Horrid Horror Movie Review: Naked Fear

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Let's Nitpick: CSI

9:05: How did a group of armed gunmen get past how many police officers to shoot up the CSI office in a police station?

9:07: Here's some evidence. Let me put my ungloved hand in it! Also, let's defibrillate a guy on a metal gurney! And, no traffic cameras in Vegas? Really?

9:12: After the driver side door is crushed by a van, the dead woman has her arm sticking out of a hole in the middle of the car door. How did it get there? Did the van have a blade on it? Even then, her arm wouldn't be sticking out of it! The door is crushed! Inertia doesn't work like that. Even if there was a hole, her arm wouldn't fit in between the car and the van!

9:16: The ME, after just getting the woman's body, immediately notices she's three months pregnant due to her dilation, without looking. Also, why are the police amazed that the drunk guy survived the car accident?

9:18: The police find a scrap book full of the woman's pictures, complete with a letter written to the guy who made it from the woman. "He wasn't just drunk. He was stalking her!" Yes, because all stalkers get friendly letters from the people they're stalking. Though, the book is disturbing.

9:21: He's trying to kidnap her by killing himself and killing her accidentally. Oh, but its okay! He's out of his coma, so the first thing they do is ask him about what he did. You know, because he wouldn't need any recovery time or anything.

9:23: No traffic cams, but a warehouse a security camera aimed at a public road.

9:25: No traffic cams. Yet, no one noticed the traffic camera placed by the light until the warehouse camera showed it!!!

9:26: Our victim is ID'ed, so let's ID her again. Also, why did she stop in the middle of an intersection if she was on her way to work, and sober?

9:28: The CSI hires a guy who was a Death Doctor. I mean, assisted suicide. Also, seatbelt bruises are invisible until a black light shows them.

9:30: Let's mention something damning to one of the detectives in front of her whole team. That's professional!

9:32: Sidenote: A dangerous Ammonia leak in the local area. Where? No clue, because we'll learn more at 11. Thanks!

9:35: A report says that there is no team unity in the CSI team. Could have fooled me! Watch them argue and not get anything done!

9:36: Why wasn't the guy hurt by the airbag? That's unheard of! Also, a suspect hands you evidence. Don't grab a napkin or handkerchief, use your bare hands to take it!

9:40: When a lawyer asks if you have a warrant for evidence, you better have it, instead of passing it off as if it was nothing that important. Who needs a Warrant?

9:41 "You don't have a case against me with all the evidence that points to me as the killer. Why? Because, the drunk guy confessed." Good luck with that.

....

Wait... that worked?

9:45: Guys with guns burst into a police station, steal a body, and shoot up the place. Who's more effective at fighting them, the police with guns, or the scientist with an artificial leg and a cane? Why, the one legged scientist, of course! Again, though.... how did they get through anyway?! Is the Las Vegas Police Department that bad?

Notice, though, that this scene comes out of nowhere and seems to have fuck-all to do with anything that has been going on for the past forty minutes.

9:48: Now that we killed one of the attackers (Russian Mob), let's put on our bullet proof vests to handle a dead body! On top of that, lets ask why they took the bum from the lab, and not, how did they pass through a police station's security without being noticed!!!

9:51: The lawyer hires the Russian Mob to break into a police station to steal a body that he planted at the crime scene because he didn't want that body found. Senseless step not with standing, why didn't the police all ready examine the body?

9:53: He has clothing fibers in his teeth (after being put through a wood chipper), but the damning evidence is the cufflink in his neck that no one knew was there until after the fact of him being put in a wood chipper. That's when they check the X-Ray!

9:56: Remember kids: When you die, your body is instantly changed to a hollow husk of skin!

Let's Talk About: MPD-Psycho Part 1: Introduction

Welcome to my first in a series of posts talking about Japanese movies, television, and even some Anime, Let's Talk About. Most of you are probably wondering where I came up with the title. Because of that, I thought it fitting to review the series it came from for the first four editions of LTA. That series is none other than MPD- Psycho.

Based on the manga of the same name, MPD- Psycho garnered a small cult following due to its intelligent story telling, fantastic acting, and the small fact that it is a TV show directed by Takashi Miike, director of Ichi the Killer, Gozu, and The Audition. On top of that, the series has one of the best Japanese soundtracks that I, personally, have ever heard.

