Halloween Mega Review PT 4: "The Nun" Review or "What the f*** is this s***?"

It finally happened. I finally found a horror movie that was so damn bad, I actually had to take notes on it. There was no way I would memorize all of the stupidity I have witnessed with this... abomination that someone called a movie, so I had to take notes on all of the stupidity. Seven and a half pages of notes, all on this movie called "The Nun."

The movie starts with a nun, Sister Ursula (hold the Little Mermaid jokes until the end), writing "SiN" on the chalkboard, and telling a girl with a bum leg that "God is punishing her." She then tries to force a love letter down another girl's throat. What is it about movies and Nuns? Why are all nuns evil, sadistic wenches? And I'm talking from my personal experience, too. Oh, to make things worse, things are flying around, as if by magic. So, she's a magic, evil nun. Mary (the girl) wakes up, and it was all a dream. Again with the dream sequences?

The next scene, we're introduced to our main characters: Eve, who puts out in showers only to get showered on; Joel, the stupid boy who can't put his camera down, and Julia, a Spanish girl who speaks in a French accent. I did some research, and apparently, the girl is French...? Anyway, the scene introduces the unlikable heroes, making this scene nothing but very bad character development. Anyway, Mary is lurking around the house with a knife, because her kitchen is flooded. Don't bother with trying to figure the logic of this out, in this movie, logic doesn't exist.

Eve comes home, and finds a ghost of a nun holding Mary, her mom (who looks only 5 years older than Eve). The nun moves her hand and... Mary dies... somehow... Seriously, I have no idea how Mary died. Moving on, the cop, who speaks in a gruff English accent (and Eve's accent changes constantly as well), believes that Mary killed herself. Julia comes to take Eve in, and the cop bitches about this. He serves no other purpose than to do this, it seems, as he is never seen again. Cut to Barcelona, where the girl with the bad leg is... hot as hell. Oh, and she's Spanish, despite the fact that she was American before. Wow, this movie is inconsistent. Eve's accent shifts in every scene, Julia has a French accent despite being Spanish, and the grown up students change nationality.

At Mary's funeral, a fat woman approaches Eve about going to the boarding school in Rome to find out about Sister Ursula. What happens, of course, is the nun chasing the woman through a hotel (during which we see the outline of her nipples... the scariest part of the movie), into an elevator. The elevator stops between floors, and the woman gets her arms cut off as she tries to climb out before the elevator comes crashing down. Yeah... elevators can't DO that! Oh, and Eve just walked in the hotel to see her die. This causes Eve to take Julia and Joel with her to Spain, to go the boarding school in Rome... Rome is in Italy! What is said by Julia is one of the most bizarre lines I've heard: "That wasn't the deal. Even the police psychologist said so." What police psychologist, and why was he at an accident scene? Anyway, Eve goes to sleep, and dreams that Sister Ursula is on the wing of the plane. Yes, they ripped off the Twilight Zone.

Eve meets a priest who asks what she's doing. Eve explains, and says she's from New York. Cut to hot woman talking about fat woman leaving from Hawaii. How? She died in New York! At the club, the Priest helps Eve out by giving her hot woman's address, and telling her that he killed his girlfriend in a motorcycle accident, even though he wasn't drunk. Way to help, buddy. Eve goes to hot woman's house, where hot woman is crucified. Her friends catch up to her, and they go to the boarding school Or try, until they realize that they passed the turn by reading the back of a sign. Again... logic fail. The priest invites the friends to follow by saying "Parlez." Wait... he's Spanish, yet he spoke French! God damn you, movie!

As they go into the school, Joel immediately splits up with the team to film... birds. They regroup to find that "SiN" is still written on the chalk board. I guess the school doesn't have any erasers. Julie tells Joel to stop filming because she's scared, meaning Joel needs to make out with her. Meanwhile, Eve finds Zoe and Susan, the remaining two women. They realize that Eve is Mary's daughter, and explain that Mary slept with a priest, got pregnant, and Sister Ursula finds out. The women, then girls, find sister Ursula "purifying" Mary by shoving a cross in her crotch. Yeah, movie... that didn't work in the Exorcist, not going to work here, either. It's important to note that Eve was told that a priest is her father, but she ignores this until the end of the movie.

