A Quick Note

I was thinking of putting a disclaimer up, but I realized something: If I really need to put a disclaimer up because exactly one person tried to use my own review as proof of their argument that had no ground whatsoever, that's an insult to whatever repeat readers I have. Let's be honest, I more than likely don't have many readers. Herein lies the trick, though: I really don't care.

I write my movie and game reviews for two reasons. The first being I do get commissioned to write freelance reviews for an upstart independent magazine that I put on this blog as well, with the magazine editor's permission. These have extended to the Horrid Horror Movie Reviews as of late, as well. Yes, the pay sucks, but that leads to reason number two.

I love to write, whether it's a fictional story, or putting my opinion online. Some people may not agree with me, and that's perfectly acceptable. What isn't acceptable is when people make assumptions about me through this blog. When I do non-HHM Reviews, I do ask for input from other people about their translation of a movie. This isn't unusual for any movie reviewer, many prominent ones, such as Roger Ebert, having done so in the past. It is quite possible for me to find evidence later on that something I wrote may, in fact, be wrong after I publish the post. Luckily, I can edit it on this blog, but usually I may not get around to it due to the fact that I have school, work, a girlfriend, and a life.

What also isn't acceptable is trying to pick arguments for the sake of picking arguments. I have gotten in polite political discussions more civil than an argument I had with someone yesterday because she was convinced that she was right about something because she read it somewhere. I have a friend who is in that particular field, who corrected what was initially said in the blog, after showing me evidence that it was not completely correct. I then went to research it myself, including several reputed journals and guides, and corrected my entry. The kicker is that her opinion was not only based off of something that holds no water in the real world (about as much as saying Cindy Crawford has skin cancer because of her mole), but also because "she's right, I'm wrong (added to the fact that -- OH NO! -- I made a typo... which fucking happens)" just for the sake of believing that she was right. Who am I going to trust: the professional talking to me as well as the research laid out in front of me (added to the fact that I have been studying the same field since the middle of high school to recently), or someone who read an argument that most professionals don't read into?

I'm sorry for the irate nature of this post today. I do try to keep it light around here on purpose (if not for my few readers sanity, then for mine), and I hate having to put stuff like this up. If you're opinion is educated and different than mine on any topic, feel free to comment and discuss it. As long as you're civil (on my other blog, I even had a guy joke around, which is perfectly acceptable), I will calmly reply. I love discussing different opinions that are intelligently thought out. But, if you try to use my own posts as a condescending attack against me, you are not going to like the results.

Again, I apologize to the few regular readers I have on here. I know that I do have some, and I appreciate it. Whether you laugh at the HHMR's, or just enjoy reading my reviews, know that, while I do this for the fun of it, the fact that there may be people who enjoy reading what I write means a hell of a lot. Thank you!

Ben

Pliet Filet!: The Black Swan Review

I, being a heterosexual man, never really took an interest in ballet. Strangely enough, I also never got in to the whole, "Durrr, lesbians are hot," thing, either. So, when I heard about Black Swan being about ballet, I was disinterested. When I saw a bunch of oversexed dimwits making a big hooplah over the scene where Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman make out, I was actually pushed further away. After seeing Luke Mochrie's review of it, and talking with my girlfriend about what movie to see this week, we decided to go see Black Swan.

First off, let me put this out there: Yes, there is a lesbian sex scene in this movie with Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. If that's your prime reason for seeing this movie, prepare to be disappointed. It's not sexy. What's weird is that I mean this in a good way. If it was meant to be sexy, the movie would not have been as effective of a Thriller as it is.

The overarching story is about Nina, played by Natalie Portman, a ballerina who wants to play the lead part in Swan Lake. Her director, played Vincent Cassel, sees that she can play the White Swan, but wants her as the Black Swan as well. After some "convincing" (and it's not what you think), he casts her as both roles. Adding to Nina's pressure is her overbearing mother, the sexual advances and advice of director, and her rival, Lily, played by Mila Kunis, who at times is a sneaky threat, and at other times seen by Nina as her dark version.

Every thing in this movie is done purposefully, and very well. As a thriller, it's important for the audience to relate to the main character. I would normally find it hard to relate to a character who was a ballerina, but to me, that felt like a side note to what the story actually is. Nina is a perfectionist who is growing more and more paranoid that her rival wants her role, as well as not being good enough for it. Added to the pressure of wanting to keep her role in the ballet, Nina starts driving herself crazy, becoming obsessed with it. The deeper into the obsession she goes, the more chaotic things become for her.

What most directors would do is shove this in the viewers' faces. Darren Aronofsky doesn't, showing us Nina's gradual collapse of sanity at first very subtly, and ending with a visceral scene. Every scene is designed to seem surreal. Every character is made to be just over the line of sanity, at first to show the pressure on Nina by the outside world, and then to show how much Nina changed from innocent to her own dark reflection. Every line of dialogue is written to keep the viewer on edge. All of this mixed together means that the movie never has a dull moment. In today's films, where the middle of the movie usually seems flat (I'm looking at you, Faster), this is a refreshing change of pace. That is the only thing refreshing in this movie, because it's dark tone is constantly looming. No matter how subtle a it is, something off kilter is always happening, whether it's Nina's painted portraits changing expression in the beginning of the movie, or passing by herself in the ballet, her "duplicates" laughing at her.

Part of what makes her so paranoid is the fact that the Black Swan is portrayed as the White Swan's evil twin, which, in the beginning, Nina cannot understand how to play. She's shy, seemingly innocent, but quite possibly has some issues. Her scratching points to Borderline Personality Disorder, her hallucinations point to psychotic disorders (not schizophrenia, as I initially heard before, because they're visual hallucinations, not audio), the pressure she puts on herself points to depression, her alternate personality (if it even is that) points to dissociative fugue. I short, if she wasn't even a little bit crazy before (which is hinted at), the events in this movie don't help.

I have to point out that the choreography for this movie is amazing. It opens with a bit of ballet between Nina and the Evil Black Swan. While she seems to be graceful, the choreography is done to make it look like she's not in control. This only adds to the disturbing feeling of what's to come later on. Also, the way the choreography and the special effects meld in one of the last scenes of the movie is purely amazing, beautiful, and disturbing all at once. I do have to point out one bad thing, though. The camera work in the beginning of the movie is extremely shaky. This hinders a few subtly creepy images in the beginning of the movie that foreshadow events later on. But, it's not enough to break the movie, either.

Black Swan is truly a rare bird (pun intended) in today's world: a thriller movie that is genuinely frightening for the right reasons. It's intense, the writing is disturbing, and even though you go into it with doubts, the movie surprises you in the end with just how good the entire product is. To top it off, almost anyone can relate to the pressures Nina feels, not that everyone is a ballerina, but a lot of people have been put in the situation where they got something they really wanted, but at the price of fear of losing it to a rival. Black Swan is an unnerving work of art, well worth the price of admission.

I give it 6 out 6 music boxes.

... Also, I do have to point out that the line, "You had a weird lesbo wet dream about me!" is on of the most awesome lines ever written in a movie.

Horrid Horror Movie Review Update

I have a bit of bad news for the fans of the HHMR. I was planning on reviewing Scarecrow Gone Wild this week, but I have to put that on hold. The reason being this: you have to see how bad this movie is. Words cannot describe it, from the mumbling, to the "jokes," to the dialogue that's put together from random sentences , to even guest appearances from the Nostalgia Chick's skinny twin and the boom mike (and I'm not convinced that they're different people).

I do plan on getting a web cam so I can start filming my reviews, school schedule allowing. That being said, this one's on the top of the list to get reviewed when I do get the camera.

Unless I find another terrible movie, next week, I plan on starting Zombie Month with Zombie Strippers. Stay tuned!

Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Ho-Ho-Horrible Holidays Part 3: Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

Let's talk about a good horror movie for a second. I 1989, Charles Band and his small movie company, Full Moon Entertainment made a low budget classic named Puppet Master. The movie was about puppets that were brought to life by their creator, Andre Toulon, who killed himself after hiding the puppets to keep the secret out of the hands of the Nazis in WWII. As the series progressed, the puppets went from being evil, killing seemingly innocent people, to good, defending innocent people from harm.

In 1992, after the sequel hit, Charles Band decided to cash in on the gimmick, and make the incredibly dull Demonic Toys. The characters were unmemorable, and the monsters bordered on obnoxious. Needless to say, Puppet Master spawned seven more sequels, and Demonic Toys had one.

Unless you count the crossover made for the Sci-Fi channel. Oh, yes... I'm scraping into that barrel now. Normally, I'd avoid it, seeing as picking on the Sci-Fi channel is like picking on an illiterate deaf-mute paraplegic with a terminal illness, but this movie warrants it. After all, these are the same people who brought us "Lexx," a show about alien sex, and the name change to "SyFy," thus making it even more futile to teach our children English because we're going to fuck it up anyway. Also, Santa, being the fat failure (WARNING: Very Not Work Safe) he is brought this stocking stuffer of shit instead of something good. Without further ado, let's tear into Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys.

We enter the Toulon Doll Hospital where Corey Feldman--

Hold on, my brain just came to a screeching halt. Picture this: Corey Feldman wearing a painted white wig and granny glasses. Keep in mind that he's 33 at the time of production, and the SyFy channel doesn't have the budget to make him look older than by a painted wig. Now, imagine that his daughter, who is supposed to be 15, looks the same age as he does. Done laughing yet? They're our heroes!

He asks his daughter, Alex, if she's done making the "bitch," then says he meant "batch" but was thinking of her mother. Turns out that Feldman and Alex are the remaining Toulons, and they were working on a mixture to bring the puppets to life. By mixture, I mean blood and vodka. I'm dead serious. What's more is that it somehow works. Much to Feldman's chagrin, the evil Erica Sharpe is at Sharpe Toys Headquarters, watching them via Ladybug Cam. It's important to note that we only know where the bad guys are because they show us two different signs in the same shot.

