A Very Special Birthday Message to Christopher Walken

Thank you for being you... as weird and insane as you can be. You're a hero to all of us bloggers.

Happy Birthday, and here's to many more!

In Memorium

Jaime Escalante

December 31, 1930-March 30, 2010

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Jason X

Okay... so it must be a thing with horror movies to put the villain of a franchise in outer space. "Hellraiser" did it first, but it was straight to video (and for good reason). Apparently, though, someone thought, "Hey, this is a good idea! You know who'd be better in space? Jason Vorhees!" If the person or persons responsible ever happens upon this blog, do me a favor, won't you? Promptly kick your own ass, so no one else has to! With that said, let's tear into "Jason X."

We start in the present time at the Crystal Lake Research Center. Wait, what? Crystal Lake was a campground, wasn't it? Who came up with the money to put a research center in it? Did it come from the kids murdered in the last few movies? Anyway, Jason is chained up, ready to be cryogenically frozen, when the guard, tired of Jason staring at him, throws a cover over his head. We cut to Dr. Rowan, the 27 year old top scientist who is in charge of the research institute. Otherwise known as "excuse to have an attractive female main character who we'll never show naked," or "here's some unrealistic eyecandy for the teenage audience." The Army has orders to take Jason to a cloning facility so they can reproduce his regenerating cells and make a super soldier. In short, the Army wants to clone Jason Vorhees, the killer they've tried to kill how many times now, but keeps coming? Surely, I'm not the only one who sees a flaw in this plan.

Lo and behold, Jason somehow switched places with the guard, and starts killing the Army guys shooting at him. Rowan grabs a shotgun, and runs down to the cryo chambers, Jason following. In a panic, she shoots him a few times, stunning him (despite the fact that none of the other blasts from a shotgun had an effect on him at all), and sending him into a cryo chamber. Rowan locks the door, but is stabbed by Jason, who manages to run his old, rusty machete through six inches of solid steel. My brain just lost a few cells over this, so lets move on. With the chamber breached, the basement locks itself, and freezes Jason and Rowan.

455 years pass, and Earth is uninhabitable. A research team, consisting of a teacher named Dr. Lowe, a stoner named, I shit you not, Azrael (you know, after the Angel of Death), a snobby girl named Janessa, a science genius boy named Waylander (really, Waylander?), and his pet android, Kay Em-14, find the chamber, complete with Jason and Rowan frozen in it. Lowe asks what's on Jason's face, only for Waylander to answer "A hockey mask." Azrael grabs a coffee cup, which freezes to his hand, then decideds to poke Jason, causing Jason to fall over and cut Azrael's arm off. Kay Em gives him something that cautarizes the wound, and makes him act even more high. Kay Em also notices that Rowan, and they take her and Jason a board their ship, the Grendal, to revive her, which involves stripping her naked off camera, and putting her under a metal blanket. By the way, Janessa is wearing a dress that seems to have the middle of it cut out. Seriously, it's like she's wearing an unbuttoned trench coat with a skirt attached to it.

An other doctor, Adrianne, is assigned two flunkies to help out with Jason. For some reason, the grotesque corpse turns them on, so Adrianne kicks them out of her lab. As they start to do the horizontal mambo, Jason wakes up. Seriously, Jason is like the sex alarm clock. If someone within 100 yards starts to have sex, he wakes up and kills everything. This time, he starts by grabbing Adrianne's head, shoving it in a sink of liquid Nitrogen, and smashing it. Wait... isn't Jason supposed to be, you know... challenged? How does he know what liquid Nitrogen does. How did he even know it was liquid Nitrogen? At the same time, Rowan wakes up, and is told that in the year 2010, she was frozen with Jason Vorhees, and it is now 455 years later. Time for a Horror Movie Logic Quiz: Remember in my review for The Nun that the teens were 18 years old, despite the fact that only seven years passed between Sister Ursula being killed and her ghost killing people. Rowan was frozen in 2010, 455 years before this movie is set. What is the year? A) 2465 B) 2455 or C) I don't care, I want to see Dr. Rowan naked.

If you guessed "A," you fail at horror movie logic. The correct answer is actually "B." Obviously 2010 + 455 = 2455. Thanks for playing!

