Horrid Horror Movie Review: Dread

You know, sometimes, I can imagine how people come up with a plan to make movies based on Clive Barker's ideas. They'd read his books, and think, "This would look awesome on the big screen!" Sometimes, it works fantastically. Other times, it works without the audience knowing it's Clive Barker, but is still awesome. There are times where the movie looks bad, but turns out surprisingly good. And there are movies that are just plain bad, that should make Barker, himself cry when he sees them. This, my loyal readers, is none of them. This is a movie that honestly had a good build up, only to shift gears to "What the flying fuck" territory faster than Stephen King's next "Best Seller" can be written out of the blue. For people who say that Saw is "Torture-Porn," you don't know what that is until you watch this movie. This movie is painful, both in how bad and how cruel it is. Keep that in mind as we tear in to Clive Barker's Dread.

Some background, as far as I can tell, this is actually a movie based on a short story from The Books of Blood. Due to the story being relatively short, the writer added more plot, including a subplot with one of the most charming characters Clive Barker himself has ever written: Abby. A variation of this character was written by Barker as a dedication to a friend he had. The friend killed herself, sadly, and as such, the character, as a dedication to her memory, actually had a happy ending. We'll get back to that later, and back to Abby as well.

The movie starts with our main character, Steve, smoking a cigarette after his philosophy class. He meets Quaid, an older college student, who immediately befriends Steve. After some talking, they go to a bar, where Steve tells Quaid why he's anal retentive about riding in cars and keeping a tight schedule. When Steve was fifteen, him and his brother snuck into a bar, and his brother drank too much. His brother gets involved in a fatal crash, but because Steve was late to get a ride, he survived. He punishes himself by keeping a fixed schedule, and has a phobia of riding in cars.

The next we see Steve is at his work place. He works at the school library with Abby. Steve knows Abby has a crush on him, but two things hold him from saying "yes" or "no" to her. The first is that he does kind of like Abby, but likes another girl in his class more. The second, and the big reason I'm making a big deal about her character, is that he doesn't want Abby to think that he doesn't find her attractive because of the birthmark that covers half of her body. This is why the character had a happy ending in the story; Barker's friend committed suicide because of Body Dismorphic Disorder caused by a birthmark that covered half of her body. Abby has a similar problem, which is interesting when you look at her. Abby is actually really, really cute. There's even an IMDB thread that reinforces this. What's funny is that when researching this movie, I was actually disappointed to find that the actress who portrays her, Laura Donnelly, doesn't have that birthmark. Now, with what I just said, we can assume Abby's fate, right? Place your bets, because I may have spoiled her happy ending.

That night, Quaid has a nightmare of his fear. His parents were killed by an axe murderer. When he wakes up, he starts to cook up an idea. The next day, he finds Steve in the library, and tells him to meet him at a club. Before he leaves, he looks at Abby, and says, "Cool birthmark." Abby rolls her eyes, and comments that Quaid is a jerk. Steve goes to meet Quaid, and they talk about what Steve's thesis project should be: interviewing people and pin-pointing where and when their fears started to recapture that feeling of dread. Steve agrees, and they leave with two women. Steve wakes up to a woman moaning. He sees Quaid orally pleasuring his "girlfriend", but is distracted by a woman straddling him.

This scene has no purpose on paper--er... film. Actually, you'd think that, except there's a formula for Clive Barker movies and books. That is for every 1.5 violent scenes, there must be a gratuitous sex scene. This movie has this scene and one later that's much, much more risque. Seeing as this is a Barker movie, it's safe to say that this is normal, and, dare I say, expected.

Steve meets with Cheryl, our movie within a movie's editor, and Steve's love interest. This is curious, because she looks like Lacey Mosely had a kid with Lyle Lovett. Abby is looking even better in comparison to Cheryl. Steve goes to tell Quaid, who is painting a naked woman. As the news is received, "Rusted Wheel" by the Silversun Pickups starts playing over a montage of the three preparing to interview. Great song... except the sound editor fell asleep. The three minute montage ends, and the song (which is six minutes) plays over the first series of interviews. Not like we missed a whole hell of a lot. Two people talk about getting gonorrhea and a gay (seriously) goth teen talks about his first sexual encounter. I get it, movie! You're a Clive Barker movie, now move past that sex!

The trio is more than a little annoyed that they found no one with a good story, which causes Quaid and Steve to get in a fight. Cheryl stops them, and requests that they interview her. As it turns out, Cheryl is afraid of her father due to the fact that he worked at an abattoir, and he came home bloody and smelling of iron and death. Most of you are thinking, "Why didn't he shower?" right? Well, it's actually simple. Cheryl was raised in the country, and the slaughterhouse was on their farm. Because she associates her dad with death, she's afraid of him. This is also why she's a vegetarian. Earlier, we see her ribbing Steve about his burger, and he puts it in front of nose. She takes it as a joke, and mentions here that she isn't afraid of meat. Keep this in mind, folks.

After another day of unsuccessful interviewing, Steve and Cheryl meet Joshua, a teen who, after losing his hearing for a month due to chicken pox, is afraid of sensory deprivation. Quaid says to use him for the study. Abby meets Steve, and asks to be in the study as well, on the condition that Steve meet her at her place alone. He agrees, and when he goes over, finds a picture of Abby's sister, who is "normal." As Abby talks about why she's afraid of being alienated, she mentions that she's ashamed of her birthmark. Steve interjects that she shouldn't be, causing Abby to smile, and show him how deep the birthmark goes. She strips to her underwear, and kisses Steve, but Steve tells her it wouldn't be right, because his heart is elsewhere. Abby kicks him out, embarrassed and irritated.