As Feldman introduces the puppets to Alex, Sharpe and her lacky tell their teenaged secretary that the board of directors want to meet her since she's a virgin. Not thinking this is in the least bit bizarre, she follows. I'm not buying this whole virgin thing due to her being dressed like a sexy school girl. Whose her boss, Larry Flynt? Anyway, Sharpe invites her to "play with her toys." This would be kind of hot if it weren't for two things: 1: Erica Sharpe's lips seem to be a constantly growing parasite that's feeding off of the rest of her face. 2: Riff Raff leering at them from not even two inches away.

Oh, she actually meant "toys." Ends up that Baby Oopsie-Daisy, Jack Attack, and Grizzly Teddy attack her until Sharpe puts her in an iron maiden to sacrifice her to Ba'al. Oh, I'm sorry, the Sci-Fi channel didn't have the budget to use a real demon. Bael, who ends up being a guy in a Halloween mask (what is this-- I don't even...) explains that Erica's father sold his soul to bring her toys that were evil. Sharpe wants the puppets now, and promises Bael Alex Toulon if she can keep Feldman for herself, as well as the puppets. Bael agrees, and she sends Riff Raff and two guys to rob the Toulon's.

The burglars break in while Feldman and his "daughter" are asleep. The toys fight the burglars, causing such a noise that Feldman comes down, and gets knocked out. Six Shooter accidentally starts a fire, which causes the burglars to rush off. Alex puts the fire out, awakens her "dad," and finds the puppets knocked out. A police woman, pointing her gun at them, comes down, and Feldman explains that it was just an accident. He gets her number, and she drives off.

The next day, Feldman finds the Ladybug cam. Alex traces the serial number to Sharpe, and Feldman calls the police woman. She tells him she's on her way to Sharpe's, which makes him think that they're working together. He takes the puppets and Alex to her grandmother's house, and leaves Alex to make more of the formula so he can investigate.

He sneaks into Sharpe's building, and by "sneaks," I mean, casually walks in the backdoor. After being spotted by Riff Raff and Baby Oopsie, a chase scene ensues. Feldman, running like his arms are tied to his torso, somehow manages to outrun the baby doll who has the power of fart-flying. Luckily, he finds the police woman. Unluckily, he's accusing Sharpe in front of her charity, which forces the police woman to threaten him with mace... twice. She escorts him out, but lets him go if he promises to go home.

Alex figures out that Sharpe is evil because her logo matches that of a metal band who claims to worship Satan. Upon that revelation, Feldman decides to use her blood for the mixture, asking her if she's a virgin... and eyeballing her like he wants to fix that. Way to stay in character.

Later that night, while Feldman and Alex repair the puppets, police woman breaks into the Doll Hospital, only to be attacked by the toys. She then finds the house Feldman is squatting in. How did she find it that fast? "Detective work." Oh! Well that explains everything... except the fact that no one knew where they went. After meeting the newly enhanced cyber puppets, police woman decides to stop Sharpe from awakening the toys on Christmas day by breaking into her office and killing her with the puppets. This goes bad as she's knocked out by Baby Oopsie, and the puppets and Alex are taken by Sharpe's goons.

Feldman gets attacked by Oopsie, and wakes up in Sharpe's office. Sharpe tries to seduce him, but the puppets are making too much noise. She leaves to sacrifice another secretary (aren't they losing money by this? For that matter, how come the police hasn't asked about the missing secretaries yet?) so that Bael can fondle Alex. The puppets attack Feldman's guards when Riff Raff gives him the elevator key. Jack Attack then screams so loud that Riff Raff's eyes explode. The toys cut Jack Attack in half and tie him to the metal box.

Police woman, always eager to shoot something, almost kills Feldman in the elevator. She then joins him as they go to the basement. Here, we finally get what we're waiting for. Jack Attack attacks Jester, who bashes him in the face with his new mace. Blade filets Grizzly Teddy. Six Shooter misses every shot at a guard, while police woman hits him. Pinhead throws Oopsie into a pit. And Feldman, who has a gun, opts to tackle a guard instead of shooting him, until Pinhead lightly knocks on the guard's head, before getting shot by the dying guard. By the time this is done, Bael notices that Christmas has come, and takes Sharpe's soul. After an awkward scene of the police woman asking Feldman and Alex over for dinner, we see Baby Oopsie come out of the pit from Hell to say, "Merry Christmas my ass, and Crappy New Year!"

This movie sucks like a nuclear powered Hoover. The acting is horrendous, the casting is questionable, and the plot could have been executed in an hour instead of 88 minutes. This means we have 28 minutes of nothing going on, except for awkward innuendos from a woman with a permanent duck face and a washed up child star to his "daughter." It's a disgrace to the legacy of Puppet Master and Demonic Toys, which is funny considering that one doesn't have a legacy to begin with!

Well, that rounds up the Holiday Horror theme. Next week, I'm going to have a movie that has got to be crappy. Thankfully, it'll be somewhere warm, too...

In all seriousness, have a happy holidays, a Merry Christmas, and a safe and Happy New Year! This is the Window Keeper, signing off to hide under the tree with some milk and cookies. This will be a challenge figuring my tree is only a foot tall... huh.

Dissection Imminent: First Look at "Dead Space 2"

Well, out of curiosity, I played the demo for Dead Space 2. I liked the first, was underwhelmed by the rail shooter, and the movies are terrible. So, I went into this one with trepidation, but still tried to keep my mind open. Here's a list of good and bad things I noticed.

Good:

- Monster design is more organic. Instead of being mutants with pustules or random limbs growing out of their bodies, they have the feel of mutilated human bodies. I also noticed that detail such as different rates of decomposition were easily seen.

- Wounds on the monsters appear when you don't dismember one. Likewise, blood splatters on you when you step on one, too.

- New weapons do feel balanced, taking you out of the "tools," and steadily introducing "actual" weapons to the game.

- For the most part, same gameplay that made the first game fun.

Bad:

- Who in the right mind makes a mini-game use a 1"X 1.5" view, off centered from the screen and character? Especially when most of the screen is available to use.

- The first half of the demo is walking through the same room no less than five times. It's not suspenseful when you go through the same exact area, and nothing happens. This could be attributed to the fact that the demo takes place in the middle of the game.

- Speaking of that, the demo has no tutorial, unless you want to sit down and read every backlog you have "collected." This is bad form for a demo seeing as, well, it's a demonstration of a new game. It also hurts players of the first game because they changed the entire control scheme without any notice other than the backlogs.

- It's not scary. A lot of the jump scares are predictable. And the rooms, for some reason are mostly well lit.

- Controls... Isaac moves incredibly slow, for some reason. The new Zero-G mechanics are a pain to control, and feel clunky.

- Why did they give Isaac a voice? The purpose of him being a silent protagonist was so the player can put themselves in his shoes. When you here his voice, it takes all of that away. He didn't say a word in the first game, why does he speak now?

All in all, I'm hoping that this is just demo jitters, but I'm not really impressed. While I'm not ready to write it off as a failure, it feels unfinished, unpolished, and a big step back instead of forward. Again, though, this is a demo, and the final product may be a lot better than this. Figuring the final product is coming out next month, I hope it does. The improvements that are made are noticeable, but some of the glaring flaws and design choices push those back, too. Also, it's impossible to tell what is going on when the demo puts you in the midst of everything, yet, puts plot points in it anyway. Show off the gameplay without spoiling the story. In fact, in a game like this, don't make the demo segments from the game. Show off the game, but make the demo different to keep the player on their toes.

Give it a try if you really want to play Dead Space 2, early. But, I think you'll appreciate the final product more if you try the full game out.

So, What was Sir Patrick Stewart Even Doing? The "Castlevania: Lords of Shadow" review

I am fully aware that this review should've been done a long time ago. Normally, I'd have no one but myself to blame, but that isn't just the case. I blame the game as well. It wasn't that it was a bad game, it was that I wanted to relish the story, take in the sights of the world around me... And question why Pan was in a game that was supposed to be a "religious" story. But, I digress. I finally beat Lords of Shadow, and this is what I have to say: It's frustrating, hard, annoying... but worth playing for the story and graphics alone.

You play a Gabriel Belmont, a knight for The Order, who seeks to defeat the titular characters so that he can rebuild the God Mask and bring his dead wife back to life. Along the quest, he meets Zobek, and older knight voice by Sir Patrick Stewart, and fights many familiar monsters such as werewolves, vampires, and grim reapers. Where the story takes a turn is the fact that you don't fight Dracula, opting more for a religious epic instead of a fantasy epic. This is truly bizarre when through half of the game, you're aided by a Satyr... for reasons I don't want to spoil. Despite not being able to make up its mind in the beginning, the story does invoke a grand scale that warrants appreciation.

In speaking of grand scale, the graphics are beautiful, especially the many vistas that are shown off in the game's twelve chapters. When not admiring the view of a beautiful landscape while platforming, you're either fighting detailed monsters, or climbing a massive titan. The titan battles seem to be taken right out of Shadow of the Colossus, but, to me, feel more natural in this game. To round out the presentation, the voice acting is very well done on most parts, but I really wish Gabriel wasn't as pathetic sounding as he was in the game. Granted, he's been through a lot, but he goes through most of the game sounding like he's feeling sorry for himself.

The game is naturally difficult. Enemies will swarm you, only retreating upon defeat or during quick time kills. Bosses are relentless and fierce, and platforming, despite being made simpler by paths that light up, is pretty tricky at points. Unfortunately, the game does have a major flaw that I only noticed during the last half of the game. The controls are extremely unresponsive, and not friendly towards some of the precise moves you have to make. Several times, I tried to walk so I could jump, and my character wouldn't move an inch. I waited a bit and tried to go again, and he sprints off of the ledge. This is also a major problem where you need precise movements during the last boss. While this does add to the annoyance and frustration, it's not so bad that it's game breaking.

