Horrid Horror Movie Review: Teeth

What can I say that will make the pain of this movie go away? Let me start by saying this: at least I could make out the lines that the characters were saying. It has that going for it. It had an original concept that has only been told in oral tradition by Greeks, Native Americans, and even the Chaco and Guiana tribes, but never in a movie. That concept is the one of vagina dentata, otherwise known as a toothed vagina. Men, hold on to your groins, because that is what you think it is. These types of stories usually end up with a lot of penises being bitten off.

What's interesting about this movie is the polarization effect it has on viewers. IMDB has a thread on men thinking that women only like this movie because it emasculates men. One reply, from Tippy-Toe, was this: "I'm a woman, and I thought the whole film was pretty stupid, to be perfectly honest. I mean, I've always thought one of the perfect punishments for a serial rapist would be castration. Is there something wrong with that? If a man ruins the lives of five, ten, fifteen people, it just seems fitting. Jail time isn't going to do nothing. Seems like a good protective measure if you ask me. This is not me hating MEN. I love men, I adore them, and I would get no pleasure in seeing their genitals bitten off. This is me hating rapists, male or female. There is a difference.

I didn't really care for the way the film depicted men. Apparently, they're either pigs, rapists, molester's, or pedo's - take your pick. And, consequently, I didn't like the way it depicted feminism. Objectively speaking, I didn't think the men in the film really deserved what they got anyway. It's hard to say. The scenes damn near made me want to throw up, rather than feel excited or relieved and whatnot. But hey, that's my opinion.

The way men and women view rape seems so different. I mean, men get raped all time too. So why is it that, from what I've observed, it's women who hold and express such strong feelings of anger and hate? Are we wrong for feeling this way? Why are we so alone in this?"

A follow up: "by conedust

Yeah, I know women who didn't like the film. Or at least who didn't like it as much as me, and I'm a guy. You ask if the film would amount to anything minus the castration scenes, and the answer is yes -- but it'd amount to something very different. Something much more toothless (so to speak).

We could turn the tables on this question by asking it of countless horror and exploitation films. What would they be without the scenes of women being killed, raped and tortured? Something very different. Does this mean that only misogynists like such films? Probably not. Just as there's nothing strange about women liking a smart, well-written and ballsy feminist horror flick. So to speak."

A movie that doesn't depict women as helpless victims of rape and violence? I'm there! Frankly, as a horror fan, I'm sick of seeing women used as devices to show of the killers cruelty. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't be writing this if this was a good movie. Is Teeth really a "ballsy feminist horror flick," or is it a emasculating piece of shit? Let's find out!

We start the movie with a blue screen. I was watching this on XBox live, so I thought that Microsoft incorporated the Blue Screen of Death. No, its the sky, which we realize a the camera pans to a nuclear power plant. Soon, we see two kids in a pool, Dawn and Brad. Brad's dad is dating Dawn's mom, and doesn't like Brad splashing Dawn. The two argue in true bad acting fashion, except the little boy manages to out act the dad. After the argument, it is implied that Brad pulls out his... yeah. Then he molests Dawn, but promptly gets his finger bit. A seven year old molests a five year old. Thank you, movie. Thank you for keeping this classy.

Roughly twelve years later, we see Dawn giving a speech about staying a virgin until marriage. This will be the theme throughout the first half of the movie, but wait, it will change. She also looks like Heather Graham's stunt double, which fits, because during the speech, she sees Tobey, a boy who looks like he killed Nick Jonas and did a Buffalo Bill with his skin. After the speech, Dawn and her friends meet Tobey, and agree to a group date. Dawn goes home, where we find out her brother likes to have anal sex with women, her mother is dying, and her brother likes to scare his sister by jumping out at her completely naked.

The next day, Dawn goes to school, where she's made fun of for being a virgin. At her sex ed class, we see a picture of a penis in a book, but when the page is turned, the school board puts a giant gold star over the vagina. I guess the school approves? Dawn explains that this is because women have a natural modesty, causing most of the class, save for Tobey and another guy, Ryan, to heckle her. The next scene, she goes to see a movie with her friends and Tobey... just so long as it isn't rated above PG. Dear Lord, these kids are 17. The only excuse for this kind of writing is if they're in a Mormon county in Utah. As the plate on Tobey's car suggests when they show up at make out cave, though, they're in Texas.