Besides being told that she's in the future and on a spaceship with an android and a stoner (both of which should be switched with Marvin the Paranoid Android and Zaphod Beeblebrox for the sake of everyone's sanity), she seems to be taking it pretty well. She's not even ranting about having been frozen! Dr. Lowe, after finding out that Jason Vorhees is Jason Vorhees the killer who seems to be worth a dickload of money, puts on a dress and gets his nipple piercing tweeked by Janessa. I guess this was important... somehow. Gotta admit, it is scarier than the rest of the movie. Oh, wait, I take that back. Waylander is putting nipples on Kay Em. He's putting nipples on an android. By the way, Janessa keeps teasing Waylander about him and Kay Em sleeping together. Just wait for it. I feel like we're forgetting something, though... oh yeah! Jason stabs the guy having sex with his girlfriend, then lets her run away to tell security about it.

The students and Rowan are taken back to the lab by Lowe and Kay Em. Lowe stops to talk a deal to Brodski, the security sergeant, because he wants Jason alive. Brondski agrees, but tells his crew to kill Jason. He separates the team, taking the guy with the BFG with him. I can't say this is making a reference to a better movie, because this was out before "Doom" was, and "Doom" sucked. What it is doing, however, is reminding you that you could be playing a decent game instead of watching this movie. We all ready have the "Alien" reference with "Waylander" and his android. Anyway, to make this short, Jason starts picking them off one by one, including impaling one guy on a giant fucking hook, impaling the BFG guy on a drill, invading a VR sim, killing sim aliens (even though he can't see them without being hooked up to the equipment) and the people playing the game, including Azrael, and several other deaths. This leaves Brodski as the only one left standing, but Jason stabs him. Brodski says that isn't enough to kill him, so Jason stabs him again. "Okay, that should do it."

The scientists panic, finding out the security team is dead. Jason, meanwhile, kills the ships pilot, causing them to crash into a spacestation, destroying a pontoon. Jason then breaks into the lab. Lowe destracts him while the students, android, and Rowan escape, but soon figures Jason only wants his deadly as shit machete back. After announcing that Jason is peaceful (what a fucking moron), Jason cuts his head off. The students and Rowan, now joined by Ron Jeremy's uglier brother Crutch the Engineer, make a plan to go for the shuttle. Crutch and an Asian kid named Tsunaron to the bridge to start the shuttle up, while Janessa, Rowan, and girl who Jason let run away (Kinsa, for those of you at all curious) run to the shuttle. Waylander and Kay Em go to his lab for some upgrades. Kay Em expresses her desires to become more human, and they have sex. Seriously, an android, not even a Replicant from Blade Runner, a fucking android and a man have sex. He acts shocked, too. The thing is, wouldn't he have to program her to want to be more human, and want to have sex with him. I mean, that was even what Janessa was hinting at!

Anyway, Kinsa gets in the shuttle, but is trapped once Jason kills Crutch. In a panic, she tries to fly the shuttle, but crashes into the ship. Jason corners Rowan and Janessa, and is suddenly attacked by Brodski. After tossing Brodski a side, Kay Em, now upgraded with big guns (no, really, guns, not breast implants... which figuring this movie, wouldn't surprise me) and karate kicking action. She manages to kill Jason, and the remaining survivors have to plan to escape. A ship gets the distress signal, an a plan is formed to go to the other pontoon and bomb the one they're in in order to keep the entire ship from blowing up. This may sound stupid, but surprisingly, this is actually a good idea. The main part of the ship is about to explode, by going to the secondary part and blowing the connections up, it actually ups their survival rate. Unfortunately, they're in space. My physics may be off, but wouldn't the explosion propell them into the vessel that's trying to save them?

As they set the charges, the med unit makes Jason into a cyborg. He corners the survivors, and even punches Kay Em's head off, which Waylander snatches up. Hey, look... he got some head! I'm sorry... I really am. Tsunaron distracts Jason so he can let the others into the othe pontoon, and sacrifices himself by denoting the explosives. This propells Jason onto the other pontoon, despite being on the other side of the explosion. As most of the survivors make their way through the airlock, Jason punches a hole in the hull, which pulls Janessa into the void of space, but leaves the grating she went through intact enough to block the hole. With the rescue vessel attached, Brodskie goes out into space to open the doors from the outside. Waylander sets up a distraction to keep Jason busy: a hologram of two women wearing shirts and panties offering booze, pot, and premarital sex. They then take their shirts off. Not to go on a sexist tangent, but this makes up for "Terror Toons." If "Jason X" has one positive note, it's either the fact that is has a beautiful Asian woman, and as perverted as it sounds, topless (which, let's face it, is why most people watched the "Friday the 13th" series), or what follows. As they crawl into their sleeping bags, Jason picks one up, and beats the other with her. It is the most hilarious kill I have ever seen in my life of watching horror movies. This is why I watch them, though I feel conflicted that they killed the cute Asian woman. Boo...