This is where the movie goes downhill faster than a lead wheel. See, up until this point, we knew Quaid was a creepy asshole, Steve is the typical loner and, yet, a pretty good guy, Abby is self-conscious, and Cheryl is... um... Cheryl. Quaid finds out that Steve jilted Abby, and tells her to stop feeling sorry for herself. Instantly, even though she has addressed to hating Quaid twice, she goes to the goth club with him, offers to pose nude for him (in the condition that she be painted normal), and then has sex with him. She hates how she looks, and yet, is comfortable enough to sleep with a guy she is creeped out by, full well knowing that he's taking advantage of her. Also, keep in mind that Quaid is an evil bastard, and has been filming these events the whole damn time. Want to change those Abby's fate bets, yet?

The three interview a goth girl. Another? What the hell is with all the goths? Anyway, Quaid gets frustrated because the girl is lying. To prove this, he strangles her, then rips a fake scar off of her neck. Cheryl argues with Quaid, who then promptly breaks the camera and the computer with the videos with a baseball bat. Cheryl yells at Steve... for some reason, and leaves. Quaid, being the classy guy he is, asks if Steve did Cheryl yet, and even hints at sleeping with Abby, saying that "Cheryl must be the quiet one. What does she sound like when she comes?" Steve does what we're all thinking by now, and punches Quaid in the face. Quaid wallows in sorry by going to a strip club... but is terrified when he starts to hallucinate that the strippers are killed by an axe murderer.

The next day, Steve finds out that his thesis passed, despite not being able to turn it in. Ends up that Quaid turned it in, and asks Steve to get in the car to apologize. Steve does, and Quaid moves on to the next stage of his plan: make people live there fears. Otherwise known as crowning himself God of the Douchebags. He starts to speed up, and drink from a flask, until Steve steers the car, forcing Quaid to stop. Steve gets out, calls Quaid an asshole, and walks home. Meanwhile, Cheryl finds her computer in Quaid's house, but a bulb burns out. She goes to Quaid's studio where she find the pictures of strippers he's painted, all of them with fresh axe wounds on them. Quaid sneaks up on her, and asks her to be part of his study. Oh, he also finds Joshua. He puts cups over his ears, then puts a gun by both of Joshua's ears, firing it to blow his eardrums up, making him deaf. He dumps Joshua in an alley, saying that he failed his test.

Steve can't get a hold of Cheryl, but runs into Abby who apologizes for her behavior, but admits she's not giving up on Steve. Despite bumping uglies with Quaid for no good reason. They walk to get some lunch together when they see a crowd watching Quaid's tape of him painting and having sex with Abby. The last part is him painting the birthmark on Abby, holding up signs that say, "THIS IS YOUR REALITY! YOU WILL NEVER BE NORMAL!" Now, who didn't see this coming? Really? If you didn't, bash your head a few times with an open palm. Abby, of course, feeling horrible, blames Steve. Wait... what? How could Steve even film that when she knows he wasn't there? Anyway, Steve finds and punches Quaid, again, telling him to stay away from Abby. On the ride back, Abby calls Steve with an ominous message: "Would you love me i I was normal like my sister?"

Money on the tables, my peeps? Here's when we find out about Abby's fate! As Steve rushes to her room, Abby strips down and hops in a bathtub. She takes a Brillo pad to her birthmark, scrubbing the layers of skin off, then bleaches them. After scrubbing the skin off of half of her body, she then stumbles through her dorm, still naked, leaving a blood trail, despite the fact that she'd be burned and in shock, if not dead from the bleach going into a massive open wound. Steve finds her, and stays with her, even in the hospital where she lies comatose. Go back and read my intro to this movie, keeping in mind who Abby is based on. Now, consider this: Clive Barker produced this movie. Isn't this kind of fucking heartless? Why did he agree to this fate for a character he based on someone he cared about? Sure, he's only a producer, but he has creative control over his characters as well seeing as he wrote them in the first place! It's bad enough that Abby threw herself at Quaid for no good reason, this makes it all to more senseless and disgusting.

Steve has had enough, but is spotted by Joshua. Despite having massive ear injuries, Joshua gets up and follows Steve to Quaid's house. Steve bashes Quaid's door in with an axe, but decides killing Quaid isn't worth it. Too bad, because Quaid knocks Steve out, and ties him to a chair. He then shows what happened to Cheryl. Quaid locked Cheryl in a room with a piece of meat. The only way she can leave is if she eats the meat. As the days go by, and the meat rots, Quaid mentions that the meat is fresh, never touched by flies, and the room is cleaned. He also points out that when Cheryl confronts the meat, she yells at Quaid via camera. For some reason, Quaid sees her coming on to him. Sure... why not. After showing that the meat is completely rotted, with maggots crawling out (despite not having contact with insects), Cheryl eats the meat. If Saw is torture porn, than this is like watching your parents, family, significant other, who ever you care about die a slow, painful, agonizing death for no reason. In Saw, lessons of the value of life are "being taught" to the victims. In this, people are being tortured because they either don't fit in with society, or because Quaid can torture them. What's sicker?

Also, what happened to Cheryl not being afraid of meat? They made such a big deal about it, then they reversed it out of the blue? Wouldn't it make more sense to put her in a room full of monitors of slaughterhouses? Or maybe a constant loop of the beginning of Uwe Boll's Seed?

Quaid is about to let Steve look around the house for Cheryl, and let him go free, when he hears a sound. Quaid goes downstairs, and Steve breaks the chair to escape. Following Quaid, he cuts himself free in the kitchen, grabs the knife, and stalks Quaid until... Joshua hits Steve in the chest with an axe. As far as shocks go, this is pretty stupid. Even if Joshua could over come his dizziness to walk over to Quaid's, how did he hear where Steve and Quaid were? You see, Joshua was out of eye line of the two, which means he absolutely had to have heard them moving. Needless to say, Quaid shoots Joshua in the back of the head, over coming his fear. He then watches Steve die, drags is body downstairs, and throws him, and knife, towards Cheryl, saying, "How long will it take you to eat that." Thus, the movie ends.