As much as I liked the game, I can't say that it was necessarily the right game for me. It's beautiful, epic, and fun to play, but I can't say that it drew me in, personally, as much as Dante's Inferno or even Splatterhouse (part of that last one is nostalgia, though). But, unlike games like Halo, I can understand why people would love this game as much as they do. It would have been a discredit to myself if I hadn't played this game through. Despite some issues, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is worth at least one playthrough.

Overall: A-

+ Beautiful design and graphics

+ Epic story

+ Great voice work and soundtrack

+ Challenging

- Unresponsive controls at points

- Precise jumps + bad controls = wrong kind of challenge

News and Stuff

Figured I'd take some time to seriously talk about some news and updates. First off, I've been a little bit busy lately with school, but not in the sense you may think.

The school VA sent my hours to the VA point that handles my GI Bill. I hadn't received my benefits from them, and had no word when I would. After calling, I was told that it was being processed, but I wouldn't get paid until January. This meant that I had exactly enough money to pay my bills this month... and nothing else. Thankfully, I was also expecting a student refund, a big one, at that, too. Honestly, I had no one but myself to blame, mainly because I spent a lot of money on food. Those games I reviewed? I paid for those with store credit from trade-ins (save for Black Ops). The other big money sucker were supplies for my photo class and color class.

But, the panic has subsided. My GI Bill not only got worked out, but I got paid for the rest of November. I'm still waiting on my refund, and another bonus, too. Adding to my stress was the fact that one of the Netflix movies I rented went missing after I sent it out. That seems to be taken care of as well. Thank God, too (seriously).

Well, today, Lizzy and I were hanging out at my place, playing some Rock Band 3. Last week, one of my friends bought my the Billy Joel pack, and we've been taking turns playing keyboards and singing ""Piano Man." Well, today, while playing, I see I got a message on Facebook. See, two weeks ago, I entered a contest where people say what they liked about Splatterhouse. I hadn't heard anything, so I figured, I didn't win (I had submitted the last paragraph of my review, and they did this a week after I wrote it).

Well, the message was about the contest. I was one of ten people to win it. "A big congratulations to Matt, Ben, Rob, Justin, Robert, Mark, Mike, Marcel, Ricardo, and Dustin, winners in our Share the Love giveaway! They're all getting a Splatterhouse t-shirt, a set of mini-speakers, a poster from Comic-Con and a GameStop Terror Mask! Well done, folks." Needless to say, despite having a mask, already, I am happy.

Lastly, I want to wish the readers a Happy Holidays!

Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Ho-Ho Horrible Holiday Special Part 2: Santa's Slay

NOTE: Due to the dullness of this movie, the format will be a series of terrible highlights as opposed to a general review of the entire movie.

'Twas the week before Christmas

And in my living room

I found a DVD

That could be my impending doom

It was entitled Santa's Slay

And Bill Goldberg, it did star

As I watched I wondered

Perhaps this is fetched a little too far

As over the top

As the concept should have been

This movie was dull

Bland and boring as sin

So what follows are scenes

A horrific recap

That shows why this movie

Is a tedious piece of crap

We start with a family

About to face peril

Because Chris Kattan is there

Oh -phew- No Will Ferrel

That was a close call

For these cheaters and at least one liar

Until Bill Goldberg smashes in

To light Fran Drescher's hair on fire

He drowns her in egg nog

And,with a turkey leg, to try to be slick

He imitates Heath Ledger

And shows her husband a magic trick

We meet our heroes

Emo Nick and Mary

And their boss, Saul Rubinick

Who is just a little too hairy

Mary likes hip hop and rap

Playing in her truck that's not red

In fact it's gray

And she's about as white as Wonder bread

Nick's grandpa is insane

And reveals Santa's past

Being the son of Satan

... Okay, movie, kiss my ass

Santa was challenged

By an old angel with a plot unfurling

For a thousand years, Santa must be nice

If he loses a match of curling

Of course Santa loses

And the writers, alas

Either forgot what they wrote

Or failed Elementary maths

For, you see, the date then

Was ten-sixty-five

And with sixty years left in the deal

Santa starts taking lives

He follows a preacher

To a strip club, of course

And kills the bouncer

And the valet, by his "horse"

By "horse" I mean Oxen

But that doesn't matter

The characters think it's a reindeer

Before their corpses splatter

In the club, Santa's killing

Starts to get a old

So in the midst of the chaos

He cleans a stripper pole

A bit later on

Hairy Saul meets his fate

As Goldberg pins him with a Menorah

Killing the poor, "evolved ape"

Santa also kills

Nick's grandfather so old

Who looks predictably similar

To the angel in the story previously told

On a snowmobile Nick and Mary

Lead the 'roid raging bastard on a chase

To their high school

Where they must escape, post haste

As they run, it seems

Jerry Lee Lewis was hired

Because Santa is spewing

Great balls of fire

Eventually the chase leads

Santa to his demise

As Mary's father

Blasts him from the skies

In true ridiculous fashion

Santa's sleigh ride did end

When her father shot a rocket

At the rein-oxen's head

But Santa's not dead

Oh no, he still glowers

I believe he's still in space

Gathering power

My apologies

To Mr. Jhonen Vasquez

But my ending to this movie

Is much better, I sez

As Santa is free

Of all is killing spree

So he takes a plane

To the North Pole to freeze

This movie did suck

But I assure, dear reader

The worst is yet to come

From the holiday horror theater

For now, The Window Keeper's signing off

To kill that jolly fat bastard

For his gift this year was the movie

Demonic Toys vs Puppet Master

Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Internet Personalities That Are Rising To Awesomeness

This time, the list is dedicated to the Internet personalities that have shown that they are awesome, funny, clever, and consistent in their quality (or, in some cases, improved). The guy who was pissed that Nostalgia Critic was on this list can die happy with some of these people, I bet.

10: 8-Bit Mickey: I will admit that I do not like 8-Bit Mickey's humor. I don't find him funny, at all. But, I have to respect him for two things. The first being going out on "The Tester." He tried to do something he loved, and had fun with it. The other thing, and the most important reason he's on this list, is his video about the Westboro Baptist Church protesting the Holocaust Museum. He first stated that he was going to run around in a speedo with a vuvuzela. Instead, he interviewed both sides, and made his personal judgment known to his fans. He didn't feel a need to make a joke out of it after seeing how serious it was to both sides, as well as himself. Doing what he did took balls, and I respect that. He may be # 10 on this list, but he's higher on the list of people I respect.

9: Guru Larry and Wez: I first saw Larry Bundy on Screwattack Europe's website, when his shows were "Retro Corner" and "Games That Yanks Can't Wank." As much as I liked those early efforts (from what I've seen, anyway), he's only improved. He expanded his "Can't Wank" series to British PSA's that are incredibly morbid for what they were supposed to be, and made a smaller series of videos where he and Wez find the biggest assholes the internet has to offer in multiplayer games, and give them a test of their own medicine. There is only one other English person I can think of that can do a gaming show, but with a different brand of humor.

8: Ashens: Ashens isn't your usual personality. He has a Doctorate in Psychology, and a dry sense of humor. I first saw his reviews on YouTube, as well as some his other works. He's now doing a series about bad games, giving thoughtful analysis of why they're bad, and why "professional" reviewers are not to be trusted. All of this, and a dry, sometimes self-depreciating sense of humor thrown in for free, makes Ashens worth keeping an eye on.

7: Linkara: Last year, Linkara would've been a lot higher. I don't know if it's because of stress (with a move and fans demanding a new episode about Power Rangers), but outside of Atop the Fourth Wall, he has seemingly become a jerk. Yet, I can understand why he would be upset about certain things, such as when Blogger screwed up, and told people that it wouldn't publish their comments unless they were smaller, yet did anyway after three (at least) people had to edit them down (admittedly myself included). All of them, again, myself included, apologized about the mix-up, and explained it to him. That being said, he does make up for it in his videos, and his comments.

This one is going to be a bit long, so bear with me. One episode of Fourth Wall involved two comic characters, Big Barda and Superman, being forced into porn by a villain named "Sleeze." Linkara went on a rant about how this is rape, and should not be used as a character building device, like this. While he made a point to say that it was an over used trope, and he disapproved of it, never once did he tell people who disagreed that they were wrong. He respected their opinions enough to publish them, and not say that they were wrong as long as they made their points civilly. That says something about the character of the man behind the character.

6: Bennett the Sage: When I first saw Sage, my initial reaction was that he was a self-important prick. After seeing a few of his later reviews, and guest appearances on some other webshows, I have to say, I was wrong. Again, he has a dry sense of humor, yet, he isn't afraid to get a little crazy at times, too. But, it's his game reviews that got my attention. I may not agree with all of his points, but I can trust his opinion more than other reviewers due to the fact that Sage isn't a reviewer first; he's a gamer first.

5: Papa Burch: How can you make a show about an obnoxious, child-like girl and her straight-laced, game article writing brother funnier? By making their father a foul mouthed, womanizing slacker. Papa Burch doesn't do anything but say offensive phrases that you wouldn't expect from an old man, such as "I'm in it for the hoes," or "When I grow up, I'm going to fuck your mom. Then I'm going to have a little girl that looks exactly like you, and make her life a living hell." What makes Papa Burch work so well is that he does this with a straight face, as if this was how he acted normally. If it is how he acts... God help us all. If it isn't, then the man needs an acting career on the internet. Want to know how not to make the show funnier? Base two episodes off of a guy beating his pregnant girlfriend.

