Upcoming stuff:

Horrid Horror Movie Reviews:

Man-Thing

Carnivore

Hellraiser part 1: Hellraise: Bloodlines

Hellraiser part 2: Hellraiser: Hellseeker

Hellraiser part 3: Hellraiser: Hellworld

Dark Ride

Video Game Retrospectives:

ReLoaded

XIII

Wild 9

Project Snowblind

Game Reviews:

Uncharted and Uncharted 2

Infamous

Resistance

Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 (once I beat pro-reg)

Specials:

Little BIG Planet: Tales of the Sack

Over the Border(lands)

The Christmas Treat Part 3: Top Twenty From Hell: Top 20 Favorite Movies Part 2

10: Tombstone: I hate Westerns with a passion, but Tombstone is the one exception. The story isn't anything grand, but the writing and acting is superb. Who would've thought that Val Kilmer and Sam Elliot would work together on screen? Who thought that Val Kilmer would be an ideal fit for Doc Holiday? This is the only Western I'll watch, because it'll keep you entertained.

9: We Were Soldiers: A lot of people look at the Vietnam War as a negative event in American history, but never take the time to look at it from the soldier's perspective. We Were Soldiers takes it one step beyond, and has you look at the war from both the soldiers' and their families' views. It does it from a objective perspective, and even ends on a note that shows that, yes, we were fighting people, not monsters. Ending the movie on a note like that is an unexpected surprise, and worth noting for any other war movie.

8: Time Bandits: This is one no one would expect to enjoy after hearing the premise: a team of little people that helped God build the world steal a time machine and kidnap a kid, taking him on adventures to meet Robin Hood, Agamemnon, and the Ultimate Evil. Again, though, Terry Gilliam makes this movie work. It becomes a fun thrill ride with cameos from John Cleese and Sean Connery that make you feel for the characters, and even absorbs you into the tale. Not many movies can do that now a days!

7: The Shining (Remake): A lot of people don't like the remake, but lets face it, it was a lot closer to the book than that other crap. Yes, it was made for TV, but watch it, and tell me that it still isn't freaky. I never knew that Stephen Webber could be that scary after Wings. Then again, this is kind of out shined by the next movie...

6: Dreamcatcher: Yes, I know this movie was panned by almost every critic. But, I loved this movie anyway. Morgan Freeman as an unsuspected psychopath? Check. Damien Lewis, Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, and Timothy Olyphant as four friends that seem to have that chemistry. Check. Close to the book without spoiling it? Check. What also puts this closer to my heart is that the four friends remind me of me and my friends. I just wish "I" wasn't the first to die...

5: Ju-Rei: J-Horror for the win. Ju-Rei: The Uncanny is the prequel to the original Japanese "Grudge" series, but told in the most unusual manner possible: Backwards. By today's standards, its hard to describe it, but the build up to the origin of the Grudge works better than any American remake could ever do.

4: What Dreams May Come: Yes, I'm sort of Religious. That's why I love this movie, but not the main reason. Robin Williams plays a man whose wife killed herself a year before he died. He searches all of Heaven for her, but finds out she's in Hell. So, what else should he do other than scour Hell for her and try to bring her back? Its a movie that is both filmed and written beautifully, and worth the watch.

3: The Dark Knight: Yes, this movie is on almost every top ten list, but its that damn good. Lets get the obvious out of the way: Yes, the movie was written well, yes Ledger was awesome as the Joker, and yes Batman's voice was annoying. But, everything played out so well and so dark, that you could forget that this was a comic book movie. What other comic movie could do that? Also, extra points for not casting Katie Holmes again...

2: Watchmen: It looks like your watching the comic book in live action. The casting is near perfect (except Malin Ackerman and her wooden acting) and it looks like a work of art come to life. And to the naysayers due to Dr. Manhattan's nudity, get over yourselves, it wasn't that noticeable. In fact, its more true to the source material. The only bad thing was that the sex scene went on way to long, but with a movie like this, that's almost splitting hairs.

1: Pan's Labyrinth: This movie is beautiful, horrifying, sad, and uplifting all at once. A fairy tale for adults, Pan's Labyrinth focuses on a little girl in fascist Spain during a civil war. She's obsessed with fairy tales, to the point where she finds herself inside of one. Without spoiling the whole movie, she meets a wide array of creepy, yet beautifully done, characters, and makes a choice that will change her life forever. Sure, you have to read subtitles, but its worth it. This movie is the most amazing movie I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

The Christmas Treat Part 2: Horrid Horror Movie Review: Black Christmas

When you think of Christmas, what comes to mind? Family? Gifts? Food? Jaundiced boys forced to have sex with their 60 year-old mother in order to get her pregnant? Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenberg as drunk sorority girls? Well, I think of the first three (and part of the last, but it more or less involves them in teddies... and not drunk). Luckily for us, here's comes Black Christmas, the atheist asshole's dream movie, to rape our holiday thoughts.

I'll give the movie credit, at least its not as bad as Cthulhu, and is mostly more coherent that The Nun. But, damn, if this isn't a huge disappointment. Who wants a holiday horror movie with one redeeming factor? For the effort I put into this review (again, I busted out the notebook), I could've watched Silent Night, Deadly Night or Santa's Slay, and not have to worry about having to laugh at a funny part that was actually in the movie. Despite the fact that the funny scenes are funny, I'd still rather see Regan Reese doing a strip tease as Santa Claus; it'd be more entertaining, funnier, and scarier than Black Christmas (thanks, Patty, for that joke and the mental image).

The movie starts with a girl wrapping a McGuffin-- oops-- a gift for her sister. She writes the card in red ink, but puts the pen down to look in her closet for nothing at all. She comes back, sees the pen is still on the ground, and panics. Some one sneaks up behind her, puts a black plastic bag over her face, and stabs her in the eye with the pen that was just on the ground a second ago. Even better, when the pen is on the ground, it leaves a red puddle. The girl was writing her sister's card in blood, apparently; the same blood that was supposed to be spurting from her eye when she was stabbed. Special effects budget for the fail.

The scene cuts to the credits. Normally, I'd skip over this, but two things happened with this: Kristin Cloke's name came up, first of all. Anyone who knows me knows that I think her character of Laura Means ruined the show "Millennium." Her character was underwhelming written, and overwhelming useless, with the world's dumbest catch phrase: "Here's my thing..." I thought that I was the only one who saw this, but luckily, this link proved me wrong. It got to the point in the show where Lance Henriksen makes fun of her. The second thing is that the Christmas song from the Millennium Christmas episode, "The Midnight of the Century," is used. See, the producers of the second season of "Millennium" made this movie. So, if that was supposed to be a reference, who the hell was supposed to get it, people who happened to watch that episode of "Millennium" before watching this movie? Even then, who's watching the show and the movie for the background music? Sure it adds to the atmosphere, but I doubt someone is watching this thinking, "God I wish the girls would shut up, this ambient music is so cool!"

After the credits, we meet one of our heroes, Kelli, and her "boyfriend," Kyle. Kelli says she wants to be with her family, as Kyle tells her he is her family. Ewwwww... incest for the lose. She goes in, but we cut to another girl watching her sex tape of her and Kyle. Congrats movie, I now hate all of the characters in this movie that I've met so far. Next, we meet Dana (Lacey Chabert), Melissa (Michelle Trachtenberg), Mrs. Mac (the house mother), Heather (the "smart one"), and Laura (the drunk one). Dana is an emo bitch who wants to go outside, but Melissa shoots her down by saying that it's hailing bigger than Yao's ballsack. So, here's the break down:

Claire: Dead

Kelli: The Slut

Kyle: The Manho

Megan: The Girl who was Cheated on by the Manho

Dana: Emo Bitch

Melissa: Pervert

Mrs. Mac: House Mom

Heather: the Smart One

Laura: The Drunk One

Yeah, this is a sorority house, all right.

Megan hears something, so she goes up to the attic where she's murdered. The killer gouges her eye with a finger bigger than Megan's eyesocket, and yet pulls out the eye, which is completely undamaged. Also, the nerve is the width of an XBox 360 Power cable. If this is the case, why don't people see better than we do? And why did she leave her computer on, with a still of her sex tape? This is McGuffin #2. This movie makes the Pulp Fiction's suitcase jealous.

McGuffin #3 shows up in the form of Christmas gifts. The sorority house used to house a killer named Billy Lenz, who is in an insane asylum that has a guy in a Santa suit walking through. A security guard grills him on his intrusion, but lets him roam despite being a security risk. This is where we see a name on one of the cell doors: Arrmiez, Richard. Really, movie? Arrmiez? Ramirez? You reference the freaking Night Stalker? Who did you think would get that? I only did because I studied serial killers and psychology, but unless people are studying serial killers or just freaks for this kind of thing, that reference will go over their head. Not to mention for a tongue in cheek reference, that was a little too highbrow. Not many people would get the joke in that short amount of time.

Making this scene worse, an orderly is giving the gift of cookies, milk, candy canes, and drugs. Billy lures a guard to his cell and stabs him in the neck with a "sharpened" candy cane, leaving the guard dying. The guard doesn't look like he's dying, but instead looks a little inconvenienced by this. Also, the other guard that was outside doesn't stop Billy as he walks right by him, dressed in red pajamas that look nothing like an orderly or a guard. Why didn't the first guard get up, because obviously, he was just mildly annoyed that a jaundiced, sick man in red pajamas stabbed him in the neck with a candy cane, as if this has happened before.

Santa, in the mean time, gets hit on by an orderly. But, while telling the girl that she should sit on his lap for being naughty (don't ask, Santa can't do double entendres), Billy sneaks up on Santa and kills him. Unfortunately, all we see is Santa's boots, and what looks like blood rushing from the trajectory of his ass. Also, Billy's PJ's look like a Santa suit, wasn't killing Santa a little excessive? As with every other character in this, Billy has an irrational hatred of Santa. Seriously, I'll count the times someone mentions how bad Santa is, or insults him. It'll be fun.