Late Fee made me feel ashamed of watching it. This makes me feel guilty. The horror aspect is nothing more than a bully being cruel for the sake of being cruel. Most of the characters, especially Steve and Abby, are acted really well, but feel out of place mainly because they weren't characters in the story in the first place (in the story, Steve's character was actually Joshua's character in the movie). And watching the victims of this overbearing bully makes you think that your time isn't better spent elsewhere. He treats his friends like dirt, he uses a woman who needs to be loved (and believe me, if I were Steve, I'd go after Abby, not Cheryl), and he acts like a mean kid with a magnifying glass. This may be what they director was after, but that doesn't make it scary; it just makes it vulgar.

For now, this is the Window Keeper, signing off to do better things than watch people get bullied around. Like baking a pretty cake.

"The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day" Review

So, the Empress and I just saw The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day last night. Before I say anything about it, I just want to say that I loved the first movie. I saw a part of it in Fort Hood, and I just had to sit down and watch it. The casting, the direction, how the story was told through a combination of flashback profiling and heartfelt (if not disturbingly violent) narrative and even brotherly comedy. As far as vigilante movies go, the first Boondock Saints took the cake on making it fresh.

Now, that being said: Troy Duffy, what the hell happened? The direction is full of bad cuts, for one. There were quite a few scenes (especially in the beginning) where something would happen, and right in the midst of it, the action would cut out to an entirely different scene, before the scene before seemed to have ended. I still can't tell you what the MacManus brothers saw in Romeo as a sidekick, because they show them watching him in a fight, cut to the police, then throughout the rest of the movie, they tease him, and make him look useless (save for the last fight).

Willem Defoe couldn't play Smecker in this one (until the end of the movie, but that's all I'll say), so we're treated to Julie Benz as Special Agent Eunice Bloom, who is essentially Paul Smecker with a vagina, and no inhibitions to say "fuck" for no reason. She does the same profiling techniques as Smecker, and even does not one, but two variations of the famous "THERE WAS A FIRE FIIIIIIIIGHT!" scene from the first movie. This is completely unnecessary, especially the second time where she's dressed as a cowgirl. The second this happened, I felt my brain snap. Her character is poorly acted, complete with a fake Southern Drawl that makes her sound like an amateur child actress.

Then there's the rest of the minor cast. Romeo... yeah, let's start with him. He's useless, even as a sidekick to replace Rocco. The one line he has that's funny is written as being bad, then over ridden with a worse line that everyone loves. Of course, it's Bloom who inspires his second line. In a flashback. The bad guy is bland... well, bad guys. I'll have to admit, though, I did like the attempt of bringing Il Ducce's past back to the present, but the execution felt entirely rushed. And then, there's the short killer who framed the Saints by killing a Priest in there style. Not clever. In fact, it was stupid. The fat guy in the speedo was even worse.

I have to admit, the brothers are still written well. There's a scene after Romeo meets with his uncle that cracked me up especially. Romeo's crying in his car, and Murphy tries to change the subject. It ends up like this:

Murphy: Anybody else hungry? I could go for something... maybe IHOP--

Conner: Shuuuuuut up! *pause* Romeo's crying!

It's pulled off in true MacManus Bros. style. Unfortunately, for being there movie, it seems like they're over shadowed by Il Ducce's past, Romeo's crybaby-ness, and Eunice's "cleverness." When the brothers are left alone, they're fantastic, but in scenes with other people, they feel suffocated. Even in the very end (which I'm not going to spoil), they seemed pale in comparison to what was going on. In speaking of the ending, the first movie was good because it was open and closed. The sequel was uncertain, so it was a self-contained story, with potential to do an other story. This ends on a cliffhanger that builds you up, making you think that the movie isn't over, then abruptly ends. That was a the cherry topping on the top of the let down cake.

This was a severe disappointment, especially after the first movie. I'm glad I rented it instead of buying it, because I really don't think its worth watching again. Just look up the good parts on Youtube. They'll be easy enough to find; they'll look like the first movie, but the Roman Numeral "II" will be in the video.

I give this movie 2 out of 6 sets of angry Irish twins.

The Summer Movies of 2010

Hey all! Just taking some time off from working on my next Horrid Horror Movie Review (no clue what it's going to be yet, but the one's I've mentioned before are coming) to let you all know my thoughts about some of the upcoming movies for the summer, as well as one that is all ready out. Some of you may know that I love going out to see a movie, especially on a day when the theaters are empty. Figuring that Blockbuster season is around the corner, maybe something will peak my interest?

Movie #1: Kick-Ass

I adamantly refuse to see this movie, and for a few reasons, and all of them revolve around either the cast, or (unusually) the violence. I find the cast not only completely unlikable, but unbearably bad at acting. It's the same reason I almost didn't see Zombieland: I can't stand Jesse Eisenburg. With Kick-Ass, though, it's Hit-Girl that kills it for me. The way I was raised, if I said some of things she says in that movie at that age, I would have a bar of soap down my throat faster than Sonic the Hedgehog can run to a Skyline from another Skyline just across the street. Then there's the moral complexity of if a 11 year old girl is kicking your ass, is it right to beat her within an inch of her life. Yeah, child abuse is really what I want to see in my movie. I don't care if she's beating the hell out of you, it's not right to nearly kill a kid that a grown up could easily subdue. Oh, then they give her guns. Smart, we live in a society where children are shooting each other up, and this movie makes light of it by giving a foul-mouthed brat a gun. This is supposed to be funny? I'm not laughing.

Movie #2: The Losers

I almost wanted to see this movie, only because Jeffery Dean "The Comedian" Morgan was in it. I mean, the man is badass, yet likable when He needs to be. In Supernatural, he sells his soul to his worst enemy to save his son's life. What's his next move after that? Playing the superhero everyone loves to hate: The Comedian in Watchmen. He did it with such vigor and emotion, that the audience both hated him, but felt sorry for him. Now, he's playing Clay in the movie adaptation of "The Losers?" I'm sold!

