the time you know what's going on, you're left scratching your head at everything else. Killer7 is by far the weirdest game ever made, and probably will be for a long time.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? The "Alan Wake" Review

I finished playing "Alan Wake" this week, and, figuring that I promised to review it, here it is. I said before that "Alan Wake" is pretty much "Twin Peaks." Upon playing it until the end, I can safely say that I was mostly wrong. Mainly because "Twin Peaks" makes sense by the end of the series. I'll come back to that.

The gameplay is simple in theory: use a flashlight to weaken bad guys, then shoot them. All goes well until you get swarmed by five guys, then you have to run like hell. It also gets more complicated as you have to dodge thrown objects, weaken living objects, and manage enemy spawning all at the same time. It never gets too overwhelming, though, and harder moments are kept at a minimum to not hinder the games decent pacing.

While the graphics are good and the acting is passable, the one big graphical glitch this game has is the lip synching. The localization team needs to be slapped for forgetting this important aspect of making a game like this. Still, the lighting is some of the best I've seen on the XBox 360, and just a step below the amazing lighting of the Uncharted series. This may also be because everything in this game is dark, making it all the harder to judge. On the voice acting, I just wished that some of the minor players read the script before they voiced their roles.

So, it has good gameplay, good graphics, and passable voice work, with some flaws. Why did I wait so long to review it? Because the story isn't what it was made out to be. It starts as your typical "wife gets kidnapped" story, and ends up being entirely too "movie-wannabe" for its own good. The ending is left to interpretation, but even then, it makes you wonder what happened. For a story that was supposed to unfold over the game, with DLC episodes to expand on it, it sure leaves you with a lot of questions, mainly the big one that hurts the game the most: What was the point? If you can answer that question after playing this game, let me know.

While it's a good game, I can't say that I really suggest it to anyone. The story is just too convoluted and doesn't go anywhere. If you want a game that has a good detective story, play "Deadly Premonition." Play "Alan Wake" if you want to play a game, and that's it.

B-

+ Good Graphics

+ Great Lighting

+ Passable voice work

- Save for some minor characters

- Really, what is the point?

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Miner's Massacre

You know, I think I've been too nice lately. I've given glowing reviews to Splice and Deadly Premonition, and I'm about to give another good review to an other game. And, figuring I'm going to go camping with a few friends (yes, I have those) soon, I can't leave on a high note. I mean, I can't have people thinking that - *gasp* - The Window Keeper's going soft! The last thing I need is people spreading slander about me. Again... only this time, it'd be justifiable.

Luckily, here comes Miner's Massacre to confirm that I'm not going soft. In fact, I owe this movie a great deal. It's the first time since Carnivore that I've taken the slip out to carve the movie a message. Instead of "NO!" though, this time it was "Fuck you, Shit-cake." How bad could a movie be that it evokes that response from me? Let's find out!

Before the movie, we get the production company logo: A flattened picture of a black cowboy who looks more constipated than Max Payne. The title card pops up, with the same font as "Green Acres," and using stock footage of miners mining. We then see a guy counting his gold, taking a piss, then getting killed by the monster du jour: Jeremiah Stone, the evil miner. So far, like another bad movie, the first guy to get killed pisses in his only scene. At least this one didn't stop because of an alligator. We then meet Clare, who's cooking dinner in her bra, and her boyfriend-- Gabriel Knight? No, his name is Nick. He hands Clare a letter with a golden nugget, and Clare decides that they should go camping.

We then meet Axle and his girlfriend. All they do is argue and make creepy double entendres. She decides she has to pee, so they pull over at Richard Lynch's farmhouse. Yes, Richard Lynch had nothing better to do than to be in this movie, nor did Karen Black, but we'll get back to her later. While Axle's girlfriend (seriously, no one ever says her name, so we'll call her Bitchy Galore) pisses, Lynch persuades Axle into buying a wanted poster of Jeremiah Stone. Axle and Bitchy then leave to find the mine, leaving Richard Lynch to get killed by the 49'er. We then meet Rox Ann and Hayden, who are "busy" in the car. Here's the character development chart for future reference:

Clare: Final Girl

Nick: Gabriel Knight Impersonator and Final Boy

Axle: Asshole

Bitchy Galore: Bitchy

Hayden: Monterey Jack

Rox Ann: Horny

That's all anyone needs to know about them!