Back at the Sorority House of Delta Delta Kappa (at least according to the signs, everyone in the movie calls it Alpha Kappa), Heather doesn't want to participate in Christmas because the house's tradition is to have a gift for Billy, and Heather thinks it's sick to give a serial killer a gift every year. Melissa tries to correct her by saying that "Serial killers kill repeatedly due to sexual pressure. Billy was a spree killer, he just fucking lost it." There are so many things wrong with this line, that I'm trying to keep my nose from gushing blood. First of all, serial killers are usually antisocial, and kill due to a targeting stressor. The stressor could be something as simple as a guy dressed in a bear suit, or a hidden sexual issue. But, only a few killers, Bundy, Gacy, and Daumer, killed due to sexual issues, where as others, like Jack the Ripper, or Richard Ramirez, killed because of other stressors. Secondly, Billy killed two people. That's not a spree killer, that's a guy who killed his mom and step dad. Thirdly, Michelle Trachtenberg should NOT say "fuck," nor should she sound like she's smoking a pack an hour.

Drunk girl mentions that Christmas is more Pagan than Christian by stating that the Christmas tree was used to ward off evil spirits, and Mistletoe was used as a conception charm. Giving credit, she's almost right about the tree, but I'll get to that in a second. Mistletoe isn't as widely thought of as a conception charm, though, but as a symbol of death. As far as I could research, this comes from when Frigga blessed almost everything on the Earth except for Mistletoe, which Hoor used to accidentally kill Baldr, thus causing Winter. But, when Baldr was resurrected, Frigga blessed the Mistletoe, thus starting the kissing under tradition. The only thing I could find that uses it as a conception charm is the druids using it for animals.

And while the Christmas tree does have Pagan roots (including Gaelic and Druid), the tree and mistletoe both have roots in Christianity. Some believe that the mistletoe was used in the Crucifixion cross, and the Evergreen as an example of everlasting life. So, again, the movie fails at educating us.

Drunk girl also goes on to say that Santa is a voyeur, and breaks into houses, making him no better than Billy. Except, Santa gives gifts, and Billy murders people, (by the way, that's twice they insulted Santa). Mrs. Mac tells the girls that Billy didn't break in, as she pulls out a flaming marshmallow, blows it out, says he lived her, and bites the burning hot marshmallow. Yeah, that's brilliant. Scald your mouth to keep yourself from telling this horrible story. Oh, crap, it didn't work.

Billy was born to a fifty year old woman and her thirty year-old husband. He had a rare liver disease that made his skin yellow. Yeah, hepatitis isn't magical, people. Nor is liver failure. Billy's mom hates Billy... for some reason involving his dad. When Billy is ten, his mother tells him that the Russians killed Santa (it's not bad enough that Santa is insulted, but he has to be dead, too?), and proceeds to kill his dad in front of him. To save time, I'll put the pieces of this retarded puzzle together for you now, instead of going back and forth. Mom marries her lover, but he falls a sleep during sex, forcing her to go to the attic and have sex with her son. Merry Christmas! Have some incest.

The mother has a baby that she names Agnes (she must hate her kids), and she babies her constantly, including keeping beer and bongs within Agnes' reach. Billy sees his mom babying Agnes, and decides to go nuts, gouge her eye out, eat it, and kill his mom and step dad. Billy and Agnes both survived, and, well... Isn't it obvious by now?

Anywho, Heather goes to pack and leave, but is stopped by Eve, the sorority nerd. Eve gives Heather a glass unicorn because Heather likes the Bible. Where in the hell did unicorns appear in the Bible? Did the writers intend on making Eve the Sorority retard at first, but realized that with everyone else acting like complete idiots, it was too redundant? We've heard that all serial killers are sex fiends, Santa's dead, two killings constitutes a spree killer, and and now unicorns were in the Bible. I've talked to four year-olds smarter than this movie. Anyway, the gift or a glass unicorn convinced Heather to stay, but Eve leaves the movie forever. Well, we know who the smart one really is, now!

The phone rings, causing Kelli to pick it up, thinking it's Kyle. She's alarmed, but puts it on speaker phone, exposing that it's really Billy, using fifty different voices to say, "She's my family now." Drunk girl asks if he should be delivering gifts now, because, of course, Santa leaves disturbing messages on everybody's phones. That's four now. Heather suggest that they call the police, but instead, they call *69 so they can find out who it is. As it ends up, its Claire's phone, causing the girls to go upstairs, and invade Megan's room (Claire's her roommate). Instead of Megan, we find Kyle, who broke into Megan's room because the window was open. In the middle of winter. Pneumonia must be the cool thing now.

Somehow, the girls split up when Laura Means walks into the house screaming "Where's my sister?" Megan and Kyle are left alone looking for Megan's phone, while Chabert and the house mom talk Means' character, Leigh. Leigh is Claire's sister, but for some reason, Mrs. Mac interrogates her like she was breaking in. Paige gets upset, and starts ranting about how bad the sorority house is, causing Chabert to say, "I love the goat." I thought I was hearing things after The Nun, but no, that's really what she said. I was so damn dumbfounded that I rewinded the movie to find a goat in the house. Nothing. It's a shame too, it would've fit in with their Pagan Christmas. Maybe Santa killed their pet goat, and they just now realized it.

Leigh finds a gift wrapped in newspaper and mentions that its from Billy to Alpha Kappa, despite standing in front of a plaque showing that the sorority is Delta Delta Kappa. Mrs. Mac is shocked because that wasn't there before. Just then, the power goes out. Back in Megan's room, the screensaver (an eyeball with wings) cuts off, showing the still of the sex tape, which Kelli happens to see. This makes her angry at Kyle. Also, Laura starts to vomit, thanks to her being a drunk, and Trachtenberg takes her upstairs, followed by the rest of the house girls and Leigh. They happen to see Kelli and Kyle arguing about Kyle's fickle pickle, to which Kyle relates filming his romp with Megan as being better than dealing drugs, or robbing a liquor store. His logic is those are bad, but filming yourself boinking a presumably drunk sorority girl and posting it on a porn site isn't. It must be nice in his little world. He leaves, shouting "Fuck all you bitches," which causes Mrs. Mac to push him lightly.

Laura strips and showers, not noticing that Billy pushed the tiles out from the bottom of the floor out to watch her. He doesn't see much, because Laura only rinses the vomit from her, and puts her clothes on, going to bed a few seconds later. Leigh and Chabert discuss that the fuse box is in the basement, and accessible from outside only. Chabert mentions that she isn't a "princess bitch," but snaps that its too cold for her to go outside and fix the fuse box. She goes out, lights a cigarette, and drops it down a pin hole, on top of Billy's head. God, she should've been an army sniper. She follows the scuttling sound to the basement where Billy kills her.

Her screaming lures the rest of the house outside, where they find Eve's car. Heather and Leigh open Eve's door, and her head tumbles out of the car. The house runs inside, and call the police (finally). Kelli mentions that one girl is dead and three others are-- but she's cut off by Leigh who says "MISSING! Missing." Kelli then says "missing," making me wonder what the interruption was about. The police are cut off by the storm, and it'll take them two hours to show up. Mrs. Mac gets the idea to drive there instead. If the police can't head to your place, how do you expect to have any better luck? Heather wants to go with her, but Leigh, Trachtenberg, and Kelli want to stay so Claire has a full house to come home to. All of them also seemed to have forgotten about the drunk girl upstairs. Kelli says "We're sisters! Act like it!" Causing Mrs. Mac and Heather to do the sisterly thing and leave them to get murdered. Don't you just love family?

Mrs. Mac and Heather arrive at the car, but of course, its frosted over. Mrs. Mac pulls out an ice scraper, causing Heather to ask what it is. You know, because all women know nothing about cars! Seriously, she's 18-24, and doesn't know what a scraper is? How are we supposed to take this seriously? Well, as Mrs. Mac is scraping the car, she sees Heather get killed by Billy, causing her to back up, knocking an icicle loose that falls two feet through her skull. What has this movie taught us? Candy canes can be used to stab security guards and annoy them, Santa is a voyeuristic bastard who was killed by the Russians (or a jaundiced mental patient), and icicles can impale through your skull after falling two feet. Newton would have a hayday with this movie.

Kelli and Trachtenberg see all of this through Laura's window, causing them to scream. Leigh is still looking for Claire, though. She opens a door and is scared by the disembodied head of Santa, smiling at her. This prompts her to say the most ingenious line in the movie, one so awesome, that it needs a tee-shirt: "Fuck you, Santa Claus!" I don't care if they insulted Santa two more times, this line is almost so awesome, that it almost made this movie good. I mean, can you imagine how much you'd laugh is someone went up to sit on Santa's lap just to be a douchebag and say, "Fuck you, Santa Claus?" You would laugh your butt off, because you'd do the same thing.

Kelli and Leigh try to open the gate, but its blocked by Mrs. Mac's body. They go inside, slip on some blood (which came from nowhere), making Trachtenberg come out of the room. The killer tries to put a bag over her head, but Trachtenberg rips the bag, instead of the base, for once, doing something smart, and knocks the killer back, and beats her with a ski pole. The killer, grabs and ice skate, and throws it at Trachtenberg, cutting of the back of her head. Dear Lord... ice skates don't cut, people! The blade on ice skates actually create friction on such a small area, that it melts the ice. You cannot cut someone's head off with ice skates, especially by throwing them.

Kelli and Leigh go into the room, only to find Kyle. Leigh attacks Kyle, but he pushes her onto the bed, showing that Lauren is dead, and her eyes removed. When did this happen? I can't remember, but given that the body was left behind, maybe Santa killed her out of revenge for her constant slander. The three decide to check the attic, where Kyle is snagged and murdered by Agnes, Billy's sister/daughter. Agnes says that the victim's are her family. Kelli tells Agnes that her brother isn't coming, only to find out that Billy is Agnes' dad.

Agnes fights Kelli, but is thrown through a hole in the floor, pinning her between two walls. Billy pushes Kelli in, and starts to climb down. Kelli grabs a string of lights, pulling the tree down, and knocking over some lit candles. Leigh manages to break down the wall, free Kelli, and escape the now burning house, trapping Billy and Agnes inside.