MPD was a six-part miniseries in Japan on TV, and because of that, Miike's vision of it went censored due to the violent nature of the plot. We're not talking Saw violence, or a woman getting her nipples cut off. We're talking about people with their skulls cut open, corpses being used for bingo, and a guy with an eye on the end of his three foot long tongue. Yeah, that's right, bigger than Gene Simmons'. Anyway, being on TV, the plot could be explored more in depth, and more could be done. For example, each episode begins and ends with an Anime girl, symbolizing a soul that possesses people via cell phone, saying, "Let's talk about (blank)." Usually, its one of the three personalities of the main character, Yosuke Kobayashi. Hence, the title of this series as well.

Coming up soon, due to the fact that, while this is a series, its short enough to do a full series synopsis, I will start writing the review in three parts, two episodes each. Stay tuned!

First Reactions: Alan Wake

There's something to be said about originality these days. Either you have it or you don't. Take a look at today's games, and honestly tell me how original they really are. Seriously. Soldier A in Army B fights Army C. Or they're sequels. Or they're an amalgamation of different games. When Alan Wake was announced as a free-roaming psychological horror game, it got people excited. When the sand box was taken out, the excitement diminished only a little. A psychological horror that isn't Silent Hill? Who isn't going to jump on that?

That being said, the skeptic I am, I wasn't really excited for Alan Wake. I got it anyway (at the behest of my girlfriend, of all things), and I have to say this: I'm glad I wasn't excited. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty good game, and the writing is solid. But, it hit two snags with the writing. Those snags? Twin Peaks and Deadly Premonition. Seriously, if you watched Twin Peaks, and/or played Deadly Premonition, you've played most of Alan Wake. Switch an FBI agent for a writer, and throw in some Max Payne for good measure as well. Luckily, most people have never even heard of Deadly Premonition, which is sad, because that's actually a pretty good game for what its worth (roughly about $15).

Granted, the story is told very well. You'll have manuscript pages telling you what's going to happen, which may seem like spoilers, also adds to the "what the hell" sensation of the game. Sometimes, you just get manuscript pages for another story (one which references a certain NYPD detective who lost his family, and is now making a "Late Goodbye" to them). The story elements are topped off with intense key moments that will leave you breathless. Then, the minor characters start talking, and sometimes, its so cheesy, it hurts. The cliches tend to run very heavy in this game, at least in the first two chapters.

The graphics are beautiful, and the controls are immaculate. Well, nearly. Dodging is, well, hard to manage. You have to stop completely, then dodge, because the dodge button is the same as the run button. Why? Another thing I noticed is that you really don't have to aim to hit anything. Weird, but not game killing.

So far, I am disappointed by the game's story, but its not a bad game. It's polished, but the controls are pretty weird at first. I'll have more on it soon.

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies

A lot of people may not know this, but I have a weakness for surprisingly good horror movies. The first one that caught me pleasantly off guard was the first Wishmaster movie. An evil genie (a Djinn) that grants wishes in twisted ways? The way Andrew Divoff portrayed the Djinn as a mix of charming and psychotic was nearly perfectly balanced. Throw in Angus Scrimm, Tony Todd, and Robert Englund in actually good parts, and you have a classic. It was a good start to a series castwise, and storywise, it had its fair share of cheap scare tactics, but was still written interestingly enough to keep your attention.

Needless to say, sequels were spawned. I know full well that sequels usually aren't as good as the first, but what could one expect from this? How bad could it possibly be? It's not like the kills can get so bizarre that they're bafflingly bad. Right? Right...? Well, let's find out as we tear into Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies.

We start the movie with two art thieves stealing six badly done paintings. One of them sees a diamond in a glass case, and breaks the case, setting off the alarm. Ten seconds into the movie, and all ready our main character proves to be a massive moron. The security guard comes out and immediately starts shooting at the thieves (without any provocation), and accidently hits the statue of Ahura Mazda. By the way, the statue is broken into pieces and rebuilt like a broken vase, despite the first movie ending in which the final wish is that the statue never broke in the first place, thus the Djinn could have never been released. With that in mind, 1: How is the world even in existence figuring that the Djinn would've taken it over? And 2: Figuring a guy found the Opal in the statue and stole it, how the hell is it still in the statue? Did the writers ever stop to think of the first movie aside from casting Andrew Divoff as the Djinn?

Apparently not, but we'll get into that shortly. A thief takes the Opal, and runs. While running, both of the thieves gets shot, and the second one shoots the guard, killing him. She takes off her mask and says that the Opal stopped the bullet. Apparently, its teflon now. It starts to burn her hand, and she drops it, breaking it in half. It can take a bullet, but the floor breaks it... physics much? The first thief tells her to run (by the way, her name is Morgana) because he's going to die. She takes the paintings and runs while the broken Opal sprouts out tentacles and creates a hole in the wall. The Djinn emerges from the organic hole and... what the fuck is that thing? That's not the Djinn! The Djinn is supposed to look like a giant zombie fetus, not a half-assed Boglin. I mean, come on, did the special effects team even watch the original?