Anyway, they all meet up in an old Western set, and immediately split up. Axle goes to look for his watch that Bitchy's mom gave to him, and runs into Megan Fox's even less attractive (but at least she looks like she isn't plastic) sister, Eve. Axle responds with all the wit he can muster: "And I am Adam." Rox Ann and Hayden go to a barn to screw, and Nick and Clare go to the jail to screw. This is interrupted by Bitchy screaming. When they all meet her at the bar, they find that pigeons scared her. The sheriff then comes in to see what's going on. Clare says that they're going camping as she hand the gold nugget to Bitchy. The sheriff, perfectly fine with them trespassing, tells Eve to stay with them, and leaves. Bitchy, jealous of Eve, decides to take off in Axle's car. The 49'er jumps out in front of her, causing her car to crash into a tree, then decapitates her. You can tell she's been decapitated by her crossed eyes.

As the group tries to find the campground, we get this "nice" piece of dialogue from Hayden and Axle:

Hayden: Wow. Eve is a ripe fruit.

Axle: Yeah. I'm gonna pluck it.

Subtle. So subtle, in fact, that I think this would be better so the audience doesn't get confused:

Hayden: Wow. She's hot. I'd do her.

Axle: I'm gonna fuck her, even though I have a girlfriend.

See how I fixed it? Oh, wait. I DIDN'T! Come on, people, subtlety isn't that hard. What, did you run out of double entendre's? He could've said, "I really love her peaches. You gonna shake that tree?" Or, since he introduced himself as Adam, "I'd love to try those apples." There! I fixed your script! It isn't that hard... if you know what I mean.

Eve finds out that they're only after the gold, and runs home to tell her aunt, Karen Black, this. Karen Black tells her that they're going to die, so Eve runs away to warn Axle. When she finds the cabin that Clare's brother was in, the 49'er decapitates her. Meanwhile, the group are lost, and split up. The women find the mineshaft while the guys find out that despite being in the Army, Axle failed "map reading class." This is the point where I snapped. "Map reading class," known as "Orientation," is required in Basic Training. If you fail it, you don't pass Basic. I know this, because I'm in the Army. So, you can imagine why I pulled the slip out, and gave the movie a special message of "Fuck you, Shit-cake."

Clare calls the guys over, to which Hayden asks, "What?! Is this a feminist intervention?" Wha-HUH?! Where the fuck did that come from? Anyway, he gets pissed that the women found the mine and not him. Axle farts, and everyone thinks it smells bad but him. I know that you really didn't need to know that, but I need to portray how bad this movie is. After hours of packing up the gold, the group decides to go to camp and eat Hormel Chili. Well, I lied. Rox Ann gives Hayden a lapdance and they fuck, Clare and Nick fuck, and Axle gets a case of diarrhea. Just as the two couples start to work at it, we see Axle's "Poo Face," and hear his shit hit the ground. Guess what, people? We have our script! Axle then hears something and screams when he sees a guy walking toward him.

Our couples dress faster than Superman in a phone booth, and find the sheriff cracking poo jokes at Axle. He then leaves, leaving Hayden to think that the Sheriff wants the gold. When he grabs a gun, Rox Ann panics, making Hayden think that she's in on the imaginary conspiracy. She gets in the car, and the 49'er throws a shovel through the windshield and decapitates her. I die a little because Rox Ann is the first woman in any movie I reviewed that was actually built like a woman, you know... with curves. Here's to Rox Ann. Wow... not even Sting can make this movie good. Kind of like Dune.

Hayden takes the last car and drives off. The 49'er grabs the wheel, sending the car to flip over a truck. This, of course causes both the truck and the car to spontaneously combust. Axle, Nick, and Clare run back to the campsite and find Karen Black who takes them to her cabin. She tells them that they have to take the gold back, burn the 49'er because he's actually a demon from hell. And demons hate fire. Too bad he just survived a fiery explosion not five minutes ago! The kids run back to the camp and find some dynamite. Axle figures that he can make an IED out of the dynamite and walkie talkies. He can make a bomb, but he can't read a fucking map? Meanwhile, the 49'er attacks them, leading to Karen Black getting killed, and the 49'er getting his hand cut off. He then promptly shoves the pickaxe in his hand hole like he's an action figure.