We find out that the hospital and police station are on campus meaning that whole two hour thing was complete bullshit. Leigh visits Kelli in the hospital room where she opens her McGuffin... a silver watch. Kelli is taken to get some x-ray's, leaving Leigh alone to get killed by Agnes. Damn it movie, just end, will you?! Kelli comes back with her nurse, who finds that the lock is broken, but closes the door anyway. Kelli is cornered by Agnes, but kills her attacker with the defibrillator, and runs away from a burned Billy. No one in the hospital sees anything strange about this until Billy grabs Kelli and holds her over a balcony. Kelli flips him over it, and he falls impaling himself on a Christmas Tree, thus ending this horrible movie.

This movie sucks the algae of a century old fish tank. It has holes in the plot that go nowhere, endless McGuffins for no reason, and is written by people who have no idea of what physics are. On top of that, trying to "educate" us on what Christmas really is with unconfirmed rumors and insulting Santa is bad enough, but insulting the actual meaning of the holiday is insulting to everyone who celebrates Christmas. Christmas is about family, togetherness, and to Christians, yes, the birth of Christ. Trying to make it seem that Christmas is Santa and Gifts, in a slasher horror setting is balls out retarded.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Channukah, Happy New Years, and to apologize to Santa...

... maybe lighting that fire was a bad idea...

The Christmas Treat Part 1: The Top 20 from Hell: My 20 Favorite Movies 20-11

Yeah, so I got this from the Nostalgia Critic, but I'm in the same book; I have so many favorite movies, I can't narrow them down to ten. So here goes the start.

By the way: I'm also going to do my Top 20 Favorite games, but that's later on.

20: Insaniac: This is one that I'm sure only the Indie people know about, if even that. That's mainly because it's an Indie movie. The premise itself is quite interesting: a psych patient with amnesia delves through her subconscious to find the source of her amnesia. Her subconscious, a seven floored building plus a basement, has several horrifying images, including a suicide victim that went a little overboard. Even though some of the acting is really bad, and the filming is very Indie, the plot is well written and more than makes up for it.

19: The Mighty: Growing up, the book The Mighty (a.k.a. Freak the Mighty) was one of my favorite books (as well as one my entire family seemed to have loved). The movie adaptation seemed to have had a shadow over it mainly because... well, when did they ever work right? Surprisingly, "The Mighty" was one of the few movies based on a book that did work right. When an hour and a half movie can make you tear up as much as a book, and still not feel like you missed the point, consider it a success.

18: The City of Lost Children: I mentioned this on a Top Ten from Hell, but despite what I said, this movie is fantastic. It's the original Fairy Tale for Adults, and down right bizarre at that. The story involves a mad scientist who cannot dream, so he tries to steal the dreams of little kids. His minions kidnap the little brother of the strongman, One (played by Ron Perlman), who goes after them, eventually teaming up with a little girl thief named Miette. This is only skimming the surface of the story, but instead of me telling you about it, find this movie and watch it. You'll be glad you did.

17: Hellraiser: I know... what's a horror movie doing on this list? Well, surprisingly, I like horror movies. Just... most of them don't do horror right. "Hellraiser", based on the novella The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker is one that does. Instead of being a slasher, it gets under your skin, and crawls. Toward the end of the movie, when you see Pinhead for the first time, you know the shit hit the fan. But, at the same time, you can't help but be drawn into the game he weaves. That is what horror should be, not a gore and sex fest, but something that makes you want to turn your head, but draws you to far in to allow you to do so. And "Hellraiser" does just that.

16: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: I wanted to hate this movie. I really did, but surprisingly, I loved it. Even more surprisingly, one of my favorite directors, Terry Gilliam, directed it. As soon as you start watching, you feel like you were thrown into someone's drug trip... and it only gets weirder from there. Oddly enough, though, it seems to portray drugs in a negative light, which is surprising when you take into account what Hunter S. Thompson is most famous for. But, by far, the best part of this movie is Johnny Depp's acting. He doesn't play Thompson, he (for lack of cliche) becomes Thompson, and to hilarious effect. If you haven't seen this movie, do so... NOW!

15: The Exorcism of Emily Rose: This may be one of the most controversial titles on this list, but I still think this is a fantastic movie. The effects aren't particularly amazing, and some of the acting is off putting, but the story of a girl who's possessed by several demons does seem to come to life more in this movie than in any other movie with a similar storyline.

14: End of Days: Yes, a Schwazenegger movie... but one that is made of apocalyptic win. Arnie fights the devil, played amazingly by Gabriel Byrne, as he tries to impregnate Robin Tunny on New Year's Day of 1999. Oddly enough, this isn't Ahnold in Ahnold mode, this is Ahnold in acting mode. And it works eerily well (even if you still know its the Governater).

13: The Boondock Saints: Critics will pan my blog for this, but damn it, I love this movie. Its a tongue in cheek action movie about two brothers (twin Irishmen in Boston) killing mafioso. On their trail is Willem Dafoe as a self-hating, homosexual FBI agent. Told in mainly flashbacks of what happened, The Boondock Saints tells the tale that has been told with almost any vigilante movie, but with characters doing it out of a sense of (albeit, skewed) justice and faith. Yes, it is creepy that they think killing is God's work, but it doesn't mean this movie is bad at all. In fact, it just makes it all the more a guilty pleasure. Just remember your rope.

12: Taken: Why? This badass line, and that's just the surface. Liam Nesson plays the dad that every girl would hate, due to him being over protective. Of course, he's also a retired spy, meaning when his daughter is kidnapped in France, Liam goes to badass mode and looks for his daughter before its too late. It's a newer action thriller that remembers both the action and thriller part instead of CGI stunts. Oh, did I mention that it has a better plot than "Kill Everything! GET TO THE CHOPPAH!"?

11: Good Morning Vietnam: Robin Williams is a maniac in this movie, and I mean that in every good way possible. He plays Airforce Radio Show Host Adrian Cronauer, who nearly gets shut down by the Army because his show is too raunchy for troops deployed in Vietnam. Being deployed for a year in Iraq myself (back in the day), I can safely say that his radio show wasn't too raunchy, but just what troops in that situation would need on their time off (what precious little they had). The message of the movie isn't the traditional, "You can achieve your dreams" schlock, but a message that people in a stressful situation deserve to relax every once in a while, why censor what relief they can get? On top of that, it isn't straight comedy, and the drama is done very well. I just have to remember not to answer my phone like he does...

Interesting fact: The real life Adrian Cronauer is a member of MENSA. Here's a clip from his show and an interesting speech about the movie from him.

I will have part 2 up shortly, bear with me, please.

Video Game Retrospective 1: Loaded and RE-Loaded Part 2: Loaded

Like I said before, Loaded was one of the goriest shooters of its time. People exploding into a mass of blood, and constantly... but when you start of a game with a muscular man in a purple dress, hilarity may actually ensue. I opted out of playing as Butch, and his Flaming Queen (seriously, that's his flamethrower's name), and chose my stand by, FWaNK, the Psychotic "Cwown." Of all things, he's armed, again, with a proton blaster and homing teddy bears that explode.

As the game starts, you realize that its not just bloody, but disturbingly fun. Occasionally, you'll come across Master Chief with blond hair, and you'll have to fight him. In fact he's one of two bosses in the game (no, its not really him, either). He only shows up at the end of certain levels, and about four times. The problem is he likes to stay out of range by flying and shooting at you. When he lands, he shoots at you constantly. He also never dies, but opts to fly off instead.

The game itself is a key hunt, but a well done one. You go around, killing everything you see, grab a key, repeat. There is a lot of backtracking, though, and it does start to wear on you after a while. Some levels don't need keys, but need you to collect components for a bomb or gas to fill up your car. These missions are nearly impossible unless you are a pro at this game. Why? Respawning enemies. Dog-leopard things, rats (the most hated enemy ever in this game) and scorpions will surround you and kill you until you're deadx5. Even if you cheat, you'll go through more smart bombs than you really should. I was fed up with scorpions to the point where I shouted "Fucking scorpions! Eat my bear!" out of sheer frustration. But the rats... oh God the rats.

Rats will follow on top of you, squeak, and chew on you. If you turn to shoot them, they go so fast that they out run the blast and chew on your ass some more. Even better, in every level with rats, they respawn... and reproduce. You killed ten rats in one area, when you return, thirty will be waiting for you. It's frustrating as all hell, but you can get through it... with a lot of ammo used.

The music has one fundamental flaw: it repeats. Can you play a game where your favorite song looped constantly? Imagine a twenty minute (at shortest) level with the same one and a half to two and a half minute long song looping. You start to sympathize with your character. What's worse is that it's actually good music (the instrumentals are fantastic), but you'll be sick of hearing them over and over. And they only use five songs out of 28 in a 15 level game.

Graphically, the game is impressive for a PS1. The characters aren't true 3-D, but are animated well. The backgrounds are details pretty sharply, even if some of the 2-D sprites are pixelated. But the one standout aspect is the mess you make. The blood spatters aren't sprites, but different textures for the floor and walls. Hence, the world changes around you. Yes, this took me years to figure out, but is still kick-ass.

The second, and last boss, if FUB (Fat Ugly Boy). ...Okay, so Ennis had a creative block when trying to think of a funny name. FUB is a bullet sponge, but a breeze. Shoot, avoid his bullets, shoot some more. Use your smart bombs and he'll go down hard. See below for his "death." Yeah his head flies off, and you have to fight him again in RE-Loaded.

Oddly enough, the game holds up today, even if it resembles a Flash game. It's addictive, and "pretty" if you can call this mass of goo pretty. But, the music and repetition grind on you after a while. By the way, we're only half way through this. Yes, people some of the psychos are returning, and more pissed than ever. RE-Loaded is coming your way. For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to eat some meat smothered in the red stuff.

Relax, its chicken parmesean.

Video Game Retrospective 1: Loaded and RE-Loaded Part 1

Hello, and it took me long enough. A little background, I was going to review Without Warning first, but it was taking way too long. So was The Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge. Both will be reviewed, though, I promise. So, to start, I went to a game that was easy to pick up and easy to put down... after waves of nausea subside: Loaded.

Before I start talking about Loaded, the series falls into an odd genre. It's a shooter, but with over head view. It falls into the same genre as the Gauntlet series did at first... but without the enemy spawn points, and Loaded is a key hunt. The world around you changes constantly (which is impressive for a Playstation 1 game). You also have a selection of six characters with more variety than the Gauntlet classes.