As you can figure, this doesn't keep Jason busy for long. Luckily, the airlock opens, and Waylander and Rowan (and the head of Kay Em) go through to the vessel. As the station explodes, Jason comes flying to the rescue ship... but Brodski comes to tackle Jason, both burning up in the atmosphere of Earth II. The movie ends with two teens watching a falling star, which ends up being Jason's mask.

What is this movie, a joke? It's not scary. It's like a bad slapstick comedy went violent. Throw in the stupidity of android sex, and the world's greediest scientist, and you have this movie. I'm still in a stupor at how pointless this was.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off, and being thankful that there isn't another horror franchise that went into space. Especially one that involves a Leprechaun...

Oh, sweet mother of crap.

Opinion: Violence In Games; The Good, The Bad, And The Disgusting

Note: This article on CNN is what got me to write this post. Your opinions are welcome, as long as they're thought out, non-confrontational opinions. Debates are welcome, not immature shouting matches.

It's a long standing debate that violent video games "create" or "encourage" real life violence. Years ago, a man attacked another man by biting his head like Blanka from "Street Fighter II." Another shot several people because he thought he was in the game "Doom." What seems to have began as a concerning epidemic has become more of a boiling point for the media, and a joke to everyone else. For example, in the Disney movie, Wild Hogs, the Sheriff mentions that he took an online course, and for shooting a gun, it said, "just play 'Doom.'"

On the media side, you have psychologists saying that violent video games make violent people, but only do studies on subjects and patients prone to violent behavior, or come with a all ready biased opinion. On the other hand, you have psychologists who do tests on subjects who aren't prone to violent behavior, and have a preordained bias as well. There's a simple test that scientists can do that will put this issue to rest. And, it's one so simple, that I'm surprised that no one has thought of it: Ask the gamers, "Where do you draw the line with violence in games and in real life?"

I doubt it's a secret to anyone who knows me; I am a gamer. My friends are gamers. My brothers are gamers. No one in my circle of family and friends have gone off to hurt anyone for no reason. I never went off to hurt anyone for no reason (outside of psychological issues). Currently, I'm playing more violent video games than I have before, what between "Deadly Premonition," "Borderlands," "Dante's Inferno," "God of War 3," and "Heavy Rain." Have I had a desire to hurt people lately? No. Am I a good test subject for this? Yes. But, I can't speak for everyone who plays these games, as several psychological factors could change one's way of thinking. Also, notice most of these games are either shooters, slashers, or contain violent themes.

Now, for a new test: Ask me if I'd play a game that simulates rape. My answer: No. It's disgusting to even comprehend playing a game where I have to rape someone to win. I mean, I even stopped playing "Quake" when I saw an image of a mutilated (i.e. cut open in a graphic manner) Jesus Christ on a wall. Why would I play a game that glorifies such a degree of violence that in nearly every culture is so vulgar and despicable that a lot of people want a punishment of death or castration for it? My opinion of rape is that it is, in fact, worse than murder due to the fact that the rapist may force the victim to live with the crime, not to mention the fact that the suspect/perp is taking away something a victim may never get back. Who in the right mind would model a video game off of this fact?

Well, Japan has done several. What's even worse is, in the CNN article listed above, they mention a game that was banned a year ago. It was released three years ago, and just now are people getting involved with it. How do I know it was released three years ago? SomethingAwful.com reviewed the game, along with several other Hentai titles. I am not shocked at this story. I am shocked, however, that it took the mainstream media this long to report it. The Japanese officials probably never replied (save for the one) because they were dumbfounded by the fact that this is just now a big story.

My question is this, though: With games having much more mature story lines now, are we heading in that direction? "Deadly Premonition," a game heavily based on the series "Twin Peaks," has a main character mentioning a case he was working on where a killer would rape and murder women and use their skulls as cups for urination, drinking, or both. This is meant to appall, and appall it does. In a more mainstream example, Madison Paige, on of the main characters in the game "Heavy Rain," is heavily hinted at being a rape victim from the first minute you play her. In fact, you play a flashback of her attack (the chase and assault) until she's pinned to which she wakes up before anything worse can be seen. Later in the game, she's almost raped again, but she fights back against her attacker and eventually kills him.