The kids return the gold and set the bombs. The 49'er attacks, though, and stabs Axle in the back. Clare runs to the mine to detonate the bomb, which ignites the 49'er on fire. Nick runs out, forcing Axle to be the hero. With a throaty cry, he yells: "Last Big Boy Free, Motherfucker!" So, we have the guy taking a piss, celebrity appearances in stupid roles, sex scenes with an attractive woman, and now, the incomprehensible line. Where's the big fat orange magic cat when you need it? Axle then puches the 49'er into the fire, killing them both.

As the sun rises, Clare finds that her belly bag has a gold bar in it. Nick throws it into the mine, but the sheriff shows up, picks it up, and the 49'er pops out. Thus ending this craptacular movie.

I know that I said I wanted to do this before the camping trip so people didn't think I was going soft. Fucking hell, that was a bad idea. This movie has no reason to exist, other than to send its watchers into blind rages. The acting is bad, the writing is terrible, the direction is horrifyingly appalling, and the celebrities in it seem to be that desperate for cash to be even be in shit like this. What happened to Puppet Master and House of 1000 Corpses? Do yourself a favor: If you see this movie, don't pass it up. Buy all the copies so you can have a good, old-fashioned DVD bonfire.

For now, this is the Window Keeper, signing off to mine for some cinema gold. Hmm... a movie about a monster from a campfire story... Scarred?

"Deadly Premonition" Video Game Review

Let me get the easy bits out of the way first. Yes, you play as an FBI Agent with an invisible friend, yes, the gameplay is mostly awful due to stiff controls, and yes the music doesn't match the on going event. Oh, and the graphics are pretty bad for this generation of gaming. With all of that said and done, "Deadly Premonition" should be a title that you seek out with every bit of excitement that you would have for, say, "Gears of War 3."

"Deadly Premonition" is one of those games that only come out once every five to ten years that either people hate because it's hard to play, or love because it's "cheesy" or "so bad that it's good." While this is true in the beginning, the quirkiness of the characters sets in, and before you know it, your interested in what's going on. You play as Agent Francis York Morgan, who works with the "imaginary" Zack, as he tries to solve the murder of Anna Graham. This murder, and the ones that soon follow, are linked to "The Red Seeds Murders," and York instantly takes control of the investigation.

His investigation, though, relies on going to the "other" world, and fighting Death Shadows, people that will literally bend over backwards to kill you (and I'm serious, too. They will bend over backwards), and profiling. As the investigation grows more intense, and more people die, the threads holding the city together begin to snap, and soon, York is left alone to figure out the mystery of the Red Seeds.

What starts as a simple murder mystery turns into a bizarre TV show like game, and then into something more. While it never takes itself too seriously, "Deadly Premonition" does the drama and horror as well as it does the bizarre and funny parts of the story. This is good, because both are done extremely well. Most will tell you that by the games end, it seems to get a little insane, but its supposed to. You shouldn't need to make sense of why a guy has turned from a kindly man to a giant blue toad monster that shoots purple fire at you. You also shouldn't wonder why "Amazing Grace" is playing as you're playing the bad guy killing everyone with an axe (which was deeply disturbing).

The best aspect by far are the characters. The sheriff isn't kind, but he obeys you. The deputy, Emily, is sweet, yet still authoratative, and you do end up caring about what happens to her by the end of the game. Most importantly, York and Zach are surprisingly interesting characters, and by the end of the game, you like one of them for what they did for the other in their time of need. Saying anymore would spoil this, and I don't want to do that at all.

"Deadly Premonition" is the best buy for your money ($20 new). For a budget game, its deep, and surprisingly fun to play. Don't stare at this blankly, and play the thing all ready.

Movie Review: Splice

There have only been two times that I left the theater, and I was breathless. Pan's Labyrinth and The Dark Knight, both fantastic films, and both, in their own right, modern classics. Never before, though, has a movie that I was only watching as a mindless diversion, one that I wasn't expecting anything from, left me feeling like I was having an asthma attack.

I have had a lot of people saying that I never have anything good to say about movies, and that none of the movies on here have been rated past 4 out of 6, meaning that they need a lot of work to be very good (4/6 is still a high "D"). I'm fully aware of this, and I have been meaning to find a really good movie to review, just to break that trend. Needless to say, I never though I would find it in the theaters, especially with the crap coming out this summer. When I saw the trailer for Splice, I was expecting a "maybe okay" horror film about genetic engineering. I wasn't expecting it to be mostly drama, nor was I expecting it to be anywhere near interesting. I'm glad I wasn't too, because it came as a much needed surprise that Splice may, in fact, be the first real horror film in 10 years that understands that the monster isn't just the scary part of the movie.