4: Angry Joe: Another show I didn't like when I started is The Angry Joe Show. In fact, I still don't like it. But, I like Angry Joe for the sheer fact that he seems like a genuinely good person. When he was supposed to interview Geoff Keighley, Keighley immediately put Joe on the spot, and tried to make him look bad. Despite wanting to make Keighley look like the ass that he is, Angry Joe repressed it. He kept his professionalism about him, and drove on. It takes a big person to do that. Also, I have to admit, some of his reviews do bring up good points. The only big set back is his humor, but that's just my taste. And I can't fault him on that.

3: Allie Brosh: "How can you make a blog that's about your life interesting? Why would anyone want to read it? What makes your life so interesting, that people need to read it?" Those aren't the questions you ask when reading Hyperbole and a Half. Her articles cover topics such as dogs not handling a move well, the childhood fascination with cake, shower products for men, bad grammar, and how bad days work. And, to make it better, all of the posts are illustrated with purposely badly drawn art, just to add to the emphasis of the ridiculousness of it all. Want a laugh? Read "Sneaky Hate Spiral." You'll be glad you did.

2: Brad Jones: You have to give props to a guy who eats chocolate covered bugs at the request of his viewers. And that's not the worst thing he's done, either, for his fans. Taster of questionable drinks, watcher of bad exploitation films, and sleazy promoter of big box movies, Brad Jones has to be one of the most strong willed people on the internet. After seeing some of the movies he has seen, I don't think I would be sane (... says the guy who watched ThanksKilling...). Yet, he still shows that he enjoys doing what he does, even if he's acting jaded. I don't think I've seen anyone take more of a beating on the internet, and still come out of it smiling. Even better is the fact that his different characters are diverse in nature. You can bet that no matter what you watch on his site, you'll find something that will make you laugh.

1: The Spoony One: Let me put this out here: this isn't just Spoony so much as it is the site itself. His girlfriend runs a lot of the behind the scenes work on the site, and does an excellent job keeping up on it. But, Spoony is the one people see, and have come to see on the site. Instead of focusing on different characters for different niches, Spoony decided to make almost every review a different experience. From having clones of himself to watch a movie about Bruce Lee clones to watching a Ring-esque video edited from an FMV game, he makes sure to keep the audience watching by trying something different, and possibly embarrassing... such as dressing up as a teenaged girl. He has been the one internet personality that I've seen that has been consistently funny and clever.

To make it better, he has done things for his friends that are commendable. When Brad Jones's YouTube channel was shut down, Spoony posted the videos to get the Cinema Snob's name out (which is how I heard of him). He still posts Guru Larry's videos up. He even shows a rapport with his "Channel Awesome" buddies that I don't see with a lot of the other guys. While Spoony's in it to have fun, he doesn't seem to let it dehumanize him either. Being as popular as he is, too, that says something about the staying power of his web-persona as well as himself.

Upcoming Stuff:

Horrid Horror Movie Reviews:

Santa's Slay

Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys

Scarecrow Gone Wild

ZOMBIE MONTH:

Zombie Strippers

House of the Dead

Zombies Anonymous

Quarantine

New Series: Over-Analyisis:

X-Men: Legends

Blowout

X-Men: Legends II

Cold Winter

Prey

Narc (PS2)

The Punisher

More thoughts on Goria

And character designs for I Am Nothing and Goria

Last, but not least:

I Am Nothing: The Darkest Light: "Minxton has a habit of finding the flaws that make individuals imperfect. The city also warps those fear, maladies, and differences into their destruction. Young college student Gary Delmar knows this all to well. He has tried to hide his sexuality from the city, lest it make it his destruction. After believing he fooled the city by killing his lover, Gary starts to see that maybe he was wrong. The city still wants him to suffer. Is it Gary's guilt over his sexuality, the guilt of his crime, or something much worse than he could have ever thought?"

I'm starting with Gary Delmar's story because it adds some challenge to my writing. I've had characters that were lesbians, bisexuals or pansexuals. I never wrote a homosexual male character. For those who are worried about this, Gary isn't going to be over the top like the cast of Cthulhu. Think more Patrick from Pictures of You.

Also, for any future commenters: I will not be spammed by arguments that are childish. I respect different opinions, yes, and I will allow them on here, if they're handled like mature adults. If you come off as a jackass, though, I will leave the first comment up, but none of your other comments will get in. Please, be respectful. Also note, I don't write as "myself" all of this time, as I do write under the persona of "The Window Keeper." Keep that in mind as well.

Ben

Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Internet Personalities that Need To Go Away

I'm here with another Top Ten. This time, I'm focusing on Internet Personalities. Not the good ones, mind you, but the ones that need to drop off the face of the planet. To meet the criteria to be on this list, the personality must be offensive, unfunny, made for the sake of being childish, a blatent rip-off, or a mix of all of those. Without further ado:

10: Phelous: Believe it or not, he's not on this list because of pettiness. He's really not funny. He dies almost every episode... so, what? He still comes back, rambling like a drunk (seriously, he sounds and acts like a drunk in every video). To add insult to injury, even when he makes a "new" character, they act the same as he does. You know how Will Sasso has to tell you who he's impersonating everytime because he only does one character? The Internet's answer to that is Phelous.

9: Film Brain: He actually started off good. Nothing is wrong with making fun of bad movies, and occasionally ripping ones that were acclaimed that may not have deserved it. And that's purely an opinion based thing. What puts Film Brain on the list is that most of his reviews are nitpicks as of late. I did a break from the "Horrid Horror" because of this. I know Film Brain takes breaks, too, and I can respect that. What I can't, though, is when you call a movie terrible for little reasons that don't matter that much. I'll take him off the list if he reviews Metropia, though.

8: Lee From Still Gaming: While he doesn't appear much, Lee annoys the hell out of me. What started out as a clever solution to not having a web cam turned into a crutch. What's truly bad is when he's not putting stills up for his reviews and ends up rambling about nothing. Like in his "101 in 1 Game" review, when he had to repeatedly tell people that he wasn't drunk.

7: The Nostalgia Chick: There are a lot of things wrong with this one, a "feminist" Nostalgia Critic... that refers to herself as "Chick" being the smallest. How about the Showgirls review that over analyzes the movie (as bad as the movie was) to the point where she claims that in only made women look bad. This is despite the fact that everyone looked bad. Not her biggest complaint was the use of female exploitation in it... despite the fact that she had a review built almost entirely of staring at David Bowie's batch. That's nowhere near as ridiculous as the claim of "James Cameron if the only man who can write a good female character." This was said about Ripley from Alien. Ripley was meant to be a male, but the casting changed because not having a female would hurt the viewership of the movie. I understand wanting equal rights, but she's just a hypocrite... and not a bright one, at that. Oh... and the awful, over exaggerated Sarah Palin impression in "Kickassia." Not funny.

6: Tommy Wiseau Impersonators: What started as a childish response to Tommy Wiseau's idiotic move of suing reviewers for making internet reviews of The Room has turned into a monster. The Nostalgia Critic and Obscurus Lupa both reviewed the movie, and subsequently, a "lawsuit" was threatened by Tommy Wiseau himself. Doug Walker decided that the "mature" answer would be to take the videos down (good...) and make a new video imitating Wiseau, making him look like a bumbling moron (...and you were doing so well...). To make it worse, almost everyone on the site decided to do this same thing, including Phelous (who still acted like himself). The videos have been put back up, but questions of whether or not the lawsuit was even real are being risen. ("The Critic reviews The Room (2003). He considers it "so bad it's good", but criticizes the acting, out-of-sequence editing, unbelievable characters and repetitiveness. The episode was temporarily unavailable on the main site, along with another Room review by Obscurus Lupa, due to claims of copyright infringement from Wiseau Films, however both videos have subsequently been reuploaded onto blip.tv. Soon, on December 12, 2010, The review was posted back on the website. This may have been an attempt to purposely invoke the Streisand effect.^[1] The review was reposted in December 2010. ") Yet, the impressions still go on.

5: The Happy Video Game Nerd: A game reviewer that loves every game, and is happy. And unfunny. And unoriginal. Seriously, he didn't just change a word from "Angry Video Game Nerd." You're just imagining that.

4: The GameTrailers Annoncer: While he's not trying to be funny, the fact that this guy can't even pronounce certain words properly is amazing. The character, "Lynn" from The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena was known as "Line," for example. But, the biggest one was when Akira Yamaoka corrected the guy about the pronunciation of his mast name. During the "apology," the GameTrailers Announcer purposely got the name wrong, again. Amazing.

3: Doug Walker: He started the "Tommy Wiseau" club. He made the blatantly bad "Melvin, Brother of the Joker." His aversion for Christmas has lead him to make both Santa Christ and "Zodmas," a Holiday celebrating the birth of General Zod from Superman II. His Junior review consisted of a screaming Ah-nold baby and a Ah-nold rock of An-nolds repeating "This film is BORING BORING BORING" with a psychedelic background, and not much else. His ego can fill a universe. And to make it even worse, when he says, "You may disagree, but... I'm right," he actually means it. If you disagree with him, in his mind, no matter what, you're wrong. The guy is a massive prick that overstayed his welcome. It's a shame that the good reviewers on his site are starting to act the same way (namely Linkara, sadly to say).

2: The Amazing Atheist/The Distressed Watcher: This guy got his start by, no shit, making videos about how bad every religion is, and how worshipers are all idiots. While Penn Jillette is an atheist, he actually encourages people to spread the word about their religion. The Amazing Atheist would just berate you about it. Then, the Distressed Watcher is made. When his reviews of trailers fell flat, he started reviewing pop songs... after Todd in the Shadows started reviewing them. Following on the heels of other personalities, he's now riffing bad movies, and posting "original" art for the promo-pics. Original art, being screenshots from the movie edited in PhotoGoo. What's next, The Worried Gamer? "How dare Lords of Shadow mention God?" How full of hate does one really need to be?