Loaded has a interesting story behind the game. The game's marketing gimmick was a 12 page comic that came with the game. The comic was written by Garth Ennis and drawn by Greg Staples and Les Spink. Staples also did the concept sketches and designs for the characters. Loaded was also one of the few games to have a licensed soundtrack; three songs are done by English Greebo band Pop Will Eat Itself. Who are they? Well: "Ich Bin EIn Auslander." But that's not on the game. "RSVP" and "Kick to Kill" were, and they're the only songs some American's may know. Even better, the band's insane nature fit with the plot of the game perfectly.

The game's plot revolves around six insane criminals: FWaNK, the psychotic clown with explosive teddy bears, Bounca, the doorman with a metal jaw and rocket launcher, Butch, a crossdresser, Mamma, a mammoth man-baby, Cap'n Hands, the robot pirate, and Vox, the foulmouthed DJ. Each character had their own weapons ranging from Uzis to Proton Blasters. They also had a mega bomb ranging from a black hole to screaming "fuck" really, really loud. Oh, did I mention that Loaded is one of the first (if not only) games on the PS1 to have someone say "fuck?" Yeah, the one female character, Vox, does as her mega "kill everything in sight" bomb.

It's also on of the sickest PS1 games ever made. In most games, when you kill someone, the fall over and may have a bullet hole. In Loaded, they turn into fleshy bloody mounds and splatter on the floor. Or, in Butch's case, ashes. When you die, you're nearly unrecognizable. There's even a cheat to play as a pile of gore. Yeah, and the Saw game was controversial.

This is just skimming the surface. Tune in next time for Loaded and RE-Loaded Part 2: The Loaded review. Until then, this is the Window Keeper signing off to clean the floors.

... I think that's a foot...

Video Game Retrospective Preview

After going through my abundance of PS2 (and PS1) games, I've decided to do a new blog series: Video Game Retrospective. With this, I'll review games from the PC to PS2 era, both good and bad, and discuss the history behind them, and their legacy. Some of them will be obscure games, others will be recent classics. Here's what I have planned:

Without Warning (Capcom)

Loaded and Re-Loaded (Interplay)

The Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge (Capcom)

Kuon (Agetec)

Echo Night: Beyond (Agetec)

Darkwatch (Capcom)

Medal of Honor: Rising Sun (EA)

XIII (Ubisoft)

These are the first few. Again, no times on these because of school, work, and the car hunt. I will say that Without Warning should be here fairly soon.

I'd Like To Play A Game: The "Saw: The Video Game" Review

Developer: Zombie Studios

Publisher: Konami

Game: Saw

For a little background, Saw: The Game had a troubled development. It started off being developed by Brash Entertainment, but Brash went under. When this happened, Konami took the reigns. Konami, for those of you who don't know, where the geniuses (and I mean that mostly literally) behind the Silent Hill series. If you don't know this by now, I love Silent Hill... except that crappy sequel, Silent Hill 2, but that's a different story. When Konami took over publishing, the game was all ready near completion, and they went forward with the release date in early October. The question is, though, should it have been released, or is this a waste of time like Saw V?

The story takes place after the first Saw. You play as Detective Tapp, who Jigsaw fixed up from his gunshot wound, and trapped him in an abandoned mental asylum. Tapp must fight his obsession to catch Jigsaw, save the people he has "damaged" during his investigation (including Amanda from the series), and escape the asylum before being killed by others who are also trapped, and want the key sewed inside of him (and yet, no sepsis sets in, either). Other things hindering your progress are puzzles such as broken circuit boards and pipes that you have to align to drain gas out of the room.

The story is good by Saw standards. Where it falls apart, though, is the fact that the puzzles, which are randomly generated, are thrown in at points. About 25% of the time, I got a puzzle that was unsolvable due to having one too many pieces that I needed to get working, or on one instance, all the pipes aligned properly except for the last one. While that's annoying to say the least, it doesn't get in the way so much that the game is unplayable.

The controls take care of that, though. Movement and action buttons all work fine, but combat is a pain. I don't know if this was intended by story or if this was a glitch, but Tapp moves slowly when he attacks. Even with a light weapon, like a knife, he moves like he's in Jell-o. This means that before you complete the attack, the guy you're fighting hit you first, even if he's using a Nail-bat. What you'd have to do is press the "Attack mode" button, press attack, and run up to the guy while attacking. Even then, you'd be lucky to get the attack in without getting hurt first.

Graphically... what can I say? It uses the Unreal 3 engine... and its among the worst looking games I've seen with this engine, at least character-wise. All of the characters look the same, mainly because they all have the same "down-turned" nose that Billy the Puppet has. Animations are clunky and fake looking, and are downright unrealistic (no one moves their arms as much as these guys do when they talk). They come off as downright cartoony. In contrast, though, the backgrounds and atmosphere are done extremely well. You'd almost feel like you were in a Saw movie if it weren't for the people.

Finally, there's the voice acting. It's absolutely horrid. I was fighting a guy at one point who was calmly telling me that "There's a key inside you," and "This is the game. Let's go," all while he was chasing me with a timed trap on him. Only one person returned from the Saw cast, and that was Tobin Bell. He's the redeeming quality in the voice work, and without him, it wouldn't be a Saw game. But, it makes you think, what was Shawnee Smith doing that she couldn't voice Amanda?

All in all, this isn't a bad game, especially for fans of Saw. But, for anyone else, they may see a game with lackluster graphics, repetitive and annoying puzzles, and bad voice acting. It's easy to pass by, even if you are a horror fan, but give it a rental or wait for it to be available for $20. Trust me, that shouldn't take long.

Overall: C

+All right game play

+ Good story

- Bad combat

-Repetitive puzzles...

- ... that are unsolvable at times.

Venting or Just Composing Myselves.

Ironically, while I'm deep in thought, I'm listening to Billy Corgan screaming about how bad the world is ("Tales of a Scorched Earth" from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness). But, it could be worse, it could be Jonathan Coultan's "Baby Got Back."

As some of you know, I was in a car accident last week. I'm all right, but my car may be totaled, leaving me to look for a new car. Though, admittedly, I thought I was going to die, thus making me enjoy what I have even more. The only thing is, I feel like a chump bumming rides off of my friends, and I'm trying to hurry and find a cheap car. In the meantime, Christmas is coming up (no, I'm not asking my parents for a new car, I'm not spoiled :P), making the timing worse and better at the same time. I don't have to deal with the idiots on Black Friday, but my Thanksgiving plans are shot to hell in a hand basket. Okay, not that I really had plans in the first place, but if I did, they would be.

But, on the good end, other my health, I have some amazing friends. Jim gave me a ride back from school, and has done a lot of other things to help me through this that words can't express how thankful I am to have him as a friend. Kev, Tim, Joe, Heather, Aaron, and Tyra have been helpful as well, whether they know it or not. On the other end, Patty has been her usual crazy self, even when she's insightful (going so far as to point out that it was me driving carefully that got me in the accident). Jenna has been my financial advisor, as well as a good person to vent to. Finally, Binkie, whose first reaction was, "Oh dear God, please tell me you're all right!" then "Tell me that the other driver is all right, too," worrying about the car least of all. To be fair, that was my Mom's same reaction, too, but this goes to show why I love Bink, as well.

As well as the crash, I had my final project in my Design Techniques class to worry about. In fact, that's why I was driving on the roads in the morning! I got part of it done, but I couldn't finish all of it (I was doing a DVD case and slip for a fake movie company, and I only finished the booklet). Luckily, my teacher knew that no one would finish it, and said she would take that into account (what with the schedule changes and the move and all). On top of that, my Illustration project was in my car when it was towed, so I had to reprint that and turn it in without the thumbnails (luckily, that teacher understood the circumstances).

My point is that I am immensely thankful for everyone who has been there this past week. You're the best friends a guy could have, and probably more than I deserve (especially Binkie, who I've tormented time and again since I met her).

The other thing, I've had a lot of time to play with our new toy (Bink and I bought a PS3 before the accident, when we thought we would be financially secure), and I'll have some more reviews up soon! Here's what will follow:

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

Killzone 2

The LittleBIGPlanet Journal (My thoughts on aspects of the games)

Resistance: Fall of Man

I won't put dates up because I don't know when they'll be up, but keep checking here (my blogspot for my LJ users).

The Top Ten From Hell: Dumbest Movie Moments in Horror Movies

Top Ten from Hell time. This time, I'll be covering the top 10 dumbest moments from horror movies. This is different from the weirdest moments because the scenes in this could make sense, but be absolutely stupid. Without further ado:

10: The sex scene in Cthulhu: I know I'm going to this movie in every review and top 10, but I have to due to the fact that this movie is the worst movie I've ever seen. The gay sex scene that appears for no reason other than to have a sex scene... which is reason for any movie to have a sex scene anyway. What makes this dumber, though, is the fact that scene comes from so far from left field, that the current writers of House, M.D. would be confused. And they've been coming up with more nonsensical plot lines than Dr. Seuss has written nonsense words.

9: "...Place your bets!!!" from Freddy vs Jason: The movie made no sense anyway, but the scene that tops it is Monica Keena growling "Freddy versus Jason: PLACE. YOUR. BETS!" I guess they needed to put the title of the movie in the movie... but the line is so over the top cheesy you could get constipation from it.

8: The ending of My Bloody Valentine 3D: It's a pet peeve of mine when its exposed that the main character is the movie villain. My Bloody Valentine 3D makes this pet peeve even worse. Why? Because for it to be true, Jensen Ackles' character would have to be in two places (sometimes three or four) at once for him to be the bad guy. I guess he could clone himself... or this was bad writing. I think its the latter.

7: Goth guy hitting on his sister in Tromeo and Juliet: ... I won't even dignify this with why. You can figure this one out.

6: The neck breaking kick from Orphan: A sedated, beaten up woman kicks a 34 year-old woman so hard, her neck breaks. There is NO WAY THIS WOULD WORK! Do you realize how much force would have to be applied to do this? More than a sedated, beaten up, tired woman who was put into a drug induced coma five hours before could ever do.

5: The Ending of The Forgotten: Seriously? Aliens made the entire populace of the word forget about one kid, except for his mother? And they're advanced?! Isn't that a huge flaw in their plan? You know, one that they may try not to overlook?