Anyway, the girls (the older women back in the day) attack Sister Ursula, causing her to hit her head on the edge of the bathtub. She opens her eyes, scaring the girls, who decide to drown her, despite screaming "Don't kill her!" repeatedly. The girls make a deal to never tell anyone about this as they throw the body in a blessed pond. The women realize that the pond is evaporated, causing Sister Ursula's ghost to come back to kill the women. Yeah, Holy Water makes ghosts kill... it isn't used to bless people, it's used to make homicidal ghosts!

Joel and Julia go back to the car, and pull out some tools... including a gun. A 17 year-old boy has a (WARNING: The rest of this review will have expletives. There is no way around this, as this movie pisses me off.) fucking gun in his fucking rental car. He got through customs with a fucking gun, despite being underaged. What in the fuck were the writers smoking? That's not the worst part, either. Julie tells Joel to do this for Eve. Joel's reply: "Trevor doesn't want a yee-yee." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? What makes it worse is that this will happen again, just wait.

Back to what this movie calls "plot," (got to give it credit, it has more than Orphan, and is almost more coherent than Cthulhu), Susan realizes that Ursula wants to destroy sin. Joel screams how this is "I Know What You Did 18 Summers Ago." Do the math: the movie takes place in 2005. The women left the school in 1998. The teens are 18 years-old despite that only seven years have passed. I think that every movie needs a fact checker and mathematician to keep shit like this from happening. But, in a movie like this, I doubt it'd matter, because the fact checker would be as stoned as the fucking writers were. To confirm this, the pries says he believes in ghosts, and takes Eve upstairs after she tries to connect with him. Joel alludes that the priest wants to screw Eve.

Joel tries to fix the power, which he can do despite it being an archaic system, and him being a fucking teenager. In the meantime, Eve tells the priest to stop trying to bone her "in the room where her mother died." WHAT! THE! FUCK?! They're in a room in the school, thousands of miles away from where her mother died, and that's her reason for not wanting to boink the priest? She also calls him by the hot woman's name, causing him to remember... something. He runs, and Ursula attacks Eve, making her realize that 17 years ago, a priest fathered her. That is a hell of a long conception, as Eve was apparently TEN when Mary gave birth to her. Oh, and Eve's mom tried to commit suicide. The priest comes back and says he figured it out.

Susan and Zoe think that history is repeating itself, and wants to stop the priest and Eve from pumping pig iron. Eve seems to be a good enough cockblock without their help. The priest comes back, and Eve says, "Have to come with table. Padre pine in a corridor." Don't ask me... I'm completely lost as it is. But, anyway, Ursula is killing the women in the ways that their namesake saints died in. This is where we find out that someone who died before the movie started was cooked, and Eve says that they're dying in the same way as their "patron saints" died. NO! Being named after a saint does not make that saint a patron saint. A patron saint watches after a person, i.e. St. Michael is the patron saint of soldiers and police, not of the Michaels of the world. Zoe calls Ursula a "Crazy Mudfucker," as the priest says that Ursula is purifying her own sin... by killing others. I give up, movie. Make even less sense, please.

Zoe sees that she's supposed to die by being thrown in an oven, making her go crazy. She sees that St. Ursula died by having an arrow "thrown" through her heart. The team leave Susan and Eve alone to... do... something. They never say, but I assume its to push the story forward. Susan doesn't want decapitated, and locks Eve out of the room she goes into, believing Eve is to blame for the problem. Ursula comes in, sends Susan's head through a window, allowing the top of it to decapitate her.

On the other side of the school, Zoe is holding a harpoon gun. Where in the hell did that come from, and what is anyone doing with a harpoon gun? Joel grabs one (they have two?), but Julia rips it out of his hands, proving that Joel is fucking useless. The team runs to find Susan dead, her head replaced by a styrofoam representation of... someone not Susan. Somehow, Eve grabs a harpoon gun and shoots at Ursula, which only she can see. It's now that we find out that Mary got pregnant and Ursula tried to force her into an abortion, due to the father being a priest. Zoe tells Eve this, and who the father is, for the third fucking time and Eve finally gets it. The priest decides to flood a room, because Ursula needs water to appear, and leaves Julia alone. Tip: Never leave French girls alone in a room. They'll surrender.