Both games contain the mention of rape, or at least the hint of it. "Deadly Premonition" uses it to show the graphic and disturbing cases your character has solved. "Heavy Rain" uses rape as a means of what motivates a character's desire to survive. Both games do their purpose well, without showing it. Both games also don't require you to rape anyone. As far as I know, no American game designer felt the obscene urge to fit a rape scene into a game. Yet our movie makers over here seen to have no issue with it. The Hills Have Eyes series have rape scenes that seem to try to top each other in graphic detail... but they serve as plot points of how cruel the mutants are, and their violent desire to reproduce. More recently, the movie Chloe contains a young woman raping an older woman. Why? Is it necessary to the story? Do I even want to know?

There's a point where violence in entertainment can go to far. Maybe it's a slippery slope argument, but with the rape content in movies now, do we need it in video games. Should anyone be playing a video game where they need to rape to win, or even kill innocent people to live? Even "Modern Warfare 2" made the killing of civilians optional in the mission "No Russian." Why should we have a game on the market that glorifies degrading women and men in one of the most heinous acts a person can do to another? Have we drifted this far from morality?

The competent gamer knows what should be considered right and wrong. Controversy buzzed with "Bioshock" when it was announced that you could kill the Little Sisters. The same with the "Bad Nanny" trophy for killing unbaptized babies in "Dante's Inferno." Yes, both situations are gruesome to imagine, but with two different outcomes. In "Bioshock," you could "cure" the Little Sisters, making them "human." In "Dante's Inferno," you can absolve the babies. The offer of two moral choices is there for violence all ready.

Finally, video games are used to escape real life, and forget the bad. You can be the hero, or the villain, but you should know it's fantasy. Adding rape into a game will just be a reminder that this act of violence is all too real. Heroes shouldn't go raping women, children, or men. We have games that are extremely cruel (including a Nazi Holocaust simulator) all ready. Why should we try to make it worse?

Character Design 101: Part 1: Failures and Successes in Designing Female Characters

Welcome, class, to Character Design 101! I am your professor... um... Professor Wetzel. Let's set aside the syllabus for a minute, as we dive face first into the meat of what we're talking about in this class. As it were, we're diving into the breast meat, mainly because most of the people in this class are men wondering when they'll design busty beauties such as those in Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Bouncy Boo-- I mean, Volleyball 2. See, that's the problem I want to stop right now.

The gaming market is filled with overly voluptuous women, and has been since as far as I can remember. Samus in Metroid, for example, when she loses her armor at the end of the game is in a one piece swimsuit. A more modern example is the ever growing breasts and incredible shrinking costume of Ivy in the SoulCaliber series. At the reverse end of this over done spectrum are female characters who are done to look like everyday women. These are good, except when the designers make a main character that looks like this, and screws her up but making her look weird. What I will list of is a few failures of both of these aspects, then the successes of both of these aspects. We'll start with the failures first.

Failures:

Faith from "Mirror's Edge:" A lot of you maybe asking, "How is Faith a failure?" I even had a friend ask that, but my reasoning isn't because she's flat chested. In fact, that actually is a good design choice figuring that if she was busty, every straight male playing this game would be looking down to see if there were jiggle physics, while Faith would be suffering severe back pain. Instead, Faith's failure lies in a big aspect of what she's supposed to be: inconspicuous. She's a free runner, which is illegal in the game, so instead of blending in like she is supposed to, she has tattoos up one arm and on one eye, wears one red glove, and bright red shoes. Of course she's going to stand out, but no one is supposed to notice her? What doesn't help is the art style being a mix of Aeon Flux and traditional ancient Asian. The combination makes Faith look less human and more alien, especially with the tattoo under her eye. Finally, she's expressionless. An expressionless character makes it harder for the player to empathize with the character's situation, making it harder for the player to care about the character and the game. If we can't tell what Faith is feeling, how are we supposed to care about the over all plot?

Lei Fang from the later "Dead or Alive" games: This is what she's supposed to look like, not the other way. For some reason, Lei Fang, despite being an adult, has the power of going from a B-Cup (in video game standards) to a DD-Cup in months without plastic surgery. I have a theory on this: in Asian games, smaller breasts mean younger. Lei Fang is 19, and has smaller breasts than the 20-30 year-old women in DOA. She's 19 throughout the series, yet her breasts grow with every other game in the series. This is an obvious ploy to get men to buy the game. As a turn, its also derogatory to women. Yes, artists (myself, included) will draw their idealized version of the female body, but we'd be stupid to think that all women should look like that. Not every woman I dated had a perfect 36-24-36 body, just like not every woman dated a guy with a 10 inch Anaconda. Shouldn't our characters in games reflect this, especially when we've established that they aren't supposed to look like a cookie cutter woman in a game?