1: Yahtzee Croshaw: Yahtzee took a hiatus from creating sub-par games when he became a massive prick, claiming that all games were inferior. Now, he's reviewing them, saying that all games are inferior. When he started, he wasn't that bad, usually finding redeeming factors in games. Now, every game is bad, no reason. What's worse is that people blindly follow his advice. The breaking point, though, is the analogy of America being like a fan-fiction writing girl that needs to be raped. This was about CoD: Black Ops, and his reasoning was that Americans just want WWIII. Whatever cave he went into the first time he went away, he needs to return, and stay there. No one in the right mind takes him seriously, anyway.

Unfairly Biased or Individual Point of (Re)View

I will be the first person to admit this: I am an opinionated son of a gun. When it comes to things that really annoy me or really please me, I can't shut up about them (which is still why I quote The Warrior's Way line of, "Ninjas. Damn," because of its sheer stupidity and delivery). I have stated controversial opinions about games, politics, movies, even TV shows. Most of the time, I get the obvious look of, "Shut the hell up, you moron," while other times, I get actual debates over different opinions.

And, as strange as it sounds, I love hearing reasons as to why people like the games they do (we're sticking with games for this, but this applies to everything else from politics to religion, etc). I don't understand why people like Halo because I think the story (and the levels, and about everything else) are the same game after game with only graphical evolution. Why would I want to pay more of my hard-earned cash to play the same game, but with better graphics? I hated God of War III because of its ret-conning story and stupid, stupid writing (a robotic Pandora... in ancient Greece... really?). But, I understand how people would like the game for its game play, as well wanting to see how the trilogy ended. When I wrote that review, I was more pissed with the storyline and bugs than anything else, and I'm sure they patched it by now.

Judging how many games are terribly written or done (or are just remakes of the game before under the guise of "sequel"), critics begin to show their true colors. I will admit to being biased in a few reviews ("Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock" being the one that comes to mind), but that's from a gameplay standpoint. What I've been realizing lately is this horrifying fact: Mainstream reviewers are enforcing bad games being made by major developers, and punishing the good games, or games made by smaller developers.

Think about it: Critics praised every Halo game since the first for being intelligent and "one of the best shooters ever." What was so revolutionary about it? It was structured with missions, but every FPS was doing that at the time (save for Serious Sam). Was it the online multiplayer? Could be, by why are all the other Halo games praised heavily more for these slight improvements? Note: I'm not talking about "the Forge," which I have to admit, was a great idea in the first place. I'm also not a multiplayer gamer, either (though I was playing F.E.A.R. 2 and Uncharted 2 online this week... don't judge me!) Yet, gamers loved it as well, it just wasn't my taste.

Fast forward to now: Halo: Reach. It's the same damn game, only with a different team. Hell, one Halo game featured a human character (don't ask me which one, I stopped caring after Halo 3, but I'll get to that in a second), that didn't have a regenerating life bar.

A better example is the Call of Duty series. I never liked the Modern Warfare series, but I played Black Ops. I liked it, but it wasn't worthy of the praise it was getting. I asked people I work with, as well as Military personnel who have played it, and they came to the same conclusion. Yet, most reviewers praised it. Why? Especially after the fact that Medal of Honor, which was the same damn game as every other modern war shooter has been since CoD 4 was lambasted at worst, and considered barely above average at best. Speaking from experience (training as well as talking to soldiers who fought in actual combat), MoH captured the actual feeling of war without killing off every other main character like CoD seems to like to do. If our military fought like a CoD 4 character (non-SAS), our country would be fucked.

What's particularly interesting is what critics have to say about games from smaller developers. Splatterhouse has been praised by critics from Blistered Thumbs's (a new game review and news site) Micah C, to non-gaming media such as Fangoria and Dread Central. Yet, more mainstream reviewer gave the game low reviews siting "poor mechanics," "load times," and being "classless" blood and gore. Poor mechanics? I played the game in its entirety, and while it was hard, I didn't have any problems with the games mechanics. Long load times? I never had the issue, and neither did a lot of the "little media" reviewers. And if you were expecting a game called Splatterhouse to be high art, you shouldn't have reviewed the game.

What irked me was when Blitered Thumbs had a debate over this very game for the same reasons. One reviewer didn't like the game siting these reasons, as well as personal taste (which he made very clear), while the first reviewer out right told him that he never had any of those issues. Then you have The Escapist, who criticized every aspect of the game, and still gave it a three star rating after telling people how bad it was because of its many "problems." I'm sorry, but a 30 second loading screen is no where near as bad as, say, a two minute loading screen. You know, like the ones that appear in F.E.A.R. 2, or Killzone 2. I love both of these games, but I could make a pot of coffee by the time my level loaded in those, but not with Splatterhouse.

What it feels like to me is one of two possibilities: Critics are being paid to review "popular" games well and "minor" games badly, or critics don't know what a fun game is anymore, what with the formula shooters we have today. The only way innovation is seen as good is if the innovation is incredibly game changing (LittleBIGPlanet), and even then the game may fall on its face (like Heavy Rain somehow managed to do despite being an amazing experience). Speaking as a gamer, I review games mainly by how good the story is, but also if the game was fun. I don't expect every game to be a work of art, and it shouldn't be. Not every movie is a Citizen Kane or book a Great Expectations. When can critics return to actually loving games for what they're supposed to be: fun?

Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Ho-ho-horrible Holiday Horror Movie Special Part 1: ThanksKilling

No.

No, fuck it. I'm not doing this. I have done Terror Toons while my brain was filled with images of poorly animated cartoons, Feed while suffering from the flu, and The Human Centipede. But, this... I can't call this a movie because it's only an hour long... Why, God? Why was ThanksKilling made?

To prove that we're in the right movie, it starts with a close up of an older woman's boob. After a minute, we pan out to find out that it belongs to porn star Wanda Lust, who is dressed as a pilgrim woman. Before you even think of asking, don't. It's never explained why she's topless, much less why the only breasts we see belong to an older porn star. As she's being chased by a monster, we occasionally see through a purple POV. At first, I thought this was "Boob Vision," but it's actually "Turkey Vision." She trips, and the turkey kills her after saying the most clever one-liner it could think of: "Nice tits, bitch." Ooh! I can do better! "Pass the breast meat." Ooh! I can do even better! I could not write this script! See how simple that was?

After the credits, which should've been headlined by the most AWESOME NAME EVER: General Bastard, we meet Chandler from Friends, who's our jock, and Fatass McGlobicus, who rips open his shirt to show the world his manboobs. Suddenly, old porn star boobs are looking very appealing. His reason is to get a girl to flash her "glorious, big tits." No one got the memo, because the only girl who flashes anyone is an "A" cup, and is wearing her bra. I will refer you to this conversation between Dexter and Deb Morgan for this girl's nickname. Seeing as she's not English, I guess we'll have to go with the former.

The other girl, um... Average Girl, gets disgusted and tells Little Miss Pardon My Tits to cover up. "It's Thanksgiving, not... titsgiving." Two minutes into the movie, and "tits" are mentioned seven times. That's gotta be a record. LMPMT tells Average Girl that Chandler likes them, she likes her "glorious boobaes!" and that she knows Average Girl does too. Suddenly, I am very disturbed... and very curious of what this has got to do with anything whatsoever! We meet our last guy, the Nerd, who slobbers at the sight of Chandler. Suddenly, this movie went from stupid to being about as weird as the "Twilight" phenomenon.

Elsewhere, a redneck is walking his dog, Lassie, (later known as "Flashy"), and musing about being a lonely hag. I shit you not, he calls himself a hag. So I don't have to skip around, Flashy pisses on Turkey's totem pole, and the Turkey kills Flashy after proclaiming, "I'm pissed." Redneck then finds the Turkey and talks to him about it. You know, because... who doesn't talk to talking turkeys with fucking axes! Redneck then vows to kill the villainous fowl. Sorry, my mind went to a better place. You know, the Adam West "Batman" series.

Back to what our movie calls "heroes," Fatass makes a joke about Nerd's Mom's poon, which confuses Pardon-My-Tits. Average Girl says she's thankful to be healthy, to which Fatass retorts with, "Gay!" Chandler, in his best '50's Sitcom Dad voice says, "No. Not gay at all." Nerd summons the lack of acting prowess of Martin Lawerence's evil clone, and claims that he's going "buck wild" and going to do "sexings" to "someone in this car." Pardon-My-Tits says, "Not me, I'm a prune." I'm sure she meant "prude." Average Girl shoots back with: "You're like harder to check than the JonBenet Ramsey case." Everyone laughs... for some reason. The actual line is, "Your legs are harder to shut than the JonBenet Ramsey case." I only know this, because she says is again later, and somehow its even more funny to the kids. As if it wasn't tasteless enough, Nerd still later claims that Pardon-My-Tit's legs are harder to close than JonBenet Ramesy's legs. For those of you who don't know, JonBenet Ramsey was a six year old beauty queen who was murdered back in 1996. The case is still unsolved. Yet, the truly sick thing is that this movie, not only makes fun of the case not being solved, but kind of also hints that she was a slut at the age of six.

Let me be serious here for a second. I don't like the idea of six-year-olds being entered in beauty pageants. It's a little disturbing to me. But, making a joke like this is just plain sick, and unfunny. The writers should really, really be ashamed of themselves for this. Imagine if someone said that about their children. That being said...

We meet Average Girl's parents: Sheriff Stereotype and Stepmom. Stepmom takes a dook in Sheriff Stereotype's coffee and says she wants a divorce. Stereotype says "All right, then." He then talks on the phone with AG, overhearing that Fatass wants a beer tossed to him. Stereotype gets upset. Why? The drinking? No, because tossing and driving is illegal. Then, this happens: "Oh, by the way, your step mom left me. Bye!" Yeah... not funny.