That is until we're treated to Zoe Saldana playing Aisha al-Fadhil. A "Latina" actress that looks, if anything, African American, playing an Afghani rebel. Right, you even forgot the eyebrow piercing, too. So, you have the token "hot girl" (for the record, I don't find Saldana attractive, she looks CGI'ed). What next? Oh, of course she has to strip down and have sex with one of the team members for no reason! Why not? You can't get her race right, go ahead and make her a completely different character! Don't write her under the pretense that its the same character when the only thing the same is the name. Finally, the stupid comedy in the trailer killed it. "I'mma shoot you!" *points and snaps fingers as two guards fall dead. Camera zooms in on a sniper across the street* Cue laugh! Where I saw this at, it was cue the eyeroll.

Movie #3: A Nightmare on Elm Street

I will see this, only to see how different it will be from the original. I loved the original. Robert Englund is perfect as Freddy, and it was written scary enough that it does crawl under your skin. It didn't need CGI or lighting so dark, you can't tell who's who. This one seems to rely on all of those, though. We also get another Watchmen alum, Jackie Earl Hayley, playing Freddy. This time, Freddy sounds like Rorschach, and seems to act like him, too. At least he was different in Shutter Island.

Movie #4: The Expendables

"Stallone, Willis, and Schwartzenegger walk into a room," used to be the start of a Hollywood joke. This movie makes it happen. Sure, it looks cheesy and dumb, and Stallone looks like mashed potatoes on steroids, but that's what action movies are supposed to be. Also, look at the bad guys. Eric Roberts? He's always smarmy and dirty looking to the point that I want to punch him in the face. Steve Austin? I want to see him get his ass handed to him. But, the one guy who will take the cake: David Zayas as the evil dictator. David Zayas plays the likable detective Angel Batista on the show Dexter. It's the only thing I've seen him in, and I can't imagine him playing the bad guy. I said the same thing about Gary Oldman, too, but The Book of Eli made me eat those words. This might mean that David Zayas will be evil enough to save this movie.

Movie #5: Predators

I'm a fan of the Predator series. So you better believe I'll see this. Derek Mears as a Predator should be awesome (especially after watching him in both The Hills Have Eyes movies). But, there's something off about this movie... something that makes me laugh every time I see the trailer. This movie expects us to take Adrian Brody and Topher Grace seriously as tough guys. The second I saw Adrian Brody with a chaingun, I busted out laughing. He looks scared that it's going to rip his arms off-- hell, he always looks scared! And Topher Grace, as we all know, played Venom in Spider-Man 3. You know, because Venom is now a beanpole. If either of them survive in this movie, expect an angry review... unless it's actually really good anyway.

Movie #6: The A-Team

I love it when a plan comes together. This was not my plan, though. Liam Neeson is awesome, but the role of John "Hannibal" Smith seems too far above him. George Peppard had that calm insanity that Neeson can't even come close to. Bradley Cooper as Templeton "Faceman" Peck. Really? He looks like an alien, even in Midnight Meat Train. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as B.A. Baracus. B.A. should not use words like "homey." I also find having "PITY" tattooed on one hand and "FOOL" on the other utterly corny, especially for a "serious, gritty" movie. I have a feeling that Rampage has something to do with Mr. T turning down a cameo, even just a little bit. I will give credit where it's due, though. Sharlto Copey seems like the only cast member who knows his character. From what I've seen, he's awesome as H.M. Murdoch.

I know there's some I forgot, and I'll get back to those. And no, they aren't Twilight or Sex and the City 2, either. God, people... I'm not that mentally damaged... yet.

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Late Fee

You must be joking. There is no way this movie is seriously real. Just no way at all. I mean... I watched it, but it had to be a nightmare. There is no way in hell that this movie exists, because if it does, than I'm just going to have to buy it so I can send to Roger Ebert. If he thought Silent Hill and The Hills Have Eyes were bad, he needs to see this piece of shit. ...SON OF A BITCH!!! Well, fine, movie. We can have it this way. I'll review you, but I'm going to at least listen to something that will make this all the more tolerable. *Puts in Evans Blue's The Pursuit Begins When This Portrayal of Life Ends* Yeah, movie, I'm busting out the Evans Blue... what are you going to do now?

Before we tear into this piece of crap, let me put up a "disclaimer" of sorts. There are things, both in this movie and review, that will happen that will deter some of my readers. One instance, which we'll get into later, is so disturbing and disgusting that if it wasn't done so horribly bad, I wouldn't be writing this review. I said in my last review that I hit a run with some movies where they can't be made fun off because they're actually good or because the horror scenes are, even in context of the bad movie, done and written to a point where they actually are disgusting and disturbing enough to not be bad. I sited the movie Amusement in both of these. The climax of it has two women chained up, one on either side of a room, both of them cut open, organs spilling out. The killer prods one of them, teasing the final girl with the soon to happen death. This goes on for quite a few minutes, and is actually nauseating to watch, until the twist is revealed. Because of this, though, the twist is surprisingly effective. Late Fee has a few moments like this... one in particular, but they fall flight due to being pulled off incredibly badly. With out further ado...

We begin our movie with a couple who are never named. Even in the credits, they're credited as "Boy" and "Girl" despite the fact that she looks like a Bulimic Tory Lane and he looks like Brian Posehn. What a couple, a porn star and a nerd comic... only in this movie. They go to the video store late on Halloween night, trying to find some actually scary horror movies. This is where the never mention a better movie rule gets broken. In the background, we several Anime titles, as well as Tokyo Gore Police, Wicked Lake, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead (Original), The Number 23 (seriously, that movie is better than this shit), and finally, Terror Toons. Yes... Terror Toons is better than this, mainly because the writers of that one knew the idea was poorly executed. This movie actually tries to be serious. Anyway, the manager, dressed as the Devil, reluctantly lets them in, despite his party, full of people dressed as monsters, has started. The couple finds two movies, Damnation and The Pick-Up. The devil won't let them rent them, unless they sign a contract in blood saying that they have to return the movies by midnight.