Let me say this right now: I'm opposed to most forms of genetic engineering, especially stem cell research that calls for abortion to fuel it (which, as far as I know, is illegal) and cloning. That's isn't why I watched this movie (though, it can be seen as a cautionary tale of what "may" come), but I was pleased to see that while the movie portrays the negative aspects of genetic engineering, it doesn't throw its views in your face. The band, Green Day, can take a lesson of subtlety from this movie. The product of the experiment, "Dren" (who takes her name after reading "NERD" on her "mother's shirt, and associating it with Sarah Polley) is not evil, but more or less half human and half animal. Both of the actresses playing her (one for child, the other for adult) portray this so well, that it rivals the Predator from its series of movies. She communicates through body language, and at no point in the movie do you need to guess what she wants. You know what she wants. One scene in particular was so well done, that despite being horrifying to watch (or imagine), you had to see it happen. And, no, I'm not going to spoil it, due to it being something you'd have to see to believe.

The two lead actors, Sarah Polley (Dawn of the Dead) and Adrian Brody (The Jacket) are very well cast into the roles of the makers of Dren. Brody at first wants to kill her, while Polley wants to keep her alive (the "abortion" message, it seems). Towards the middle of the movie, the game changes bit by bit. I've always like Polley, but Brody... well, I can't see him in half of the roles he plays (seriously, Predators?). He was good in The Jacket, though, and he is excellent in this. Him and Polley play off of each other well, and you can see certain things happening in this movie from his body language, too. If there were awards for subtle acting, him and Delphine Chaneac would easily take the cake this year.

While it's not an upfront horror movie, it does have that feeling of dread that you would expect. This is mainly because of what the two main characters are doing, and not because of Dren's existence. In fact, Dren is particularly interesting to watch as she evolves. At all times, Chaneac captures Dren's mix of animal nature and childlike sense of awe and mischief perfectly. For example, at one point she escapes to go outside, and kills a rabbit. When the scientists find her, she looks back, blood and entrails pouring out of her mouth, and smiles, as if to say, "Look what I did! Aren't you proud?" It's sick, but kind of funny to watch (especially for dog owners).

The last thing I want to touch on is the CGI. At first, I felt it was extremely unnatural. When Dren is born, though, you can't help but be captivated by her. She looks like a chicken with a human head. Then she grows arms. By the end of her evolution, she looks absolutely horrifying, and more humanoid monster than animal, and that's where the payoff for all of the CGI leads to. It is rare that you see a creature that inspires awe and terror within a 100 minute timeframe, and Dren does it.

The movie does have a hard "R" rating, but I can't picture it without most of the elements. If they'd cleaned the language up, it would've been great, but that's nitpicking. When I have to reach for that, then a movie's got to be pretty damn impressive. And Splice is definitely that. In fact, it may be even more than that.

I give it 6 out of 6 human/chickens.

What I've Been Up To.

I thought I'd put an update for those of you who do read this blog as to what I've been doing lately. I've been busy with work, which is why I haven't kept up with the Horrid Horror Movie Reviews. I've also enrolled in college... again. I'm going in for a Bachelor's in Fine Arts, and maybe try to minor in something, possible Psychology. But, I doubt that.

Anyway, I attempted to watch The Lost, a movie based on a Jack Ketchum book. Notice that the tagline says, "... Unrelenting! A vicious, abrasive film." I can agree to that first part. It was unrelenting. Unrelentingly boring. It starts off with a lot of promise (and a naked woman, but I'll come back to that) with a story about a guy who kills two women. Where it falls apart is when it cuts to four years later, he's still free, and the police want to prove that he killed those two women. Okay, sure. I can get behind that. Except the police basically try to hinder his social life, and nothing more until the last fifteen minutes of the movie, where he goes on a killing rampage because he can't get laid by one of the many women in his city that he's slept with. They don't even bother looking for evidence or talking to his friends until the last half hour of the movie. What it comes down to is 1st quarter: Story 2nd and 3rd quarter Ray Pye being a jackass, beating his girlfriend and sleeping with every woman in the city 4th quarter Story.