The car breaks down, making Pardon-My-Tits happy, but Average Girl either sad or happy depending on where the camera is. They decide to party there until Nerd finds the "Crawford" sign. He tells the story of how pilgrims dishonored an Indian, and one necromanced a Turkey to kill all white people. Suddenly, this movie turned into Spike Lee's wet dream. Anyway, the story has to be true, because "Turkeyologists" around the world study it. Average Girl goes to talk to her dad on the phone again, but is scared away when the Turkey calls her a "meanie." Everyone but Chandler thinks she's crazy, even after a bunny flies into the fire. In fact, Pardon-My-Tits thinks this is the cutest thing ever.

The next morning, Redneck is standing over Fatass after the Turkey dropped its Cocoa Puffs on his chest. I would say this is a euphemism, but I'm sure that's what happened. Chandler comes out and asks the Redneck an eloquent question, "Whose this creep, sir?" Redneck explains that the Turkey is killing again, and the kids drive off. Now Chandler thinks the Turkey is fake, but everyone else believes it. Twinkie House! Meanwhile, the Turkey stops a guy in a car, who tried to have sex with the Turkey. Why not? I mean, you've done everything else in this piece of shit! Oh, look, the Turkey pulls a gun out of its ass and shoots the guy.

After dropping everyone off, Chandler goes to talk to his estranged father. Estranged for two weeks, despite the fact that the movie makes it seem like years. The turkey kills both of the parents, causing Chandler to be worried about food. Meanwhile, Pardon -My-Tits is having the safest sex one can have: sex while covered up. Turkey kills the guy, then rapes and kills her. Of course, she doesn't notice that the Turkey raped her until it kills her. Ah, comedy gold... if you have no soul. Chandler and the rest of the Scooby gang find her house, but the only evidence of what happened was a feather they found inside of her, and an "extra small, gravy flavored condom." Average Girl gets the idea of going to her dad to find a book on killer turkeys.

In speaking of Turkey, Turkey visits Stereotype, who thinks that Turkey is actually a 510 year-old midget. After an awkward conversation, Turkey kills the stereotype, and wears his face to answer the door for Average Girl. Why she knocked on her own door is beyond me. Even more beyond me is why no one notices that the Turkey is not her dad. After a montage, Nerd finds a book that says they need to take the Turkey's talisman, say a Satanic chant backwards, then burn him at a stake. A hungry Fatass decides to go to the kitchen, and finds Turkey dragging off the Sheriff. He puts the Turkey in a choke hold, allowing Chandler to grab the talisman. The Turkey escapes. Fatass, annoyed at his friends for not killing the Turkey right then, goes out, finds a cartoon turkey, and eats it. The Turkey bursts out of Fatass's stomach, saying, "Gobble gobble, motherfucker!" Nerd finds Fatass, and they have a two minute long goodbye scene to the "Turkey Killed My Best Friend" song.

The remaining kids find the Turkey's Teepee, and tie him up, allowing them to do the chant. The Turkey tries to escape, but Redneck shoots the Turkey into a dumpster. After judging the Turkey dead, the teens decide to go on with life like nothing ever happened. Meaning, they forgot about their dead family, and Chandler and Average Girl have sex in front of Nerd. All while Turkey bastes in a dumpster of radioactive waste. In a residential area.

Nerd goes into the kitchen, and the Turkey sticks a thermometer in his ass, and pecks his heart out. He then stabs Chandler with an electric carver. Average Girl takes Chandler to a shed, and burns the Turkey with a lighter and spray paint, kicking him into a bonfire. After Chandler dies, Average Girl walks up to the fire, grabs a Turkey leg, and eats it. We then see a family with a turkey dinner. The Turkey gets up and says: "Do I smell... sequel?!"

I don't know how this happened, but this movie broke me. It's offensively not funny, it's concept is terrible, and when it tries to make a pop culture joke, its disgustingly vulgar and offensive to the people involved. The creators wanted a "fun, horror comedy" that people will take lightly. The only person who can laugh at this is a sociopath or the Devil, himself. These people need a run-in with a better director. Like Uwe Boll, Michael Bay, or Joel "Pink Lights and Bat-Nipples" Shuemacher. Yes, Bat-Nurps are better than this movie.

For now, this is the Window Keeper, signing off for-- What? Oh, no... not Goldberg. A Jewish Wrestler in a Christmas Movie? WHY?!

Thoughts on Goria #6: Introducing Some New Villains

I came to a few realizations today:

1: I could make a pin-up of Succubus.

2: ... and Elaine Carver, Jillian Dyer, Emily Andrews...

3: I kill off more villains than good guys, or more villains change sides, and don't get replaced.

4: I wrote a lot of characters that could fit into the Goria universe.

So, I'm doing just that. I've also come up with some new concepts for some old characters. You know, because, I matured a little bit, and realized that I want this to be Sci-Fi/Horror, but have some semblance of realism. So, let's start this:

1: Able: I can't believe I didn't think of this idea sooner. A lot of Goria's villains are Infected (Gomorrah, Vomir, Corpse, Skin-Bag), Demonic (Samael, Amon, Carapace, Succubus), Humans that are Enhanced (Sodom, Charge, Bio-Lynn, Theta) or Undead (Harbinger, The Dark). I cannot name one that is just human, but trained to kill. And, no, Trent Falon does not count. That's where Able comes in.

Able is one of the most sadistic characters I've ever made for the sheer fact that he is just human, but is fueled by pain. Able has chains tied inside of his body, coming out of his skin, attached to different types of weapons, such as weights and blades. As one could imagine, this would hurt like hell, and Able wouldn't have it any other way. Unlike Falon's sidekick, Liana Craig, who is a sadomasochist, Able is just a masochist. Pain keeps him running, and in the contrast to Pandora Celee, whose constant pain drove her insane, Able is nearly perfectly sane. And extremely intelligent.

2: The Sick Man: Originally the villain of the book I wanted to write in high school, The Sick Man is the result of the government trying to find the next terrorist biological agent. I changed it up a little for Goria. The US Government starts experimenting with the Necrocyte, and weaponizes it so that they can see if they cure. Unfortunately, one of the scientists infects himself in protest to the plan to cure all of the infected. Instead of being able to escape after his infection, he's captured, and made into a monstrous threat to anything his new captors want. The Sick Man is a male Azrael without the bones sticking out... and oddly enough, humanity. Much like Gomorrah was being manipulated by Sodom to kill, the Sick Man is forced into killing, and tries to occasionally stop himself... possibly to no avail.

3: Drem (Drem-Ur): Drem has been used by me in several forms. He was the main antagonist in another book I wanted to write, where I was killing "sinners" for his own survival, a video game concept where he singlehandedly destroyed a space station, and even as a potential "Shade" villain. Oddly enough, though, I think Drem, the Sin Eater, would make a more worthy addition to the "Goria" universe.

Part of what makes Drem stick out in my mind is that he isn't a demon, angel, or human. He just is. His personality is that of a calm, collected killer, thinking nothing of killing a room full of innocent people to get to one person, but not panicking, or, for that matter, reacting at all, when it doesn't work. His ability to make bladed weapons out of his arms, and his quiet, malicious nature resembles that of the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day, save for the fact that, no matter how hard one tries, they can't kill Drem. Even with molten metal. If his target dies by someone else's hand, he just moves on to the next without a care in the world.

4: The Til: Originally used in the short story "Death Toll," The Til is a being that is essentially a black, viscous liquid, that, in its anthropomorphic form, seems to have long horns, a spinal column, ribs, and hips sticking out. It can possess people for its own means, either killing them, or consuming their physical forms and making them into a "shell."

The Til originally wanted to take over the world, but over the years, its motives changed. It now has no other purposes than to create chaos and feed for its survival. If it's host served its purpose, the Til has no qualms about killing them and finding another host. To add to the threat, the Til can possess someone, and you may not know it until it's too late.

5: Ragnarok: Ragnarok is, quite simply, one of the most disturbing creatures one would ever lay eyes on. Imagine a newly hatched baby bird, covered in slime, missing a beak, with feathery wings coming out of its back, and perpetually melting. Ragnarok is one of the original Nephilim, angels who mated with humans, and his grotesque form isn't his punishment; it's his camouflage from the angels who may want to find him.

Ragnarok has had millennia to hone his abilities, and it shows. He can shift reality to a literal Hell on Earth, filled with monsters that mankind probably haven't thought of. Leading him are series of random, chaotic events caused by unnatural circumstances, and leading to swarms of monsters popping out of the woodwork. A massive car accident caused by an Earthquake without a fault line, causing zombies to walk through a neighborhood was his first herald. And it surely isn't the most unusual.

Some other ideas I've been tossing up involve existing characters. I need to find a new model for Skin-Bag, for one. Another is making Poisonetia half-human instead of a full-on robot. I'm also thinking of changing some of the character dynamics, such as Sin's views of the Infecting changing more gradually instead of after Gomorrah becomes good. Stay tuned for more updates!

Double Movie Review and Updates

First thing to get off my chest: Two A's and a B in my first quarter of WSU. I'm off to a good start!

Second, thing: I watched Metropia with my girlfriend (Lizzy) and a few of my other friends. I kept reading how "revolutionary" it was. I think by "revolutionary," they actually mean "shitty". First off, the movie is animated with edited photos that make "real" people look like Anime characters. Now, the movie's budget is 32 million, according to IMDB. I'm calling bullshit, and here's why. To Photoshop one picture like they did for all of the characters, it costs $5000. Multiply that by sixteen for mouth and eye movements, add 100,000 for photo-manipulation of each different pose and animation , then multiply by 60 for total screen time in minutes, then, finally, multiply by 10 for each of the main characters. That's 108 million, not including voice actors. It would actually be cheaper, and better looking, to make it a live action movie.