Zoe sees Ursula in the kitchen, who pushes Zoe in to an oven. This is the point where the movie tells us where its going to go. Meanwhile, while trying to turn the water on, the priest is pushed back by a gush of water (which he seemed to fight pretty well) and is impaled by a pipe. Joel pulls him off, and the priest tries to speak. Eve comes to where Julia is, while Julia goes upstairs, finds Zoe dead, and grabs the harpoon gun. She comes down, tells Eve, and Eve throws the gun to the ground. It's important to note that the water was chest deep five seconds ago, but is now ten feet deep. This means that the 9 foot tall room grew three feet to allow this. This also means that the lamp that's on will electrocute them, so Julia goes to turn the power off.

Ursula is coming after Eve, and Eve goes underwater showing that fish are floating around the room. REALLY?! Meanwhile, Joel runs to Julia and explains that Eve really isn't in danger. We're treated to a flashback that "explains" that Eve, when she was 4 years old, she memorized her mom's friends name, how they related to the saints, how said saints died, the fact that her priest is her father, and her mom and her friends killed Ursula (which her friends were never mentioned). Eve getting wet while making out with a guy during prom made her get possessed by Ursula. So, Eve is is Ursula... by the way, for her to remember all of this, Eve would have to be the smartest little girl in the world, because no one on Earth could remember all of this.

We end the movie with Eve shooting Ursula in the heart, a montage of how Eve was in two places at once (keep in mind that one of the people died before Eve was possessed, where Eve couldn't possibly be), and finally a shot of Julia pulling a dead Eve from the water, after seemingly shooting herself with the harpoon gun. How in the hell did she pull that off? The harpoon gun was the size of her arm, making it physically impossible for her to pull the trigger. Not only that, but the velocity of the harpoon is such that it would go completely through her.

THIS MOVIE SUUUUUUUUUCKS! Sorry for the over use of caps, but there is only one way to express how bad this movie is, and that's it. It has no knowledge of math or geography, some of the lines are complete nonsense, and no one has the accents of the characters don't match there nationality. To make it worse, it's only an hour and forty minutes long, but it took me two hours and twenty minutes to watch it, and seven pages of notes of how bad this movie is. Oh, and the movie's credits claim "Based on an original story," despite it being the same Hollywood shit that they've been passing off as horror for the past eight years.

For now, this is the Windowkeeper signing off to repress his memories of Catholic school.

Halloween Mega Review PT 3: "Orphan" Review

Time for a Horrid Horror Film Review. Today's schlock is different from my standard reviews, because, for some ungodly reason, this saw theatrical release. After watching it, thanks to rentals on XBox Live, I am at a loss for words of what the Warner Brothers was thinking. So without further adieu, here's my review of "Orphan."

The film starts with a husband, John, and wife, Kate... wait a minute... John and Kate. I can't get away from the Gosseling's, can I? Anyway, Kate is about to give birth to their third child, and after sitting in the wheel chair to the maternity ward, realizes that she's bleeding. She's suddenly in a gurney, where the nurse tells her that she lost the child. Abrupt plot development, but what do I expect from this movie? I mean, couldn't we get to know the characters? Well, no, because then we'd have plot, which this movie lacks. Anyway...

John is filming the surgery, apparently not knowing that the child died. John gets the dumbass award for the movie, and believe it or not, this isn't why. But, more on that later. Somehow, Kate gives birth successfully to a mummy. Yes, she gives birth to a mummy. What's worse is that this is indeed the scariest part of the movie. At least, that is, until she wakes up and it was all a dream, then it becomes a cliche.

Kate goes up to her medicine cabinet, where the camera angle shifts to behind her, zooming in as if something is sneaking up on her. Camera angle shift to her profile while she closes the cabinet, showing nothing is behind her. Way to waste a "scare" moment on that. Could John sneak up on her and, I don't know, give her the same bad haircut that that other Kate has? Anyway, next thing we see is that she's talking to a therapist about the nightmare, and the fact that she was tempted to drink. Yes, Kate's an alcoholic. But, wait till you here what John is... The therapist says something, and Kate leaves to pick up her deaf daughter from school.

On the way back home, Kate is stopped at a red light, and barely pays attention to this fact. Why? Because, for some unknown reason, the truck behind her honks at her, causing her to almost crash into another truck. Wow... what a prick. After arriving safely at home, Kate starts playing piano, but is distracted by a near constant thumping. She runs outside and yells at her deaf daughter, Max. While I would go for the "yells at deaf daughter" bit, she uses sign language while doing it, so its not that big of a slip up... except that Max heard her NAME! John brings their son, Danny, back, who immediately ignores his own mother to play with Max... who hears him perfectly well despite being deaf.