And when I say that Ray sleeps with every woman in the city, I mean it. The only women he hasn't done was the naked woman in the very beginning, and that's because he thought she was a lesbian, so he killed her, and the maid in the hotel dating an ex-cop old enough to be her grandfather. With nearly every woman he tries to seduce, we get to see them naked, and him acting like he's never had sex before and humping wildly. I mean, at one point, the woman he's "having sex" with just looks at him like he's an idiot. Right after that, he boinks the waitress at the diner, and another maid (the "fat one), then his girlfriend, aka "August" from "3rd Rock From the Sun." Oh, and he hasn't aged well at all. She looks like she's in her forties in this, but that could be because the film keeps putting grain filters on like a change of T-Shirts.

When he's acting "normal," he's still acting like an idiot. Remember the scene in American Psycho when Patrick Bateman films himself having sex with two women at once while making stupid gestures, mugging, and pointing at the camera? Imagine two hours of that. He's either grinning like a zombie, acting like a bastard to his friends, or doing drugs and women. All while looking like a complete creep. Oh, and why was he wearing eyeliner and a fake mole? If this is supposed to be in 1969, why is there a 2005 Corvette? And an '83 Cougar? And most importantly, with all his obvious creepiness and repulsiveness, why does nearly everywoman want him? He's not charming, he's freaky. He's supposed to be a sociopath, but he comes of as someone who was raised getting everything they want be either bitching constantly or with violence. He's a narcissist, not a sociopath.

See, what makes movies like Natural Born Killers and, hell, even The Devil's Rejects (as much as I hated that one) work is that the killers are interesting because they're frightening. While you felt sorry for Mallory Knox for being molested by her father, you loathed her for being a cruel, sadistic killer. You could almost respect the Firefly family's goal to stay together, if they weren't so batshit crazy and evil. This movie has no emotional connection to the killer, mainly because he's too emotional about himself for no reason other than he is. Beyond that, there is no character development at all, just random softcore porn for the sake of it. If I hadn't rented this from PSN, I'd film myself stepping on it, and then shaving it with an Epilator.

Speaking of Playstation, I've been playing Alpha Protocol pretty much all this week. I was going to do a "First Impressions" article on it, too. Boy, am I glad I didn't. A lot of the times, with my first impressions, I like the game, but it has flaws in the beginning, but it gets better. Alan Wake, for example, seemed too Twin Peaks-ish for me, but believe me, it gets a whole hell of a lot better. Alpha Protocol is the complete opposite. It starts off really good (save for a combat mechanic that takes some getting used to), but towards the end slips down a steep hill of suckitude. There are a few big reasons for this.

1: Bugs galore. Sometimes, you can take cover behind a wall, other times you can't. About 50% of the time that you can, you get stuck on an invisible wall that kills you by slowing you down enough to keep you from moving. It has a habit of crashing (a lot like Haze does).

2: Boss battles are impossibly difficult. I'm in one now where I'm fighting a guy who is sniping me in a tower. Okay. He also can throw five grenades at once. Sure, what ever. And he was in infinite swarm of badguys that spawn to kill you, while he's sniping and tossing grenades at you. To stop them, you have to pick a lock to another tower. But you can't, because you're getting shot at. Another has a boss in a bullet proof glass room. When you get to the door, it seals. Yet, you're supposed to know that the control to open the door is on the ground floor, despite nothing telling you about it. You also have to hack a terminal, all with guys shooting at you, of course. Oh, and they can kill you in two shots, too! Joy.

3: The characters are bland: You have four romance options, and you can do all four in the same game! That'd be great... if they weren't copy and paste characters from, say, Mass Effect. You have SIE, who is basically Jack without tattoos, Scarlet Lake, AKA Miranda without guns, Mina, AKA Tali, and Madison, AKA Liara. Your character sounds like Commander Shepard (and I don't think this is my favorite game in the Citadel). One of the badguys is pretty much Sarin from the first Mass Effect. It worked for that game, mainly because that where the characters come from. The only character that's interesting is Sis, the teenaged bodyguard with dual revolvers. Except, that's all we get from her because she's mute!

4: Stealth? AI ranges from okay to "I CAN SEE FOREVER!" When enemies can see you behind a wall that is blocked by a tall stack of crates, something is wrong.

There are way too many things wrong with it to get into now. I'll have to review. But, needless to say, the game is not that good. Well, I have to prepare for the weekend. I'll keep you all posted!