When you think of Christmas, what comes to mind? Family? Gifts? Food? Jaundiced boys forced to have sex with their 60 year-old mother in order to get her pregnant? Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenberg as drunk sorority girls? Well, I think of the first three (and part of the last, but it more or less involves them in teddies... and not drunk). Luckily for us, here's comes
Black Christmas, the
atheist asshole's dream movie, to rape our holiday thoughts.
I'll give the movie credit, at least its not as bad as
Cthulhu, and is mostly more coherent that
The Nun. But, damn, if this isn't a huge disappointment. Who wants a holiday horror movie with one redeeming factor? For the effort I put into this review (again, I busted out the notebook), I could've watched
Silent Night, Deadly Night or
Santa's Slay, and
not have to worry about having to laugh at a funny part that was
actually in the movie. Despite the fact that the funny scenes are funny, I'd still rather see
Regan Reese doing a strip tease as
Santa Claus; it'd be more entertaining, funnier, and scarier than
Black Christmas (thanks, Patty, for that joke and the mental image).
The movie starts with a girl wrapping a McGuffin-- oops-- a gift for her sister. She writes the card in red ink, but puts the pen down to look in her closet for nothing at all. She comes back, sees the pen is still on the ground, and panics. Some one sneaks up behind her, puts a black plastic bag over her face, and stabs her in the eye with the pen that was just on the ground a second ago. Even better, when the pen is on the ground, it leaves a red puddle. The girl was writing her sister's card in blood, apparently; the same blood that was supposed to be spurting from her eye when she was stabbed. Special effects budget for the fail.
The scene cuts to the credits. Normally, I'd skip over this, but two things happened with this: Kristin Cloke's name came up, first of all. Anyone who knows me knows that I think her character of Laura Means ruined the show "Millennium." Her character was underwhelming written, and overwhelming useless, with the world's dumbest catch phrase: "Here's my thing..." I thought that I was the only one who saw this, but luckily, this
link proved me wrong. It got to the point in the show where Lance Henriksen makes fun of her. The second thing is that the Christmas song from the Millennium Christmas episode, "The Midnight of the Century," is used. See, the producers of the second season of "Millennium" made this movie. So, if that was supposed to be a reference, who the hell was supposed to get it, people who happened to watch that episode of "Millennium" before watching this movie? Even then, who's watching the show and the movie for the background music? Sure it adds to the atmosphere, but I doubt someone is watching this thinking, "God I wish the girls would shut up, this ambient music is so cool!"
After the credits, we meet one of our heroes, Kelli, and her "boyfriend," Kyle. Kelli says she wants to be with her family, as Kyle tells her he is her family. Ewwwww... incest for the lose. She goes in, but we cut to another girl watching her sex tape of her and Kyle. Congrats movie, I now hate all of the characters in this movie that I've met so far. Next, we meet Dana (Lacey Chabert), Melissa (Michelle Trachtenberg), Mrs. Mac (the house mother), Heather (the "smart one"), and Laura (the drunk one). Dana is an emo bitch who wants to go outside, but Melissa shoots her down by saying that it's hailing bigger than Yao's ballsack. So, here's the break down:
Claire: Dead
Kelli: The Slut
Kyle: The Manho
Megan: The Girl who was Cheated on by the Manho
Dana: Emo Bitch
Melissa: Pervert
Mrs. Mac: House Mom
Heather: the Smart One
Laura: The Drunk One
Yeah, this is a sorority house, all right.
Megan hears something, so she goes up to the attic where she's murdered. The killer gouges her eye with a finger bigger than Megan's eyesocket, and yet pulls out the eye, which is completely undamaged. Also, the nerve is the width of an XBox 360 Power cable. If this is the case, why don't people see better than we do? And why did she leave her computer on, with a still of her sex tape? This is McGuffin #2. This movie makes the Pulp Fiction's suitcase jealous.
McGuffin #3 shows up in the form of Christmas gifts. The sorority house used to house a killer named Billy Lenz, who is in an insane asylum that has a guy in a Santa suit walking through. A security guard grills him on his intrusion, but lets him roam despite being a security risk. This is where we see a name on one of the cell doors: Arrmiez, Richard. Really, movie? Arrmiez? Ramirez? You reference the freaking Night Stalker? Who did you think would get that? I only did because I studied serial killers and psychology, but unless people are studying serial killers or just freaks for this kind of thing, that reference will go over their head. Not to mention for a tongue in cheek reference, that was a little too highbrow. Not many people would get the joke in that short amount of time.