4: Danny's Imaginary Friend from The Shining (1984): Moving your finger does not activate your imaginary friend. And if he is a little boy that lives in your mouth... you may need a psychiatrist. And lots of thorozine.

3: The girl who puts her hands in the razor covered sleeves in Saw II: If you look at the top of the screen, the padlock with the key in it is obviously visible. Yet, she shoves in her hands in the sleeves, with razor blades cutting into her arm. Way to pay attention, dork-bitch.

2: "Trevor doesn't want a Yee-yee" from The Nun: The line doesn't make sense at all. Who's Trevor? What's a Yee-yee? And what is Trevor's problem with this "Yee-yee" thing? And why does a 17 year-old have a fucking gun?!

1: The Parrot guy from Day Watch: To put this in perspective, NightWatch had Olga, a woman cursed to become an owl. Day Watch has a parrot that becomes a man wearing a bright green jacket and pants, a bright pink shirt, and pink sunglasses. And all he does is scream. Why? Because... ah, fuck it. I have no clue other than the movie writers were either high or suffered a severe case of writer's block and had a pet parrot that screamed constantly. Either way, its a scary thought.

"Editorial" Explanation of My Impressions of MW2

A lot of people were up in arms for the past two weeks with a few things. There was the Fort Hood shooting, which is indeed a valid reason to be up in arms (though for some, the wrong reason, meaning not the shootings themselves). But, the normally ridiculous thing was a level in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 that involved you playing as a CIA operative during an undercover operation in a terrorist unit, shooting in an airport, killing innocents. But, there are two questions: Was the level necessary? and Was the killing in it called for?

Well, here are my answers (and my opinion): No and no. But, its not for the reasons you may be thinking. I saw someone playing this level, and I will say this: it does what it's supposed to, and that's show you the atrocities of terrorism. Might I add that this level does it well, too, but to an extent. Yes, you witness the death of hundreds of people, civilians and police alike, and you do take part in this... but you can choose when you do. What this amounts to is the player going through the level without firing a shot until a certain where you have to defend yourself.

If you ask me, this is actually counter productive for the message. I am not saying that they should've made it so that you had to kill innocent people, although, oddly enough, that would've pushed the message across more accurately, but that'd be way too overboard. For everything that is shown in the game, it might as well be a cutscene until the last five minutes of the level, because, for those of us who wouldn't want to kill innocents (like myself), that's essentially what it is.

In the question of the killing, that's a little harder to answer, but I still have to say "no." This isn't "no" meaning that the level is in it of itself senseless violence, quite the contrary. Again, it makes you sick, ergo, it did its job. Instead, the killing is senseless in the meaning that, again, you aren't the one doing the killing. No matter what you, no one survives. Again, this goes to making it more of a cutscene, which would've had the same, if not a slightly diminished but still effective, message. It seems that the message, though, with everyone dying no matter what is that you can't save them (true, due to the nature of the mission, I realize), instead of one showing the pain and trauma of terrorism.

Ironically, what Infinity Ward set out to do comes out as a completely different message. Its supposed to show the horror of what the terrorists do, by making you go undercover as one of them. Instead, it comes out as a cutscene (one you can choose to interact in, and still not kill noncombatants) that shows more or less just killing, and the terrorism seems as backdrop. Its there, don't get me wrong, but for what it was, several games have done this better, i.e. Manhunt, or Without Warning, both on the Playstation 2.

If they wanted to show the horrors of terrorism, they should have had you play as an unarmed civilian, running through the airport, trying to save himself, but ultimately failing. Towards the end, each step gets harder and harder, each breath is more labored. You look down, and see your chest is blood red as you collapse. With your last breath, you see one of them point his gun at you --bang-- the screen goes black. I bet your feeling sick and horrified at just thinking about that. Isn't that the point, though?

In fact, Modern Warfare the first did something like that. The player's helicopter crashes after a nuclear missile detonates. After it lands, you have one objective: get help. First thing you do is collapse, then crawl until you die. It's frightening, and effective, more so, I feel than MW2's level. But I guess they couldn't compete with that.

Dead Space: Extraction in 5 words or less

Really? That's how you end it?

Seriously, it was good until the last mission.

Halloween Mega Review PT 4: "The Nun" Review or "What the f*** is this s***?"

It finally happened. I finally found a horror movie that was so damn bad, I actually had to take notes on it. There was no way I would memorize all of the stupidity I have witnessed with this... abomination that someone called a movie, so I had to take notes on all of the stupidity. Seven and a half pages of notes, all on this movie called "The Nun."

The movie starts with a nun, Sister Ursula (hold the Little Mermaid jokes until the end), writing "SiN" on the chalkboard, and telling a girl with a bum leg that "God is punishing her." She then tries to force a love letter down another girl's throat. What is it about movies and Nuns? Why are all nuns evil, sadistic wenches? And I'm talking from my personal experience, too. Oh, to make things worse, things are flying around, as if by magic. So, she's a magic, evil nun. Mary (the girl) wakes up, and it was all a dream. Again with the dream sequences?

The next scene, we're introduced to our main characters: Eve, who puts out in showers only to get showered on; Joel, the stupid boy who can't put his camera down, and Julia, a Spanish girl who speaks in a French accent. I did some research, and apparently, the girl is French...? Anyway, the scene introduces the unlikable heroes, making this scene nothing but very bad character development. Anyway, Mary is lurking around the house with a knife, because her kitchen is flooded. Don't bother with trying to figure the logic of this out, in this movie, logic doesn't exist.

Eve comes home, and finds a ghost of a nun holding Mary, her mom (who looks only 5 years older than Eve). The nun moves her hand and... Mary dies... somehow... Seriously, I have no idea how Mary died. Moving on, the cop, who speaks in a gruff English accent (and Eve's accent changes constantly as well), believes that Mary killed herself. Julia comes to take Eve in, and the cop bitches about this. He serves no other purpose than to do this, it seems, as he is never seen again. Cut to Barcelona, where the girl with the bad leg is... hot as hell. Oh, and she's Spanish, despite the fact that she was American before. Wow, this movie is inconsistent. Eve's accent shifts in every scene, Julia has a French accent despite being Spanish, and the grown up students change nationality.

At Mary's funeral, a fat woman approaches Eve about going to the boarding school in Rome to find out about Sister Ursula. What happens, of course, is the nun chasing the woman through a hotel (during which we see the outline of her nipples... the scariest part of the movie), into an elevator. The elevator stops between floors, and the woman gets her arms cut off as she tries to climb out before the elevator comes crashing down. Yeah... elevators can't DO that! Oh, and Eve just walked in the hotel to see her die. This causes Eve to take Julia and Joel with her to Spain, to go the boarding school in Rome... Rome is in Italy! What is said by Julia is one of the most bizarre lines I've heard: "That wasn't the deal. Even the police psychologist said so." What police psychologist, and why was he at an accident scene? Anyway, Eve goes to sleep, and dreams that Sister Ursula is on the wing of the plane. Yes, they ripped off the Twilight Zone.

Eve meets a priest who asks what she's doing. Eve explains, and says she's from New York. Cut to hot woman talking about fat woman leaving from Hawaii. How? She died in New York! At the club, the Priest helps Eve out by giving her hot woman's address, and telling her that he killed his girlfriend in a motorcycle accident, even though he wasn't drunk. Way to help, buddy. Eve goes to hot woman's house, where hot woman is crucified. Her friends catch up to her, and they go to the boarding school Or try, until they realize that they passed the turn by reading the back of a sign. Again... logic fail. The priest invites the friends to follow by saying "Parlez." Wait... he's Spanish, yet he spoke French! God damn you, movie!

As they go into the school, Joel immediately splits up with the team to film... birds. They regroup to find that "SiN" is still written on the chalk board. I guess the school doesn't have any erasers. Julie tells Joel to stop filming because she's scared, meaning Joel needs to make out with her. Meanwhile, Eve finds Zoe and Susan, the remaining two women. They realize that Eve is Mary's daughter, and explain that Mary slept with a priest, got pregnant, and Sister Ursula finds out. The women, then girls, find sister Ursula "purifying" Mary by shoving a cross in her crotch. Yeah, movie... that didn't work in the Exorcist, not going to work here, either. It's important to note that Eve was told that a priest is her father, but she ignores this until the end of the movie.

Anyway, the girls (the older women back in the day) attack Sister Ursula, causing her to hit her head on the edge of the bathtub. She opens her eyes, scaring the girls, who decide to drown her, despite screaming "Don't kill her!" repeatedly. The girls make a deal to never tell anyone about this as they throw the body in a blessed pond. The women realize that the pond is evaporated, causing Sister Ursula's ghost to come back to kill the women. Yeah, Holy Water makes ghosts kill... it isn't used to bless people, it's used to make homicidal ghosts!

Joel and Julia go back to the car, and pull out some tools... including a gun. A 17 year-old boy has a (WARNING: The rest of this review will have expletives. There is no way around this, as this movie pisses me off.) fucking gun in his fucking rental car. He got through customs with a fucking gun, despite being underaged. What in the fuck were the writers smoking? That's not the worst part, either. Julie tells Joel to do this for Eve. Joel's reply: "Trevor doesn't want a yee-yee." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? What makes it worse is that this will happen again, just wait.

Back to what this movie calls "plot," (got to give it credit, it has more than Orphan, and is almost more coherent than Cthulhu), Susan realizes that Ursula wants to destroy sin. Joel screams how this is "I Know What You Did 18 Summers Ago." Do the math: the movie takes place in 2005. The women left the school in 1998. The teens are 18 years-old despite that only seven years have passed. I think that every movie needs a fact checker and mathematician to keep shit like this from happening. But, in a movie like this, I doubt it'd matter, because the fact checker would be as stoned as the fucking writers were. To confirm this, the pries says he believes in ghosts, and takes Eve upstairs after she tries to connect with him. Joel alludes that the priest wants to screw Eve.

Joel tries to fix the power, which he can do despite it being an archaic system, and him being a fucking teenager. In the meantime, Eve tells the priest to stop trying to bone her "in the room where her mother died." WHAT! THE! FUCK?! They're in a room in the school, thousands of miles away from where her mother died, and that's her reason for not wanting to boink the priest? She also calls him by the hot woman's name, causing him to remember... something. He runs, and Ursula attacks Eve, making her realize that 17 years ago, a priest fathered her. That is a hell of a long conception, as Eve was apparently TEN when Mary gave birth to her. Oh, and Eve's mom tried to commit suicide. The priest comes back and says he figured it out.