Maybe then, they would put some time into the most important part of the movie: the script. I cannot tell you with a straight face what this movie is about. A man hears voices and gets help from a supermodel to get to the bottom of it. That isn't the reason why I can't keep a straight face, though. The reason is because during the movie, I had no clue of what was going on because nothing is ever explained! I still have no idea why the bad guy was bad, and what was going on. It isn't because it was a mind bending "Sci-Fi" film, it was because the writers tried to keep everything a mystery by never addressing simple questions, you know, like, "What the flying monkey-fuck is going on?"

I think towards the end of the movie, the writers left in the middle of writing process. I'm not joking, this is an actual scene:

Ivan Bahn (the "Bad Guy...?"): What are you doing here? (grabs Roger)

Roger (Our.. hero... I think): Don't fucking touch me! (Bahn lets him go. Roger grabs a fishbowl and casually walks out of the room).

Ivan Bahn: (Waits 30 seconds, then looks around, and then confused)Why'd we let him go? (angry) GO AFTER HIM!

After watching that part alone, I couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't only out of place, the only appropriate place for that kind of writing is a "Sea Lab 2021" episode. In fact, I'm sure they did that in an episode... or 12.

Today, Lizzy and I went to see Faster. I didn't exactly have high hopes for this one, but I needed an action movie to get my mind off of a few things. Faster isn't an action movie. I know, I know, I was shocked, too, when I saw that the Rock wasn't in a Family movie, and that Faster wasn't actually an action movie. It couldn't be, because its both boring and unintentionally funny. First of all, the characters names: "Driver" (okay), "Cop" (really?), and "Killer" (you aren't even trying to be clever, are you?). ""Killer," the hired assassin sent to kill "Driver" is insane, and ultimately shouldn't exist because he doesn't get killed, instead, he's sent away with his tail between his legs by the dumbass who hired him.

Oh, Billy Bob Thorton plays "Cop," whose real name is, brace yourself, "Slade Murphies." "Slade," as in "Evil Roy Slade" or "DC's Deathstroke, Slade" and "Murphies" as in Robocop's "Murphy." You know what would've been a more serious name? "Splint Chesthair, Roll Fizzlebeef, Rock Slamfist, Slab Rockgroin," or even "Big McLargehuge." You know, anything that the cast of MST3K named Reb Brown in "Space Mutiny."

Again, the writing demon strikes. This was meant for TV, I think, because there is no excuse for lines like, "Oh, C.R.A.S.H? Cops that go in with guns blazing and porno staches?" How about the fact that so many characters that are introduced had absolutely nothing to do with the story ("Killer" being the biggest one), yet got high tier billing. While some of them had nothing to do with the plot, at least this movie had a plot, unlike Metropia. Though, I'm not convinced... I think Faster was either a movie that occasionally forgot it had a plot, but it might have been a movie that occasionally forgot that it didn't have a plot, and one snuck in.

Finally, some news: I am still writing the scripts for "Muzzle," but it's proving very arduous, and for very good reasons. Firstly, I'm trying to get a good timeline of events, but my life has changed so much and so fast that it's very difficult. I'm trying to figure out a smooth transition from "Wounded" to the story where I meet Lizzy, because my depression as well as the depression that another character goes through, is a big story event over the course of the series.

The other reason as to why it's hard is because of what the first storyline is about. See, one of the characters in the first chapter is, to put it relatively "nice" (though it's still not the right word), sexually assaulted. The person who went through this is a very close friend of mine, and is helping me write the chapters the revolve around this. The tricks are that I'm trying to handle this with as much comfort and care as humanly possible, while addressing that I'm not doing this as a trope, but as part of the overall story, and that it's incredibly painful to write.

Okay, so I've written stories where a man has his skin forms tentacles from his flesh, where a woman dreams of being eaten alive, wakes up to find that her doctor was her killer in the dream and kills herself, and made characters that are purely evil, with no good in them whatsoever. But, those are fictional stories, and while this one is a fictionalized version of my life, it's hard to write about this because, while it is fictionalized, it's based on a true and horrifying event in my friend's life. I'm trying to portray how she's reacted to this, but at the same time, show that this didn't happen because she was "weak" or "too independent." In short, I'm trying to get as close to the real motive (which, I warn you all, is incredibly disturbing), with out even hinting that this was thrown in for no reason other than publicity.

At the same time, I'm trying to make the comic both drama and comedy all at once. The first chapter, while mainly serious, does have some humorous moments in it, but not so much as to make light of the situation. In fact, the humor is kind of dry to show that it's more or less to relax us.

I'm also doing pin-ups of my more "serious" comic characters, i.e. not "Muzzle." My pin-up for "Sin" from "Goria" is done in line art form, and I'm working on coloring it. I'm going to start drawing the following:

1: Gomorrah (Goria)

2: Mina Ross (Goria)

3: Taylor Murdoch (Shade)

4: Mystery (Goria)

5: Vomir (Goria) (...Now, that's going to be tricky...)

6: Fay LeCroix (I Am Nothing)

7: The Terror Twins (Goria)

8: Li Chan (Shade)

For now, this is me getting ready to watch Shutter Island with Lizzy. I'll see a good movie, yet!

Jason Who?: The Splatterhouse Review

There's a point in this game where after you shove monsters onto "butt-plugs" attached to chairs that go into an incinerator, your mask comments, "You see, this is the kind of shit that got us an 'M' rating." In any other game that was meant to be scary, this would come off as cheesy, almost like "Jill Sandwich," or "Master of Unlocking," or even "Don't open. THAT DOOR!" Funny how those all come from Resident Evil... But, somehow, Splatterhouse is different. It doesn't try to be serious horror, it doesn't even try to be scary for the most part. It tries to be mindless, bloody action.

You know they succeeded when the title screen pops up, a squirming zombie that Rick punches so hard that he explodes into bloody chunks. Those bloody chunks are the menu. And, that doesn't even begin to describe the bloody violence that's in this game. It's incomparable to even an "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoon. The violence is over the top, and the writing is disturbingly crude. And yet... the game is one of the most amazing action games I've played in a long, long time.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is a great game due to it's serious writing, amazing graphics, beautiful soundtrack, and mostly phenomenal game play (I've had some control issues with the game, but I still loved it). Splatterhouse is great for different reasons. The writing is not serious at all, the graphics are great in a comic way, and the soundtrack is mostly purely heavy metal. Castlevania is the Pan's Labyrinth of video games, with its classy story and presentation. Splatterhouse is the Dead-Alive of video games with its decadent violence and writing. Both are extremely worth the price of admission in there own rights.

What's tricky about Splatterhouse is that it never seems to know when to draw the line. The "Splatter Kills" offers you a chance to see some gruesome monster deaths, whether it's ripping arms off or pulling the lungs out of a gaping hole that used to have a head on it. The violence, while over the top, is both sickening and funny at the same time. The Mask's commentary is rude, disturbing, and sometimes a little upsetting ("Oh, Dr. West, it's so BIG," while imitating Rick's girlfriend, Jennifer), but usually very funny. It adds spice to the "Save the girlfriend" plot while making fun of itself. But, where it does get a little carried away is with the collectable pictures that Jennifer leaves for you to follow her trail. Why is she carrying naked pictures of herself, and with as much gore and violence there is in the game, the nudity seems a little too forced.

The story, though, is written very well. It flows soothly from level to level, and despite its humor, does have some scary parts. The first time you meet one of the bosses (a rehash of one from the original game), you're left with a feeling of both dread and nostalgia. As far as remakes go, Splatterhouse isn't a remake so much as it is a tribute to the original games.

This shows in the level design, as well. Not all of the levels have boss battles, instead opting for a massive battle in the end of certain levels. But, where the level design stands out with the occasional side-scrolling sections of the level. They're done to feel like the original game's levels, but even have covers of the original games' music tracks. They sneak in sometimes in the non-side-scrolling parts as well.

Presentation is done very well and with style. You barely notice the cell shading due to the frantic nature of the game's combat system. The sound is eerie and the voice acting, especially Jim "I was once attached to a dog" Cummings as the mask. I love Jim Cummings's voice work, and this is no exception. The team could've hired Mark Hammil to use his Joker voice for the Mask, and it would've felt incomplete. Cummings brings the Mask to life.

The most important thing in this is the game play. Compared to this team's last game Afro Samurai, they learned there lessons. You can control the camera, but the set camera never acts against you. Combat is smooth and ferocious, unlike God of War's and Dante's Inferno's combat where you'll always get countered when you can't help but stop fighting. While the "Splatter Kills" arguably pull you out of the game, it never punishes you for using them, often pausing the combat so you can get back into the fray. Even the platforming (which, I think, outshines Lords of Shadow due to the camera work) feels natural. If you die in this game (and you will... a lot), you can count on the fact that it's because of the right reasons. How's this for a kicker: Even after dying, the game is so fun that you don't mind doing that part over again?

What we have with Splatterhouse is a properly done remake. It's done with respect to the original game (and includes all three of the originals on disc) to the point that it isn't a remake; it's a modern homage to the original. It's at the right difficulty, but its consistently hard, and always fun. Namco, if any of you guys read this, know this: after Afro Samurai, I was worried when you started doing this game. After playing it, I am very pleased. Splatterhouse may be the best action game we've had in a long time.

Over all: A

+ Extremely fun to play

+ Comes with the classics

+ Awesome presentation and sound

+ An Homage to the Originals

+ Difficult but fair

+ Decadent

-/+ Really? Naked photos?

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Feed

WARNING: LIVE WITH OUT WARNING!