Wait a minute... they don't want to watch a PG-13 rated movie because of "scenes of heavy making out," but they go to the cave where teenagers go to do the bop, so to speak? Whose idea was this? Oh, and when the scene starts, we see a tree with a hole in it that looks like a vagina. Yes, this movie will do that a lot. In fact, there's a scene later where Dawn and Tobey go into the cave, but the foreshadowing is so heavy, that you wonder when the camera's going to pan out and show that the cave is in shape of a cameltoe.

After Tobey mentions he isn't a virgin, they leave, and suddenly Dawn's in bed, fantasizing about Tobey. Before she starts masturbating (a phrase that rivals "While Wesker is being sucked off"), she catches herself, and scolds herself for fantasizing. After showing up late for class, she calls Tobey to tell him they can't date because they feel attracted to one another. Because she's 17 and just starting puberty apparently, she talks to her brother, who suggests they have sex. Okay, he's her step-brother, but still... really? She runs to the cave, and calls Tobey, telling him that they have to talk.

He shows up, and Dawn tells him that she brought her swimsuit. She changes into what can only be described as a the least revealing swimsuit known to man, while he strips to his underwear. After swimming for a bit, they get cold, go inside the cave (hence the cameltoe thing), and start making out. Before things get too heavy, Dawn says "no," but Tobey makes the non-convincing argument of "I haven't jerked off since Easter." Why does he remember that, exactly? He pulls his shorts down, tries to rape her, but stops when he hears a crunch. He pulls back where we see that his penis has been bitten off. Actually, all we see is his sack and pubic hair with no sign of a penis being there in the first place. He jumps into the water, and we never see Nick Jonas again.

The next day, Dawn tries to give a talk about purity, but can't because she's rattled by being raped. After the speech, a dance to the most annoying Europop music ever starts to happen, but Dawn finds Ryan who drives her home, and asks her out. She laughs at him, leaving him to drive off while she gets on her bike to see if Tobey survived. Ryan turns around, knocks on the house door and promptly gets sucker-punched by Brad. Brad goes back to his room, which is covered in porn posters. I found something funny out from IMDB. This movie has a 5.8 star rating. According to IMDB's reference page, the porn movies that have posters in this jerk's room not only have the same five people in them, but have a higher rating on average than this movie. Granted, they're rated by a different group of people all together, but it's still funny.

After Dawn finds Tobey's stump being eaten by a huge mantis, again, thanks, movie, she runs home and researches Vagina Dentata. This leads her to go see a gynaechologist. On her way there, we see billboards of naked women. I'm sorry, is there anyone in this movie who hasn't seen a naked woman? There's billboards of naked women, so there's no excuse for anyone to be as oblivious as Dawn proved herself to be. You see, before going to the doctor, she rips out the vagina page from her anatomy book, submerges it in water, and pulls the gold star off, leaving the page in perfect condition. She also looks at the picture as if she's never seen a vagina before, which is funny because... well... think about it. Do I really need to repeat myself?

The doctor finds out that Dawn is a virgin, and tries to-- Wait! Hold on! She was raped, bit Tobey's wang of with her toothed vagina, which means she was penetrated, but the doctor sees her hymen is in perfect condition? Anyway, Doctor Pervert decides to molest Dawn, only to get his hand captured by her vagina teeth. He sees she's a virgin, a decides to put every finger in at once? The scene plays out in such a way that she looks like a puppet on his hand, until she bites his fingers off. She then runs home to find her mother collapsed, and her brother too busy having sex with his girlfriend to do anything about it.