Susan and Zoe think that history is repeating itself, and wants to stop the priest and Eve from pumping pig iron. Eve seems to be a good enough cockblock without their help. The priest comes back, and Eve says, "Have to come with table. Padre pine in a corridor." Don't ask me... I'm completely lost as it is. But, anyway, Ursula is killing the women in the ways that their namesake saints died in. This is where we find out that someone who died before the movie started was cooked, and Eve says that they're dying in the same way as their "patron saints" died. NO! Being named after a saint does not make that saint a patron saint. A patron saint watches after a person, i.e. St. Michael is the patron saint of soldiers and police, not of the Michaels of the world. Zoe calls Ursula a "Crazy Mudfucker," as the priest says that Ursula is purifying her own sin... by killing others. I give up, movie. Make even less sense, please.

Zoe sees that she's supposed to die by being thrown in an oven, making her go crazy. She sees that St. Ursula died by having an arrow "thrown" through her heart. The team leave Susan and Eve alone to... do... something. They never say, but I assume its to push the story forward. Susan doesn't want decapitated, and locks Eve out of the room she goes into, believing Eve is to blame for the problem. Ursula comes in, sends Susan's head through a window, allowing the top of it to decapitate her.

On the other side of the school, Zoe is holding a harpoon gun. Where in the hell did that come from, and what is anyone doing with a harpoon gun? Joel grabs one (they have two?), but Julia rips it out of his hands, proving that Joel is fucking useless. The team runs to find Susan dead, her head replaced by a styrofoam representation of... someone not Susan. Somehow, Eve grabs a harpoon gun and shoots at Ursula, which only she can see. It's now that we find out that Mary got pregnant and Ursula tried to force her into an abortion, due to the father being a priest. Zoe tells Eve this, and who the father is, for the third fucking time and Eve finally gets it. The priest decides to flood a room, because Ursula needs water to appear, and leaves Julia alone. Tip: Never leave French girls alone in a room. They'll surrender.

Zoe sees Ursula in the kitchen, who pushes Zoe in to an oven. This is the point where the movie tells us where its going to go. Meanwhile, while trying to turn the water on, the priest is pushed back by a gush of water (which he seemed to fight pretty well) and is impaled by a pipe. Joel pulls him off, and the priest tries to speak. Eve comes to where Julia is, while Julia goes upstairs, finds Zoe dead, and grabs the harpoon gun. She comes down, tells Eve, and Eve throws the gun to the ground. It's important to note that the water was chest deep five seconds ago, but is now ten feet deep. This means that the 9 foot tall room grew three feet to allow this. This also means that the lamp that's on will electrocute them, so Julia goes to turn the power off.

Ursula is coming after Eve, and Eve goes underwater showing that fish are floating around the room. REALLY?! Meanwhile, Joel runs to Julia and explains that Eve really isn't in danger. We're treated to a flashback that "explains" that Eve, when she was 4 years old, she memorized her mom's friends name, how they related to the saints, how said saints died, the fact that her priest is her father, and her mom and her friends killed Ursula (which her friends were never mentioned). Eve getting wet while making out with a guy during prom made her get possessed by Ursula. So, Eve is is Ursula... by the way, for her to remember all of this, Eve would have to be the smartest little girl in the world, because no one on Earth could remember all of this.

We end the movie with Eve shooting Ursula in the heart, a montage of how Eve was in two places at once (keep in mind that one of the people died before Eve was possessed, where Eve couldn't possibly be), and finally a shot of Julia pulling a dead Eve from the water, after seemingly shooting herself with the harpoon gun. How in the hell did she pull that off? The harpoon gun was the size of her arm, making it physically impossible for her to pull the trigger. Not only that, but the velocity of the harpoon is such that it would go completely through her.

THIS MOVIE SUUUUUUUUUCKS! Sorry for the over use of caps, but there is only one way to express how bad this movie is, and that's it. It has no knowledge of math or geography, some of the lines are complete nonsense, and no one has the accents of the characters don't match there nationality. To make it worse, it's only an hour and forty minutes long, but it took me two hours and twenty minutes to watch it, and seven pages of notes of how bad this movie is. Oh, and the movie's credits claim "Based on an original story," despite it being the same Hollywood shit that they've been passing off as horror for the past eight years.

For now, this is the Windowkeeper signing off to repress his memories of Catholic school.

Halloween Mega Review PT 3: "Orphan" Review

Time for a Horrid Horror Film Review. Today's schlock is different from my standard reviews, because, for some ungodly reason, this saw theatrical release. After watching it, thanks to rentals on XBox Live, I am at a loss for words of what the Warner Brothers was thinking. So without further adieu, here's my review of "Orphan."

The film starts with a husband, John, and wife, Kate... wait a minute... John and Kate. I can't get away from the Gosseling's, can I? Anyway, Kate is about to give birth to their third child, and after sitting in the wheel chair to the maternity ward, realizes that she's bleeding. She's suddenly in a gurney, where the nurse tells her that she lost the child. Abrupt plot development, but what do I expect from this movie? I mean, couldn't we get to know the characters? Well, no, because then we'd have plot, which this movie lacks. Anyway...

John is filming the surgery, apparently not knowing that the child died. John gets the dumbass award for the movie, and believe it or not, this isn't why. But, more on that later. Somehow, Kate gives birth successfully to a mummy. Yes, she gives birth to a mummy. What's worse is that this is indeed the scariest part of the movie. At least, that is, until she wakes up and it was all a dream, then it becomes a cliche.

Kate goes up to her medicine cabinet, where the camera angle shifts to behind her, zooming in as if something is sneaking up on her. Camera angle shift to her profile while she closes the cabinet, showing nothing is behind her. Way to waste a "scare" moment on that. Could John sneak up on her and, I don't know, give her the same bad haircut that that other Kate has? Anyway, next thing we see is that she's talking to a therapist about the nightmare, and the fact that she was tempted to drink. Yes, Kate's an alcoholic. But, wait till you here what John is... The therapist says something, and Kate leaves to pick up her deaf daughter from school.

On the way back home, Kate is stopped at a red light, and barely pays attention to this fact. Why? Because, for some unknown reason, the truck behind her honks at her, causing her to almost crash into another truck. Wow... what a prick. After arriving safely at home, Kate starts playing piano, but is distracted by a near constant thumping. She runs outside and yells at her deaf daughter, Max. While I would go for the "yells at deaf daughter" bit, she uses sign language while doing it, so its not that big of a slip up... except that Max heard her NAME! John brings their son, Danny, back, who immediately ignores his own mother to play with Max... who hears him perfectly well despite being deaf.

We next see Kate by the medicine cabinet again, with the same zoom. This time, though, John's behind her, and he wants to bone. Kate turns him down, though, because she's nervous about going to an orphanage to adopt a child. This is cured the next day, as they go to said orphanage to look at the little girls. John splits up to go upstairs, when two girls run by laughing. After they pass, John turns, slightly startled. Thank you, belayed reaction theater, for striking again.

Upstairs, John sees a... girl painting a picture, with her back turned to him. She knows he's there though, and invites him in. This is where we meet Esther, the creepy "9 year-old girl" that looks like an older child/adult with some severe fashion taste. But, she does paint creepy pictures of animals with people's faces, so we're supposed to assume she's adorable. Kate meets her, and they decide to adopt her right then. Later that day, the bring Ester home. Yes, the same day, they adopt Ester. You know, without all the tedious paper work and physical and legal stuff that adults have to do to adopt a freaking child. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't MENTION THAT THEY HAVE TO DO THIS BEFORE ADOPTING HER! By the way, we're only 40 minutes into the film.

Ester meets the family, Max taking a liking to here, but Danny thinking what we're all thinking; She's a creepy, creepy... thing. They have a house warming, where Esther asks for piano lessons, and Danny abandons the family to look at porn in his tree house. Later, Esther has her first day at school, where she's teased for her dresses. Esther goes to Kate for advice, and Kate shows her the flowers dedicated to baby Jessica's memory. What makes it worse is when Kate tucked Max in before, Max wanted to hear the story about Jessica going to heaven. Should we fear Esther, or the deaf brat who's obsessed with her unborn sister's death?

Esther goes to shower, and locks the door, much to Kate's alarm. Esther comforts her, saying that she'll sing, but Kate doesn't care and goes to spy on Esther's diary. While she lurks, we have the zoom scene again, and - surprise- nothing's there! This movie abuses this technique more than Cthulhu abused the gay lifestyle. Fast forwarding over some stupid (all right dumber) scenes, Esther has a breakdown in school, and Danny is getting picked on. Later that same day, John and Kate start having sex in the kitchen, not knowing until its too late that 1: lowering your head while you're partner's head is being "thrown up in ecstasy" is painful, and 2: Esther is watching them.

Kate goes to talk to Esther, but Esther all ready knows that grown ups do certain things that children shouldn't do, and that was one of them. Actually, isn't that the one thing children shouldn't see? Or are they counting positions. Anyway, Kate is shocked when Esther says that grown ups "fuck." I'll get to this later. The next day, Esther is at the park while a busty woman flirts with John. Esther sees a girl who's picking on her, and has what was supposed to be a chase scene, but ends up like a laughably bad Saw short. Esther pushes the girl off the slide, breaking her leg, but won't confess to anyone. Max watched it happen, but she covers for Esther.

This causes Kate to get a call from the orphanage, where they warn her that trouble follows Esther, and that they want her medical and dental records. Esther won't go to the dentist, but is perfectly okay with the doctor... which I'll get to here in a minute. The nun has a meeting with the parents, where afterwards, Esther and Max "play a trick on her..." oh, and Esther kills her and forces Max to hide the body, and the weapon in Danny's treehouse. Danny sees thism though, and Esther threatens him by "cutting his hairless little prick off." Kate is scared of Esther now, but John tells Esther to do something nice. Esther picks the white "Jessica-Roses," causing Kate to grab Esther's arm, then let go. Esther runs to the garage, and uses the vice-grip to break her arm. You know, because it won't leave a pattern bruise, or crush the arm differently than Kate would've done.