Making this scene worse, an orderly is giving the gift of cookies, milk, candy canes, and drugs. Billy lures a guard to his cell and stabs him in the neck with a "sharpened" candy cane, leaving the guard dying. The guard doesn't look like he's dying, but instead looks a little inconvenienced by this. Also, the other guard that was outside doesn't stop Billy as he walks right by him, dressed in red pajamas that look nothing like an orderly or a guard. Why didn't the first guard get up, because obviously, he was just mildly annoyed that a jaundiced, sick man in red pajamas stabbed him in the neck with a candy cane, as if this has happened before.
Santa, in the mean time, gets hit on by an orderly. But, while telling the girl that she should sit on his lap for being naughty (don't ask, Santa can't do double entendres), Billy sneaks up on Santa and kills him. Unfortunately, all we see is Santa's boots, and what looks like blood rushing from the trajectory of his ass. Also, Billy's PJ's look like a Santa suit, wasn't killing Santa a little excessive? As with every other character in this, Billy has an irrational hatred of Santa. Seriously, I'll count the times someone mentions how bad Santa is, or insults him. It'll be fun.
Back at the Sorority House of Delta Delta Kappa (at least according to the signs, everyone in the movie calls it Alpha Kappa), Heather doesn't want to participate in Christmas because the house's tradition is to have a gift for Billy, and Heather thinks it's sick to give a serial killer a gift every year. Melissa tries to correct her by saying that "Serial killers kill repeatedly due to sexual pressure. Billy was a spree killer, he just fucking lost it." There are so many things wrong with this line, that I'm trying to keep my nose from gushing blood. First of all, serial killers are usually antisocial, and kill due to a targeting stressor. The stressor could be something as simple as a guy dressed in a bear suit, or a hidden sexual issue. But, only a few killers, Bundy, Gacy, and Daumer, killed due to sexual issues, where as others, like Jack the Ripper, or Richard Ramirez, killed because of other stressors. Secondly, Billy killed two people. That's not a spree killer, that's a guy who killed his mom and step dad. Thirdly, Michelle Trachtenberg should NOT say "fuck," nor should she sound like she's smoking a pack an hour.
Drunk girl mentions that Christmas is more Pagan than Christian by stating that the Christmas tree was used to ward off evil spirits, and Mistletoe was used as a conception charm. Giving credit, she's almost right about the tree, but I'll get to that in a second. Mistletoe isn't as widely thought of as a conception charm, though, but as a symbol of death. As far as I could research, this comes from when Frigga blessed almost everything on the Earth except for Mistletoe, which Hoor used to accidentally kill Baldr, thus causing Winter. But, when Baldr was resurrected, Frigga blessed the Mistletoe, thus starting the kissing under tradition. The only thing I could find that uses it as a conception charm is the druids using it for animals.
And while the Christmas tree does have Pagan roots (including Gaelic and Druid), the tree and mistletoe both have roots in Christianity. Some believe that the mistletoe was used in the Crucifixion cross, and the Evergreen as an example of everlasting life. So, again, the movie fails at educating us.
Drunk girl also goes on to say that Santa is a voyeur, and breaks into houses, making him no better than Billy. Except, Santa gives gifts, and Billy murders people, (by the way, that's twice they insulted Santa). Mrs. Mac tells the girls that Billy didn't break in, as she pulls out a flaming marshmallow, blows it out, says he lived her, and bites the burning hot marshmallow. Yeah, that's brilliant. Scald your mouth to keep yourself from telling this horrible story. Oh, crap, it didn't work.
Billy was born to a fifty year old woman and her thirty year-old husband. He had a rare liver disease that made his skin yellow. Yeah, hepatitis isn't magical, people. Nor is liver failure. Billy's mom hates Billy... for some reason involving his dad. When Billy is ten, his mother tells him that the Russians killed Santa (it's not bad enough that Santa is insulted, but he has to be dead, too?), and proceeds to kill his dad in front of him. To save time, I'll put the pieces of this retarded puzzle together for you now, instead of going back and forth. Mom marries her lover, but he falls a sleep during sex, forcing her to go to the attic and have sex with her son. Merry Christmas! Have some incest.