Dawn wakes up in the hospital waiting room, and goes to see Ryan. After telling Ryan about her tooth problem, he decides to get her drunk and have sex with her. His reaction to her being able to bite off things with her vagina is to have sex with her. There are more sexual deviants in this movie than in a Hentai game. What's more is he succeeds. The next morning, she decides to leave to tell the cops, but instead voluntarily has sex with Ryan, until he starts bragging about winning the bet of sleeping with her first. She tells him that it was a sacred vow to stay a virgin... as she's still having sex with him. The only way we know she hasn't stopped is because she bites off his wang. So far, all the guys have deserved what they got, I'll admit. But, um... Dawn is a contradictory idiot.

While she's in the hospital finding out her mom died, her step dad has a fight with Brad, trying to kick him out. Not a shouting match, and actual fight. This leads to Brad's dog, Mother, being loosed and sicced on the dad, until Brad says he didn't love his mom, he loves his sister. Back at the hospital, Brad's girlfriend tells Dawn that they knew about her mother dying, but Brad told her to ignore it. This leads Dawn to go home and do the unthinkable.

She puts on a slip and some make up, and seduces her step-brother. I just punched my self six times for even typing those words. Instead of, I don't know, calling the police on him because of all the drugs he has in the open, she decides to have sex with him, and bite his dick off. Oh, but it gets better. She drops his dick, Prince Albert and all, and the dog eats it. His dog eats his penis. HIS DOG EATS MR. WIGGLESWORTH!Dawn runs away from home and is picked up by an old man. The movie ends when Patrick Stewart's dad wants sex from her, and she flashes a seductive smile.

This movie... is fucking horrible. It tries to be funny, but is so over the top blatant that it is actually less vulgar and even less funny. The acting is mostly bland. Even worse, it takes a somewhat good idea, with a starting moral of abstinence, and turns it on its ear saying that sex is a weapon. Oh, but this isn't the bottom people.

You see, I have one coming up so bad, that it almost makes Cthulhu and The Nun look like Psycho. This is easily the lowest rated movie I have ever seen, evoking such a reaction from me, that I mutilated the DVD cover slip. This next movie is something you have to prepare yourself for, and even then, you won't be ready. Can you take the horrendous acting, directing, and god awful production of... CARNIVORE?!

Stay tuned. For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to get some lead condoms.

A Message To Yahtzee Croshaw, Should He Happen To Actually Read This: Shut the Fuck Up

I have a love/hate relationship with Escapist "Journalist," Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw. Okay, it's more like we share the same first name, and some of his reviews are funny, but the rest come off as him being a self important dick. Granted, that may be his point, but that's usually the humor I don't like without any good reason (i.e. Nostalgia Critic making fun of a good movie by only showing half of the movie cutting out the important parts, and saying it has "plot holes", but I digress). Yahtzee has a habit of making fun of games, both good and bad. Even though he admits to liking some of the good games (Bioshock for example), some of the ones he hates are for no reason other than most everyone else loves them (Uncharted 2).

Then, I saw his Darksiders review. Granted, I'm not real thrilled with the game, but I respect the artist who worked on it on several levels. That artist is Joe Madureira, a renown comic book artist. The last thing Yahtzee said is to "exercise art direction with a fucking aesthetic sense, for the love of God... (of War)." This was due to the fact that all of the designs of the characters in Darksiders are complex. I'll agree that this may not be a good thing all the time, but I'll get back to that. What irks me is the fact that this is aimed at an acclaimed artist, where as Yahtzee is not an artist, but a game designer and "reviewer." I assumed, though, it was meant to be humorous, as most of his videos are, which is why I didn't rant on it. Then I read this.

First, let me site some of the designs he mentions being better than War's. The Team Fortress 2 Sniper. He says:

"Tall, slim build. Open-necked shirt and hunter vest with rifle shells on right breast. Sunglasses. Grim, frowning set to features. Slouch hat."

Two images come to mind: This and this. Yes, people, the Sniper is essentially the drug-fiend, firearm weilding Gonzo reporter, Hunter S. Thompson, in design, the personality being completely different. It can also be argued that he's in Hunter attire, i.e. for a Safari, but with a different hat. Either way, the design does indeed work, but it isn't necessarily a marvel of what game character design should be for every game, other than that it fits the game he's in.