Ivy from SoulCaliber IV: Again with making breasts bigger. In Ivy's case, she was also made to look more pleasant to the eye, as well. See, Ivy was supposed to look corrupted. What happened? Oh, the big demographic in video games, nerdy guys with nothing better to do (calm down, I'm including myself) thought her corrupted appearance was hurting the game. So, the designers made her "hot." Actually, what the made was an excuse for cleavage. If a design compromises what the character is supposed to be, its a bad design, plain and simple.

Finally, Chloe from Uncharted 2: Among Theives: She isn't on my list because I hate her. She's on my list because she's supposed to be British, but looks either Hispanic, Indian, or Irish (Black Irish, as it were). Not to mention the fact that she's supposed to be sexy, but she's constantly making the duck face, or, as I like to call it, the Daniel Craig "I'm Too Cool" face. Though, Kudos on not making her over voluptuous.

Now for some successes.

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya from Mass Effect: That would be her on the left. Men, try to ignore the picture on the right. Tali is not only one of the most interesting characters in the Mass Effect mythos, but one of the best designed. Her culture reflects that of the human's Muslim culture, except for the race being covered up completely. In the game, this is explained as the race having extremely weak immune systems. The helmet, the tight suit, and the accessories all are designed to support this. Also, her body shape is human enough that we can tell what she is, but alien enough that she doesn't look completely human. As an identifying factor within her race, she was a head covering that is different from anyone else's, unifying her, but making her identifiable.

Elena Fisher from Uncharted: Elena is what the everyday main female should look like. She looks like, well, a woman; an attractive, approachable, everyday woman. She doesn't have huge breasts, nor is she so attractive, you want to die because you'll never see anyone like her. She pretty, but flawed in a human way as well. Like humans should be.

Madison Paige from Heavy Rain: Again, Madison looks like the everyday woman. There's a twist, though. Madison also has the look of someone who has been damaged in some way. Instead of doing nothing, she uses it to grow. There's a hint of sorrow, but also a hint of hope within her. She also is attractive enough that she can turn heads, but at the same time, plain enough that she looks human.

The Lollipop Saw Lady from Condemned 2: She's scary looking. She looks crazy. She has a saw blade painted to look like a lollipop on a stick. Even if she is dressed in a corset and a short skirt, you want to run from her. She's not sexy... she's bizarre. And that's what she's meant to be.

Seeing as we have a few minutes left, I'll conclude today's lecture on this note. There's a time for bouncy, perky women, yes. But not in every game. All women are different, and in that sense, beautiful. Unless they're meant to be freaky. When designing a female character, keep in mind what you want her to show with emotion, her clothes, how she carries herself, and very importantly, how she moves.

Okay, I'm not going to risk taking all your time. Until next time, class dis-MISSed.

Oh, God... that was terrible.

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Smash Cut

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Project Announcement: "The Blur."

I'm taking this post to introduce an upcoming web project I'm doing. Well, one of them, at least. This one is pretty close to me due to the fact that the nature of the story came to me in a nightmare a while ago, and it stuck. The title of it is, as you can see, The Blur, and it'll be a web graphic novel.

The story follows a teacher, Damon Mackabee, as he starts off at a private school after a teacher goes missing. He fails to heed a warning from the school principal, and ultimately is tortured by the students because of it. Scared out of his mind, he hires a private investigator/psychic debunker, Donovan Ruth, to look into the school and see if the children are, in all actuality, demons. Ruth agrees, thinking Mackabee is out of his mind, and uncovers a secret that no one in the school could ever suspect, and one that will terrify the world when they find out.

What makes this even more of a challenge for me is the sheer... gross factor of this. The students look normal up to a point (this isn't a spoiler), namely Katherine Montesque, a.k.a. "Gonorrhea Girl," who looks like a typical 16 year-old, until Ruth sees her as a bloated, dripping mass of flesh. The Light Twins, too, will be a challenge as their mouths and eyes seem to burn into the reader. Added to this is an art style I've never done before, where the background is blurred more and more not from focus, but by importance to what's happening in the panel.

I'll have some of the cleaner concepts up when I draw them. I'm not going to lie, I'm actually looking forward to this one.

"God of War III" Review. Otherwise known as "Retcon: The Game"

Wow, Sony. Just... wow... How incredibly stupid do you think we are to not remember the plots of the first two "God of War" games, especially after making such a big deal about releasing a collection just before you release this game? Do you really think that hiding an utter failure of a story behind pretty graphics will blind us to what is ultimately milking a franchise that should have ended after the first game? It may work with critics, and gamers, but with me... that comes off as lazy.