Oh, yeah... WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SOME OF THE MOST DISTURBING IMAGES I HAVE SEEN WHILE REVIEWING HORROR MOVIES. THESE INCLUDE A MAN WITH AN INFECTED, OOZING WOUND FULL OF AN ALIEN SUBSTANCE, AND A MAN DANCING TO "ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI" WITH A MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

ALSO, TO SOFTEN THE BLOW, I AM WRITING UNDER A CLEVER GUISE...

***

Just so you know, I am very, very sick. I've been fighting what must be a mutant flu virus this week. I feel miserable, but I can take solace in the fact that people are willing to help me set aside this misery by sending me horror movies that will make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, and bad horror movies are the best way to induce laughter. What's that? Today's movie is what?

Oh, no... Please... Anything but-- I can't even keep crackers down, and you want me to review Feed? Excuse me for a minute...

We start the movie with a man driving to a fast food joint while another drives to a house. Our first guy, Michael, brings the food back to a woman wearing the Fat Bastard body suit, strips naked, and feeds her burger after burger. Our second guy, Phillip, reaches a house in Germany, where he argues with his boss about helping the German police raid the house. Ultimately, Phillip goes into the house, and finds a penis in a frying pan. Don't panic, this isn't a sequel to Teeth. I know this, because the "penis" is literally just a sausage with a divot cut out of it so it loosely resembles a penis. After being scared by a random German cop who makes weird faces at him, he goes to the bathroom where he finds a man feeding another man in a bath tub. What is he feeding the man? Why, himself, of course. After Phillip vomits, he arrests him, and goes back to Australia.

In Australia, he gets in an argument with his girlfriend over a new piercing she got while he was away. I'll give you a hint, it's the kind that isn't work safe to show, if you know what I mean. She comforts him by saying that while she's "fucked four men and two women" while he was gone, she's still here for him. I'm hoping she's supposed to be a porn star, because that's the only way this makes any semblance of sense. We never do find out, though. While a sex scene ensue, we also see Michael feeding Deirdre even more fattening food.

Phillip has a nightmare in his office and goes to wash his face. He then talks to his boss in the bathroom, on a roof, and then on a balcony. Seriously, they finish a sentence, and the scenery changes as if they teleported there.(I'm in my living room): I'm not kidding. (I'm outside of a baseball stadium): It's done that poorly. (I'm in a pet shop): It's like the director never heard of continuity. Him and his partner start scouring porn sites, hoping to find criminal activity. Phillip finds Michael's website, and is horrified that these women are willfully eating to obesity.

And there, we have the first thing wrong with this movie. Phillip seems to have an irrational hatred of people eating. It's supposed to be because of the cannibal from the first case, but the way the movie is done, it seems like he just hates eating. To further prove this, the first sex scene starts when his girlfriend sits on his face, and he throws her to the floor. Our next one starts as she starts eating ice cream while bumping up against his head, saying "feed me" while watching him try to crack Michael's website in order to catch him doing something wrong. Once he starts to get it on with her... he throws her on the floor, which upsets her, obviously. Of course, to make it up to her, they do it, and we also see Michael feeding Dierdre ice cream, and... let's just say that he put his own special marshmallow topping on it.

Phillip wakes up and finds the word "PIG" written on his chest, and that his girlfriend left him. In order to get his mind off of her, he requests to go to Toledo, OH, where the website is made, in order to arrest the website's producer. What's the crime, feeding people? Yes, actually. Without any proof whatsoever, Phillip is convinced that the women are being fed to death. His boss forbids him to go, going so far as to suspend him for a month. Which of these do you think he'll do?

A: Drop it and try to get his girl back.

B: Quit and find another job.

C: Go to Toledo anyway and find Michael.

Most people would do "A" or "B." Phillip, being an insane moron, does "C." Let's review, here: Our sympathetic main character has an irrational hatred of people eating, throws his girlfriend on the floor constantly, and is so obsessed with stopping people from eating that he travels around the world, with no proof of any real crime, to stop it. Our hero is a psychopath, plain and simple... and we're supposed to be rooting for him at this point.

Anyway, his partner finds that the IP address leads to an abandoned house, where Phillip only finds Michael's prayer book. He goes to The First Church of God's priest, and interrogates him about Michael. Get ready for this one, because barring the fact that there must be at least thousands of "First Church of God" establishments and Phillip just happened to find the right priest for the right one on the first try, see if you can keep up with what Michael is supposed to be. Michael, at a young age, was raised by a morbidly obese mother. He was also lusting after his mother up until she died. Michael is masturbating to his dead, fat mother when the priest finds and adopts him, but he believes that Michael is a sociopath. This goes against the whole "Oedipus Complex" thing that the writers were going for. See, sociopaths don't form true lasting relationships, having either very little or no feelings for people whatsoever. That being said, while lusting for his mother is creepy, most people who believe in the Oedipus theory will find that the child doesn't act on it due to fear of castration. Sociopaths run on impulse and damn the consequences.

Also, if Michael is supposed to be pure Id, why is he acting in a slow manner? The Id demands instant, immediate gratification, yet Michael is doing something that will take years to do. This includes planning, going against the anti-social thing again. All in all, Michael is summed up as a Freudian Sociopath... which does not and, more than likely, cannot exist.

Anyway, Phillip meets Michael's sister, who asks where he's from. He says Sydney, Australia, and she asks, "Isn't that close to Japan?" If you couldn't tell, this movie paints Americans as fat idiots. In speaking of fat, this woman's supposed to be fat... but she isn't. It's not very convincing when she invites Phillip to Burger King. Next scene, Phillip breaks into Michael's house, but can't activate the website's files. He sees an Asian woman, who panics when she sees him. He runs out and has a long winded, yet, boring confrontation with Michael. Phillip runs off like Napoleon Dynamite. Minutes later, Phillip breaks into a house, finds a bag of dead raccoons (that look like owl pellets), and Michael. Michael called the cops, and Phillip runs away like Napoleon Dynamite. No, that isn't a typo, the movie is that redundant. In speaking of redundant, the set for Michael's house is exactly the same as the house in Germany in the beginning of the movie, decor and all.

The next day, Phillip is woke up by Michael-- WHAT?! Seriously, Michael brought Phillip breakfast. After warning him to stay away, Michael brings the creepy cop out of his jurisdiction, who may or may not be armed, breakfast, and they have a casual talk about how women are too thin. Disturbingly enough, I think Michael's right. Women are supposed to have curves, yet beauty has been defined as of late by women with no figures, long hair, and clothes. Our "beautiful" women today don't have child-rearing hips that men find attractive, they look like boys. At this point, I was thinking that Michael, while insane, had a point. That point was ruined when he drugged Phillip, and started imitating Gordon Gecko's "Greed is good" speech that cause Phillip to flash back to him raping his girlfriend. This is doubly stupid since there is absolutely no build up to that conclusion, seeing as that she comes on to him, and during the sex scenes, we're not lead to believe that she was being raped. It seriously comes out of nowhere. After Phillip passes out, Michael injects Phillip's stomach with a syringe full of fat. The fat from the previous victim of Michael's "plan," no less. Phillip comes to, and cuts the newly formed fat pocket-- excuse me...

*vomit* Anyway, where was I? Oh, fat pouring out of Phillip's gaping... wound...

*vomit* Seriously movie, what the frying fuck is wrong with you? No one needs to see that, ever. God... I'll never eat Custard Donuts again.

Needless to say, Phillip is pissed. He buys a gun, goes to Michael's house, shows his wife the site (and somehow proves that the last woman died), and kidnaps her while he drives to Michael's mother's farm house. He lives Sexy Asian Wife tied up, and slowly walks into the farm house, even tripping into a pile of bags of fat and "Lucy's body" that's being eaten by rats. While this is going on, Michael is trying to persuade Deirdre into eating pure fat (Lucy's fat, if you haven't guessed) so she can die... or weigh over 1000 lbs. Deirdre has such inspirational ambitions... To get Deirdre to relax, Michael starts dancing on her bed to "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" on her bed. Anything potentially frightening has just been destroyed by the image of Matthew McConaughey's even more retarded and repulsive looking twin dancing for a woman who can't move.

Phillip finds this, and instead of laughing, decides to threaten Michael. Michael jumps off of a balcony, lands on his feet, and runs. He fell two stories, and he's not even hurt? What is he, a superhero? Well, figuring that while the chase is going on, he disappears twice from Phillip's view, he might be. Phillip finds Michael's invalid father, who contributes nothing but confusion to the story. As the chase continues, Michael climbs on top if a refrigerator, and knocks Phillip into a boiling pot of fat, then onto Lucy's fat bags.

Phillip comes to, and finds himself in Deirdre's room. Michael threatens Phillip with the gun, and goes so far as to scare Deirdre after admitting he killed his mother. Michael apologizes to her, then tries to suffocate her. While doing this, Phillip reaches for the gun. After fighting over it, Phillip wins, and points the gun at Michael. Deirdre cusses at Phillip, even after Michael tried to kill her, what, four times now, and Phillip gets so fed up that he shoots her. The scene fades to black, and we hear two gunshots.

Phillip is now living with Michael's sister, and goes to the farmhouse, where Deirdre's body is still rotting. He sits on the balcony, facing a now starved Michael, who begs for Phillip to feed him. The end of the regular movie. The alternate ending is the same, except Phillip's boss comes out and shoots him.

Why does this movie exist? It's disgusting, and offensive. The hero is an antisocial rapist/murderer, and the script and direction go everywhere at once, to the point that the narrative doesn't make a single lick of sense. I'm hoping to God that this is the last movie like this I have to review... especially since Netflix keeps suggesting I watch Salo, now.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to try to keep down the last of my lunch.

I never should've eaten at Michael's Burgers and Wings...