About Kratos: The skirt and footwear immediately indicate the ancient historical setting. The white skin is part of Kratos' backstory, while also making him very distinct among crowds of attacking enemies. The chains on his arms symbolize his servitude to higher beings. The general absence of other clothing makes him seem all the more brutal and animalistic. Here, it says, is a man unafraid of pain. That's especially obvious from the tattoo - you might want to look into some of the ancient tattooing methods from history, then imagine doing that to most of your face.

First, I do agree about the skirt and footwear, and the skin being tied to his history. After all, Kratos is "the Ghost of Sparta." But, making him distinct among crowds of enemies? The fact that he's not wearing armor whereas the enemies are takes care of that. Hell, half of his humanoid enemies don't even have skin! The chains only represent his servitude to Ares in the first game. In the rest, they represent his violent past and sins being bound to him. But, this is still arguable due to personal interpretation. The absence of clothes making him seem more brutal? Yes, and no. Hell, Torque from The Suffering looks pretty animalistic, but he has clothes. Kratos has armor in part of the second game, as well, when he's a God, but he's even more brutal than he is in the first game. He may not have clothes on because it A: Restricts his free flowing movements, B: It instills fear into his enemies (the not fearing pain bit) or C: to cause him more pain. Notice, the only time he has armor is the beginning of God of War 2.

Finally, his verdict on War: So, where to begin. War has a thing on his head that I can only describe as a "red riding hood." His long white hair spills out the front and a symbol that doesn't mean shit is cut into his forehead. ... Fuck, I dunno. War is apparently some kind of grotesque Thalidomide victim. He wears a cowl to cover the fact that he has a girls' hairdo. He likes wearing faces on his armor, presumably so he has something to talk to when he gets lonely. He is also very cross all the time, probably because it takes him an hour to get dressed every fucking morning, and by noon the sweat would make him smell like a wrestler's laundry basket. And from a distance he looks a bit like a giant metal haystack.

Now, tell me, what does Kratos' tattoo mean exactly? Yes, the ancient method of tattooing was extremely painful, but, for design purposes, Yahtzee hacks one character for having a meaningless symbol on his forehead while a character he likes has a meaningless tattoo on his whole body that means nothing. Playing Devil's Advocate, it could be that Kratos' tattoo is essentially a symbol of his pain, or lack of fear of pain, where as War isn't supposed to feel pain. The tattoo on War's head could be a marker of him being a Horseman, War, fighting for the Council, or even the fact that he is in servitude to the council. It could be a branding, like he was so much cattle.

The faces on the armor, War's color scheme (his Red Cowl) the long hair, its all an interpretation meant to make him both fit into the game's universe as well as have an artistic interpretation of what War was meant to be. Granted, its a very loose interpretation, and I'm not a fan of the design myself, but that isn't the point here. The point in part, is that this is what Joe Madureira interpreted as War, be it for better or for worse. Yes, it fits in with the game, but that doesn't mean it is attractive. At the same turn, that doesn't mean Yahtzee should try to give him the advice of "back the fuck off from his drawing table before he does the world permanent damage." And here's why; who is Yahtzee to say this to an artist who is respected enough to have a game made from his designs?

Here's the kicker. As some of you may know, I'm a graphic designer. When we get an assignment from a client, that client gives us specifications of what they want in their design. We draw up some designs, and the client picks the one they like best out of all of those designs. Sometimes, they like the best design in our opinion, sometimes they like the worst. This goes for game art design as well; sometimes they pick winners, sometimes losers. But, either way, most of the time, the artist only gets that little creative say into what goes into the game, once they design it, comp it, and give it to the graphics guys, they go to the next part of it while the art director supervises it all. Oh, and they art director also gets the say in which of the artist's designs even go through to the game creators. So that's at least two people that can trash all of the designs, making the artist start over.

It's possible that the developers picked one of the worst designs for War. And, yes, the unlockable concept art may show similar designs, but again, there are a lot more designs involved than the ones you see in a game. A good game to prove this is Brutal Legend. The unlockable concepts tend to vary more widely, in fact showing the main character with a beard.