While Kate's dropping the kids off at school, Esther puts the car in neutral while Max is inside. Luckily, it crashes into a snowdrift. This forces Kate to almost drink two bottles of wine, but she pours one down the sink. Later, John is alarmed that Kate is abusive to the children due to the alcohol she didn't drink. John threatens to leave her and... dear God this movie is boring.

Danny finds out about the hammer, and goes to the treehouse to get it. Esther catches up to him, and tries to burn him alive. He saves himself, and ends up in the hospital, where Esther tries to smother him. The doctors save him, though, and Kate smacks Esther, causing her to be sedated. All while this is going on, Kate is waiting for a call from the Saarne Institute, where Esther was "raised" in.

Kate wakes up to her phone ringing . It's the Saarne Institute, who tell Kate that Esther's really a 33 year-old woman. How... in.. the... hell did this go unnoticed? She had no problems with doctors probing her, even though this would've been a HUGE problem for her scam. In the meantime, Esther tries to seduce John. John finally realizes that Esther is crazy, earning his dumbass award for not noticing earlier, forcing Esther to kill him, and try to kill Max. Luckily, Kate arrives, and fights Esther. The fight leads to a frozen pond, which cracks.

Kate and Esther fall through the pond, and Kate tries to climb out. Esther grabs her, and asks her for help, referring to Kate as "Mommy." What ensues is the most insane part of the movie. Kate screams "I'm not your fucking mommy!" and kicks Esther so hard that her neck breaks. The only way this could be better is if she screamed "I AM A MAN!" instead (thank you, Linkara and Superman: At Earth's End). Thus ending this shittastic movie.

I cannot fathom how bad this movie is. It's boring, overuses certain camera techniques for no reason, and has plot holes bigger than the spot on Jupiter. Avoid this movie like the plague. For now, this is the Windowkeeper, signing off to... um... "adopt" a few 18 year-old Asian girls to join my... "family." Yeah... that's it.

... it's not a Harem at all...

Halloween Mega Review PT 2: Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Weirdest Scenes in Movies

Time for a Top Ten From Hell. Today's Topic is the Top 10 Weirdest Scenes From Horror Movies. Why so specific? Because there are a lot of Horror movies with parts that don't make sense. To get on the list, though, the scene has to be disturbing, bizarre, or just not make any sense, or a good combination. As a stipulation, I only use each movie once. Without further ado:

10: The Cockroach eating head from Tomie: I love me some J-Horror, and Tomie (to-MI-ae) is no exception. Its about the soul of a girl named (let me think here) Tomie who possesses women to steal their lovers and drive people crazy, and while the body can die, Tomie's spirit regenerates the body, making it seem that the body is immortal. In the beginning of the movie, a guy is carrying Tomie's head back to his home, where he feeds her cockroaches. Yes, cockroaches. Why? I don't know. One thing is for sure, Tomie will eat anything.

9: "Because You Were Home," from The Strangers: Possibly the most laugh inducing horror movie ever, The Strangers tries to make people scary again by putting three people in masks, and having them cause terror to people who are home. Why would the do that, you ask? "Because you were home." Well, no shit. I doubt you would have tortured me if I was in Sandusky... stupid fucking moron. The Strangers, only bothering you if your home; otherwise, its too much work.

8: The five minute scene of screaming from The City of Lost Children: The French made a horror/fantasy movie that was so good, that it's hard to find anywhere. The City of Lost Children was a cult classic about a scientist who couldn't dream, so he tried to steal those of children. Instead, he forced the children to have nightmares, pushing him further into depression. You wouldn't get that from the beginning when he awakes from a nightmare, screaming. This makes ten other people in the room scream for a straight five minutes. By the time it ends, you're scratching your head trying to figure out what the hell just happened. I'll tell you what happened, you walked in on his personal time. The City of Lost Children, making men scream for long periods of time.

7: "Run, rabbit, run!" from House of 1000 Corpses: Let alone that there were only fifty corpses in the movie, this scene doubles as the weirdest and scariest scene of the movie. The main character is dressed as a rabbit while Otis screams "Run, rabbit, run!" over and over again as Baby chases her through a cemetery that the Firefly family created. I would repeat that, but the visual image of a psychotic woman chasing you in a rabbit costume should make you scratch your head enough as it is...

6: The ending of Saw V: What in the hell was the twist? Hoffman is Jigsaw now, we get it. That stopped being a twist in the fourth movie when you said it. This brings us to:

5: Hoffman being Jigsaw's apprentice from Saw IV: Oh, yes, there will be--huh? Here's the background, Hoffman was introduced as a forensic tech in Saw III, where he had one line. In Saw IV, he's a detective, despite not being anything but a forensic tech in the first place. Oh, and he was also helping Jigsaw the whole time, making the fact that he's working at the crime scenes ENTIRELY POINTLESS! Why? Because, if he was a detective, why was he working as a forensics tech (or vice verse), and wouldn't people notice that certain files on certain people were missing under HIS NAME, or that evidence was missing. SAW IV and V, make less sense than a psychic prediction of the Browns winning the Super Bowl.

4: Hellraiser: Bloodlines; The entire movie: Like Saw V, retcon the first movies, because they never happened, by telling a boring nonsensical story. Imagine if Lewis Carroll wrote a third Alice book where Alice never went to Wonderland, but instead was thrown into an orphanage because she burned her house down. Wait, that's American McGee's Alice, and a different rant...

3: Sadie taking off her shirt upon seeing two unknown teenage girls in Last House on the Left: The movie sucked, but this scene takes the cake. Sadie walks into a hotel room with her psycho boyfriend, sees two teenaged girls that she's never seen before, and decides to take her shirt off, showing that her "breasts are perky, yes?" (Thank you Not Another Teen Movie). The logic is baffling. She did this to... put her shirt back on... *facepalm* Well, at least she doesn't have a fight scene where she somehow wrestles a man twice her size, coming out ahead, while topless. Actually, yes she does... DAMN YOU MOVIE!

2: Russ picking up a cat and rubbing it with his chin from Cthulhu: You knew this movie had to be on here, what with a date rape scene that was entirely pointless, the "rampant homosexual" scene, a gay sex scene that had nothing to do with the movie, and of course, this. Let me explain this again, the camera shows a full body shot, exposing the ground is empty from Russ to the boat house. It zooms in, and he pulls a big fat orange cat from thin air, and nuzzles it with his chin, mouth agape. He does this for fifteen minutes before putting the cat down, at which time the camera zooms out, and the cat is gone. Magic cat is magic. Fail movie is fail.

1: The Giant Penis Monster from Tromeo and Juliet: I'll blow the surprise for you (no pun), this was going to be my surprise movie review to make up for missed time, but I couldn't make it past this point. Don't get me wrong, it's better than Cthulhu, but the idea of the movie (and its condoning of spousal abuse) was horrifying. But, the Giant Penis Monster from Juliet's dream is just the worst thing I've seen. Keep in mind that I was debating using this, Juliet looking like an 11 year old (and she has five full frontal scenes which thankfully I didn't watch), and Juliet turning into a cow with a three foot long penis... you know what?

1: Tromeo and Juliet: Why? Because it just doesn't make sense.

For now, I'm the window keeping signing off... and avoiding anything with "Troma" in it.

The Halloween MEGA REVIEW! Part 1: "Where The Wild Things Are."

Hey, all. So I got back from seeing Where the Wild Things Are, and I hate to say this, but I wasn't impressed too much. I liked it, but it could have been so much better than it was, that it was painful to watch it at points. And the worst part of this was that we saw the movie in a theater with children inside, and they weren't impressed by the sound of it. And I can explain why this is: it was too adult.

Now, I may end up getting flak because the movie wasn't advertised as a children's movie, and that I'm assuming that it's a children's movie because it's based on a children's book. But, that's just it, adults are going to bring their children to this movie because it's based on a children's book. If it was a Harlequin novel, no sane parent would think to bring their kid to the movie. But, upon seeing something based on a forty-year-old picture book, there shouldn't be the issue of a movie being too adult.

I'm going to get to the good things first, though. Firstly, the monsters were very well done. Instead of being completely computer generated, the were people in costumes, and the mouths were CG'ed. For the most part, it was seamless, save for Douglas, the bird. I also liked the parts where Max was having fun with the monsters, because it was fun. It reminded me of being a kid. Luckily, that's most of the movie. Finally, a little bit of a spoiler here, the ending was great and fit perfectly, even if it was sad. They changed the reason of why Max is leaving, as well as the context of the famous phrase "I don't want you to go, I'll eat you up-- I love you so!" Instead of the monster's being conflicted, one of them says it to Max as he boards the boat rather sadly, expressing that they don't want him to leave.

But, again, why is this movie so sad? It deals with divorce, running away, being eaten, letting people down, missing your family, and oddly enough, the existence of God. And, more than anything, its the last one that bothers me the most. Again, spoiler: at one point Douglas tells Carol that Max isn't a king, because no being exist that has the powers to "create and destroy worlds" that Max claimed to have. That was kind of extremely not subtle at all. In fact, that was kind of alienating.

For a movie that's about letting the "wild rumpus start," when it does, it's aimed at kids. Then it shifts to being aimed to adults, back to kids, to adults, etc, etc. It never picks one directly, and when it does, the movie comes off as more confusing than anything. At one point, Carol and Max are walking through a desert to see Max's kingdom. In the background, a giant sheepdog is walking around. I waited until the last fifteen minutes of the movie, wondering what the point of the dog was, and I'm still have no idea. It was, for lack of a better word, a Big-Lipped-Alligator Moment.

Finally, the tone of the movie is extremely depressing, and, that's just wrong. The monsters all mope around, nearly crying, almost constantly. When they aren't depressed, they're fun to watch, but, its short lived. I was wondering if Carol or Alexander the Goat Boy was going to kill themselves for a while there. Instead, and I wish I was making this up, we have Carol ripping another monster's arm off. Like the dog, it came out of left field, and more or less confused the viewers and scared kids. What's worse was that towards the end, the monster shoves a stick in his "arm socket." It just looked awkward.