Positive stuff first. The game has extremely good graphics and a lot of great voice acting. That is not to say there aren't clipping errors (I fell through a floor three times) and some bad writing ("I will make you suffer... once I regain my sight!" should totally be a Dr. Orpheus line in the Venture Bros., not Chronos). Anything else I forgot? Oh... some of the weapons are cool. The whip you get in the end of the game is easily the best weapon, which is also why you never use it.

That's where I'll start with the bad. The combat: It's "God of War." Kratos should be a badass, but his weapons should also back that up. The Cestus that the designers made such a big deal about are useless against the later enemies (fauns and anything fast). The Claws of Hades are weak, but have a cool magic attack... that's also weak. The new Rage mode, the Rage of Sparta, is fine... except you can't jump. Enemies progress as weak to strong as usual... but later in the game, they'll pull tricks like countering a magic attack.

The puzzles will kill you more than combat, though. Once you have something figured out, if you die at that point, not only do you have to do the puzzle over, but it might change, too. I was stuck in a "labyrinth" (which was actually a bunch of boxes put together), because the spike floor kept changing patterns after I figured it out. But, that's not what makes this game bad. That doesn't scratch the surface.

The story kills the game. The first game, the gods help you kill Ares because Ares is being a douchebag. You use Pandora's Box to kill him, because that is the only thing that can kill the gods. The second, Kratos goes insane, sort of, and starts wars for the sake of it. Zeus gets pissed and kills Kratos, only for Kratos to come back, and want revenge. This game, Kratos takes his revenge on Zeus. But, we find out that the gods never helped Kratos in the first one and Pandora's Box isn't the only object that can destroy the gods. So... the first game is retconned entirely, except for Ares being dead. The end of the game retcons the entire second game by telling you that someone was actually evil all along, and someone else was possessed by the power of the box while someone else was possessed by a different power in the box that the first someone put in there (without spoiling it for anyone). What it comes down to is that Kratos was right in starting wars for no reason.

That's not all. The game refuses to take itself seriously at points. After the sex minigame with Aphrodite, you can go again. As her consorts watch, one says, "This isn't meant for the eyes of children. This is rated for mature audiences, eighteen and over!" No where else in the series is humor like this found. For a series that was somewhat close to the roots of mythology at first, too, this throws a wrench in it. Minor spoiler: Pandora is a robot. I kid you not, Pandora is a robot.

What's worse is that the game retcons itself toward the end. A human character makes trips to Hades to make a "labyrinth," by going through portals that only the gods can cross through. That's a big glaring example that I can think of right now. I will give it this; it does end the trilogy instead of having a cheap cliffhanger ending like the second game. Though the ending is absolutely terribly written and leaves the player wondering "why did I bother?"

Last note is the controls. Several times you have to double jump and glide. Almost every time you try it, you fail the first time. I don't like how they changed the magic system (one spell for every weapon), but at the same time, I can see why they did it for organizational purposes. Being able to switch weapons during combat would be a good idea... if it wasn't completely senseless. They assign a button combo to do it, but you can do it by press the D-Pad of the weapon you want. Not that it matters, you'll only use one weapon anyway.

This game's an example of what's wrong with gaming today: Good graphics, celebrity voices (Kevin Sorbo as Hercules... yeah), but the story and gameplay is flat, boring, or just plain stupid. If you want to see how it ends, rent it, because putting down $60 for it new is a huge mistake (yes, I made it, too, but I had it reserved for a birthday gift to myself).

Horrid Horror Movie Review Special Edition: Terror Toons

Carnivore isn't actually a bad movie. Cthulhu isn't a bad movie. Hell, The Nun, isn't a bad movie. Yes, they suck, but they aren't bad movies. They're bad cinema, bad films, but in the light of the tragic, horrific mess that I just saw this week, they aren't bad movies. I can say this safely, knowing full well how insane it sounds to the usual readers, but trust me, I haven't lost my mind with that statement.

I lost it when I decided to pick this... this... THING up at the local video store. I know this because I knew it was going to be bad going in. SomethingAwful.com reviewed it before I did, which is how I heard of it. Numerous blogs before this have reviewed it, but, God save me, they didn't prepare me for how bad this movie is. Otherwise, I would've had the following ready: Holy Water, a Pancore Jackhammer, duct tape, and a picture of Kathy Bates in a hot tub, because whatever I could do with a combination of those four items cannot possibly be worse than this movie. "Can it be that bad?" you maybe asking. My reply, "Dear sweet baby Scorcese in an Eagle's Nest, yes, it can!"