They go home to some trick or treaters wanting candy. The Girl throws it at them, then berates them for some reason. As they sit down to watch The Pick-Up, the doorbell rings, but it is actually no one. Before we get into the first "movie" let me point out that the room is littered with posters for The Audition, Zombi 2, and Ichi the Killer. In fact, they liked Ichi so much that they have two posters. And seven Zombi 2 posters, too. Dear me, I think I heard Takeshi Miike scream in anger out of him having two movies referenced, and still beat out by Zombi 2. I know I did. The movie begins with a woman walking on the highway, and being picked up by a nerdy looking guy. After bickering about her smoking and not being a red head all while hinting that he's going to kill her, they drive to a hotel where a guy that looks like Timothy Stack but acts like a bad Jim Carrey impersonator directs the car into a parking spot. This guy tries so hard to be funny that the director decides to show every thing he does twice. Maybe it was pity, because I have no idea why this Dick's even in this movie.

The hotel manager explains that the room is meant for the man's pleasure, and he should not worry because he'll personally attend to the man's DNA. The manager was a hair short of saying "I will clean your *** for free! By the way, does the audience get the point that she's a hooker and this guys going to fuck her then kill her?" The man goes inside, tells the woman not to worry about the fantasy, and to just get ready. He undresses, and opens his suitcase, showing such killing implements as a set of knives and a rubber dildo. She comes out, and seduces him... but he requests that the lights be turned off. Meanwhile, the manager watches via peephole, and bars the door shut.

The guy is getting ridden, and decides to turn on the light. He sees that the woman's legs are actually tentacles, cue the song "Spiderpussy" by Pornosonic (yes, that's Ron Jeremy in a band). Cue disturbing, yet very badly done scene # 1. She reaches inside her self, and pulls out if penis, throwing it in an ice bucket... all while it's still erect and not bleeding. Oh, and she's still boinking him. The next morning, she talks to the manager, only to find that two guys are lost and need directions. She goes with them while the manager cleans the body up by putting it in a bag and tossing it just a mile away from the highway, and right next to the escort the guy was actually supposed to get. You know, Dexter uses a boat and the ocean to hide bodies, and he was never caught. He even had James Doakes to frame... sort of.

The intermission is Girl saying how the woman is awesome because she killed a guy who bought her for sex, and he deserved it. Umm... okay... what about the fact that he planned to fucking kill her?! Seriously, something I learned when reviewing Teeth: not every woman, feminist or not, wants to see guys get a penectomy. Why do horror writers think that's a woman's dream? Anyway, the doorbell rings again, but its no one. Boy orders a pizza, and then they watch Damnation. Okay, so its not the game... but its almost as bad. Well, the game is almost as bad as this short.

Here we meet Justine, the first character to get a name in this movie. While driving home for her child's birthday, she gets pulled over by Elsa, She Wolf of the Highway Patrol. Elsa arrests her for some reason, then searches the car. Finding nothing, she punches the cake. Stephanie is so gonna have to choke a bitch. Justine is drugged, then awoken by a hose. She is then taken to a judge, who is surprised that she has no defense. Justine, being the moron she is, doesn't realize that courts have people that clean the building, and that this is actually a warehouse, chews out the judge, despite Elsa slightly nudging her every so often to stop her. Oh, lest I forget, Elsa and the judge (and the doctor later on) are played by the same three people from the last short! Anyway, the judge sentences Justine to death, and she is put in a cell where the woman next to her wakes her up by doing Justine's hair.

Elsa lays down the rules, which Justine breaks immediately by yelling at Elsa. Elsa then says that the Warden has come for an inspection. When he shows up, Elsa searches Eugenie (the cell next door) for contraband. This is when we find out that she's pregnant. Elsa searches Justine... meaning she repeatedly rubs Justine's breasts. This wouldn't be funny except that Justine is the anorexic spitting image of Lisa Ann. For those of you curious as to why I've been referencing porn stars (this is the fourth one on this blog), its not what you think. Lisa Ann is infamous as the porno version of Sarah Palin (which, I heard about from a friend before finding out on CNN). Everyone knows Ron Jeremy. Regan Reese was suggested as a reference for one of my characters, Gomorrah, by a friend of mine. And Tory Lane... well, I have Playboy to thank for that, and even then, that's not what you think it is. Anyone who knows me knows this, too. Just look at my Deviant Art, and you'll know. Besides, I'm sure this movie knows them, too, because the scene ends with Eugenie and Justine in the shower. Eugenie asks for some soap, and the Warden hands it to them. Oh, and the Warden is the hotel manager... again!

The next day, Eugenie is taken to a doctor. As she's strapped in, Elsa and the Warden decide Justine's fate. The Doctor flips a switch, causing the female version of the Claudio Sanchez to come out, naked, and sniff around Eugenie's crotch. Cue disturbing yet badly done scene # 2. Eugenie appears eight months pregnant. The feral woman reaches inside Eugenie and pulls out a fetus that appears two months old. Why is Eugenie so big then? Hell, she mentioned earlier in the movie that she was giving birth in two weeks! Now, this isn't all. Brace yourselves, folks. Feral woman realizes that the fetus isn't suckling, so she gets angry, bites the umbilical chord, then eats the fetus before crawling back to her hole.