The Djinn sees the thief dying, and tells him he can end his suffering. He doesn't respond, so the Djinn offers eternal life, and finally the thief says he wish he was never born. You know, because that would be great for his fellow thief girlfriend. This guy is a selfish twatwaffle. The Djinn grants his wish, turning him from man to fetus to nothing. Thankfully, they skipped the sperm and egg stage. This causes the Djinn to become his adult form, and then his human form, stealing the thief's clothes. The cops come in, and one finds the Djinn and tells him to freeze. Of course, the Djinn freezes him... even though it wasn't a wish. *facepalm* Anyway, it doesn't matter as the Djinn gives himself up to the next cop who arrives. Maybe its because he was tired of watching the frozen cop move despite the fact he's supposed to be frozen and dead.

The news reports that Nathan Demerst, the Djinn, confessed to the robbery and murder, causing Morgana to throw a fit in her apartment filled with pictures of naked women. Keep this in mind for later. The detective interrogates Demerst, but to no avail. This is mainly because Demerst confessed, and the detective doesn't believe Demerst stole the paintings or shot the guard because the paintings and the gun were never found. Wait... didn't both thieves have guns? Anyway, the Djinn is taken out of the room as the detective says that he has the creeps, and does the robot. The Djinn is sent to prison.

Now, lets stop and talk about Andrew Divoff's Djinn in this movie. In the first movie, Djinn was psychotic yet charming. In this movie, though, the same Djinn is portrayed as creepy as shit. He walks around with a psychotic grin, mainly because he has it one constantly, and he's slouching constantly as well. Even worse, he has the same cadence in speech that Isaiah Mustafa uses for the Old Spice commercials. Seriously, for the past few days, I've been joking around, imitating the Djinn doing the "I'm on a horse commercial." This is only exacerbated by something that'll happen later in this movie.

Morgana goes to church and tells her ex-boyfriend, who is now a priest, that she feels guilty for her boyfriend's death, and doesn't understand why Demerst took credit for the robbery. We then see a defining moment in cinema history. Demerst, grinning like a fucking psycho, overhears two men talking. One is upset because his sister called rape on him. Of course, this guy claims that his sister slept with him consensually. And, no, I don't think this is prison slang, mainly because most people don't call a woman their sleeping with their "sister!" Anyway, the other says he's their because the police did an illegal search, and his lawyer didn't catch it. He says he wants his lawyer to go "fuck him self." The Djinn overhears this, talks to the guy, and says he can make it happen. The guy says that he better be playing for real, to which the Djinn retorts, "I only play... 'for real.'" He's not on a horse. As the guards take the guy to see his lawyer, a buff guy and his clones of Bruce Lee twins threaten the Djinn to no avail.

The guy talks to his lawyer, saying that he's going for an appeal because he now knows the search was illegal. While he talks, though, he starts to feel a sudden pain. This causes him to get up, lean on the desk, and make his legs turn backwards as his pants tear. He then, somehow, literally starts to fuck himself in the ass. The inmate asks the lawyer about his case nonetheless. Morgana panics because she can see this.

Father Gregory goes to Morgana's house because his boss said that she was their looking for him. Well... yeah. You just talked to her! Anyway, she tells Gregory that she killed the guard and stole the paintings. Gregory is surprised, but comforts her as she starts talking about the visions she's having. Notice, he's not deterred by the photos of naked women behind her. She decides to see Demerst who tells her he's a Djinn, and he will escape to grant three wishes so he can take over the world. Morgana then goes to the internet to look up Djinns to find out what they do. This is the part where I want to grab her by the neck and kill her. Why? Because, she's just too stupid to breathe! The Djinn told her what he's after. Why's she looking it up? Needless to say, she tells Gregory about this, and he goes to visit the Djinn. Convinced that the Djinn is evil (mainly for hinting that the priest is lusting after Morgana, who looks like the ugly version of Abby from NCIS.

Before this, though, the Djinn makes a deal with a Russian guy that, when the time is right, they'll both escape. This gets him into a fight with the big guy, who wants drugs from the Djinn. He wishes to "get tore up from the floor up," in the whitest voice possible, meaning that the Bruce Lee clones kick his ass. For this, the Djinn gets sent to solitary for a week. When he goes to talk to the priest, he grins like a psycho... still. After the conversation, the Djinn meets with the Russian guy again, only to get in a fight with a guard. The guard wishes to fight the Djinn, causing... well, the Djinn to kill him, takes his body, and leaves with Russian Man.