The title image for this post will put it in some perspective. The creature that looks like the Green Goblin before braces and rhinoplasty is Dr. Carnage. In the syringe that is floating next to him is, quite seriously, my dignity. I thought dignity is something one loses when they go streaking. No, they lose it when they watch "Terror Toons." Read on to find out why.

Before the movie starts, the bastard child of Pinhead and Quentin Tarantino greets us, the "Gore Hounds," and tells us what happens in the movie. By the way, the "Brain Damage" logo on his jacket is the production company for the movie. It also describes everyone involved with this movie, especially considering that this "warning"is done in a room with VHS boxes, plush Warheads mascots, and smily faces. He also tells us this as if he was Don LaFontaine, the movie trailer guy, but with, well... brain damage. He informs us that Satan sent Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin out to kill in "outrageous, cartoon ways" and only Cindy has the power to stop them. Apparently, Cindy has the remote control to the DVD player. Great, I was just now looking for the fucking thing.

The movie starts with a Will Sasso impersonator strapped to a table and wearing a beanie. The funny thing is, he's a better impersonator than Will Sasso because he doesn't have to tell us who he's impersonating: a six year-old boy. A grown man is playing a six year old boy, people. If you had doubts about what I was saying, I hope you gave them a long kiss goodbye. Dr. Carnage comes up and shoots a laser at the manchild that does absolutely nothing. He the pulls out a needle (which is actually superimposed over his hand), stabs Sasso in the head box, and cuts into his stomach. With a laugh that sounds like someone stepped on a crow that sucked in helium, he pulls out the manboy's guts, spine and skull... all of which are attached. Thus begins the credits, as vomited out by Peter Max. This is where I notice something peculiar about this movie: Lizzie Borden.

I would have had to do a double take, but I knew that Lizzie Borden had been long dead. No, this is actually Lizzy Borden, pornstar turned director of porn movies that simulate rape (thank you IMDB and Wiki). Who could she possibly play in this movie? Dr. Carnage's sexy assistant? Max Assassin? Cindy? No, she plays Candy, a six to eleven (I think) year old girl who seems to have footballs sewn to her chest. They don't bather her, it seems, as she sings "Rubber Ducky" with no problem other than getting the words wrong. Then she stands up, flashing her breasts as she does this, and puts on a thin dress. We get to see a naked porn star with fake breasts naked... and she's playing a little girl. My eyes... they've been violated! Candy goes to say good by to her mother and get the mail. Her mother speaks in a deep voice for a woman. That's mainly because Candy's mother is actually a man. I shit you not, her mother is played by a drag queen.

Manny-Dearest leaves to go to a wedding, telling Candy and Cindy not to have friends over. As He-Mom leaves, Cindy shows up with her Asian friend Amy. Ah, you caught me in a "interrupt myself to say 'wait a minute'" moment. See, I'm not doing that here, because this movie is so bad, that I'd be doing that consta- wait a minute Amy's Asian? She's also cute, too? All of a sudden, this movie isn't looking too bad! I mean, the "typical male pig" in me is thinking she could make up for all of the stupidity, especially since she's playing an adult... I think. They pick on Candy for watching cartoons, causing her to cry and put in the "Terror Toons" DVD. As she watches the cartoon, you, the watcher, realize a few things: 1: Dr. Carnage seems to like stepping on crows. 2: Max Assassin is a purple gorilla with a Tommy Gun. 3. The credits for the cartoon are clever names for the Devil, such as B.L. Zebub, Lou Siffer, and, of course, "Directed by the Devil." Did they run out of names? How about Sam Mail or Sam Moyel? And finally 4: There are only two frames of animation for every non costumed person. More on this later.

The cartoon involves two women playing little girls arguing over a lollipop. Max Assassin scares one of them away, and chews on the other's leg. Looks like this is the end for the sweet, sugar candyman. The girl in the red dress finds a cop. but is blown up by Dr. Carnage. They then do a door chase after the girl, kill her with a knife, and the cartoon ends, showing nothing but spiral. Cindy and Amy, in the meantime, call their boyfriends, and order some pizza from, no joke, Shanghai Pizza. The operator also speaks in a stereotypical Asian accent... to the Asian girl!