Of course, this may fall on the deaf ears of the pompous know-it-alls who follow the same line of thinking of Yahtzee. And, yes, I realize the hypocrisy of the statement I just made. But here's the trick; I know what work goes into these designs, and how much work it take to get a character design, logo design, or even background design to its final stages. I also know that not all comic book art follows the suit of War. In fact, what Yahtzee says about comics shows that he knows nothing about how good comics are written, meaning he went into this with a bias. In fact, I can site some of Madureira's work as being proof that all of his designs aren't like War. As for good comic examples that prove Yahtzee is biased: A Red Mass for Mars, Watchmen, and a guilty pleasure for me, Spider-Man:The Other.

So, what I am trying to say is this: Yahtzee, a man whose design skills range from pixel graphics that are barely distinguishable as humans to basic MS Paint skills, should be one of the last people bashing a professional artist, and comic art as a whole. I don't review games and complain about the level design from a technical standpoint without doing research on it. In fact, I review games on more of a story, graphics , and overall gameplay basis, because I grew up gaming, and doing more artistic things as well as being a designer. I stick with what I know, because what I do know, I know a lot, and the technical stuff is not what I know a lot about. If Yahtzee is such an expert game designer, then he should stick to the technical aspects, because he doesn't show off any skill in the aesthetic aspect, in both reviewing and creating. I only say this because his rant ultimately culminates to "I can't do it this any better, so I'll be a meanhearted bastard," as opposed to any professional aspect, even in humor.

Maybe it's Yahtzee who should back away from the desk.

Oh, a side note, yes, I tried playing one of Yahtzee's games. It sucked... but that's just my opinion because it didn't control well, and ended up frustrating me to the point of seeing red. It also wasn't my style, therefore I won't delve too deep into it. Why did I go on this tangent? Because, I only bother to mention the gameplay, due to it being made on a Game Maker-esque program that was very limited, thereby saying it wasn't completely his fault. But, I'm still staying far away from 1313.

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Dark Ride

I have seen a lot of bad horror movies. I've seen the inexcusably bad movie Cthulhu and the nonsensical blabbering of The Nun. I've also seen bad movies that were good because they knew they were bad, like the Stephen King "laundry-gone-bad" tale of The Mangler. Usually, these movies are bad from either the script, the direction, the editing, a combination of the three, or all of those and the acting . So this is a first for me. This is a first because it isn't the script that made this movie bad. It's the cliches and, most importantly, the acting. Ladies and gentle-man, step right up for Dark Ride!

The movie starts with a picture of a creepy smiling Howdy Doody wannabe with the words "See you Next Summer" below him. Add a random phallus, and it'd be something straight from Deviant Art's "Horror and Macabre" collection. Two girls, both twins and dressed in Catholic School uniforms (don't get your hopes up), walk to the park. One of them is scared because her sister wants to go to the Dark Ride. I don't know why she's scared, unless she's afraid that the ugly curly mop on their heads will eat their brains in the dark. Every thing in the ride is incredibly fake looking, from a wooden devil, to a wax Keith Richards. While one twin is looking away, the other one flies up into the air. The ride stops at a "doctor's" exhibit, where we see that the doctor is really a killer, and the patient is the twin. The credits start rolling with news paper clippings about the dark ride, and how the city voted to shut it down. I'm watching this movie now... they didn't vote fast enough.

We meet our characters now, and this is where the movie starts to go downhill. First we meet Cathy (Jamie-Lynn Sigler) and Liz, who are talking about getting laid, high, and drunk. It's sad when Tarantino wrote a more eloquent scene about "Like A Virgin" than this conversation. We then meet Bill, the movie nerd, and Steve, Cathy's... boyfriend? Now, to get into this, I have to quote something the Cinema Snob, Brad Jones, said in his Troll review: "Never reference a better movie in your own movie." Why is there a poster for Evil Dead and Bram Stoker's Dracula in the room, then? Even better, the wax dummy premise of the killer blending into the scenes of the Dark Ride? House of Wax. So far, this movie referenced three better movies. To make the room weirder, Bill owns a blow up doll... with the devil's head. Where in the hell does one get something like that, much less form a fetish based off of it? As they leave the college, we meet the fifth freak in this band of morons, Jim. Jim is the typical college "pretty boy," except he looks like a retarded Albert Wesker. In fact, since I have a friend named Jim, I'm just going to call this asshat "Wesker."