We next see Kate by the medicine cabinet again, with the same zoom. This time, though, John's behind her, and he wants to bone. Kate turns him down, though, because she's nervous about going to an orphanage to adopt a child. This is cured the next day, as they go to said orphanage to look at the little girls. John splits up to go upstairs, when two girls run by laughing. After they pass, John turns, slightly startled. Thank you, belayed reaction theater, for striking again.

Upstairs, John sees a... girl painting a picture, with her back turned to him. She knows he's there though, and invites him in. This is where we meet Esther, the creepy "9 year-old girl" that looks like an older child/adult with some severe fashion taste. But, she does paint creepy pictures of animals with people's faces, so we're supposed to assume she's adorable. Kate meets her, and they decide to adopt her right then. Later that day, the bring Ester home. Yes, the same day, they adopt Ester. You know, without all the tedious paper work and physical and legal stuff that adults have to do to adopt a freaking child. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't MENTION THAT THEY HAVE TO DO THIS BEFORE ADOPTING HER! By the way, we're only 40 minutes into the film.

Ester meets the family, Max taking a liking to here, but Danny thinking what we're all thinking; She's a creepy, creepy... thing. They have a house warming, where Esther asks for piano lessons, and Danny abandons the family to look at porn in his tree house. Later, Esther has her first day at school, where she's teased for her dresses. Esther goes to Kate for advice, and Kate shows her the flowers dedicated to baby Jessica's memory. What makes it worse is when Kate tucked Max in before, Max wanted to hear the story about Jessica going to heaven. Should we fear Esther, or the deaf brat who's obsessed with her unborn sister's death?

Esther goes to shower, and locks the door, much to Kate's alarm. Esther comforts her, saying that she'll sing, but Kate doesn't care and goes to spy on Esther's diary. While she lurks, we have the zoom scene again, and - surprise- nothing's there! This movie abuses this technique more than Cthulhu abused the gay lifestyle. Fast forwarding over some stupid (all right dumber) scenes, Esther has a breakdown in school, and Danny is getting picked on. Later that same day, John and Kate start having sex in the kitchen, not knowing until its too late that 1: lowering your head while you're partner's head is being "thrown up in ecstasy" is painful, and 2: Esther is watching them.

Kate goes to talk to Esther, but Esther all ready knows that grown ups do certain things that children shouldn't do, and that was one of them. Actually, isn't that the one thing children shouldn't see? Or are they counting positions. Anyway, Kate is shocked when Esther says that grown ups "fuck." I'll get to this later. The next day, Esther is at the park while a busty woman flirts with John. Esther sees a girl who's picking on her, and has what was supposed to be a chase scene, but ends up like a laughably bad Saw short. Esther pushes the girl off the slide, breaking her leg, but won't confess to anyone. Max watched it happen, but she covers for Esther.

This causes Kate to get a call from the orphanage, where they warn her that trouble follows Esther, and that they want her medical and dental records. Esther won't go to the dentist, but is perfectly okay with the doctor... which I'll get to here in a minute. The nun has a meeting with the parents, where afterwards, Esther and Max "play a trick on her..." oh, and Esther kills her and forces Max to hide the body, and the weapon in Danny's treehouse. Danny sees thism though, and Esther threatens him by "cutting his hairless little prick off." Kate is scared of Esther now, but John tells Esther to do something nice. Esther picks the white "Jessica-Roses," causing Kate to grab Esther's arm, then let go. Esther runs to the garage, and uses the vice-grip to break her arm. You know, because it won't leave a pattern bruise, or crush the arm differently than Kate would've done.

While Kate's dropping the kids off at school, Esther puts the car in neutral while Max is inside. Luckily, it crashes into a snowdrift. This forces Kate to almost drink two bottles of wine, but she pours one down the sink. Later, John is alarmed that Kate is abusive to the children due to the alcohol she didn't drink. John threatens to leave her and... dear God this movie is boring.

Danny finds out about the hammer, and goes to the treehouse to get it. Esther catches up to him, and tries to burn him alive. He saves himself, and ends up in the hospital, where Esther tries to smother him. The doctors save him, though, and Kate smacks Esther, causing her to be sedated. All while this is going on, Kate is waiting for a call from the Saarne Institute, where Esther was "raised" in.