After finding out that only a pure soul can kill the Djinn, Morgana cuts off her finger. How in the name of Wes Craven does that even work? How did she come to the conclusion that that works? I mean, she even reads that she needs to get the Opal and say some words... my head hurts.

Anyway, after all ready having a wish granted, Russian Man wants another: to be head of the Russian Mob. Instead, the Djinn is tricked into granting the bosses wish for the head of his enemy, Mustafa, thus making Russian Man the head of the mob. The Djinn, only having 200 souls for the 1000 he needs tries to leave for Vegas, but Morgana shoots him. This obviously doesn't work as she has been told how to kill the Djinn, and no where does getting the Opal mean "shoot the Djinn with a revolver." The Djinn leaves, Russian Man says where he's going, and Morgana proceeds to have sex with Father Gregory. Way to commit to that staying pure thing. Hell, way to commit to being a priest.

At Vegas, the Djinn is hired to run a casino instantly. Upon hearing that the Casino wishes everyone the best, the Djinn makes everyone win. He then sits in his office, holding the opal like an oyster with tickets to that thing you love has just turned into it. He's still not on a horse. Morgana and Father Gregory burst in, and Gregory, choosing his words wisely, says "I wish thee back to hell." The Djinn, with Morgana, are now in his realm, and he shows her that Gregory is crucified on a cross. Movie, leave the blasphemy to people who can pull it off. Morgana wishes for Gregory to be set free. Realizing that hell isn't a good place to think, the Djinn takes her back to the casino, and tricks the manager into wishing that the nightmare of a night was over. This causes the casino to go crazy, including cards cutting people into pieces, and a woman defecating quarters because she "crapped out."

The Djinn gets Morgana's second wish, that she missed the guard. Her soul now pure, she reaches out, grabs the Opal in his hand, and says the magic words. He is then sucked into the Opal, never to be seen again.

This movie pisses on the legacy of the first. The acting is awful, the writing is cheesy, and our main character is a complete nimrod who deserves this happening to her.

This is the Window Keeper signing off to-- wait! Did they really have a lawyer fuck himself in the ass?

Review: "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus"

Some of you may not know this, but I'm a movie purist. I watch movies now a days, and think, "Does that really need to be CGI?" Horror movies especially, with the new craze being CGI blood spurts that only flash on the screen for a few seconds and disappear into thin air. It all looks so fake, that it's hard to find a good example of a CGI effect that looks real. It's even worse when a movie that's supposed to transport you to another world is CGI'ed to the point of being a reminder of how fake it is, instead of an enveloping effect.

That's the first, and most important, aspect The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus that I would change. For all my younger readers, Terry Gilliam is know for his fantastical films like The Adventures of Baron Munchaussen and Time Bandits, where most of the special effects didn't need a computer program (save for a few stray ones). In fact, the abundance of "traditional" special effects made the films more immersive than if they were remade today with CGI. Somehow, the pitch black portal of time looks more realistic than a spiral Photoshopped on an image of a door. The Baron and Venus looked more natural dancing in the air by strings than if they were animated. In this movie, the world itself, in its ever changing glory, would look so much better than it does in this movie, if only it were made with camera tricks instead of a 3D Graphics Program.

Despite this, it still looks amazing, yet, no where near what Gilliam has done before. Sadly, this goes for the story and acting as well. These two are related in a sense due to Heath Ledger's untimely death. Here's the trick: ironically, for Heath Ledger's last movie, his character isn't that well developed, nor (sadly) acted. His character, Tony, feels like an amalgamation of Jacob Grimm (from another Gilliam classic, The Brothers Grimm) and the Joker. This is even worse when it seems like his natural Australian accent is fake, even though it isn't. But, despite this, he puts forth a likable charm, and you can understand what he's saying. This is more than I can say about some of the other characters. Christopher Plummer plays the mumbling "guru" Dr. Parnassus. Good luck making out what he's saying half of the time. In his troupe are a young man, Anton, who is only there so the viewer can hate his constant whining over his love for the second young member, Valentina Parnassus, played by the creepy looking Lily Cole. Rounding out this freakish band of players is Verne Troyer as Percy.

Let's talk about Lily Cole first. This woman is not attractive. Seriously, she looks like a creepy doll. Her legs are like chicken's, and the only good shot of her is when she's in nothing but a bra, and the camera is aimed to look at her from her breasts, up. People, having a nice chest does not mean the woman is attractive. Especially when you consider that every man in the movie wants her.