The five go to a red van with a guy painted on it. Wesker kisses the painting of the guy (and he's a ladies' man?) and tries to get in, but is stopped when Bill starts screaming quotes from Midnight Cowboy. That's four movies now. After a driving montage of them all playing pattycake while Wesker drives and makes weird faces, they end up at a gas station. Bill goes in and finds the gas clerk having a stare down with the camera. By the way, the gas station is the same set as the one in The Hills Have Eyes. Five movies. Bill rambles on about the Deer Hunter for some reason (six), and leaves, telling Wesker and Steve about the guy. They go in, find that he's gone, causing Steve to shout "Who do I have to blow to get some service!" The man comes out, tells him the gas price and waits for his blow job. Of course, Wesker rags on him about this, despite kissing a picture of a man earlier in the movie.

We cut to a mental institution (seven for the Black Christmas, reference), where two orderlies are tormenting Jonah, the killer, with meat. The skinny one starts yelling at him, and eventually screams "Accent!" What, is the director screaming notes, and the actor confusing it with lines? Hell, earlier, we see him with his face pressed up to the glass with a flashlight under his chin, making him seem like the killer, now he's torturing a guy in a straight jacket with raw meat, screaming director's notes at him? No wonder Jonah breaks free, stabs the fat orderly with a flashlight (I shit you not), making a hole you can see the skinny orderly through, and then eats the skinny guy.

We cut to a montage of the kids traveling, until Bill mentions finding a pamphlet for the Dark Ride. They decide to go there, despite Cat making stupid faces and saying its a dumb idea. Along the way, they pick up a female hitch hiker. Wesker does this because he thinks that, even if she's a psycho-nympho that will kill them, at least he gets fucked. Even better, she dresses and acts like Baby Firefly from House of 1,000 Corpses. Seven movies, and we aren't even an hour into the movie. That has to be a world record. One that's going to break itself very soon, I'm willing to bet. Anyway, not-Baby-Firefly tells them that her name is Jen, which makes Wesker all the more horny, saying, "Jim, Jen! Jim, Jen! We're meant for each other." He also starts making a stupid face every five seconds with his mouth gaping and eyes wide. It's the look you have when watching something so horrible that you don't want to watch. You know, like this movie. Turns out she wants to see the Dark Ride, too, so they take off.

When they reach the Dark Ride, Wesker gapes again as a security truck drives by, and a guard takes a drunk away from it. They decide to park the van in front of the Dark Ride, even though they just saw the security truck right the hell in front of them. Steven tries to convince Cat to come with them, to which she says, "I'm not Catwoman." This is how bad the movie is: Catwoman, is a better movie than this, and they referenced it and Batman Returns. I'm counting this as two, making it nine movies. When fucking Catwoman is abetter movie than yours, and you're not Uwe Boll, you have to evaluate your movie making prowess.

Wesker finds a way into the Dark Ride, and lets the rest, save for Cat, inside. Why they didn't follow is beyond me, but that question is quickly dismissed as Wesker is scared by a wax Keith Richards. At least, I hope its wax, otherwise, he has some serious money issues to appear in this movie. As the kids enter, Jen tells Wesker that she like a useful guy, making him gape again. Liz expresses that she's surprised that he got it working. What he says to this, I'm not even sure I heard it right, mainly because he doesn't enunciate: What you think I'm only good you slishz I don't think szlo!" I have heard a lot of incomprehensible lines such as "Padre Pine in a Corridor" or the infamous "Trevor doesn't want a Yee-yee." But at least you could make out some of the words, no matter how nonsensical they may be, out of it. He's just happy to slur his lines like a drunk, and the director doesn't seem to care. Sure, you can use the characters smoking pot as an excuse, but even drug movies don't have lines like this.