Kate wakes up to her phone ringing . It's the Saarne Institute, who tell Kate that Esther's really a 33 year-old woman. How... in.. the... hell did this go unnoticed? She had no problems with doctors probing her, even though this would've been a HUGE problem for her scam. In the meantime, Esther tries to seduce John. John finally realizes that Esther is crazy, earning his dumbass award for not noticing earlier, forcing Esther to kill him, and try to kill Max. Luckily, Kate arrives, and fights Esther. The fight leads to a frozen pond, which cracks.

Kate and Esther fall through the pond, and Kate tries to climb out. Esther grabs her, and asks her for help, referring to Kate as "Mommy." What ensues is the most insane part of the movie. Kate screams "I'm not your fucking mommy!" and kicks Esther so hard that her neck breaks. The only way this could be better is if she screamed "I AM A MAN!" instead (thank you, Linkara and Superman: At Earth's End). Thus ending this shittastic movie.

I cannot fathom how bad this movie is. It's boring, overuses certain camera techniques for no reason, and has plot holes bigger than the spot on Jupiter. Avoid this movie like the plague. For now, this is the Windowkeeper, signing off to... um... "adopt" a few 18 year-old Asian girls to join my... "family." Yeah... that's it.

... it's not a Harem at all...

Halloween Mega Review PT 2: Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Weirdest Scenes in Movies

Time for a Top Ten From Hell. Today's Topic is the Top 10 Weirdest Scenes From Horror Movies. Why so specific? Because there are a lot of Horror movies with parts that don't make sense. To get on the list, though, the scene has to be disturbing, bizarre, or just not make any sense, or a good combination. As a stipulation, I only use each movie once. Without further ado:

10: The Cockroach eating head from Tomie: I love me some J-Horror, and Tomie (to-MI-ae) is no exception. Its about the soul of a girl named (let me think here) Tomie who possesses women to steal their lovers and drive people crazy, and while the body can die, Tomie's spirit regenerates the body, making it seem that the body is immortal. In the beginning of the movie, a guy is carrying Tomie's head back to his home, where he feeds her cockroaches. Yes, cockroaches. Why? I don't know. One thing is for sure, Tomie will eat anything.

9: "Because You Were Home," from The Strangers: Possibly the most laugh inducing horror movie ever, The Strangers tries to make people scary again by putting three people in masks, and having them cause terror to people who are home. Why would the do that, you ask? "Because you were home." Well, no shit. I doubt you would have tortured me if I was in Sandusky... stupid fucking moron. The Strangers, only bothering you if your home; otherwise, its too much work.

8: The five minute scene of screaming from The City of Lost Children: The French made a horror/fantasy movie that was so good, that it's hard to find anywhere. The City of Lost Children was a cult classic about a scientist who couldn't dream, so he tried to steal those of children. Instead, he forced the children to have nightmares, pushing him further into depression. You wouldn't get that from the beginning when he awakes from a nightmare, screaming. This makes ten other people in the room scream for a straight five minutes. By the time it ends, you're scratching your head trying to figure out what the hell just happened. I'll tell you what happened, you walked in on his personal time. The City of Lost Children, making men scream for long periods of time.

7: "Run, rabbit, run!" from House of 1000 Corpses: Let alone that there were only fifty corpses in the movie, this scene doubles as the weirdest and scariest scene of the movie. The main character is dressed as a rabbit while Otis screams "Run, rabbit, run!" over and over again as Baby chases her through a cemetery that the Firefly family created. I would repeat that, but the visual image of a psychotic woman chasing you in a rabbit costume should make you scratch your head enough as it is...

6: The ending of Saw V: What in the hell was the twist? Hoffman is Jigsaw now, we get it. That stopped being a twist in the fourth movie when you said it. This brings us to:

5: Hoffman being Jigsaw's apprentice from Saw IV: Oh, yes, there will be--huh? Here's the background, Hoffman was introduced as a forensic tech in Saw III, where he had one line. In Saw IV, he's a detective, despite not being anything but a forensic tech in the first place. Oh, and he was also helping Jigsaw the whole time, making the fact that he's working at the crime scenes ENTIRELY POINTLESS! Why? Because, if he was a detective, why was he working as a forensics tech (or vice verse), and wouldn't people notice that certain files on certain people were missing under HIS NAME, or that evidence was missing. SAW IV and V, make less sense than a psychic prediction of the Browns winning the Super Bowl.