The mother has a baby that she names Agnes (she must hate her kids), and she babies her constantly, including keeping beer and bongs within Agnes' reach. Billy sees his mom babying Agnes, and decides to go nuts, gouge her eye out, eat it, and kill his mom and step dad. Billy and Agnes both survived, and, well... Isn't it obvious by now?
Anywho, Heather goes to pack and leave, but is stopped by Eve, the sorority nerd. Eve gives Heather a glass unicorn because Heather likes the Bible. Where in the hell did unicorns appear in the Bible? Did the writers intend on making Eve the Sorority retard at first, but realized that with everyone else acting like complete idiots, it was too redundant? We've heard that all serial killers are sex fiends, Santa's dead, two killings constitutes a spree killer, and and now unicorns were in the Bible. I've talked to four year-olds smarter than this movie. Anyway, the gift or a glass unicorn convinced Heather to stay, but Eve leaves the movie forever. Well, we know who the smart one really is, now!
The phone rings, causing Kelli to pick it up, thinking it's Kyle. She's alarmed, but puts it on speaker phone, exposing that it's really Billy, using fifty different voices to say, "She's my family now." Drunk girl asks if he should be delivering gifts now, because, of course, Santa leaves disturbing messages on everybody's phones. That's four now. Heather suggest that they call the police, but instead, they call *69 so they can find out who it is. As it ends up, its Claire's phone, causing the girls to go upstairs, and invade Megan's room (Claire's her roommate). Instead of Megan, we find Kyle, who broke into Megan's room because the window was open. In the middle of winter. Pneumonia must be the cool thing now.
Somehow, the girls split up when Laura Means walks into the house screaming "Where's my sister?" Megan and Kyle are left alone looking for Megan's phone, while Chabert and the house mom talk Means' character, Leigh. Leigh is Claire's sister, but for some reason, Mrs. Mac interrogates her like she was breaking in. Paige gets upset, and starts ranting about how bad the sorority house is, causing Chabert to say, "I love the goat." I thought I was hearing things after The Nun, but no, that's really what she said. I was so damn dumbfounded that I rewinded the movie to find a goat in the house. Nothing. It's a shame too, it would've fit in with their Pagan Christmas. Maybe Santa killed their pet goat, and they just now realized it.
Leigh finds a gift wrapped in newspaper and mentions that its from Billy to Alpha Kappa, despite standing in front of a plaque showing that the sorority is Delta Delta Kappa. Mrs. Mac is shocked because that wasn't there before. Just then, the power goes out. Back in Megan's room, the screensaver (an eyeball with wings) cuts off, showing the still of the sex tape, which Kelli happens to see. This makes her angry at Kyle. Also, Laura starts to vomit, thanks to her being a drunk, and Trachtenberg takes her upstairs, followed by the rest of the house girls and Leigh. They happen to see Kelli and Kyle arguing about Kyle's fickle pickle, to which Kyle relates filming his romp with Megan as being better than dealing drugs, or robbing a liquor store. His logic is those are bad, but filming yourself boinking a presumably drunk sorority girl and posting it on a porn site isn't. It must be nice in his little world. He leaves, shouting "Fuck all you bitches," which causes Mrs. Mac to push him lightly.
Laura strips and showers, not noticing that Billy pushed the tiles out from the bottom of the floor out to watch her. He doesn't see much, because Laura only rinses the vomit from her, and puts her clothes on, going to bed a few seconds later. Leigh and Chabert discuss that the fuse box is in the basement, and accessible from outside only. Chabert mentions that she isn't a "princess bitch," but snaps that its too cold for her to go outside and fix the fuse box. She goes out, lights a cigarette, and drops it down a pin hole, on top of Billy's head. God, she should've been an army sniper. She follows the scuttling sound to the basement where Billy kills her.
Her screaming lures the rest of the house outside, where they find Eve's car. Heather and Leigh open Eve's door, and her head tumbles out of the car. The house runs inside, and call the police (finally). Kelli mentions that one girl is dead and three others are-- but she's cut off by Leigh who says "MISSING! Missing." Kelli then says "missing," making me wonder what the interruption was about. The police are cut off by the storm, and it'll take them two hours to show up. Mrs. Mac gets the idea to drive there instead. If the police can't head to your place, how do you expect to have any better luck? Heather wants to go with her, but Leigh, Trachtenberg, and Kelli want to stay so Claire has a full house to come home to. All of them also seemed to have forgotten about the drunk girl upstairs. Kelli says "We're sisters! Act like it!" Causing Mrs. Mac and Heather to do the sisterly thing and leave them to get murdered. Don't you just love family?