I can't suggest paying full price to see the movie, but I can't say I hated it. It was good, but not what you'd expect. It's mature, if not too mature, depressing, but still fun, and amazing to watch on the big screen with the monsters. Oh, and Karen O. of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's did the soundtrack, which was really interesting. I'd wait for this to come out on rental to see the movie, but for the whole experience, you need the theater. Wait for it to come to a dollar theater.

I give it 3 out of 6 rumpusing monsters.

Some Changes to the Schedule

I'm going to have to take some things off of the regular schedule, but I have a few good reasons. Mainly, I haven't had time to write much less work. I had a Drill Weekend that was entirely too long and pointless. But the biggest problem has been that my girlfriend has been going through some health issues, which I'd rather not get too detailed with.

That being said, I'm taking the Jericho Journals off the schedule, and I'll work on trying to get the MUA2 and GH5 reviews in by the end of the month, if not by early November. But in good news, the Halloween mega review will start shortly (hopefully Monday), so stick around!

Breathing Room in a Sentence

"The Question you must question is... 'WHY DID I WATCH THIS SAW KNOCK OFF PIECE OF SHIT!?'"

Some News

I've hit a virtual shit storm of busy lately. Part of it is working on this picture. I had to start the digital coloring again because I missed a step, but I'm having fun with it. Its a promo piece for "Goria: Nightmare in Daylight," featuring Erica DuPont against a mirror, her reflection being what she'll become later on. But, more on that later.

I'm thinking of doing a tabletop game (my first time doing one), that works on a D20 system in modern times, but uses the Goria universe. I'm fleshing the story out bit by bit, but I like what I have so far. But, at the same time, I have school and job hunting to worry about to.

Which brings me to my blog. I may start doing Vlogs soon, but I need to get the drivers for the webcam my manager gave me. He tried to give me some drivers, but they were Windows, and I use a Mac. Hey, I saw that, put that finger down! Once I get the drivers, though, this will become easier to maintain.

I've also been playing Guitar Hero 5, and as of this Monday, Guitar Hero: Van Halen. GH5 is awesome (but not Rock Band), and the jury's out on VH, but so far, all right. I will rant about the re-recording of "Semi-Charmed Life," but later. On top of that, I'm starting work on the "HALLOWEEN MEGA REVIEW." I figured I'd let you all know what's on the plate for that.

HMR:

Part 1: Zombieland Review

Part 2: Top Ten Scary Games... That Weren't Meant To Be

Part 3: Another Movie Review (Either Saw 6 or Where the Wild Things Are, I haven't decided)

Part 4: Game Personal Retrospective: Survival Horror Games.

Which will introduce our Guest of Honor: Part 5: Saw: The Game.

But, for the record, so far, the Saw game isn't bad at all. Though that may change. Keep an eye out!

LATE, I Know: The Card Player... in 5 words or less.

The Card Player... in 5 words or less

"Remember, Straight Flush beats Royal."

Or, I could've done this:

"She's pregnant... what's the purpose?"

Yes, Dario Argento needs to stop. This movie sucked balls.

Sorry this isn't in "Rant" form ("Breathing Room" will be, I promise). I have a rant brewing about reviewers, Iron Man, and or all things, Noise Pollution, so hang tight.

October: A Month Of Horror and Cheap Movies

Here's a look at what's too come for this month:

10/5: Movie Review: The Card Player

10/8: Movie Review: Breathing Room

10/12: Game Review: Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2

10/19: Game Review: Guitar Hero 5

10/22: Jericho: Captain Ross' Journals

10/26: Dead Space Extraction in Five Words or Less

10/30: Ultimate Halloween Review!

Plus, my trademark rants will start showing up more and more. Keep a look out!

As Legend Would Have It, I Killed But Am Innocent Still! The Kaidan Review

There is a point to the title of this entry, and you will soon see why. As some of you know, it isn't hard for anything to piss me off into a "rant rage," especially when it comes to movies. But, for a long time, Japanese Horror has failed to do this. Ju-On, Shikoku, Parasite Eve, Audition, Ju-Rei, and the underrated Tomie (oh, Miho Kanno... you can kiss other Japanese women in any movie) were all really good horror movies, without straying into slasher territory. So, with this knowledge of experience, I went into Kaidan thinking that it would be the same deal. Oh, Kurasawa Akira, why have you forsaken me?

The movie starts with a narrator who seems to think he's Mako telling us about a business man who loaned a samurai 20 yen, and charged a buttload of interest. The samurai argues with him, and eventually a fight ensues. The samurai cuts above the man's eye, and when the man defends himself with a sickle, the samurai cuts his hand off (I think, its never clear what happens) and does a Deadly Little Miho on him. The narrator then announces that the samurai was cursed, went insane, and killed his family. Apparently, he wasn't insane before. You know, when HE BROKE HIS CODE AND KILLED HIS BOOKIE! Or, when he started borrowing money to gamble in the first place.

Well, the samurai's son, Shinkichi, sells tobacco, and falls in love with Osaiga, the businessman's oldest daughter. Of course, they know nothing of their parents, no less. Anyway, as winter comes, Shinkichi, who looks more like a woman than Osaiga, confesses his love to her, but she declines because she likes older, bigger men. Then, out of lonesomeness, decides to have sex with him anyway (or at least have him nibble her ear). I'd make a comment about her being insane, but I have a few reasons why I can't. I'll just say this: MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Winter passes, and Shinkichi is living with Osaiga and her sister, and flirting with Osaiga's student. Osaiga doesn't like this (especially since all of her other students' mothers dubbed her as a whore, and refuse to have her teach their daughters), and banishes the student, and her sister for standing up for the student. This leads Shinkichi to try to leave so Osaiga can teach again, but Osaiga grabs him and screams "NO!" until Shinkichi grabs a shamasin pick, and accidently cuts above her eye. You can see the predictability now, right? Well, the cut gets infected and she grow steadily more insane, to the point of wanting Shinkichi to nibble her ears out of fear that they're going to fall off. Yes, you read that right, she wants her ears chewed on because they're going to fall of... Wait, what's with him and ears, anyway?

Well, Shinkichi runs into the banned student while getting Osaiga's medicine, and watches the fireworks with her, and even eventually agreeing to leave town with her. While packing, Shinkichi's uncle tells him Osaiga wants to see him. She tells him to go leave town, and she herself leaves, as someone tells Shinkichi that Osaiga died. Yes... you read that right too. He rushes back to find Osaiga's sister cleaning her, and she hands him this note: "If you marry another woman, I'll kill her." Osaiga was such a great catch. Its worth mentioning that Osaiga was married herself, and that her husband died in battle... only after she slept with Shinkichi.

Student and Shinkichi run away, but the student thinks Osaiga is following them. Sure enough, Osaiga's ghost is clearly visible through the one inch gaps between the planks of the bridge above them, causing the girl to run and trip. Shinkichi goes to help her, but he sees her as Osaiga, finds a sickle, and impales her neck with it as she tries to strangle him the whole time. He runs, but passes out, only to be found by the girls uncle. Death by Shinkichi: 2 Death by ghost: 0.

Uncle offers Shinkichi his daughter's hand in marriage, but Shinkichi declines. While explaining to Orui (Osaiga, Orui, Oskai the student... ears and "O's"... what weird fetishes this guy has), that he doesn't love her, she falls into a fire pit, her arm landing in it and face landing well outside, and yet still burns ABOVE HER FREAKING EYE. Shinkichi takes this as an omen (smart)... to marry her. What. The. FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!1/ It's a sign that if he marries her, she'll die, so he marries her? Who wrote this shit? Oh, but it gets worse. She gives birth to a baby girl who has a birthmark of *sigh*, you guessed it, a scratch above her eye.

Shinkichi goes to a bar and talks to Osaiga's sister and tells her that her sister died. Wait... she all ready knew because she was there to clean Osaiga's body, but she's just now finding out? To make matters worse, he tells her that he loved Osaiga from the bottom of his heart, even though she knows he didn't. While there (before my head explodes), a fat guy shows Shinkichi a geisha that his father in law uses as a mistress. I'd bitch about this, but figuring that the movie seems to know as much about Japanese culture as Dan Brown knows about Christianity, the point is moot. Shinkichi falls asleep, but the geisha wakes him up so he can go home.

Back home, Orui says that its weird that the baby doesn't cry. Shinkichi agrees, and exposes bruises on the baby's legs from were he tortured her. He suggests that they beat her to make her cry, and Orui is appalled. He then puts his hand over the baby's eyes, yes EYES, and the father-in-law threatens him. Shinkichi runs to the bar, where the fat guy leads him to the Lake of the Dead, and geisha shows him the sickle he used to kill Oskai. They say they'll give him the sickle for 100 yen, and after two threats, he decides to rob his father in law to pay them off. While doing so, the father in law follows him, and thinks that Shinkichi is using the geisha as a mistress, and fights him. The geisha kills the father in law, and sends Shinkichi home. And yet, the ghost still hasn't done a damn thing.

At home, Shinkichi finds his daughter dead, and hallucinates that Oskai is fighting him in the Lake of the Dead. He strangles her, but realizes too late that he's strangling Orui, and she dies. He again runs away, but not far as the village starts to follow with torches and pitchforks. Shinkichi must be Japanese for Frankenstein. He gets cornered by the villagers, finds the sickle, and proceeds to kill everyone from the town, only getting stabbed once and cut twice. After he's killed everyone (and still the ghost has done NOTHING), Osaiga's sister arrives and says, "Hurry, they're coming." Who is?! He killed the whole town, obviously. I'd believe it if she said, "Oh shit, let's go before another village tries to kill you," but she makes it seem like the village is just going to respawn.

She takes Shinkichi on a boat, but while on the Lake of the Dead, Osaiga's arms pull Shinkichi under. The movie ends with Osaiga's ghost finally killing someone, and kissing Shinkichi's disembodied head. This movie sucked so hard, that it could get a job out doing pornstars in a golfball in a hose contest. The writing was horrible, the scenes were inconsistent, and half the time someone was where they shouldn't have been, or couldn't remember that they were in a scene. Not to mention that the main character is a maniac who beats a newborn. I'm the Window Keeper signing off before I'm pulled under water by my ex. Sorry, held out as long as a could... but which one?