Verne Troyer, more than anyone in this movie's main cast, chews the scenery. I think this is either because he doesn't know when he'll work next, or because he honestly loves to act. He's funny, likable, and way past playing Mini-Me... in a very good way. The other three Tony's, played by (in order) Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Ferrel, are either fun to watch (especially Law who has a shit-eating grin on his face the entire time he's on stilts), or over the top bad. This feels more due to the writing going through a rushed change after Ledger's death. Amazingly, though, it's Ferrel who is the most underwhelming, even though he's the only one who managed to get Ledger's mannerisms down. Depp does a more than decent job, and actually portrays the shock of being someone else finding out that they changed shape very well. And Law... well, he's just fun to watch in this.

The story opens with low expectations, but picks up when you find out that Parnassus made a deal with the Devil for love. Parnassus has to give the Devil his daughter on her 16th birthday, but makes a wager that may save her soul. Unfortunately, the Devil seems to be nothing more than the mutated son of John Malkovich and Jerry Stiller, and acts like either a goofball, or a silent movie villain. The plot also serves as nothing more than to force the CGI scenes of Parnassus's mind, which are themselves pretty forced as well. Unlike Gilliam's past efforts, this movie feels less like natural plot progression, and more of "look what we can do now."

That being said, I did like this movie, despite all of its flaws. The CGI is jarring, the acting is ranging from subpar to excellent, but there is no denying that the movie is an experience of its own. I just think that it could be better, and would be better if it was done back in the mid 1980's.

I give it 4 out of 6 imaginations.

My Personal Thoughts About The Stupidity of Atheists Arguing Against God.

I had a thought today. It's not something that comes up everyday, but it is something to think about if you're religious. Hell, even if you're not. A lot of Atheists don't know how to argue that there is no God.

I mean, think about it. There could be one possible way to deter someone from thinking there is, but Atheists avoid it like the plague. Instead, this happens:

Atheist: There's no God.
Christian: How can you say that? Look at nature?
Atheist: Yeah. It's natural for nature to occur. (Based on "logic" that was presented to me.)

Well, of course it's natural, you ninny. IT'S NATURE! The counter-argument will almost always be, "That's how God intended it to be." The Christian will be secure in his faith, and the Atheist may think that he won the argument. Either way, neither side had gone anywhere. No mountains have been moved, nor lakes drained.

If an Atheist wants to prove there is no God, he should find a photographer. He would blindfold the photographer, give him a camera, and point the camera for the photographer at the subject. The subject is so horrible, that the photographer has to be blindfolded for this to work, so hopefully you have a technically competent Atheist. You then print the picture, and show it to the said lab rat. The picture is so horrifying that he/she'll vomit for days, and not be able to eat anything for months. That picture is one of his/her grandparents having sex. It can't be just random old people, they have to be his or her grandparents. Because nothing is more disturbing than seeing a picture of your grandmother's now floppy breasts (and other assorted fat deposits and wrinkles) sloshing about as your grandfather goes at it.

Now, perhaps, I have this wrong, too. You may also have someone look at the picture who isn't traumatized. That person will look at the picture, and say, "Well, this is actually a thing of beauty, that these people love each other so much, that they continue to show it in this manner. I wish to love someone that much that when we're this old, we could be as in love as this couple." When that happens, several Atheists heads will turn around. They may also think, "Oh, crap, this bit us in the ass." They may also think, "Well, we need to try harder."

The biggest problem is that Atheist argue to the wrong people. I heard a story from a Chaplain of an Atheist telling a man that God didn't exist. The man was of faith, and had given the last of his money for the month to help feed the people of Haiti after the earthquake. The man didn't have money to buy food nor pay his bills. Yet, the man turns to the Atheist, and says, "I disagree. God will find a way to help me through this." Two months later, the man hadn't starved, and he kept his home. He was still breathing, and living a healthy life, thanks to people taking care of him (families who didn't know him bought dinner for him for a reason you'll soon find out why.)

The next month, the Atheist finds the man in a church. The man asks, "Do you still think God isn't real?"

The Atheist replies, "Yes, Reverend. But, I can't argue with you."

Why argue with a person whose faith is so strong that they sacrifice their last penny for people across the globe, that he'll never meet? Conversely, why argue with someone whose lack of faith is so strong that they'll try to convince the previous person that God doesn't exist? All its going to get you is nothing. And if you get doubt, than your faith of whatever side you're on wasn't that strong in the first place.

Keep in mind, I'm writing this as a man who believes in God. If my faith was as strong as the Reverend's in the story, I'd have it made in the shade.