Mrs. Mac and Heather arrive at the car, but of course, its frosted over. Mrs. Mac pulls out an ice scraper, causing Heather to ask what it is. You know, because all women know nothing about cars! Seriously, she's 18-24, and doesn't know what a scraper is? How are we supposed to take this seriously? Well, as Mrs. Mac is scraping the car, she sees Heather get killed by Billy, causing her to back up, knocking an icicle loose that falls two feet through her skull. What has this movie taught us? Candy canes can be used to stab security guards and annoy them, Santa is a voyeuristic bastard who was killed by the Russians (or a jaundiced mental patient), and icicles can impale through your skull after falling two feet. Newton would have a hayday with this movie.
Kelli and Trachtenberg see all of this through Laura's window, causing them to scream. Leigh is still looking for Claire, though. She opens a door and is scared by the disembodied head of Santa, smiling at her. This prompts her to say the most ingenious line in the movie, one so awesome, that it needs a tee-shirt: "Fuck you, Santa Claus!" I don't care if they insulted Santa two more times, this line is almost so awesome, that it almost made this movie good. I mean, can you imagine how much you'd laugh is someone went up to sit on Santa's lap just to be a douchebag and say, "Fuck you, Santa Claus?" You would laugh your butt off, because you'd do the same thing.
Kelli and Leigh try to open the gate, but its blocked by Mrs. Mac's body. They go inside, slip on some blood (which came from nowhere), making Trachtenberg come out of the room. The killer tries to put a bag over her head, but Trachtenberg rips the bag, instead of the base, for once, doing something smart, and knocks the killer back, and beats her with a ski pole. The killer, grabs and ice skate, and throws it at Trachtenberg, cutting of the back of her head. Dear Lord... ice skates don't cut, people! The blade on ice skates actually create friction on such a small area, that it melts the ice. You cannot cut someone's head off with ice skates, especially by throwing them.
Kelli and Leigh go into the room, only to find Kyle. Leigh attacks Kyle, but he pushes her onto the bed, showing that Lauren is dead, and her eyes removed. When did this happen? I can't remember, but given that the body was left behind, maybe Santa killed her out of revenge for her constant slander. The three decide to check the attic, where Kyle is snagged and murdered by Agnes, Billy's sister/daughter. Agnes says that the victim's are her family. Kelli tells Agnes that her brother isn't coming, only to find out that Billy is Agnes' dad.
Agnes fights Kelli, but is thrown through a hole in the floor, pinning her between two walls. Billy pushes Kelli in, and starts to climb down. Kelli grabs a string of lights, pulling the tree down, and knocking over some lit candles. Leigh manages to break down the wall, free Kelli, and escape the now burning house, trapping Billy and Agnes inside.
We find out that the hospital and police station are on campus meaning that whole two hour thing was complete bullshit. Leigh visits Kelli in the hospital room where she opens her McGuffin... a silver watch. Kelli is taken to get some x-ray's, leaving Leigh alone to get killed by Agnes. Damn it movie, just end, will you?! Kelli comes back with her nurse, who finds that the lock is broken, but closes the door anyway. Kelli is cornered by Agnes, but kills her attacker with the defibrillator, and runs away from a burned Billy. No one in the hospital sees anything strange about this until Billy grabs Kelli and holds her over a balcony. Kelli flips him over it, and he falls impaling himself on a Christmas Tree, thus ending this horrible movie.
This movie sucks the algae of a century old fish tank. It has holes in the plot that go nowhere, endless McGuffins for no reason, and is written by people who have no idea of what physics are. On top of that, trying to "educate" us on what Christmas really is with unconfirmed rumors and insulting Santa is bad enough, but insulting the actual meaning of the holiday is insulting to everyone who celebrates Christmas. Christmas is about family, togetherness, and to Christians, yes, the birth of Christ. Trying to make it seem that Christmas is Santa and Gifts, in a slasher horror setting is balls out retarded.
For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, Happy New Years, and to apologize to Santa...
... maybe lighting that fire was a bad idea...
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