The boys come over and want to play strip poker. The girls want to play Ouija. I always thought that the boys wanna fight, but the girls are happy to dance all night. They compromise and play "Strip Ouija." Unfortunately, the budget is so low, they end up with a "Wegee" board instead. As they play, Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin come out of the TV and rip out Candy's spine. Cindy, hesitating to take off her shirt (Amy "all ready did," despite the fact she has another shirt on), and checks on Candy. Candy says she's fine, and Cindy's okay with that. Oh, she also doesn't notice that Candy grew a lump from her back, and has to rivers of blood at the corners of her mouth. Cindy returns, only for the doorbell to ring. This time, it's Tommy, Candy's... um... boyfriend... despite her being six? That would explain why he acts weird, like he's a dirty pedo. It could also be from being in this movie. Dr. Carnage makes quick work to slit his throat, and him and Max leave to kill the pizza guy with a giant pizza cutter. This is the only death shown off screen, because it was too either violent or expensive. I'm with the latter.

Cindy decides to delay taking her shirt off again, and call the pizza guys to find out what's taking so long. The phone is dead, though, and a disco ball appears and the Battletoads pause music starts playing. As it gets faster and faster, we see Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin striking a disco pose. They start dancing causing the kids to laugh. Well, most of them, Amy's jaw just juts to one side as if she's being punch by an invisible fist. Amy's boyfriend laughs so hard, he coughs up his... lungs? I can't tell, because it looks more like his skull. This causes the others to run away as Max pulls out a Tommy Gun and shoots at them. As they try to escape, they find the house is surrounded my spirals. Other boyfriend looks into it and vomits, scaring Cindy and Amy more than the giant fucking gorilla and the green doctor. They run into Candy's room to check on her, and leave the boy behind in his vomit, only for him to get caught by Dr. Carnage.

A cartoon (I use that loosely) police man comes out of the TV, and gives Cindy a giant gun. He's promptly distracted by a box of donuts next to the bloody tools of death. As he takes a longjohn, it blows up, killing him. This proves that he's utterly useless. Carnage cuts the top of the boy's skull and tickles his brain before taking it out. Amy and Candy get separated from each other somehow. Amy runs into Max, and hits him with a bottle. Max then follows suit and hits himself with a bottle. He then realizes he's a dumbass and hits Amy with the bottle. He then jumps Cindy, and ties her up to a chair.

What follows is possibly the most bizarre series of events I've ever had to describe in my life. Dr. Carnage has Amy in a box and cuts her in half like a magician, only her guts come out, and two cartoon vultures, complete in stock art and two frames of animation, come out to pick at her organs as Dr. Carnage plays in them. Seriously... this is one of the cartoon vultures. Look at the site in your browser. Anyway, this makes Cindy pass out, awaking in front of the Devil, who looks and acts like a gay Col. Sanders with horns. He explains he wants more respect, and that Dr. Carnage can become small and Max Assassin can become big because they're cartoons. Cindy decides she's a cartoon too, and becomes a superhero. Actually, she becomes Stephanie from Lazy Town. The devil threatens her with putting her family through pain, but then leaves. All he had to do was make her watch this movie, sheesh.

She goes to the house's den and finds a CD press. She breaks it, but Max Assassin attacks her. She promptly breaks his neck and steps on his head, causing his brain to splurt out, and farting noises (and a cartoon fly) to come out of his head. This goes on for another minute until Dr. Carnage laughs with an ax. He knocks Cindy down, but she catches his ax, steals it and cuts his head in half. Spiders fly out of it, and then, finally, a skeleton comes out and screams. I'd use the LSD excuse... but I'm pretty sure then I wouldn't notice all of this. In fact, I think it'd be insulting to LSD addicts to make the joke!

She-man and Father come home, finding the house a wreck. Momman goes to Candy's room and finds one boy running into a wall, Candy dead, and Cindy, still dressed as Stephanie, laughing manically. The scene then shifts to an actual child opening a mailbox, saying "Dang dang Tewwow Toons!" and then the movie mercifully ends.

This movie is quite honestly the worst thing I've seen in my life. Adults should not be playing six year-old, especially if they're ex-pornstars with fake breasts. The budget is low enough to make the "special effects" as special as the man-child in the first scene. The direction meanders from scene to scene. Dr. Carnage's laugh seems to get imbedded into your head, making you wish he'd kill you all ready. The only explanation is that the Devil did direct this movie. And it gets even better, too. There's a sequel! And a third is on its way! Will I review those soon? Seeing as this took Carnivore's and Cthulhu's place as "Bane of Me Existance," I don't see why not. In fact, I don't see why I shouldn't share the wealth of this shitty movie, and give it away to the first person I see tomorrow. Oh wait, yes I do, because I'm not sadistic.

For now, this is the Window Keeper Signing off to find my beanie cap. I think that weird Doctor guy has it...