Reread that if you really want to, but I ain't typing that shit again. A lot of horror films have themes that are meant to bring awareness out on topics. The big example is Friday the 13th being a stand against teens drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sex. Wishmaster had a theme of "don't wish your life away." Hell, even Leprechaun has an antitheft moral. So, what is this, an anti-abortion moral? Out of the blue? Did they think this was effective? Let me put it this way: for the record, the last I checked, this is America, and I can say this. I'm Pro-life, but at the same time, I understand that there are circumstances where this isn't a black and white topic. Abortion has been an ethical gray area for most. You have the extremist pro-lifers that say that a mother who will die giving birth should die because she led a full life (yes, I heard this argument in an Ethics class) or that there's always adoption in the case of not wanting a baby, not being ready for one, or even rape victims who get pregnant. You have others who say that we should protect women's reproductive rights and let women have abortions for no reason. Granted, again, these are both the extreme cases, and there are some in the middle.

Now, here's where I get off, and say that people need to pull their heads out of their asses and think for themselves. I know I have. I was raised to respect all life, born and unborn. Circumstances involving people I know and care about have only enforced this. I've known women who were told they weren't going to have children, and they did anyway. I know at least one woman who found out that they may not be able to have children, but tried everything possible just so they could raise a family. It's because of these people that I take the Pro-Life stand, but it's also because of the unusual circumstances of a mother who may die if she goes full term, or a rape victim who can't support a child nor afford to put one up for adoption that reminds me that I can't judge those who feel it necessary. That, and the fact that I am a man, and I can't bear children.

That being said: HOW THE FUCK IS THIS A MESSAGE ABOUT ABORTION? Sure, Feral Woman rips the baby from the womb, but eating it? It's jarring an senselessly disgusting.

Moving on, Elsa grabs Justine, gussies her up, and sends her for a weekend with a smarmy guy. Smarmy-Man tells Justine that he's going to help her. Oh, one little, minor thing: on the way out, Justine hits the switch that let's Feral Woman out, who promptly kills the doctor, then Elsa and the Warden (who are practicing BDSM while saying that it's ironic that Justine's tracking device went off due to her sentence being "Liberation"). The Smarm-King puts Justine in a room with a porno director and photographer, who start to film a scene were Senor Satanico (...yeah.. Mr. Satan) cuts her up with a chainsaw. Captain Smarm shoots them, and takes Justine to Hollywood where her story will be told. She injects her arm with a sedative (her arm having huge, infected holes from when she was injected before) and the short ends.

Boy and Girl hear the doorbell, and Boy gets it. Thankfully, it's the pizza, but it also makes Girl realize that it's past midnight. Boy realizes just then that the pizza guy was the devil from the video store wearing the costume with a pizza boy hat. Really, movie? The guy wears the devil costume everywhere? Devil and his gang of cronies barge in, break the couples DVD's and stab them with the shards. Well, all except the Wolfman who takes his wang out and pees on everything. The movie ends with the devil putting the movie of the couples' deaths out on shelves and renting it to a little boy (listed as "Little Boy" in the credits), then laughing maniacally.

You can't see it, but I'm hanging my head in shame. I'm ashamed of actually watching this piece of shit. Even Terror Toons and Carnivore-- hell, even Cthulhu didn't make me feel this ashamed. I feel like I punched a puppy while juggling kittens and singing "Baby Got Back" in five part harmony with a cacophony of Lacey Mosely impersonators shrilly whine "You Are Dead" over and over again.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to watch Terror Toons, in order to wash this horrible piece of shit from memory.

"DANG DANG TEWWOW TOONS!"

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Hatchet

Wow... Just... Wow... Where to begin with this movie. Never before have I seen people fall so low as to be in an "Indie" horror movie that is so bad, people call it a comedy... and the comedy even falls flat. The only reason anyone laughs at this movie is because its stupid as hell. For those of you expecting a horror/comedy, steer clear of this schlock. This is the Window Keeper--

Wait, what? You want me to talk about this movie? You're joking, right? How much punishment do you think I can take? I reviewed Terror Toons for you people, and still, that isn't enough? Okay... fine. Let's look at the movie that kills not one, but three horror icons' careers: Hatchet.

We start the movie with two red necks, an adult man and his father played by Robert Englund. Robert Englund as a red neck... You know, cause the first time wasn't bad enough, he had to do it again! This was made before Jackie Earl Hayley was cast as Freddy "Rorschach" Kruger, too, so I can't say this is for revenge against Michael Bay. Anyway, his son needs to pee while they hunt for gators, but he can't because he either needs to squat, or needs his dad to call him "queer." As soon as he dad does, we see him start to piss. So does a gator, who tries to bite his "sack off." So... he's peeing with his nuts out? Why? Anyway, as he falls, he manages to put his weiner back in his pants, and as the gator swims off, announces he needs to finish. How in the hell does that work? He pees, stops midstream because an alligator nearly bites off his dick, puts it in, and still has to go? Even if he had time to put it back in his pants, he'd probably piss himself!

He goes to the wood to pee, but hears a noise. He comes back to find Robert Englund (and his career) dead in the boat. Red neck man panics, and is attacked by a man who single handedly rips him apart. Not that nowhere did I say that this man is super powered. During the credits, we see women flashing their breasts at the camera because it's Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street. There are so many breasts in this five minute sequence that I almost became a butt-man. The only reason I didn't is because the last three pairs they show all belong to women that are over 300 lbs each, and it reminded me of how much better the breasts before looked. Then again, showing a picture of a Mancubus from "Doom" would have the same effect.

We then meet Ben, our main character, who, for the sake of my sanity (me being named Ben), I will dub Slim Twiggy, and his friend, Marcus, the token black guy. Twiggy is there because he's getting over his ex, but every half naked woman reminds him of his ex. She dumped him for a football player... which we find out when Twiggy describes them having sex. He tricks Marcus into going to see a man about a late night swamp tour. They see Tony Todd dressed as the bastard child a voodoo priest and Pagliachi. This would be murdered career #2, but Tony Todd has been in other bad movies such as Bryan Loves You and Are You Scared 2 (which is coming up here soon). Anyway, Tony says he doesn't give tours because he was sued. He points them down the road, and they leave.