After looking around and smoking more pot, they come across a suburban style exhibit (apparently the Dark Ride is a museum now, not a roller coaster). Wesker finds a dummy of a little boy, picks it up, and dances with it. He razzes his buddy about nearly blowing an old man, but Wesker kissed a painting of a man, and is dancing with a dummy of a little boy. So far, Wesker has done more questionable things than offering an old man a BJ. After he finishes dancing with the boy, they start talking about the killer being killed, even though he was locked in a mental asylum. Bill corrects them, saying that his cousins were killed just before Jonah was caught.

They go deeper into the Dark Ride where Steve catches a glimpse of... something. It ends up to be Cat, with a fake throat wound. Ends up that Bill, Jen, and Cat planned this to play a joke on Steve to get back at him for sleeping with another girl behind Cat's back. Steve tells Cat to, "Get fucked, and stay fucked for a while." You know, I may have given this movie too much credit. This is the dumbest use of the word "fuck" I have ever heard. "Stay fucked for a while?" That makes little sense.

Steve goes off somewhere, Jen takes Wesker to the entry way to blow him, and Cat, Bill, and Liz go to look for Steve. Jen takes off her shirt showing she has no bra. This would be typical horror movie schlock, except that earlier in the movie, she changed her shirt, and showed that she did have a bra on. Anyway, Cat finds Steve, mutilated and made into a marionette. Liz and Cat go to find Wesker, who is off gaping his face off. Bill is seemingly forgotten, as he doesn't show up for most of the rest of the movie.

While Wesker is getting sucked off (how I never knew those words would be written), Jonah comes by and cuts Jen's head off. Wesker, not noticing the difference pulls her head up, drops it, turns around, and knocks himself out by running into the pipe he was holding onto while getting his whinkey whacked. Wesker is an intellectual giant, as you can plainly see. You see, Jonah thinks Wesker's dead, so instead of checking to make sure, he runs off to find Liz as she screams like a maniac. Wesker wakes up and tries to get out of the entry way.

Liz finds an ax after being chased by Jonah, but as she leans forward to grab it, she ends up jumping through a hoop. Jonah kills her, of course, but for the life of me, I can't bring myself to care how he did. It does cause the security guard to check it out. He finds Cat, but almost immediately gets his head cut in half vertically by the ax Liz was trying to get. Cat runs off and finds a way out letting Wesker fend for himself as she reaches the van and drives off.

Wesker finally comes face to face with Jonah in a room with a wall of spikes. Jonah is about to kill Wesker when Cat drives through a wall and hits Jonah into the wall of spikes, killing him. What the fuck? They used real spikes for this ride? Really? Really?! Anyway, Bill comes out and says that Psycho (ten) was wrong; a boy's brother is his best friend, not his mother. Ends up, Bill is actually Jonah's brother, and planned on killing the kids if Jonah hadn't done it, because Jonah would kill people for Bill's amusement. I'll give the movie this, it is a different twist. It didn't work, though, because Bill was nonexistent through the second half making him a suspicious character. He then looks at Cat and thanks her, thus ending this movie.

This movie needs to go to the deepest, foulest bowels of Hell from which it came. The story is hackneyed, the acting is slurred and drunken, and the movie reminds you that you could be watching a better movie at nearly every point of the movie. Trust me, this makes Killer Klowns From Outer Space look like Citizen Kane. For now, this is the Window Keeper, signing off to possibly beat Resident Evil 5 to see Wesker gape.

Updates Again

So, okay, I haven't been reviewing in a while. Portfolio is kicking my ass, but I will get to reviewing again soon. I have run into another problem, though.

The Hellraiser series is on hold. Why, you may ask? Because I can't find two of the movies: Hellseeker and Hellworld. They aren't on XBox live, or PSN, and I can't find them at any video store. Instead, I'll probably end up doing Stir of Echoes 2 and a few other movies.

Yes, Man-Thing, Dark Ride, and Carnivore are still on their way, though.