4: Hellraiser: Bloodlines; The entire movie: Like Saw V, retcon the first movies, because they never happened, by telling a boring nonsensical story. Imagine if Lewis Carroll wrote a third Alice book where Alice never went to Wonderland, but instead was thrown into an orphanage because she burned her house down. Wait, that's American McGee's Alice, and a different rant...

3: Sadie taking off her shirt upon seeing two unknown teenage girls in Last House on the Left: The movie sucked, but this scene takes the cake. Sadie walks into a hotel room with her psycho boyfriend, sees two teenaged girls that she's never seen before, and decides to take her shirt off, showing that her "breasts are perky, yes?" (Thank you Not Another Teen Movie). The logic is baffling. She did this to... put her shirt back on... *facepalm* Well, at least she doesn't have a fight scene where she somehow wrestles a man twice her size, coming out ahead, while topless. Actually, yes she does... DAMN YOU MOVIE!

2: Russ picking up a cat and rubbing it with his chin from Cthulhu: You knew this movie had to be on here, what with a date rape scene that was entirely pointless, the "rampant homosexual" scene, a gay sex scene that had nothing to do with the movie, and of course, this. Let me explain this again, the camera shows a full body shot, exposing the ground is empty from Russ to the boat house. It zooms in, and he pulls a big fat orange cat from thin air, and nuzzles it with his chin, mouth agape. He does this for fifteen minutes before putting the cat down, at which time the camera zooms out, and the cat is gone. Magic cat is magic. Fail movie is fail.

1: The Giant Penis Monster from Tromeo and Juliet: I'll blow the surprise for you (no pun), this was going to be my surprise movie review to make up for missed time, but I couldn't make it past this point. Don't get me wrong, it's better than Cthulhu, but the idea of the movie (and its condoning of spousal abuse) was horrifying. But, the Giant Penis Monster from Juliet's dream is just the worst thing I've seen. Keep in mind that I was debating using this, Juliet looking like an 11 year old (and she has five full frontal scenes which thankfully I didn't watch), and Juliet turning into a cow with a three foot long penis... you know what?

1: Tromeo and Juliet: Why? Because it just doesn't make sense.

For now, I'm the window keeping signing off... and avoiding anything with "Troma" in it.

The Halloween MEGA REVIEW! Part 1: "Where The Wild Things Are."

Hey, all. So I got back from seeing Where the Wild Things Are, and I hate to say this, but I wasn't impressed too much. I liked it, but it could have been so much better than it was, that it was painful to watch it at points. And the worst part of this was that we saw the movie in a theater with children inside, and they weren't impressed by the sound of it. And I can explain why this is: it was too adult.

Now, I may end up getting flak because the movie wasn't advertised as a children's movie, and that I'm assuming that it's a children's movie because it's based on a children's book. But, that's just it, adults are going to bring their children to this movie because it's based on a children's book. If it was a Harlequin novel, no sane parent would think to bring their kid to the movie. But, upon seeing something based on a forty-year-old picture book, there shouldn't be the issue of a movie being too adult.

I'm going to get to the good things first, though. Firstly, the monsters were very well done. Instead of being completely computer generated, the were people in costumes, and the mouths were CG'ed. For the most part, it was seamless, save for Douglas, the bird. I also liked the parts where Max was having fun with the monsters, because it was fun. It reminded me of being a kid. Luckily, that's most of the movie. Finally, a little bit of a spoiler here, the ending was great and fit perfectly, even if it was sad. They changed the reason of why Max is leaving, as well as the context of the famous phrase "I don't want you to go, I'll eat you up-- I love you so!" Instead of the monster's being conflicted, one of them says it to Max as he boards the boat rather sadly, expressing that they don't want him to leave.

But, again, why is this movie so sad? It deals with divorce, running away, being eaten, letting people down, missing your family, and oddly enough, the existence of God. And, more than anything, its the last one that bothers me the most. Again, spoiler: at one point Douglas tells Carol that Max isn't a king, because no being exist that has the powers to "create and destroy worlds" that Max claimed to have. That was kind of extremely not subtle at all. In fact, that was kind of alienating.

For a movie that's about letting the "wild rumpus start," when it does, it's aimed at kids. Then it shifts to being aimed to adults, back to kids, to adults, etc, etc. It never picks one directly, and when it does, the movie comes off as more confusing than anything. At one point, Carol and Max are walking through a desert to see Max's kingdom. In the background, a giant sheepdog is walking around. I waited until the last fifteen minutes of the movie, wondering what the point of the dog was, and I'm still have no idea. It was, for lack of a better word, a Big-Lipped-Alligator Moment.