At the next building, they're greeted by two women vomiting. Marcus makes a pass at them (yes, you read that), and goes inside with Slim. Inside, we meet a porno director and his two starlets, Misty and Jenna. I'm going to rename Jenna (due to the fact that I have a friend named Jenna) to "The Smart One." After they flash the camera, the two argue about how they hate each other. The running gag is that they do this, and Misty usually says the dumbest insults. These arguments include such gems as: Smart One: You know the vibrator goes in your kooch, not your ear, right?

Misty: Why don't you suck off you dad?

Smart One: I will once you're finished.

And:

Smart One: Your "Woo" is so not in the moment.

Misty: Yeah, well your nipples are dumb.

I wish I could say they were the dumbest characters, but they get one-uped by Shawn, the Asian Cajun. Wow... there are so many things with this review that I'd never thought I'd see typed out, much less type them myself. After paying, they go on a boat. On the way, Twiggy mentions that Marcus slept with a woman who had crabs, and should watch out if a woman scratches her crotch. Marcus sits next to the Smart One... who immediately scratches herself. Thanks for keeping it classy. Twiggy sits next to Marybeth, and rambles until she tells him to shut up. Shawn tells them the story of Victor Crowley, but gets upset when Marybeth tells him the actual story. See, Victor was deformed, and his dad hid him from other people. This made people curious, and they eventually "accidently" set the house on fire, and the dad "accidently" hits his son in the face with an axe as he uses it to bash open the door. This means that the ghost of Victor haunts the swamp every anniversary of his death on Halloween. Which is now on Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is in March.

Shawn drives the boat into a log, and the crew, including two older people, climb off of the boat onto land. The old man gets caught by a gator, and Marybeth shoots it, and the old man's leg. They decide to try to find a way out of the swamp, only to run into the actual Crowley house. The old couple leaves the kids behind, thinking them cowards, and ultimately become Victor's first victims. The kids run, but the porno director gets lost and killed by Crowley. By the way, we never see how, save for the old woman's head getting ripped in half and the director's head being twisted around, anyone dies. The kids find the director, and also find out he's a con man filming his own smut. This causes the Smart One to admit she didn't go to NYU... she then gets killed. We can assume, by looking at her body, that her jaw was ripped off, but who knows?

Twiggy forms a plan to go to the house and set Crowley on fire. Marybeth follows, leaving Misty, Shawn , and Marcus to protect the rear. Misty walks off as Shawn and Marcus tease a raccoon. Meanwhile, Twiggy and Marybeth talk, and it is exposed that Marybeth is the kin to the two red necks in the beginning. After they find some gas, Misty's head is thrown at them. Twiggy splashes gas on Crowley, and lights him on fire. Unfortunately, it starts to rain, putting the fire out, and causing Crowley to come back to life and stab Shawn with a pitchfork. The three remaining kids run into a cemetery, Crowley following. He grabs Marcus, and bashes him against a tomb. By the way... Crowley as killed career #3... Kane Hodder. Crowley is played like Jason Vorhees... but screaming.

Crowley corners Twiggy and stabs him in the foot with a fence pole. Twiggy bends the pole, cutting his foot in half, and impales Crowley. Him and Marybeth find a row boat, and take off, only for her to fall overboard. As she sinks, she sees Twiggy's hand reach out for her. She takes it, gets pulled up, and finds Twiggy dead, his arm now in the hands of Crowley. He thrashes about as she splashes and the camera cuts to black. The end. Seriously, the end... as if they couldn't put an cap on the movie, it ends on a cliffhanger worse than Cthulhu's.

This movie sucks miserably. The humor is flat, the horror has been done, the characters are unlikable, and the script is an insult to horror fans and the icons who were in it. Why was Tony Todd in it? Why was Robert Englund? These two are famous enough that they could make their own movie. There is no excuse for them being in this one.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to go for a late night swim in my local swamp... one that's over run by a bad Marvel Comic's movie...

News and Stuff

Sorry I haven't been posting a lot of stuff lately. A few things have happened lately that have utterly killed any desire I have to write much of anything. Most importantly for this blog is the fact that the review I saved while writing it seems to have deleted itself. I will work on that more later, though. Here's the run down.

1: As some of you may know, I've been battling depression for most of my life. As some of you may also know, I tried to apply for a few Graphic Design jobs. The good news, I have some people who are interested in my freelance work (or so they say). The bad news: no one wants to hire someone with an Associates. As you can guess, this has dealt a damaging blow to my self esteem. I do have a temporary job at the Census Bureau, though, and I may go back to get a Bachelor's in Graphic Design and Fine Art.

2: I had Drill at Fort Knox this past weekend. We were going to the range, and were supposed to leave at 6:00 A.M. Friday morning from Columbus. The busses didn't show up until 2:00 P.M. in the afternoon, meaning I didn't get any sleep at all Friday night (I drove to Columbus at 1:00). Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep during the three day drill; Two hours a night, and a cat nap here or there on the bus over until I realized that the driver not only about hit six cars, but just about drove off two bridges because he was on his phone. I did get to shoot my rifle, though, which is fun... when the range isn't faulty. I'll leave it at that.

3: Taxes. Yeah. Need I say more? I did get a nice refund though. *GRIN*

4: I've been having a little trouble with the Horrid Horror Movie Reviews. Almost every other movie I see is a Saw rip-off. The Tomb, Are You Scared?, Breathing Room... It's ridiculous. I'm trying to find a movie that's bad, but not a Saw rip-off... but every time I think I did it, I watch the movie and end up either liking it (as was the case with Amusement) or thinking it's too morbid to make fun of (as was also the case with Amusement until the twist). I am working on something though... just be ready.

Now for some good news.

1: Finally saw Ghost World yesterday. I know, old movie, but give me a break, I did read the book. I have to admit, I enjoyed it. I also have to admit that Thora Birch was a lot more attractive than Scarlet Johannsen. Yes... those words were uttered. Other good movies I've seen lately: Repo Men (which scares me to admit) and Clash of the Titans. The latter is good, but nowhere near the original.