Finally, the tone of the movie is extremely depressing, and, that's just wrong. The monsters all mope around, nearly crying, almost constantly. When they aren't depressed, they're fun to watch, but, its short lived. I was wondering if Carol or Alexander the Goat Boy was going to kill themselves for a while there. Instead, and I wish I was making this up, we have Carol ripping another monster's arm off. Like the dog, it came out of left field, and more or less confused the viewers and scared kids. What's worse was that towards the end, the monster shoves a stick in his "arm socket." It just looked awkward.

I can't suggest paying full price to see the movie, but I can't say I hated it. It was good, but not what you'd expect. It's mature, if not too mature, depressing, but still fun, and amazing to watch on the big screen with the monsters. Oh, and Karen O. of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's did the soundtrack, which was really interesting. I'd wait for this to come out on rental to see the movie, but for the whole experience, you need the theater. Wait for it to come to a dollar theater.

I give it 3 out of 6 rumpusing monsters.

Some Changes to the Schedule

I'm going to have to take some things off of the regular schedule, but I have a few good reasons. Mainly, I haven't had time to write much less work. I had a Drill Weekend that was entirely too long and pointless. But the biggest problem has been that my girlfriend has been going through some health issues, which I'd rather not get too detailed with.

That being said, I'm taking the Jericho Journals off the schedule, and I'll work on trying to get the MUA2 and GH5 reviews in by the end of the month, if not by early November. But in good news, the Halloween mega review will start shortly (hopefully Monday), so stick around!

Breathing Room in a Sentence

"The Question you must question is... 'WHY DID I WATCH THIS SAW KNOCK OFF PIECE OF SHIT!?'"

Some News

I've hit a virtual shit storm of busy lately. Part of it is working on this picture. I had to start the digital coloring again because I missed a step, but I'm having fun with it. Its a promo piece for "Goria: Nightmare in Daylight," featuring Erica DuPont against a mirror, her reflection being what she'll become later on. But, more on that later.

I'm thinking of doing a tabletop game (my first time doing one), that works on a D20 system in modern times, but uses the Goria universe. I'm fleshing the story out bit by bit, but I like what I have so far. But, at the same time, I have school and job hunting to worry about to.

Which brings me to my blog. I may start doing Vlogs soon, but I need to get the drivers for the webcam my manager gave me. He tried to give me some drivers, but they were Windows, and I use a Mac. Hey, I saw that, put that finger down! Once I get the drivers, though, this will become easier to maintain.

I've also been playing Guitar Hero 5, and as of this Monday, Guitar Hero: Van Halen. GH5 is awesome (but not Rock Band), and the jury's out on VH, but so far, all right. I will rant about the re-recording of "Semi-Charmed Life," but later. On top of that, I'm starting work on the "HALLOWEEN MEGA REVIEW." I figured I'd let you all know what's on the plate for that.

HMR:

Part 1: Zombieland Review

Part 2: Top Ten Scary Games... That Weren't Meant To Be

Part 3: Another Movie Review (Either Saw 6 or Where the Wild Things Are, I haven't decided)

Part 4: Game Personal Retrospective: Survival Horror Games.

Which will introduce our Guest of Honor: Part 5: Saw: The Game.

But, for the record, so far, the Saw game isn't bad at all. Though that may change. Keep an eye out!

LATE, I Know: The Card Player... in 5 words or less.

The Card Player... in 5 words or less

"Remember, Straight Flush beats Royal."

Or, I could've done this:

"She's pregnant... what's the purpose?"

Yes, Dario Argento needs to stop. This movie sucked balls.

Sorry this isn't in "Rant" form ("Breathing Room" will be, I promise). I have a rant brewing about reviewers, Iron Man, and or all things, Noise Pollution, so hang tight.

October: A Month Of Horror and Cheap Movies

Here's a look at what's too come for this month:

10/5: Movie Review: The Card Player

10/8: Movie Review: Breathing Room

10/12: Game Review: Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2

10/19: Game Review: Guitar Hero 5

10/22: Jericho: Captain Ross' Journals

10/26: Dead Space Extraction in Five Words or Less

10/30: Ultimate Halloween Review!

Plus, my trademark rants will start showing up more and more. Keep a look out!