2: I got a gift from Bink today: an application that will allow me to play Windows games on my Mac. Good news: It does work. Bad news: Unless you're running something from Steam. It runs Steam, but not the games (save for a few). I have been playing Quake and soon, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth. You know... something based on Lovecraft that isn't Arkham Horror and doesn't suck!

3: I've been doing a lot of writing, logo work, and drawing. I have some songs written (which are pretty freaky), and I'm working on shading my first Pin-Up for my project. I also found a replacement model for Sodom in Goria. See, the one I was using decided to get breast implants, and I don't want Sodom to be the over sexualized one in the group. Luckily, I managed to find a model that's the right build and even closer in facial structure. I'm also working on a side project, but more on that later (it's not The Blur.)

Horrid Horror Movie Special Review: H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

I was originally going to review a movie named Lola, but due to the fact that it wasn't horror (even if it is April Fool's Day), it wouldn't fit. Instead, I am subjected to yet another cruel joke "based" on Lovecraftian lore. I am sure that no one knows how to make a movie based on Lovecraft's stories. Cthulhu was a practice in absolute crap, and was purely offensive to the homosexual audience it was "aimed" at. Now, I have to review a movie that seriously only has 1.5 star rating on IMDB. Seriously, Cthulhu has 4.7 stars. Hell, Carnivore, has 2.3 and Terror Toons has 2.5. When those two movies beat yours on IMDB, you should probably find a more meaningful career in pharmaceutical experimentation. Let's rip our way into H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb.

We begin our movie with credits made in Adobe Illustrator, then a guy on a horse. He drops a woman, Tara, down a hole, then rides off to taunt her over an intercom. She sleeps until he drops a fat guy, Billy, down the hole. In between this, we have a montage of severed baby doll heads mouthing out words. This review may be shorter than my average HHMR, due to the fact that these damn heads take up over half of the movie. The horseman, named "The Puppeteer," recites "Eight nails, who fails," several times, which somehow cues the couple to realize that someone else is in their with them. We see the Puppeteer write his name in a book, then "sold me a lemon," as we flashback to the guy telling Billy and Tara haw he got there. He's being tortured because he sold the killer a lemon. Sheesh, at least Jigsaw tortured his first victim for killing his unborn child. Killing over a bad car is just petty. What did Tara do, turn him down for prom?

After noticing that he has eight nails in his arm, Billy and Tara rip them out. This causes the guy to bleed to death within a matter of seconds (by the way, the blood looks like red Gak). The Puppeteer orders them to put him in a coffin. After they do, a video comes on over the portable TV, showing the Puppeteer holding an ax, caressing a naked woman with it. It cuts out, and we hear a moan. Tara opens a coffin to find out next victim, Dalida the artist, who turned down a man named Charles Dexter Ward, and is now paying for it. Her flashback causes her to have a seizure (I think), and she dies. Before putting her in a coffin, Billy says that Charles Dexter Ward is a Lovecraft character. Now, I know what you're thinking: "This just broke the fourth wall." Well, it didn't.

You see, it's advertised as being based on the Lovecraft story, "The Tomb." In all reality, it has as much to do with that story as "Prisencolinensinainciusol" does with the English language: nothing. Sure, it makes the passing reference to Lovecraft and his work, but other than that, you could have named this movie "Cheap Generic Saw Knock-Off 45: Electric Boogaloo," and it wouldn't change a thing.

By the way, its time for our next video, complete with the "Eight nails" bullshit and naked woman (the same on from before). This time, we also get a view of his ax as a close up. No joke, this is the ax he uses to injure people. What do you notice about it? The fact that it's obviously a toy? Hell, in the shot, you can even see the plastic seam. Anyway, our next victim comes out, says she was brought here by David Pickman ("Pickman's Model..." Even though that was Richard Upton not "David"), and then she dies, too. Puppeteer taunts them by asking what his name is... baby dolls... yeah.

We get another victim, a bank manager who turned our killer down for a loan. Guess what? She dies, and we get a baby doll, eight nails montage until the next victim, an English teacher, who is there because he flunked a student. The teacher tries to rape Tara, but Billy slowly walks up and pulls him off of her, onto the floor, where a body of our last victim falls on top of him and kills him. Lana is there because she defended herself against an attack, and finds out that Tara realized that the Puppeteer is the grown up man that she nailed into a coffin at the Witch House back when she they were eight years old. Lana attacks Tara, but Billy stops her. He then watches as Tara kills Lana, scolds her, but feels bad after Tara says that it needed to be done. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is thankful that Billy isn't a Supreme Court judge, because if this argument is enough to sway him, imagine what he'd be like on the bench. Lo and behold, Tara kills Billy too, and the Puppeteer opens the door to let her out.

Her prizes are money, a Lovecraft coloring book, and a new car. She drives to a hotel, where she starts reading the book, but is stopped when the Puppeteer opens the door and gives her a choice: have sex with him, or he takes the prizes and leaves her alone. She tells him to go, so he takes the prizes and leaves. She's then reading the book-- what?! Yes, apparently, that didn't happen, because this time he gives her the choice, and she accepts. Then another alternate ending is shown where she kills the Puppeteer, and a narrator tells us we're all savage in nature. Seriously, its like someone put all the alternate endings as one ending.

Do I have to tell you this movie is bad? It's the same formula, victim comes in, dies, gets put in coffin, repeat, over and over again. The prop department looks like they raided a toy store, and it has nothing to do with Lovecraft, other than throwing his name and names of his characters around. I'd say he's rolling in his grave, but I'm sure this just proves his views right that people are evil, sadistic bastards. On that principle alone, he's probably happy this movie was made.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to throw Sackboy Cthulhus at people. Why? Because, he's so cute, he'll drive you insane.